Hindsight is always 20/20

I just found out that this guy that I sort of found cute back in college got married. :( Back then I just thought he was cute but I didn't think much about it. He and my cousin moved in the same circles so that's how I met him. Their org "tambayan" was near ours in school so we would exchange "hi's and hellos" or small talk when he would come over to our "tambayan" when I was by my lonesome. A lot of my girl friends found him cute as well but I think more than cute, he was a really nice guy and smart too. As my graduation drew near I saw less and less of him since he was also busy with his own studies. I just shrugged it off since I just thought he was cute nothing more. I was way too preoccupied with my studies to even do anything or think about anything. Besides I don't think I ever felt that he was into me other than being friends so why bother. Then we lost touch when I graduated and eventually left the country. I haven't heard anything about him since until I found him on Friendster a year ago I think. I was glad but it was also through Friendster that I found out that he has just gotten married. He seems happy which I am glad to know and it has been ages ago so its already a distant memory. It makes me wonder why I was even interested in knowing anything about him. We were not even really friends just acquaintances but he did something one time though which until now I can't forget. On one of those times at our tambayan, he had a brilliant idea to use those correction pen to draw a flower on the nail of my thumb like nailart which was the trend that time. I was bewildered and I tried to pull my thumb away but he wouldn't let me until he was done drawing the flower. I think that flower stayed there for the rest of the day. Until now I still don't know nor understand why he did that for but I smile now when I remember that moment. I actually don't remember the day nor the date just the gesture. But *sigh* he is now married and to his longtime girlfriend at that so.. Congratulations to them!

Random thoughts on an otherwise packed weekend

My closet isn't the most organized thing in the world and it's bursting out of its hinges but I know when items are not where they are supposed to be. Just with one glance I knew that one of my dresses was missing and another top has been MIA for some time. There are only 2 other closets where these two can be: my sister's closet and my cousin's closet - both in another house. But the said 2 items are neither in both closets. So that bummed me out especially since I was saving the dress to wear to my cousin's confirmation 2 Saturdays ago only to find it missing so I had to look for another dress to wear. I have an idea who may have took it without my permission. Only one other person has access to my room aside from my sister and other cousin. Well four others but with process of elimination none of them is the likely candidate. One is too young; one is a guy and 2 are not into my style at all. The only time my sister and cousin can go is when I am there so that eliminated them as well. This other person can be there even when I am not. I feel really disappointed in her. I don't want to confront her because I don't want to cause any more embarrassment. Plus, I really don't have solid proof that she took it, just a hunch. Well a hunch and a history of her taking some of my stuff before. When we used to live in one house I would go through her bag and find my stuff but this time she lives 90 miles away and I doubt if she would even bring it back. My only other chance is to find a picture of her actually wearing these two items. *sigh* I know I should be angry but I am not. I am more saddened, hurt and disappointed because I don't understand why such is being done to me when I am not selfish at all. I let people borrow my stuff when I can and she knows this. I think I am the most unselfish person there is when it comes to material things so it was so painful that such a thing is done to me. I really don't understand. I should really just let it go since its just a dress and a top. The material things I can let go but the principle I cannot. I am even willing to forget everything as long as both are returned to me, not because I want them back but because maybe in that way its her way of redeeming herself and also for our relatives to know that she isn't totally who they all think she is. But I don't know how to do about it. I guess I would have to say bye to this turquoise wrap-around dress with the tag still attached to it last time I saw it and this olive green, racer back top that I only wore once. *sigh*

I finally did over the weekend what I have been putting off for a long time now - clean and organize my closet. I stayed home pretty much all weekend to clean my room. I will sound like a spoiled brat but I miss Mana Mila. she has been our housekeeper since my sister was 1 year old, she's turning 21 this year. She would sweep our room everyday for dust but the general cleaning is left for my sisters and I to do. Here with no Mana Mila to rely on, I put off cleaning when I have a lot of time or when things are starting to annoy me. Its not something I want nor proud of but with the lack of time to do so many things, some are just put off for next time. I tossed out some of the clothes I no longer wear. I changed all the hangers so its all the same now. I read somewhere that to prevent the hangers from getting all tangled up is to get uniform hangers so that's what I did. All white hangers. I consumed 8 packs of hangers that come 13/pack. I also arranged it according to color and same with my folded clothes. My obssessive-compulsive side was in overdrive. But I am happy with the way it looks and I feel a sense of accomplishment. But sadly, I took all my clothes out of the closet and put them back one by one still no sight of the turquoise dress and olive top. =(

I can spend an entire day at a bookstore. I will find any reason to stop by a bookstore when I am at a mall. I can get lost in a bookstore. My companions don't usually enjoy it since I spend so much time but heck there are couches now in bookstores so they can either sit and relax or they can always leave me and I will just meet them later. I am a member of both BarnesAndNoble and B0rders. With my B&N card I get 10% off but I paid a fee. With B0rders I didn't pay a fee and yet I get a lot of perks. On my birthday, they sent me an email for a 30% discount off any regular price item. I get personal shopping time each month which is 10% discount. So yesterday when I found myself at the B0rders near me I got a book and 2 cookbooks at bargain prices and the cashier asked me if I wanted to use my personal shopper discount which I already forgot about. I didn't have the coupon with me but it seems that when she swiped my card, it prompted her that I have not availed of it yet. So I did. But the biggest surprise I got was when I was at the counter and there was a flier for this. Every last Wednesday of each month, my local B0rders will have a KoreanDrama Preview Party. On May 31, its My*Name*Is*Kim*Sam*Soon which is one of my favorites. I already watched this but I am curious to see who would show up.

Papa is turning 57 years old on Thursday and I laughed when I saw in the calendar section of my sister's multiply that at this age Papa, well my parents still don't have an "apo" (grandchild) and it happening soon isn't likely either. Papa has been sending feelers but no major pressure. He said that the house back home is so quiet since its just him and Mama. That it would be nice to see and hear kids running around. I told him to just borrow Ethan, my cousin's son. He said that he and Mama would travel once they are sure that all four siblings are stable (translation: married) but I told him that it looks like it will be some time before they will be able to travel. My reply was met with laughter. I told Chary about it and it seems she too is getting the same feelers. Well she is married while I am not so it is sort of expected of her. My parents has to marry me off first which is not yet in my horizon but who knows. Chary said something that made me wonder if it really is the case. It seems parents want to marry us off because it kind of means that they are relinquishing responsibility of us to someone else. But can't I be responsible for my own self? Can't I not be stable without gettingmarried? My being single has been an ongoing joke within my family and I am sure it will reach new heights when my cousin who's the same age as I am gets married in September. My uncle has offered to be a sponsor. An aunt promised to throw me a lavish bridalshower. Every time they see a wedding, they drop hints that my wedding should be like it. I know they mean well but every time I hear these only one thing comes to mind - they are all giving me away. I used to be scared that if I introduce a guy to the family, they will "grill" him to no end but now I feel that if I do, they would almost "sell" me out. They might "trap" whoever he is and not let him go. Now that's an even scarier thought.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my parent's 31st weddinganniversary. Quite a feat, if you ask me. I don't know how else I am going to pay homage to my parents for everything that they have done for me and my siblings. I think no matter how much I try to put into words all the appreciation, it would never be enough. Three years ago, I decided to put into a really long letter pretty much everything that I want to tell my parents. I am going to post some of it to give anyone willing to know a glimpse on what kind of parents my siblings and I have been blessed with. Its quite personal but since my paternal lola has pretty much shared it with anyone, I might as well do the same. I am sure the past 31 years have not all been rosy and good times but my parents affection for each other has not wavered through the years. I think it has been strengthened now since its just the two of them most of the time at home. Papa's work entails him to go on business trips. He doesn't particularly enjoy them but it is necessary. So even if its going to be an additional expense, he brings Mama along because not only would Mama be able to travel but also because Papa would be able to sleep. We thought that Papa was just acting but he really is not able to sleep when he is by himself. We are a not a very vocal family or a touchy feely one but we show our respect and appreciation through our actions, love and care. All four children may be adults now but I know that in our parents eyes, we will always be their babies and its not going to change no matter how old we get.

June 10, 2003

I hope that we have never given you big headaches, big problems or big heartaches. If we did, I am sorry, it was never intentional. I don't think we would do anything to intentionally hurt either of you. It is the last thing that we would want to do after all the sacrifices that you have done for us. We may have not thanked you enough for everything but we do appreciate and are grateful for everything that you have gifted us with. More than the material things, you have given us something important and that is to believe in ourselves. You have supported us through everything that we have set our hearts and minds into and that makes all the difference in the world. On top of it all you have made sure that we did things as a family. Be it just having a dinner in our backyard, playing a meaningless but fungame of Word Factory, those lazy Sunday afternoons of nothing, sitting in our porch, staring at the stars, those good natured teasing or going around downtown on a whim especially the morning after a typhoon, we found ways to enjoy each other's company with fewer trappings but more on laughter and just plain good times. I look back at those when I feel homesick and my spirits are lifted right away. I am grateful that I have those moments to think about because it makes me sane living in this crazy world. I know that my being away from home was hard to accept but you nevertheless relented because it was what I have decided to do. That support makes all the difference because I know that whatever I decide to do I have your back and you have mine. You never fail to tell me and make me feel that I can always go home when the time comes that I decide to. I am truly grateful for that.

I thank you for your no-TV rule on weekdays because it fostered a great relationship among the four of us; the single telephone line growing up because it allowed us to be considerate of other people, well at times anyway, hehehhe!; the one televisionset in the house because it has allowed us to share the remotecontrol with everyone and come up with a compromise on what to watch; most of all is that you allowed us to make decisions even on the most trivial things because it taught us to take responsibilities for our actions and to know the consequences of our actions. You also never failed to reprimand us when we have gotten out of line. We didn't fully understand the rationale of it all then but looking back at it, we now understand. You just wanted us to walk in the right path.

I think more than being great parents, the important thing is that you are great people in your own ways and not once have one of you tried to be better than the other. Yours is a relationship that is balanced, there is no one wanting more power than the other. Parenting indeed is a shared responsibility and never was it ever clear when we would ask permission and we were bounced from one parent to another on who will give the final say. It was funny then and its still is. The way that you are with each other influenced our own choices more than you would ever know. It's not us being picky for no reasons but all the people who came into our lives and who will come into our lives have big shoes to fill and we have always been taught not to expect anything less. I saw how you have treated each other, with respect, understanding and love. I want the same thing for myself and for my siblings that's why I guess it's going to take awhile for us to find those individuals who will treat us the same way that you treat each other. We will be patient because we will not want anything other than what we have grown accustomed to and grown up looking up to.

We may have grown up more sheltered than others, that, we are aware of but never defined who and what we are. What define us are the love that you have never failed to shower us with, the support and love that you relentlessly and unconditionally give and the kind of example that you have shown us. We are your children, yes but you treated us with respect. You treated us as individuals and allowed us to be one. You treat us as adults when we act like one and treat us as kids when we are acting like one. I know it's hard to let go of your children when the right time comes but you did anyway because you know that it's for our own good too. The important thing is that you don't totally let go and you make us feel that we can always jerk that string and you will pull us through. We are indeed better than anyone not because of our status in life but because you have taught us to magnify and appreciate the good things in people and overlook the bad things. That defines a good person and that is what we aspire to be.

I once heard from someone that "the best gifts parents can give their children are roots and wings." You have given us both and continue to give us both. My family has always kept me grounded, kept me real having to live in this changing, superficial world. You have given us roots strong enough to weather the storms that have come our way and will continue to come our way. More than giving us wings for us to fly, you flew with us until it was time for us to soar the vast, blue sky on our own, securing us a nest where we can go to after flying around this big, blue world called LIFE.

We may not say it often enough but we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We appreciate everything that you have done for us. You have done more than you think you did and that will be our edge when we take our proper place under the sun. Thank you for giving us roots, for allowing us to earn our wings, for allowing us to dream our own dream, for letting us walk our footsteps and not follow yours, for holding our hand as we cross each road and street, for all the hugs when we hurt, for the care when we scraped our knees (yes, Mama even that, even if it was borderline barbaric at times, at least we have no visible scars!), for the scolding and the explanation afterwards because it gave us a better perspective that we were not being reprimanded for no reason and that it was for our own good, for being our friends when you need to be one and most of all for the love and support that you have always given us and continue to give eventhough it wasn't returned at times. You prepared us to face the world, by leading as good examples and by gifting us with morals, values and principles that will be our source of strength in making wise and sensible decisions in life. Trust not the world but trust yourselves that you have taught us well enough to survive in this jungle.

I love you with all my heart and protect you with my life! Strip me with all the luxuries in life, I will still be happy because I have you with me and that's what counts the most in this life. Life is not easy, no one said it will be but we all have made it better for one another and that is what is important.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PAPA & MAMA!

Queen Rania of Jordan

I don't know what it is about her that first caught my attention. But since the first time that I heard about Queen Rania of Jordan, I was in awe of her. I first came to know her I think when King Hussein died and Prince Abdullah, her husband was crowned and she became Queen of Jordan. I read about her and was in awe because not only is she pretty but she's educated and is pushing for women's rights in a country that the whole world may not think would be very accepting of women. I think in her own little way she is changing the whole structure that women are being perceived not only in her country but in the world as well. She also has this charisma that I think draws people in. I admire her a whole lot. She is not only a queen, she is a mother of 4 as well and she puts family above everything. I was so excited to learn that she would be a guest on today's Oprah show. I want to know more about her. I am just glad that I have a job that allows me to be able to watch the show while at work but I still set the timer on my recorder at home just in case. I love, love her name and if and when I do have a daughter I am going to name her Rania. There is just something in the way that name sounds when being said that I love. Maybe because its close to my name and its quite unique. I have gotten a lot of curious questions when people learn my name. My siblings and I have pretty unique names and its nice to tell people where our names came from and why our parents gave us these names. I would want my daughter to have the same experience.

Life's simple pleasures

I was tagged by Kaytee to list down 10 of life's simple pleasures. I thought that it would be relatively easy list to make but I thought wrong. I don't know why.

Instructions: Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.

1. Getting letters - snail mail, email, long, short - I take anything. Back in college I would have the biggest smile on my face when after a stressful day in school I would get home and find letters from my friends. Some even just live within Manila and yet we still wrote to each other. I have kept every single one of them. Its also fun to read them again now. I had a few unexpected letters from my parents as well where I would already be bawling with just merely reading the "Dear Raissa" part.

2. Out of the blue text messages, well of course they have to be good ones. I think text messaging is one of the world's best inventions LOL. If the Sorelli sisters in the show "Related" have what they call a "phone chain", my family and I have a "text chain" or a "text brigade". When my sister's purse was snatched on her way to the airport heading for home, in a matter of minutes all of us already knew. Nicco sent a textmessage to Mama who was at home who sent a message to Papa who sent it to my sister and I. I knew right away too when 2 of my dearest friends passed the Philippine Bar Exams. My dad and I even have a disagreement through text messaging. But lately, his texts have been trickles. After seeing his latest bill, he decided to slow it down a bit. That goes the same for me. Aside from family, those unexpected "hw r u?" and "wats up?" from friends are enough to make me smile.

3. Red Boba Milk Tea from Guppy Tea House in Cerritos. Its hard to get a table on weekends since a lot of people hang out there but those Red Boba Milk Tea are worth the hassle. If getting a table is really hard, we can always order it to go and enjoy it in the confines of home.

4. Rain...good book/good movie/good drama with a happy ending...warm blanket and my blanket since I was a kid.

5. A day of nothingness but not staying home doing nothing. No definite plans. No definite place to go. Just a leisure walk through life.

6. Packages in the mail - cds, dvds, magazines etc. I think its the whole anticipation for those to arrive is what does it for me. Especially if its my dose of KoreanDramas and other AsianDramas. I wait and wait for it and when I get home and see a box or a bulky envelope, I smile and sigh and forget that it was even a "bad" day.

7. Dates with myself. I find comfort in the hustle and bustle that is lunch hour. I actually enjoy going into a restaurant, hoping to get a table by the window, write or people watch as I wait for my order. Sure I enjoy the company of others as well but lunch dates with myself is bliss. I get to reflect and meditate.

8. Finding that ever elusive "perfect" fitting jeans, "perfect" little black dress, "perfect white tees" etc. Finding the item that I have long wanted to get is still available. I am not an impulsive shopper but if I can't erase an item from my mind and when I go back its still there then its for me. Shoes as well - flats, sandals, wedge, heels, flipflops, embellished, unique designs.

9. Randomly calling friends and them picking up or returning the call when I leave a message. In this busy world that we all live in, it is so easy to lose touch with people. My friends and I are all busy with things and there are times we don't speak to each other for long periods of time and on a day that I feel like calling them to catch up, they pick up and we talk like as if it hasn't been a long time.

10. Conversations with my parents and siblings.

Would like to know your "10"...

- Camille

- Isy

- Kat

- Kai

- Clare

- Jennie

- Jan

- Fla

- Je

- Gail

No cost therapy

You Should Be a Poet

You have a way with words... and a talent for drawing the pure emotions out of experiences. Your poetry has the potential to make people laugh and cry at the same time. You just need to write it!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Writing is my therapy, my stress reliever as well and if I am able to evoke emotions in other people when my intention was just to feel better myself or let off some steam then I guess I made a difference. When it comes to writing, I am my worst critic. I made a mistake of asking my mom to send me the poems I wrote back in high school and I cringed. If I wasn't lactose intolerant already I would be by the amount of "cheese" that were in those poems. I guess I just had to chalk it up to my being young then. I just wrote on the basis of what I knew then and what I felt at that particular point in my life. I am also very conscious that it has to be grammatically correct, the spelling is right and it makes sense. That's why the 3 most important companions that I must have when I write are: dictionary, thesaurus and spelling dictionary.

I have also written in the most peculiar places. One time in the middle of the most crucial time writing my college thesis, I stopped working on it, took out a piece of paper and wrote a poem in less than 30 minutes. I guess I just had to rest my brain. Yup, I rest my brain by doing another thing that requires me to use it. I also once wrote a poem during a debut of my sister's friend; while looking after our bakeshop then; after reading a book about Soulmates on a 4 hour road trip and other really strange instances. I guess this is the reason why I have to have paper and a pen with me at all times because I don't know when inspiration would strike.

My sister asked me why I haven't compiled or published my short stories and poems, after all there are a lot of them. I guess, I just never felt confident enough about my writing for me to share with a lot of people. My family and friends and maybe a few strangers here and there are enough for now at least. I am actually not scared of rejection. I think its a good thing so I may improve. My parents have encouraged me but there just hasn't been a chance or I don't know if its really something that I want to do. Maybe because, a lot of my short stories and poems are very personal to me, an extension of who I am, of what I feel, of what I think. Its like imparting a part of myself to a lot of people, which I may not yet be prepared to do. Plus, I am not sure if I really want to do it on a long term basis. I write when I want to, when I need to, when I feel like it. I just feel that if the pressure is there to come up with something sensible at a given time, it will take away the fun part of it from me. I really write to keep my sanity and to express myself, now if it gives comfort, hope, joy to someone else then, that is just the bonus, the icing on an already decadent cake. But I am not closing any doors. Tomorrow is after all a new day.

Letting off steam

I would like to believe that I am one of those people who have a lot of patience. I do not get affected or pissed off easily. When I do it means that I have reached the very end of my rope and I need some time alone or need to do something to release all those pent up emotions. Writing has been one of my ways to let off steam and so far the one that has worked the best.

* Some of my relatives are acting dumb again which is annoying me to no end! Really they should be the adults here but no! They are such a baggage that I, along with my clear thinking relatives really shouldn't be carrying around but we are. Then again we can choose our friends but not our relatives. When would that time be?

* I think people, in any shape, size or form are bound, born even to be judgmental. We frown at what other people do that we may thing isn't appropriate. We question people's actions just because it wouldn't be the same thing we would do if in the same situation. We are quick to judge and yet taken aback when we are called about our own hypocrisy. We question other people's value system basing it on our own when we shouldn't because each person as his or her own value system that they live by. What may be wrong based on our value system isn't wrong when based on theirs. Our value systems are shaped by so many different things - family, religion, society, morals, education etc which are not all the same and objective so its a moot point to even be pissed if some people just don't look at the same thing like we do. I am guilty of this as well but I think studying Psychology and age as well has taught me to be less judgmental and more tolerant of other people just cause they are different and do not think the same way I do. We, after all are all individuals and unique in our own way. Shouldn't we just celebrate our individuality and not base what people do on our own definitions of right and wrong? Don't get me wrong. I am no angel nor saint. I also snap one in awhile after all I am still human.

* Fourteen years of studying Religion/Theology and all those years spent studying in Catholic schools has taught me that God created people in his own image and likeness. I was also taught that service to man, is a service to God as well. Whatever we do, how ever we treat a fellow human being goes back to a Supreme Being. Why then are there people who have so much faith in God and yet so little, almost non existent faith in people? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of how we were created in the first place?

Snapshots

I am once again in that stage that so many thoughts occupy my mind but I can't seem to find the time to put them into words and can be classified as a sensible entry. So in lieu of such, I invite you to take a look at my sister Camille's photoblog. Right now, she is a frustrated photographer, saving up for a really good camera with Papa's help which he offered after seeing her photographs. On top of that, being a student on the verge of graduating. =) Just a sneek peak, here are photos of hers, posted with permission of course.