Smiling like a loon

Credit to Kat for the title.

I have been following up the story on one blog of this guy who has been in love with the same girl all his life. Yes, Jeff, your blog. I even made a comment on what a tragedy his life has been since this girl who is the object of his affection seems to be attracted to someone else and worse of all is the girl and the other guy has asked for his (Jeff's) help. If that isn't an "ouch" moment I do not know what is. However, there has been a latest development in this story which made me smile for Jeff. His latest entry says it all. I know that to some it may sound crazy to cling on to feelings that may or may not be reciprocated in the way that we would want it to but who are we to judge. Is this the case of "good things come to those who wait?" I hope it is. I have never met this guy, I don't even know him but for some reasons I am happy for him since reading his blog has been a part of my daily routine. Jeff said there may not be a reason anymore for him to keep his blog since the whole objective of it in the first place was his therapy and outlet since he wasn't able to tell it to her upfront. But I do hope he continues with his posts, probably just change the blog name. His latest post made me smile today.

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My sister is going to kill me for writing about this but I think this is just too cute not to tell. When my sister was in first grade, she had a guy classmate who was moving to a different city at the end of the school year. During the usual "end of school year" party for their class, this guy exclaimed to his mom that he was going to come back and look for my sister. We thought that was too cute. As years went by it was a running joke in the family but we didn't think much about it. We didn't even know what happened to him or where he was. It was just nice to tease my sister about it. Fast forward 13 years later, my sister told me that she found him on Friendster. He is now living in Illinois. We don't know what he looks like now since he didn't post a photo of himself. I asked my sister if she is going to add him as friend, she didn't want to. I don't know why. I was really surprised that she even searched for him. I mentioned it in passing a few months back because I was teasing her but I though that was it until she told me that she has found him. I guess he made a very good impact on my sister that she still thinks of him from time to time. Granted that he was just a kid then and so was my sister but his declaration to look for her in the future made a lasting impression. Or maybe my sister was just curious that is why she looked him up.

How many people from our childhood years are we curious to know what has become of their lives? I have had the same tight group of friends since high school, some of them since grade school, some since kindergarten even. But what happened to my sister made me think of this friend I had in kindergarten until she moved away after 2nd grade I believe. Melinda Villegas is her name. Since her last name was close to mine and Cleo's, during times that we were arranged alphabetically, Melinda, Cleo and myself already know to go to the back of the room since we would all be in the last anyway. Melinda was not only a classmate, she was a neighbor. Last I heard was they moved to Manila but her father still lived there until his death. After that, I do not know anymore. I remember her to be funny but quiet too. When she and Cleo would have a little "tampuhan" they always put me in the middle which I wasn't too happy about. Cleo would tell me not to talk to Melinda and vice versa. I wanted no part in it so I would just not talk to either of them until they patch things up which usually doesn't take too long. I wonder how is she now? Is she married? With children? It has been 18 years.

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They say "jokes are half-meant" so do I believe you then or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? Or I should just look at this as your attempt to be funny but means nothing?

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks back. It wasn't our usual banter which made it interesting and frankly piqued my attention. I will admit it made me smile like a loon even days after that conversation. I know that I shouldn't even take this seriously but it sure made me laugh in that time that I needed it the most. You have a way of doing that. Somehow, you seem to be there when I need some "picking me up" or when I am in need of someone who would allow me to ramble on. You are such an enigma, hard to read and yet hard to ignore. There were so many times that I wished to just erase you from my mind, from my life just like in that Jim Carrey-Kate Winslet movie but just as I am almost there, you seem to find a way and inch yourself back into my consciousness, which I welcome time and time again. It's an ongoing cycle with no clear sight of its end. Sometimes, I do wish to finally have some certainty and I wonder when that would be or if it would even be with you. Either I find that certainty or the blows to my head courtesy of my friends finally sinks in and make me face reality, whichever comes first.

Loss & Gain

After the death of Raul Roco, another person that I look up to has also passed on. Peter Jennings, the anchor of ABC News has died of lung cancer at the age of 67.

Papa was abreast with the current events. He made sure that he knew what was going on around the world, the world of showbusiness included. He passed that on to us, his children. Every day we have up to a maximum of 5 newspapers and he reads all of them from cover to cover and he encouraged us to do the same thing. He said, it will improve our vocabulary. He told us to read it aloud so it will improve our speech. More than that, he encouraged us to read about what was going on in the world, that there is a bigger world outside of the one we know. For every big event happening wherever in the world, he made sure that we are made aware of it. There were even stories that at the age of 5, I was already skimming through the pages of Time Magazine. This is why we probably know the names of news anchors or at least know them from somewhere since there was a great possibility that we have heard of those names time and time again.

Going back to Peter Jennings, I was really saddened by his passing. He was one of those reporters that I found joy watching. Aside from his good looks, he just had a way of delivering the news in a calm way, which anchors in the Philippines lack. It was never more evident during the chaotic time of 9/11. The last thing that people want is to see more panic in the news and you didn't see it with him. I was in awe because he was calm and collected save for some time that he broke down when he talked about his children. But fear abated a little bit when one listens to him. At least for that short amount of time we felt that things were going to be alright. As people remember him, I am learning more about this anchorman that I admire a lot. I knew that he was diagnosed with lung cancer in April of this year so his passing wasn't an unexpected one but nevertheless still shocking to hear. As I listen how lung cancer took him away, he was a heavy smoker, quit but the events of 9/11 made him pick up the habit again, made me think of my own father. You see Papa was a smoker. Was and I have never been more glad. Though, he wasn't much of a heavy smoker but the fact is he was still a smoker. I think this is the reason why I abhor smoking, I have never taken a single puff in my life and I have no plans of doing so. Almost 6 years ago, he quit smoking. He was doing good until stress got the better of him, he picked up the habit once again. Luckily, it didn't last very long since a few months after he started smoking again, he had a major throat infection which hindered him from talking at the start of the campaign. This made him kick the habit once again, cold turkey. This was 4 years ago and he hasn't picked up a single cigarette since. I know that probably smoking all these years have already done damage to his lungs but quitting improves his chances of his lungs clearing up.

My brother on the other hand is a different story. I don't know how he has come to pick the habit. Maybe peer pressure, maybe stress from school, maybe he wanted to have something in common with Papa. I do not know and I never press. But I do wish he quits while he is still young. Our other cousin has quit smoking and I am glad that he did as early as now. I have even bribed my brother that I will pay for his gym membership if he quits smoking and he joins a gym. He is kicking it slowly. I guess he isn't as strong as Papa to quit the habit cold-turkey. But until he quits totally, sorry no money for gym membership. He cannot fool me since Mama and my sisters are my guards. I also hope that seeing a friend of my dad's who is battling lung cancer now would be a wake-up call for him. In fact, this family friend has threatened my brother that if he (family friend) sees my brother light up a cigarette, he will slap him so hard. I hope it doesn't have to come to that. I just hope that seeing this family friend as he lay on his hospital bed after a surgery would be enough to wake up my brother.

I hope that with Peter Jennings' death, it will bring lung cancer to greater awareness. Lung cancer is the highest cause of death more than breast, prostate and colon cancer combined. It is also the most difficult to detect. Technology for its early detection is not available yet. Usually when it is detected, it means it is already in its advantage stage. Like in Peter Jennings case, he was diagnosed back in April and now four months later, it has claimed his life. I hope more people quit while they still can so they wont suffer the consequences later. We cannot and should not put the entire blame on tobacco companies because they will exist as long as there is still one smoker left in this world. People as long as they make a conscious decision to start smoking, tobacco companies will continue to produce cigarettes. No amount of taxation will make these companies disappear but the loss of smokers will. So to those who are smoking, quit now if you want to live long and healthy lives. Sadly, Peter Jennings life wasn't one of those that could be saved. The world of broadcasting has lost a great person in him. I don't think news broadcasting would ever be the same with his passing.

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On a much happier note... I went to a concert of Bamboo last Friday and I have gained a better admiration for Filipino bands. I have always been a fan of Original Pilipino Music (OPM) but it is more evident now that I am away from home. If one looks at my CD collection, it is comprised mostly of Filipino artists with a few US artists here and there but very limited. I also buy original cds to support the Philippine Music Industry because they need it now more than ever. This is my first time seeing them perform live. Even when they were still with different bands, I have not seem them perform, so it was really exciting when I finally did. Being in a foreign country also makes one yearn for the familiar so every chance I get to watch a Filipino artist perform, I grab that opportunity. They sang songs from their two albums and some songs during Bamboo and Nathan's Rivermaya days. They started with Mr. Clay and ended with what else Noypi. They also did 2 songs as encore much to the delight of the crowd. It was a sold-out concert that people were turned away and there were even non-Filipinos there who enjoyed their music as well. I am really glad my camera arrived just in time. Bamboo

Can't think of a title

I was so sad to read in the news that Raul Roco has died of prostate cancer. He was one man that I thought would have made a big difference in the country's state had he been given the chance. I voted for him the moment I was eligible to vote whether it was for a Senate seat or for the Presidency. I never once felt that my vote for him would be a waste, as some people have told me when they learned that I was voting for him. I believe that Raul Roco was one of the few men and women who genuinely cared about what was going in the country and had a vision to make it better. But like everyone else who actually HAVE the genuine desire to alleviate the state of the Philippines, they are not given the chance, in favor of those people who are just milking the country's resources for their own personal gains. The Philippines has a lost a great man in Raul Roco.

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I guess my previous post pretty much summed my "emo" moment which every woman can relate to when it is the "time of the month". I don't want to use it as an excuse each time I am feeling cranky, sad, angry or what-have-you, but sometimes I don't know how to explain it myself why I am feeling that way. This is why after writing the post, I probably had "writer's remorse". I felt bad that my dad may have been depicted as an "uncaring dad" when it is farther from the truth. I felt bad that it seemed like I am not in good terms with Papa, which again is farther from the truth. My sister, Camille asked me what Papa and I disagreed upon this time. I use disagree not argue since I never argue with him or with any of my family members. Argument for me is almost like fighting. I do not fight with my dad. We just have differences in opinions. I guess I have set aside these emotions for sometime and all I needed was something to trigger this outpouring of thoughts. I feel better that it is now out of my system. Let me just make one thing straight, Papa and Mama though they may not agree with everything that my siblings and I do, their unwavering support IS and WILL always be there.

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Now on to not so heavy stuff.....

Blow Inserts

They finally have a name! Every magazine-reading individual has encountered these postcard size things stuck between the pages of the magazine that one is reading. I just recently found out that they are called "blow inserts". They are called such because these cards are literally blown into the magazines as they are either getting printed or bounded. This is why some pages have 2 or 3 stuck between them. But whatever they are called, to me these are just nuisance stuff. I know that magazines have to earn somehow through subscriptions and this is an inexpensive way of doing so but it can be annoying when they distract you from reading whatever it is that you are reading. That is why I spend some time, right after purchasing magazines to skim through them and take out all these "blow inserts" before I actually do some reading. My cousins are well aware of it as well that when they borrow my magazines before I have read them, they already take those out.

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Good news

I got my digital camera back yesterday from the Sony Repair Center. It was fixed and with no charge at that so I am one happy camper today. It came just in time for the Bamboo concert tonight. This is my first time watching them in a concert. So I am really excited.

My camera also arrived in time for my Lola's 84th birthday 2 weeks from now. It is a surprise party therefore my relatives and I are all lying to her. My uncles from Las Vegas and Chicago are even coming over for her big day. She thinks that no one cares enough to plan a party for her that is why she is planning one for herself and everyone else is playing along with her. She is going to be in for a big surprise. She really deserves it. She gave birth to 15 children. Yes, my mom belongs to a brood of 15. Mama is the 8th child. Lola is not only the mother to her 15 children but also to 14 in-laws, 43 grandchildren, 12 grandchildren-in-law, and 24 great-grandchildren. Yup, we are already a party on our own.

Dilemma

Growing up, it never entered my consciousness that I would one day get a degree in Psychology. I didn't even know what psychology was about. As far as I know, my choices for possible career were: law, medical field, engineering or commerce. As a kid, this is all that I was exposed to. I wasn't particularly happy but then again, I wasn't really paying much attention to it either. Back in high school, going into culinary arts did enter my mind at the same time that going into journalism did. But my dad said that these were not exactly lucrative careers. I took what he said, I was just a kid, what did I know. I was a junior in high school when Papa was already started asking me questions about college: Where am I going to study? Where am I going to live? What course am I going to pick? I felt sad because it seemed like he was already trying to get rid of me. Get rid, in the sense that there was no argument in the fact that I would go to Manila for college.. away from the safe and secured environment of Tacloban that I was accustomed to. I knew it was going to be hard but I knew too well that it was an opportunity opened for me. Being the eldest, it was upon me to set a good example for my siblings. I was going to be the first one to swim in this vast ocean that is LIFE. I had to make good at it or else I did not only fail myself but I will fail them as well. That is one heavy load to carry on my shoulders but I took it.

Going back to Psychology..once it was established where I was going to apply, Papa chose my course options. I was not so sure yet what I wanted to be so I allowed him to. Behavioral Science & Business Management was my course when I entered DLSU. But after taking a General Psychology class and getting a really good grade, I knew that I needed to shift when I was already able to. Math isn't one of my strongest points so I decided to drop Business Management and shifted to Psychology and I never once regretted making that decision. It was the FIRST major decision I ever made in my life and for once my parents had nothing to do with it. I just told them after the fact. They couldn't say anything more, what else can they say. But I am sure they, particularly Papa wasn't so thrilled about it. In his mind, I will be around "puro lurong-lurong (crazy people). I couldn't blame him since he knew nothing about the possible careers in Psychology, so I passed on to him what I was learning. He heard them but I don't think he listened to them. I let it pass since I thought this is my career, I am the one going to school so I will deal with it. Four years later, I graduated with a degree in Psychology.

The thing is, I don't think up to now Papa has fully grasped the fact that I chose a path that he may not agree with or comfortable with. It broke my heart when he told my aunt that he was disappointed that I took up Psychology. He felt that it wouldn't bring me anywhere. I was already done with it, what more can I do. Looking back now, I think Psychology was presented to me for a reason. I have a better grasp of human behavior and thinking which paves the way for me to be more understanding and accepting of all the complexities that is human being. Sometimes, I get confused especially with dealing with Papa's attitude whether I am his child or a Psych grad who happens to be his child. I try to be really understanding of him, of where he is coming from but sometimes he makes it so difficult. Among my siblings, I can say that I can pretty much tell him what I think without crossing the line of being disrespectful. I have come to the age that he at least listens to what I have to say, or at least I think he does. But, it is still difficult. For one, we grew up during different times. Then there is the fact that Papa isn't necessarily the easiest person to live with. I have thought of so many times of telling him what we all (my siblings and Mama) think but I am scared to push his buttons. Don't get me wrong, Papa is probably the best dad there is but he needs some lessons in sensitivity sometimes. There are times that he makes us feel that only his feelings mattered and to hell with ours. He will say his piece because he feels being our father that is due him. I am already on the other side of the world and yet I am not totally free from it. I don't think I will ever be when I have Mama and my siblings even Papa making me aware of it. Plus, I really would want to know anyway since I am still a part of this family even when I am not physically there.

But sometimes, it is taking a toll on me. My siblings and I share the same sentiments and yet none of us wants to bring that to his attention. We all know too well that he is not going to take it lightly. My siblings have relegated to me, being the eldest to do it, but I don't know if I can. As a child, I want to but knowing all too well about personalities, I don't think it is in his personality to understand it the way that we mean it. He feels that my mom's siblings take advantage of my mom's kindness, this is usually the root of their disagreements. As a child, I know and understand where he is coming from. But as a Psych Grad, I want him to let it go and move on because it is hurting his relationship with Mama in these times that we are all out of the house and it's just the two of them. Plus these are past issues that needs to stay there. I know that he has Mama's welfare and well-being at heart but it can get really tiring when it is rehashed constantly. I understand that there is a precedence that is why Papa can't seem to let it go but it is not as if Mama isn't aware of. She just doesn't need to hear it often. I am not blind to this situation, none of us are, but to continue living with that over our heads isn't doing us much good. Maybe, Papa, being her husband feels that he has to stay his piece. I am fine with that but once in awhile should have been enough and not every chance he's got. Besides, what he is accusing Mama of, he is guilty of the same thing. Wasn't serving and doing something for the people of Leyte and yet not even being appreciated for it the same as Mama not being appreciated by her siblings? At least with Mama's siblings, she didn't spend all that money, only to be continually criticized and unappreciated.

As a child, I want to say that I get him, that I understand him, I may not agree but I accept his thoughts and feelings. But as a Psych grad, I feel that there are more underlying issues that may or may not have something to do with us, that he needs to deal with and not lash it out on us. As a child, I just want peace and harmony but as a Psych grad, I want him to deal with those issues so that they wont be a dark cloud hovering above us. The earlier he deals with them, the better. I want to be his child, to be an anchor and a shoulder to lean on the way that he is with us and yet I want to guide and help him and the rest of the family deal with whatever it is and accept it. Can I be a child and still be someone who can guide him and all of us out of this state? Can I be a child and empathize at the same time look at the situation objectively and find a way out of this situation when our sanity and our relationships still intact? Or I have to be one or the other? This is one topic that was not discussed in any of my classes.