Fraud

felt like the biggest fraud sitting there
couldn't bear to look at them straight
kept my head down most of the time
each words ringing in my ear
each prayer felt like a knot around me, tightening
at one point I couldn't breathe

the thing is I did no wrong
the people concerned seemed fine and at peace
as each words spoken
felt like shouting "hear that?"
I bit my tongue
but my heart wanted to burst out

not being judgmental
but how can you sit there and pray
when the very reason you are praying for
you can't seem to let go
how can you pray for healing
when you refuse to heal from within?

the problem isn't with the world
but you seem to think so
truth be told you are part of the problem
that doesn't seem to wane
yet, here you are praying
when you could be doing something

you seek for peace
when there is turmoil within
you seek for others to be enlightened
when you are the one who needs it
you seek for continued guidance
when you yourself is lost

last night was just the first night
how many more nights are there?
eight more days I think or maybe more
more days that I will keep my head down
or maybe I find myself out of the house
one thing is sure I don't think I can look straight up to those eyes.

how come you can?

With time to spare

Evi wondered what I do on days, though none existent at this point in time, that I find my schedule free of anything. I am actually yearning for days like those but so far it has been elusive. :sigh: Come to think of it what would I being doing on days like those....

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out?
- watch movies. Back in college, with nothing to do and with a free schedule, I would watch movies by myself at the theaters. I have not done that lately.
- if I don't go to the theater, I watch movies or tv shows at home. Lately, I have been into watching Asian films and Korean dramas.
- go online; read blogs, check my mails, chat with who among my family and friends are online, search just about anything that I can think of
- listen to music, my current favorite is Hale. I love the entire album but my most favorite is the song "Runaway"
- read. I pretty much have a new book every week. I finished "Can You Keep A Secret" by Sophie Kinsella in one night so it is important that I have a steady supply of books. I am waiting for all my Summit books to arrive. I read a lot of self-help/psychology books as well.
- write poems
- call my family and friends

What are the things you do to lower your stress or anxiety level?
- poetry writing has been effective to me. In the middle of thesis writing, I actually wrote a poem and felt energized and focused after that. I guess I am not stressed out lately since I haven't written in awhile. Either that or I am lacking in inspiration.
- ranting into my journal -- online and on paper. Once I have let it out, I feel so much better.
- retail therapy or most of the time window shopping
- oddly enough spending time with my cousins but we haven't been able to do that lately since we all have our own thing going on
- going for a facial & hair appointment. I usually schedule them all in one day. I have to have a whole day of pampering myself
- daydream or visualize
- I find my own little, quiet corner and meditate

FILMS YOU WATCH

What are the five films that you watched a lot and meant a lot to you?

I watched Bride & Prejudice a lot the past couple of days. I can't just pick 5 films because usually it's certain scenes or certain situations in these films that I liked or that has meaning to me. But Bride & Prejudice has a lot of elements that I can relate to.

I wonder what Diwata, Abster, Gail, Patrick, Jeff, Jove, Angeni & Mina do when they find themselves with time to spare.

In your eyes

I was tagged by Diwata and I find this very interesting. I was not the most open person growing up. So it is a big surprise and a revelation to me that I am sharing my life through blogging. I am sure people who blog feel the same way. Blogging is not only a way for me to throw to the world my thoughts, feelings and what have you, but it has allowed me to stay in touch with people, reconnect with some, meet new and interesting people and strangely may have found a relative (right Primo?) LOL This is indeed one small world we live in and we are more connected to each other than we know.

Since I have not met majority of those who read my blog, I am curious to know what my blog and what my posts say about me. This does not exclude those who know me so well (Camille & Christine). Or kind of know me ( Yam, Diane, Favel, Kat, Isy, Aya & Tet). I wonder what Jennie, Evi & Kaytee thinks as well.

Casting Call

I think it's inevitable that as we read each other's journals we create mental pictures of each other. Post this on your own journal to find out who your friends see when they read about your life.

The Rule:

The person must be in the movies or on TV (but doesn't have to be an actor/actress). The person can be specific to a role (e.g. Jennifer Aniston's Rachel Green) or just the person themself.

These castings can be based on things in the person's personality or on physical traits you know they have.

Don't peak at other peoples answers!

Bad news/Good news

@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()

I accidentally dropped my Sony Cybershot digital camera (what was I thinking? The wrist strap isn't there for nothing!). The lens is stuck and wont retract. I called the Customer Service Center and someone who sounded Filipina answered my call. She was very helpful. She tried to help me by suggesting that pressing the "reset" button might solve the problem. (Nope) So she gave me the necessary things that I need to write when I send the camera for repair. I am sending this camera first thing when I get to work. She told me that since the repair center is closed being that it happened at 12:50 AM so she wont be able to give me a work order which I would need before I can send the camera to Texas. She told me to call the Customer Service again or better yet get the work order through their website. I am still within the period stipulated in the Limited Warranty but they will let me know once the repair center gets my camera if the problem is within the warranty or not. If it is within, then it is free of charge but if not, she also told me that I might be charged, which I do not mind as long this camera gets fixed. It is still pretty new. I hope it is within the warranty. But who knows! Doesn't matter to me though, just want this fixed eventhough this is another dent in my bank account in these times that I am trying to stick to a budget. I hate it when my mind is set into not spending on miscellaneous things and this happens. Argh!

No to drama

As much as possible I do not like drama in my life. If I want drama, I will watch TV. I avoid drama as much as I can but for some reasons it always finds a way to reach me. If it is not me directly, it is the people around me I care about and before I know it I am involved in the whole drama. Geez! This weekend was no different. As soon as Friday rolled in, my cousin had a drama with her boyfriend which is making her think twice if this relationship of hers is all worth it. I have never seen her this pissed and frustrated at this guy. So I guess this is one of his misgivings that she is not able to deal with. I am basically one of those people that she opens up to so there I was listening to her as she ranted. I just hope that I was able to impart in her something but then again ultimately it is her decision. The whole weekend she was pretty much pissed so I was just there to listen. Then Monday came, I was chatting with my sister on YM and she was also in a pissy mood. It turned out she and my other cousin are not on speaking terms. Basically the gist is my sister is overly stressed with school and orgs and my cousin is overly stressed as well with school and problems with the boyfriend. A misunderstanding ensued, they got into each others nerves and now they have not spoken to each other for 2 days. The weird thing is they share a room. Being the "Ate" that I am, I tried to get to the bottom of it especially since my sister and our cousin are pretty much joined at the hip and for them not to talk to each other, it is a big thing. My friends have told me that I have always been "neutral" among our group of friends. I always thought it was a good thing but now I am starting to think twice. I don't necessarily take the other person's side but I just make whoever I am talking to think on what may be going on inside the other person's head. So that was what I did to my sister. Apparently, she expected more from me because instead of being pacified and her anger to wane she has now turned her anger on me. She said she doesn't need opinions. Great! What does she expect me to say? I cannot automatically take her side or what have you without knowing the other side of the story. I always believed that there are 2 sides of the story and the truth. I am not going to take her side just cause she is my sister. In other situations, maybe but at this point I am not going to because it also involves my cousin. My whole intention why I asked her to relay to me what happened was for me to know and understand and maybe for her to hear what exactly it is that is the problem. Sometimes, people tend to only hear what they want to hear and believe, but by saying it loud sometimes, the tune becomes different and we look at the whole situation differently. At the same time, I did not want her to bottle all her emotions in because that is even more destructive and a bigger distraction. A distraction that she does not need right now. I guess my sister was still stressed out because instead of calming down she has displaced her anger at me. It turned out that the more that I asked her to tell me what happened, she was getting all worked up all over again and was getting even more mad. She signed off YM without even saying a decent bye which felt like the same as the phone being banged on me. "C, I know you are mad but as if getting mad at me is going to make you less mad at Y. Give her and yourself time! I am not the one that you are angry at!" There, that's my final say on this matter.

Some of my relatives are overly-dramatic as well. They are supposed to be adults but sometimes they act worse than the spoiled brats of all spoiled brats! It's annoying! Sometimes, my younger cousins have more sense than all of my aunts and uncles on my mom's side combined. The thing is some of them let their own personal issues with each other cloud their relationship with the most important person at this point.. my Lola, their mother. Lola lost Lolo almost 4 years ago. She lost her partner of 65 years. We all prayed diligently that the sadness over Lolo's death will not overcome her and that she will choose to join Lolo. Good thing our prayers were answered. She is still strong and energetic at her age of 84. But, if illness is not going to bring my Lola down it is her own children who will be the cause of it. Sometimes, I am glad that my Mom is in the Philippines, far away from the drama that her siblings are creating. I am not the eldest among the grandchildren, I think I am the 15th out of 43 cousins but I feel sometimes that I am more sensible than my eldest cousin, "hindi sa nagbubuhat ako ng bangko". Instead of pacifying her aunts and uncles, sometimes she adds to it much to my dismay. Sure, she wont be able to mouth off to our older aunts and uncles but I think they will be more compelled to listen to her than to any of us. Everything is such an issue for them. They make a mountain out of an anthill. All the psychology lessons I have already reviewed and frankly, I do not know what is wrong with them. I try to be more empathetic because it must have been hard growing up one of 15 children, but come on now get over it. They have their own families already, some even have their own grandchildren but they still hold on to ancient hurt feelings and grudges. I once read an email of "20 Truths to Live By". One of them was "a grudge is a heavy load to carry!". So true! What is the point of holding grudges and pent-up feelings of long gone when all it does is destroy the person within. My relatives probably think that they are hurting each other but they do not realize that more than hurting others, they are hurting their own selves. They also do not realize that them carrying all that baggage prevents them from having meaningful relationships not only with their own family members but with others as well. My sister said I am brave for being able to endure living with relatives, especially relatives like these. I wish I was braver though to knock some sense into their stubborn heads and make them realize that Lola does not have a long road before her. I am guilty of being apathetic sometimes too out of my annoyance. I chose not to get entangled with their issues. I am not going to feed their bruised feelings just so they will feel that they are in the "right". Ang hilig hilig pang maghanap ng kakampi. I feel that people who seek validation that what they are doing is right isn't sure themselves that what they are doing is right. My aunts and uncles, instead of squabbling, they should cherish the time that they have left with her. Baka sa huli pa ang pagsisisi! As if maririnig pa sila! Don't get me wrong, they are genuinely nice people if only they will be nicer to each other. I am sure that will make Lola happier and at peace.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Diane some time ago but it is only now that I get to answer this. Sorry, Diane.

If I could be in one place right now - I would like to be back in Tacloban with my family and friends. It's been 7 years since I last saw any of my friends. Some I have known since first grade, a few even since kindergarten until now. If I were in Tacloban, I can spend a whole day doing nothing. I know it may sound like a waste of time but I have not have that chance for the past 7 years. People need to regroup and re-energize every so often. It seems that no matter how many vacations I take to places I could only dream of, nothing compares doing all that at home. Everything is accessible in Tacloban. If I wake up one morning and felt like going to the beach, its easy. The beach is 5 minutes away. If I felt like eating all the seafoods to my heart's delight, I can have it. I can watch tv all day, nap when I want to, meet up with my friends without checking if my schedule will allow it. Most of all, I want to sleep in my bed, have late night conversations with my parents and siblings, have late night runs for barbecue with them and just be in their company. Nothing beats being with family and friends.

If I could give something of myself to my family & friends in Tacloban - that would be my undivided attention when they need to talk to me; being accessible to listen to them whenever they need me without worrying how much the text message or call would cost. Knowing that I am just a call away, being in the same area code makes all the difference. Most of all being able to give them a hug when they need it and when I want to.

If I could take some people somewhere - it would be to the Philippines. No matter what the political situation may be, it is still home no matter what. There are so many things that the Philippines can offer in terms of nature, culture, food and people. We have so many tourist destinations and untapped resources which I only came to know and appreciate while being away. I would like to explore that and make it more fun by bringing people along.

If I could make one dream come true - whatever it is that every Filipino dreams of right now, not the personal ones but the one that will free all of us from whatever turmoil the entire country is in at this point. By the looks of things, to dream and hope is all we have at this point to stay sane.

If I could do real magic - that is to educate all people that we as people have our responsibilities within ourselves in the outcome of our lives and that of others. People has to realize that we are interconnected somehow and whatever we do personally has an effect on the bigger scope of things. I think its an illness of the world to always resort to blaming others with their own misfortune rather than taking responsibility for making those decisions that affected one's life.

I invite anyone to feel free to have their own versions of "If I could..."