Acting like a toddler

Thanks once again to Kat for the title.

She called me a toddler when I complained to her that I am feeling cranky today. We have all heard about the phase called "terrible twos" and I feel like one today. I do not know what contributed to this or if this was a carry-over from yesterday. Might be lack of sleep, stress or maybe PMS or worse all of the above. I have been in a foul mood for the past few days and much as I don't like it, I cannot help it. There are just a few things going on in my life that are contributing to this and it sucks but I just have to weather through it. I am better than this but for the time being I do feel like a toddler and I feel I need to be one. I am just acting out I guess because of all the pressure and frustrations. I think I should find a better alternative in dealing with this or maybe I just need a good rest.

Work has been hectic and stressful as it is, add to that this person who is acting as if he is the boss of me or he is in charge when in fact he isn't. He used to manage the group that was occupying the building which my boss now owns. When that group folded, he was left in charge of the building until someone buys it. So at first I was well aware of his role because our company was just leasing then but this time I don't get his interference when our company now owns the building. Sure he has been hired as a consultant since he is well knowledgeable with the area and the medical community as well. He would bring in new physicians that will rent some of the rooms in the building. That part I get but what irritates me is the fact that he sometimes oversteps beyond his boundaries when it doesn't and shouldn't involve him anymore. And that means my job. I think he is confused with the line that separates the company that he is part of with the one I am part of. I should have nothing to do with him. I have voiced this out to my administrator and he too isn't particularly happy but at this point we still "need" his services and that means we have to take it whether we like it or not for the time being at least.

I do not mind the assistance but I do not like it when he tries to impress us with all these plans which I admit may be beneficial to the whole company in the long run. However, it pisses me off when he acts as if his plans are a go when they only sound good on the ideal plane. But applied to the day-to-day operation is a totally different situation all together. Its as if he will be the one left with the responsibility to implement them and deal with the possible problems that come along. For as long as he is able to deliver to my boss what he is supposed to deliver, that is it. When we, who are left to deal with it daily, have to face the problems and find solutions for them when that would have been avoided from the very start. I do not like cleaning up a mess that someone created or worse when there shouldn't be a mess at all. He has so much plans it is overwhelming and we are going at a rapid speed. I just wish that things slow down a bit..Identify and deal with the existing problems before adding more that are potentially source of problems as well. I mean I haven't even had the time and the opportunity to address the problems that are plaguing this site that I moved into a month ago, there are already areas that were introduced yesterday that I can already see the potential of problems coming up. I want to deal with the imminent things at this point and get it out of the way or at least curb it a bit before accepting anymore problems. "Nagpapalapad ng papel kasi buwisit!"

As if work isn't stressful enough, my relatives have egos the size of the whole Americas that its putting a dent into the holiday spirit. I have been around them for 7 years and I should be used to it by now but still. I wish sometimes to smack all of them in the head that for once can they look at the bigger picture rather than being so microscopic about the situation. For once think of the whole picture and not focusing so much if whether it affects them or if they are going to benefit something or if they are going to get something out of it. It pains me to see my Lola being so sad and confused about the whole situation. My relatives are blinded by their own personal agendas that they all forget who is greatly affected by their actions..my Lola. Its infuriating. If not only it is her familial duty and responsibility, I want my mom to have nothing to do with the whole situation. The "fortunes" that everyone seems to be so into isn't even a lot. Its not going to contribute much into their personal incomes and yet they act as if its this massive thing. I just want my mom to have what is rightfully hers and no injustice will happen. Its not about the fortune even. They can really have it but since as an heir my mom is entitled to it, I just want her to have what is rightfully hers in the first place. I mean for crying out loud these are your siblings, your own flesh and blood and yet some of them let greed and their blown up egos to cloud their judgment on what is just right for everyone and not only for one's self. I better not hear a negative word about my mom or they will not hear the end of it. They may be older than me and my mom's siblings but I hear one negative thing said about my mom when she isn't around to defend herself and when she didn't seek to be in that situation in the first place, they will hear it from me.

There is a four day holiday ahead of me and I want to take that time to really rest and take control back of my life rather than see it spiraling down. I do not like feeling this way but I guess from time to time we are forced to, only to inform us that we have a choice whether we will allow it to consume our entire life or we find a way of going around it and learning from it. Give it to me to find a silver lining out of all these but what else do I have if I will not see it that way.

ETA: Thank goodness! My boss have noticed how work has been stressing me out that he told me to take a day off next week. He thought I was already due for a vacation but nope. I am not due until next year so I guess the next best thing is for me to take a day off. I asked if I could take Friday off instead. I made it a holiday before I asked him. So my four day holiday is still on.

Whose life is it anyway?

In the past three days, I have been told of 2 "dates" or introduction if you would want to call it that. My uncle blurted it out on Wednesday when we went to his house to visit my grandma. I was barely starting to take my first bite when he said it. Lucky enough I didn't choke on my food. He just gave me the basics: Filipino, 40, a doctor. Then just now my cousin called me that she has someone to introduce to me. Once again, Filipino but I didn't get the age, lives out of state, coming home for Thanksgiving and the dad was the one who asked my cousin if she has female relatives. Two totally different persons but one thing in common: apparently their relatives would prefer them to be with a Filipina. Oookay! On both accounts, I said okay like I always do. It is a flat "okay". I do not think I can give more reaction than that because I find no reason to be overly enthusiastic about meeting anyone I know nothing about. I prefer not to know a lot, so I wont have any preconceived perceptions about the other person. Start with a "blank slate" in other words...tabula rasa. Plus, I prefer not to have expectations so that there is no pressure, no frustrations if the "meeting" would turn out to be a bust or the guy turns out to be a dud or I just don't see anything there. I will be cliche' here and say there is always room for a new friend. However, it seems my relatives have given them an overview of who I am..based on what my relatives think or see as me. They may be right but they may also be wrong. That remains to be seen.

Is there a marquee on my forehead that I don't know about that states "introduce me to someone"? I really don't mind but I don't like it when people makes me feel that its their obligation or duty to do it for me. Or worse if they make me feel that they have to because it doesn't seem like I am capable to doing it on my own or would do it on my own. I also don't mind if the intention is for me to meet new people or new friends but the thing is, it makes me feel as if they are hoping for something more, leaning towards the romantic side. I am sure that my "single" status baffles a lot of people but it doesn't bother me the least. My status is such a big surprise to them that they are making it their life's mission to change that. WHY????

My sister got me a shirt which states: "single by choice". This is true for now at least. I don't feel its such a tragedy but some people think it is. I want to bide my time even though as some people have pointed out "malapit na akong mawawala sa kalendaryo"! It is my choice to concentrate first on myself. I felt I have not taken full advantage of all the opportunities that are out there for me. I felt I haven't had "fun" in my life, to enjoy life on my own. All my life, I felt I have put everyone else before me: my parents, my siblings, relatives. Don't get me wrong I don't regret the choices that I made. I made those conscious decisions on my own and I felt at that point in time it was the best and right thing to do. Now with my siblings all grown-up, I feel its my time to do my own "growing up", to enjoy life, to experience everything that I have to experience yet: travel, enjoy time with family and friends, have fun, enjoy my life before I let someone in. Some may argue that having someone around shouldn't stop me from doing all these and more. But the thing is, I feel that it will. For a long time, I was always considerate of other people, putting them first. For the first time, I really do not have to do that. Sure I am still considerate of other people but not to the degree that I used to. At this point in my life, my time is mine, my weekends are mine. I do not have a lot of people whose feelings I have to consider. I do not have to let someone know what my plans are or who I am going with or where I am going. I just inform my relatives where I will be but its not as if they are going to stop me. Selfish as it sounds, I want to grab this time to grow and really get to know who I am before I let another person in. I was always a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a colleague, a co-worker but does anyone of them really know who Raissa the person is? I do not even know who that is yet, how could they?

Family members and friends even acquaintances think that they have a clear picture of who would be "perfect" for me. Do they really? I do not even know who would be "perfect" for me. What makes them think that they do? They can assume all they want, conclude even but the thing is usually they don't have a slight idea either. It is like a "hit and miss" thing but whose life are they tinkering with..MINE! Since it is my life, shouldn't I be allowed to tinker with it? I understand and appreciate everyone's concern. I am grateful for all of their efforts but I would really appreciate it more if they would wait for me to approach them rather than making that decision on their own. I know I am lucky to have family members and friends who just wants to see me happy but my happiness isn't solely dependent on another person making me happy. I also prefer not to bestow on someone the credit or the blame of bringing that "happiness" to me.

I am going to keep an open mind and meet these fellows but I am not promising anything. I just hope that if it turns out to be a bust they don't put the blame on me. After this, I hope it becomes clear that maybe its high time that things are better left alone. I hope they will let me do this on my own terms. I would really be happy if they would just leave me alone, figure my life out first and then start from there.

It is MY LIFE anyway!

Not a fan..

There is a pile of clothes waiting to be folded calling my name. There is my closet waiting to be tidied up gazing at me. But here I am in front of the computer posting an entry. Well, not entirely since I have clothes in the dryer that I am waiting for that I have to hang right away so I wont have to iron them. Embarrassing as it is, I am going to admit that ironing isn't my friend. I do not enjoy ironing or folding clothes. I will avoid it as much as possible. I will rejoice when the day comes that a dryer that will iron and fold my clothes gets invented and made available on the market. Only when I need to would I do it. Not that I am totally lazy but I guess my inner OC-ness comes out when I do these chores. I remember ironing my handkerchief back then and I made every attempt to make all four corners aligned. I do not mind repeating it over and over until its done. I get peeved when after ironing one section of the shirt and making sure that its crisp and without wrinkles, the cord gets in the way and messes it all up. That is also a reason why I prefer not to iron. I want a wireless iron. Because I know myself that I wont stop until it passes quality assurance. I am not really that bad because I know of people who iron their jeans and wouldn't mind taking them off again when they see a wrinkle in it and iron it again. I am not totally OC in every way. But I do have my little quirks here and there. Like for instance, my coins are divided into 3 canisters: quarters, nickels & dimes and then pennies. If one that doesn't belong in the canister falls through, I will fish it out and put it in the right one. I am not a total neat freak but I am not a slob either. I'd like to think I am in the middle. I wont tidy up if I don't feel like it but when I do, even if its 3 AM I will do it.

Its not much about cleaning as it is about organization. For as long as I can remember, my mom has taught us to make a list before going grocery shopping. We do not go around, back and forth at the grocery. We go aisle by aisle, getting the stuff we need as we go along. When my dad leaves on business trips, he leaves my siblings and I a list of things we need to do with our names spelled out on the top of the paper. When traveling, my mom told us to make a list of the things we packed, make 2 copies, leave one at home and bring another one with us. That will be our guide in making sure we don't leave anything behind. The newly-washed clothes should be at the bottom and rotate it. This is why up until now I am still a "list" person. I make a list of the things I need to do for the day. Granted I am not able to follow it to the letter, I still make one. I make a list of what I need to buy at the grocery or mall. I still make a list of what to bring when I travel and I "double check" my double check if that even makes any sense. Though, I have not gone to as far as alphabetizing my cd collection, I do organize them according to artist. I group together those cds of the same artist. My accessories have their own little compartments: real, beads, pearls, silver, wood, brass, earrings, rings, necklaces, bracelets etc. These are all in one place. Because of the number of accessories I have, it can seem like its not even organized but I can find whatever it is I am looking for and I know when any of my stuff is missing. I call that my "organized mess". My work desk is a prime example of this. My desk has seen better days with different piles around but I know where things are even if I am out of the office. I can direct whoever it is that's looking when I need him or her to find something. But watch, the moment I start fixing all of them, I forget where I placed things when I need to find them and that makes me crazy.

This post is so random. I think blogging is my excuse to not do what I am supposed to do but alas they beckon so I am left with no choice. I do not have Mana Mila around so I have to do it. Much as I am not a fan of ironing and folding clothes, I am not a bigger fan of seeing a pile of clean clothes on top of my bed. Its not going to magically disappear so like it or not, I have to do it. Got to go, my clothes are shouting my name.