The countdown begins...

Today marks the start of the countdown to my reaching the big 3-0! I am not sure yet what to feel about it. One day I am dreading it, the next day I am fine with it. After all what is age, its just a number anyway. Plus, I think I already have enough external pressures to deal with in this lifetime to put the very same thing on myself. But still it doesn't take away that feeling of self-doubt if I have done something significant in my life. Much as I brush it aside, it somehow finds its way to creep into my consciousness.

A few days ago, my cousin asked me what my plan was. I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. A question from a 19 year old left me speechless. Then as I was able to absorb her questions, I asked myself the same question. What is my plan or do I even have one? I am not one of those people who set timelines on one's self. I felt that all my life I have done just that - move in the time set by other people. By 7, you are in school. By 12 you are done with grade school. By 16, you are out of high school and by 21 you should be done with college. Even the classes I have to take in college followed some flowchart. After college, find a job and after that start a family, have children etc.

Don't get me wrong, I am not one who just walks through life with no clear destination. I do, but its not as specific and as detailed as some people. My plans are not set in stone nor in time. I figured I don't need that additional stress and pressure anymore. Living trough life day by day is already enough. Plus, I prefer to enjoy my journey rather than just be focused on reaching my destination. Besides, there is no such thing as an iron-clad plan. We may have set certain timelines upon our life but life can be cruel and mischievous sometimes. Even the most planned life will hit a snag along the way and when that happens, it puts us into this roller-coaster ride that we don't know how to get out of. This is what happened to Abby in the movie "Don't Give Up On Us". She had her whole life planned out with set times and yet life had other plans for her. She is made to question if the life that she has set for herself is really what is destined to be hers or something else.

This is the kind of situation that I am avoiding. I prefer to not have set expectations and set timelines because it means not having pressure and not having disappointments and frustrations when it doesn't turn out the way I have planned it. But, my cousin's question made me think if I am doing the right thing, of just walking through it. And this message on a billboard I saw over the weekend added to it. The message said: "A goal is a dream with a deadline!" I turned to myself and wondered where am I with regard to my goals?

Actually, my cousin's question was more about relationships than career wise. I am constantly besieged by questions of when I am getting married. Among cousins, there are four of us born in the same year. I am the only girl and come September I am going to be the only unattached one. Oh well! If I had a dollar for every time I am asked that question, I could be a millionaire by now. I have learned a way to answer those questions...Not to answer it at all. I mean, if I knew the answer I would tell them but at this point in time, I don't. Sure, it would be nice to have that someone but I am not going to lose any sleep over it, nor stress over it. Am I worried? Not really. I have always maintained the thought that if its for me then its for me. Funny but the other side of the billboard said: "Instead of looking for the right person, be the right person!" And that is what I am going to do but I wonder... how will you know if you are the right person if you do not have that person to tell you and make you feel that you are?

If these kinds of questioning marked the official start of my countdown, I think I am in for a crazy, unpredictable journey into my 30's. I don't know if I am ready for it or if I am well equipped to weather through it but there is something about life that doesn't change in time, we just have to continue living it, plans or no plans, with and without timelines.

Baha na naman

First off I want to offer my prayers to those who died and those still missing in the landslide that happened in Southern Leyte. Isy sent me a text message to inform me that it was in the news that there was a landslide in Leyte. She didn't know exactly where and the news didn't mention it. I sent my dad a text message to ask but he wasn't privy to that information either. I thought it was the same one that I read from the Tacloban website. But I was wrong. This was a separate incident. It was breaking news in all the news programs but it just mentioned Leyte island but no specifics. Its tough because as a Leyteño I want to know what is going on but the news were just as vague as the mud that came down. Leyte is a large province and comprised of Leyte (Northern Leyte) and Southern Leyte. I can only speculate where it could have possibly happened but nothing definite until I came to the office and read the Philippine dailies online.

Living in the Eastern side of the Philippines, typhoons, continuous heavy rainfall and flooding are part of our daily lives. When one of my parents inform me that "baha na naman sa bahay" I don't know how to react anymore. Its such a regular occurrence that we just shrug and take it in stride. Not my parents though and for good reasons. From the time we moved into our house some 28 years ago I don't know how many times we have had to renovate our house. It was not so bad before but due to rapid development around us, a common case in any suburbia, it has gotten worse over the years. I have had my share of walking through flood to get to my aunt's house which is at the higher part in our street. Our house sits in what used to be a swamp but nothing that engineering couldn't deal with. But the fact is we are lower than the highway so when it rains, water goes down and accumulates in our side and with not much place to go since development occurred behind us, it stays infront of our house. There have been instances too that water came inside our house and we have had to stay at my aunt's house.

My dad along with my cousins have thought of ways of dealing with it. I don't know how many times we have had to raise our floor. A flood control drainage was built but it doesn't lessen our anxiety as soon as it starts raining again. My mother's blood pressure goes up and my dad who hasn't even recovered from the previous flooding has to deal with it again. Just last December just before Christmas, incessant rain once again came. Mama and Mana Mila had to scramble to make sure that the house will be ready when my siblings came home from Manila and my aunt and uncles arrive from the US. Then, just last week, it happened again. Four days of rain was just a bit too much. Good thing, Mama was in Manila at that time and was told to stay there until it was okay for her to come home. Her blood pressure might just shoot up again when she sees the house. Papa had to stay at a hotel for the time being.

Yet, despite the constant problems that we have to deal with, we cannot just pack up and leave. This is our home regardless. This is where all four of us siblings grew up. Each and every nook and corner of it holds a memory or two. Mama out of frustration told my sister that she just wants to sell our house and rent somewhere since its just her and Papa anyway. I didn't want to hear any of it. I mean, my parents spent all of their lives making sure we have a roof above our heads only for them not to be able to enjoy it now. My parents sacrificed a great deal for us to have that house and as long as there is still a way, that house is going to stay with us. The flooding may be troublesome but thinking of all the good memories we have had in that house somehow ease all the trouble. Despite of everything, I love our house and I am sure my siblings share that feeling. I once joked to Mama that I know that my brother, being the only boy would get the house. Of course, she denied that, told me it belongs to all four of us. I am not naive to how our society works so I know that there is a possibility that it will go to my brother but I added that if he doesn't take good care of it, I am going to take it back. Knowing my brother, I am definite that he will make sure that it will belong to all of us and if it does go to him, he will take good care of it.

This is the only house my siblings and I know. We have seen it grow as we did. A lot of people have said that once they step into our house they sense a "welcoming feeling" and that is such a nice thing to hear. We all have had our share of parties and sleepovers here. Our friends love to hang out at our house and our parents like having them too. But more than that, we as a family have made really amazing memories in this house that we have come to treasure for as long as we live. We have meals and family meetings in the same dining set that Papa designed. We have all sat at our porch and enjoyed talking and teasing each other all night or just staring at the night sky. We have all sat infront of the tv watching one show. All four siblings have had to jump over our fence when we would come home without our house keys. No matter how old and grown-up we have become, we still sleep in the floor of our parents room, all squished but happy. I do not know of a corner in our house that we don't have a story to tell. For an outsider looking in, it may just be a house but to us, it is our home and "baha" or "no baha" it is going to remain that way.

What if there is a "perfect man"?

When Jennie tagged me, it made me think back to that time in high school when my girl friends and I with nothing to do came up with what we thought and felt would be the "perfect man". The characteristics of a man that we were throwing were not from actors but from people we knew so well...Our very own guy friends and the guys in our class. Too bad not one of us wrote it down. It would have been a fun thing to read now after so many years. We could have discovered if our perception of the "perfect man" has changed or not over the years.

There was an episode of Friends wherein Ross made a list of what Rachel was. Some time ago, I too had a list almost similar to this. In it, I wrote what to me was "attractive, not attractive, negotiable and bonus points" in a guy. Yup, I can be a bit neurotic sometimes or maybe I was just bored that day. I can't seem to find that list now. It is probably in between one of my books somewhere. I actually do not mind that I can't find it or that I don't even remember what I wrote in there because I realized over the years that it is unfair of me to base a guy on whether he fits my list or not. I am boxing them in a position that they are totally unaware of. When I meet that guy that I will click with, he will just seem to fit the list somehow. The list would just be inconsequential. Plus, I think there is no such thing as a perfect person as Clare said "it's the imperfections that often make people more interesting". I believe that. The imperfections are actually what makes them perfect if it makes any sense.

However, for the purpose of this "meme", here are 8 different points of my "perfect" partner.

The rules are:

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect partner. (I decided not to tag anyone. Whoever is interested in doing this can do so.)

2. Need to mention the sex/gender of the target.

3. If tagged a 2nd time, there's no need to post again.

The sex of the target: Male

1. He has to be respectful. Of himself, of me, of the things and people that are important to the two of us. No two people are alike. We all have our differences and I think that's what make us unique people, what makes us individuals. We just have to accept and respect our respective differences. My parents are so different in so many ways. They have looked at the same thing with different eyes and yet they both accept that and respect each other. Just cause the other person doesn't see it our way, it doesn't make it invalid. Just respect and accept it and never undermine it. Respect my individuality don't be threatened by it. Respect me not because I am a woman but because I am a person, a human being much like you are, an equal. I believe that a relationship is a partnership not a corporation.

2. He must be able to carry a good conversation. Both sides of my family CAN talk and its very important that he is not going to get lost in the mix. We can even talk about the most mundane things. A lot of really great conversations start from those. I want someone with whom I can talk about anything and everything under the sun. We can even talk about the same things and yet still seems like its the first time we ever talked about it. Someone who I wouldn't mind being trapped in an island with because I know I wouldn't die of boredom. Someone that I can talk for hours with and does not seem like we have.

3. He must be secured. Secured in his own self that nothing fazes him. Comfortable in his own skin. Secured in his masculinity that showing emotions is not a sign of weakness but of strength and humanity. I think that possessiveness and jealousy stem from insecurity. When he is secured, he knows who he is, what he is, does not really care what other people say and yet still able to get along with others. The type na puwedeng mong iwan in a party or with a group of people and he would know what to do.

4. He must have a good sense of humor. Be sarcastic even as long as it's not cruel or rude. He must know how to laugh at himself. Someone "pikon" wont work with me nor with my family. Both sides of my family have the craziest sense of humor and he should be able to deal with that. Yung marunong sumakay. He must also know how to have fun and find bliss even if we are doing nothing.

5. One who is passionate of his beliefs, of life, of what he does, of what is important to him, of every aspect of his life that when he talks about these you feel enveloped in that energy and excitement that you feel like finding your own passion as well.

6. One who would be my personal cheering squad and vice versa. One who would lift me up when I need one and I would do the same thing. One who would have faith in me when everyone else even my own self have lost it. One who when things are tough would comfort me and assure me that things have a way of working out. He may not be sure of it but at least he tried.

7. He must have a sense of family and friends. I am really close to my family. Sure, there are days that they can be crazy that I feel like pulling all my hair out but the fact still remains that they are family and they will always have my back no matter what. Same with friends. I have had the same friends since I was in first grade. They have been with me through the good and the bad times. He need not be all chummy with my friends but at least be civil and accept that they are part of my life no matter what.

8. One who would accept me for who I am and it is a guarantee I will do the same to you. He is able to see the person beyond the facade. I have my moments of "craziness" and he is able to live with that and accept that. He need not defend me when people think otherwise, just knowing that he is fine with it is enough for me. I am not "perfect" myself. He must be able to accept that and does not attempt to change me into his "idea" of who I must be.

I know that it is only asking for 8 but I want to add one more. It would be great if he knows how to cook. I think there is nothing more sexy and perfect than a guy in an apron and treats his kitchen as if it's his own kingdom. The saying "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach" does not only apply to guys.

Event Planning, cute niece & hollow feelings

I was on major "Type A" personality mode over the weekend planning for my grandmother's 85th birthday in August. This should have been started right after she celebrated her birthday last year but knowing my relatives they like to torture themselves by doing things at the last minute. Aside from doing things at the last minute, no one seems to be thinking about it and with the drama going on I sort of expected that. So I took it upon myself to start something. I told my older cousin about my idea and he agreed with me. Plus, I thought if it's us, cousins at the helm of it, di mag-iinarte ang mga kamag-anak ko. If I had the financial capability I would not ask for help but sadly I do not so we have to discuss it with my aunts and uncles. I am just glad that my cousin and I are on the same page on how we are going to go about it so it does not feel so overwhelming. Nakaka-inis lang because some of my relatives have been verbally told that we will take care of it but no, some still went behind our backs to look at places without notifying me or Kuya first. I appreciate the help but run it by me or by Kuya first before doing anything. If that wasn't enough, she made a comment that we have to be on it (as if we are not!) and that we don't have much time (we are VERY aware of it!).

My entire Saturday was spent calling possible venues for availability and for their menus. We have narrowed it to 2 places with 2 different dates but still in August. Now we just have to make a decision based on the menus and the budget of course. I made a summary of each venue from the menu choices to the taxes to the additional charges to payment policy. I read every fine print there was to make sure I have everything covered. Mahirap na ang maisahan! I just have to present all these to my aunts and uncles for final decision and it should be a go. But knowing my relatives' personalities, some of them would make it hard for us especially if its not convenient for them. We have anticipated that and we have contingent plans in place. If all else fail, Bahala sila sa buhay nila!

My niece, Angela Denise or as we call her "Ali Baba" is the cutest baby ever! She is only 14 months and she is so smart. She eats solid foods now and is always happy. She is low maintenance too. She is the youngest in the family right now so everyone's attention is on her with good reasons. She was so hyper last night that I was getting tired looking at her. But her showing me that smile I was not too tired anymore. Looking at her, I feel my maternal instincts kicking in. Sure, I am at the age already to have a child but I am not sure if I have the emotional, spiritual and financial capability to be responsible for another human being. Add to that, I think I would need another person to be able to bring a child into this world and he is nowhere at this point in time. So I guess "my own" Ali Baba would just have to wait.

I have been hearing about "hollow feeling" this past week from a friend but I do not fully grasp what it really means. Sure, I may have an idea what it must be like but I don't think I really know how it feels like until these past few days. My youngest sister had to be admitted to the hospital because her platelets were scaringly low even for an adult. She had to be monitored that's why she had to be admitted. I felt sick when I found out that Camille was going to be hospitalized. It is just her and my brother in Manila. Bless my brother for knowing what to do. My parents were in Cebu watching The Lettermen concert on Monday and stayed for the night. They took the Super Cat from Cebu to Ormoc early morning Tuesday. They were met in Ormoc by our car to go home to Tacloban and that afternoon flew to Manila to be with my brother and sister. They spent the entire Tuesday traveling by all the means: sea, land and air. Good thing, my brother was there to look after my sister before our parents got there. These whole time Papa was keeping my sister and I updated through text messages. The suspicion was dengue fever but gladly it was ruled out. She had systemic viral infection. I would not be surprised that her body is shutting down on her since she hardly eats and sometimes would go to school with no sleep. She was soon discharged when her platelets went back to normal but now she had to be brought back to her doctor since she would vomit each time she would eat. I do not know yet what the results are. I just hope its nothing more than a really good rest would heal.