Transition

One of the reasons why I have been out of the loop is the fact that I moved offices. I was really dreading it and found numerous excuses to delay it. But I could not delay it any longer. I work for a medical group with 3 clinics and 2 out of the 3 are directly under my supervision. Not to boast but those 2 are doing fine partly because I have worked there for 7 years now and have developed a system that allows me to have 2 weeks with sporadic- phone calls vacation and no major problem waiting for my return. In other words, the staff can pretty much function without me hovering over them constantly. With the change in organization, it meant that all 3 clinics will now be directly under my sort of supervision, billing-wise. I know that is a step up for me and a good opportunity but it also entails more responsibility and problems. Two things that I wasn't so sure I was willing to take at this point but what choice do I have. I do not want to sound ungrateful but my job was already hectic as it was and adding another one with more employees meant a major headache especially in the initial stages with the transition and all. But I took it because if I really look closely, it was an opportune time for me to put in place the same system that has been working in the 2 other clinics. I guess it is working well for my boss to suggest to do the same thing with the 3rd clinic. Uniformity of all 3 facilities meant less problems and rules apply to everyone. No need to adjust as much. But its harder than I thought for one I knew there was going to be some resistance from the already existing employees but the thing is once people have been set in their ways, its going to take some time before they can unlearn their "old" ways and adapt to the new system. It has only been 3 weeks and things are progressing slowly. It is still a "wait and see" period. I had no illusion that it was going to change overnight. Though, its progressing slower than I would want it to, I just have to be patient that in the long run it will eventually improve and make everyone else's lives, including mine, easier. It has to because I am not due for another vacation until next year and I don't want to feel like I need one very soon.

Apolitical

I do not believe that a person can be truly apolitical. Much as we abhor it to our very core, the fact is our daily life is all politics and involves politics. I think its a misconception that politics is solely in the government. There is office politics and even in families there is politics. When my siblings and I were in college in Manila, every start of the school year, Papa calls for a family meeting to discuss our allowances and in some instances to negotiate it. Since Papa is pretty much aware of how much things, food, fare and others that a college student needs costs, it can be an uphill battle. We win some, we lose some. But he was never stingy as long as money that he and Mama worked hard for was being put into good use. Asking permission is all politics as well. We present our case and make some promises along the way for example, coming home at a decent hour and on time, calling if in case we wont be able to make it on the time specified, being with the people we say we will be with. Sure, some promises may be broken like how our lawmakers break them but in the family politics, there is actually a corresponding punishment when we break them. We ask for forgiveness and promise not to break them again. There is accountability for our actions and repercussions which may not necessarily stop us from making and breaking them but they sure curb it a bit. But there is one thing that I don't think has ever happened in my family politics and that is take someone's side just because. We have to be given enough proof for us to side with one or the other and in fact not siding at all is the better way to go. Or we side with what we think is the right thing to do. I may exert my role as the eldest from time to time but I hope my siblings will agree with me that I have not used my birth order to impose upon anyone what I feel needs to be done when it may not be the best way. Plus, I think no matter how old my siblings and I get, the ultimate power still lies on my parents and we abide by that but it doesn't mean that we cannot present our case and fight for it.

I just recently found out through a very good friend of mine who had a drinking session with my dad that Papa said I am "rasonable", that I always have a "rason". Its funny because I think as I got older, I do not just allow my dad to think that he is always right. I challenge his reasoning sometimes. Papa also added that we have clashing ideas about so many things and its true. Not because my intention is to be disrespectful but I just want to present to him another point of view. Looking at the same situation and yet having a different view of it might just aid him in maybe thinking differently or looking at it from a different perspective. Sometimes our emotions get the better of us that we think irrationally and impulsively which prompts us to make hasty and unwise decisions. It was a surprise to me to be told that and at first I didn't know if it was a bad thing or a good thing. So I consulted the 3 wise people around me: Jehann, Nicco and Camille and they all laughed so I guess its a good thing. I don't think Papa should have been surprised why I am the way I am. He is the same way and surprisingly enough so is the rest of my family. Interestingly enough, we may have differing opinions but there hasn't been a chance that we were truly mad at the other. Annoyed and pissed maybe but never angry. I guess because we all agree to disagree. We may not be sold on what the other person's opinion is but we do not forget that it is the person's OWN opinion. Sure, we slip from time to time but eventually we realize that its not going to take us anywhere but into a world of hurt , anger and despair that at the end of they day, we are left to wonder if insisting on what we want was all worth the disintegration of the family.

It saddens me though that such isn't the case with some of my relatives. It pisses me off that some of them are trying to steer my Lola into siding with them even if whatever they are doing is going to be of big injustice to the others. Though I am already an adult in all cultures, if I am in the company of those family members older that I am, I am not an adult anymore. I feel like a 12 year old sometimes. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I feel that I am in no authority to disagree with them no matter how stupid of an idea I think it is. I think in these times, its better to keep some safe distance rather than include myself in the situation when I shouldn't be involved in the first place. I think that attitude has kept me sane for the 6 years that I have been around some of them. I try to steer away from it because the lesser I know, the better. I actually have stood up in a middle of a discussion because I felt its not something I would want to hear and be part of. Rude as it may be but its better than way. I think my relatives get it now. They know I know a lot because unlike some of them I actually take time to look at both sides. I am not one to be swayed by choosing closer ties to what I think is right and appropriate. They also know that they can ask me all they want but if I know its not going to do anyone any good, my mouth remains shut. Unless they grossly malign my mom, then that becomes a totally different story. Its better to stay neutral. My friends have told me that it irritated them that ever since they could remember I have always been neutral with how I deal with sticky situations. Unless I need to be involved, I never involve myself. My rationale is "why should I be the gasoline to ignite the fire when I can be the water to extinguish it." Plus I think its highly childish to pressure someone to side with you just cause you need someone on your "team". If people truly want me to side with them, present to me why I should not because I have to. I think I have the right to ponder on it before I make some decisions. Otherwise, they can fight it out all they want, as long as they do not involve me, I am just going to be a spectator. Why join the fray when I have front view seating. =)

Nagging thought

This has been in my mind for some time now. I think its going to ignite some strong feelings and opinions. Its quite controversial but I just had to ask.

Can a person be PRO-Choice and yet ANTI-abortion?

Here I am!

Yes, Clare, Gail, Kat, Mina, Yam and everyone else who has been wondering what happened to me, I still exist. It just has been a pretty hectic life that I have been leading that it made me wonder, I know life is short but did it have to feel like it was ending that day? I honestly felt that my days were just a blur and it was just passing me by. Even my weekends, which should have been my chance to re-group, was full of activities. I was getting exhausted and cranky that one day I decided to take stock of my life and finally have a day of "nothingness". It turned out I wasn't the only one feeling tired. My cousins felt the same way. We all wondered when was the last time we just drove or walked aimlessly and the moment that it took us some time to answer that just means one thing...It has been awhile.

Well the one day turned into 3 weekends going to 4 now of "nothingness" and its great! My friends were very surprised because with so many relatives we always have a frenzy of activities to do, parties to organize and go to but this time there were none. So, along with my cousins, we filled our weekends with no agenda, going to the mall, having lunch and watching movies. I also filled it with having "dates with myself". It may sound pathetic to some but I actually like doing things on my own. I eat, shop, and watch movies on my own. I used to do that back in college and it gave me peace. Believe me, coming from a big family, I yearn for "alone" times, away from the chaos and these were those times. With my lola's return from the Philippines and my sister coming as well, I can already sense that my weekend of "nothingness" is coming to its end. So might as well grab it while I still can.

Jehann

I haven't seen my sister, Jehann for 6 years now. Jehann is the one who came after me. Growing up, we have had our share of rough times. I will admit that finding out she was coming gave me a mixture of dread and excitement. I was excited because after all I haven't seen any of my siblings since 1999 I think. We fill that distance with constant phone calls and now text messaging. I think the distance did us some good because we have learned to appreciate each other. At the same time I was a little bit dreading it. Much as we both deny it, we are the same. After all we both came from the same pod. We can be both stubborn which had made us butt heads a lot of times. Our youngest sister, Camille said that Jehann and I are just as different as we are alike and it can be hard. I was really stressing it because I do not want to fight with her. I want to have a really great relationship with her. I turned to friends to give me some guidance and they all said the same thing..maybe its not so bad and I am just making such a big deal about it than it really is. Much as I took their advice in, a part of me wasn't totally sold on it until one day. I was going about my usual day when it dawned into me, having Jehann here, I will finally have someone on my side. She is my ally and not my enemy. If there is anyone who will totally get me, its will be her. We may have had our differences but against other people, we only have each other to depend on. So now, as her arrival draws near, I am thinking of things of what we can do, just the 2 of us. I know it will involve some talking and what a conversation its going to be. After all, its going to be pretty much 6 years worth not including the 6 years worth of stories of Papa, Mama, Nicco and Camille as well. I am looking forward to that.

"The Bad News: Time Flies! The Good News: You are the Pilot!"

I saw this sign on our way to my aunt's house. I wasn't able to take a picture of it but I will the next time we pass by that street again. If you think about it, its true. It is pretty much the same as my weekends of nothingness. Had I allowed it to continue I think time would have just passed me by but I decided that it was time to change it, veer away from it. I took control of my life that was almost spinning out of control. I didn't have a hold on it anymore and just letting life takes its course with me just along the ride without any contribution. I didn't have a word yet at that time to call it when we started our weekend of " nothingness" but in one of those weekends I saw this sign and now I have quote that can aptly describe what we just did. It was a brief moment when I saw the sign but it stayed with me until we got to my aunt's house. I even wrote it down just in case I forgot. That wasn't possible because those words have been ingrained in my mind since then. It kept resonating in my mind and now when I sense that my life is once again spinning out of control, I have to remember that I am the pilot of my own life. I am in control of what I want to happen to it. I can crash and take a nose dive or I can cruise amidst the blue sky. I can make it into a bumpy ride or smooth-sailing as I wish. Life may just swish by me but at least I know I was the one responsible for it and not some other factor or person.