First Born
I am the eldest of four (3 girls, 1 boy). I have been told that I take my birth order seriously. I agree to some degree I do. My friends have told me that I am the "perfect 'Ate' ". Whatever that means. I will admit, I was never one to give my parents a headache. In fact, I tried to hide whatever sadness or heartaches I may have felt because I figured my parents need not be bothered by it. They already have enough worries to think about I don't need to add to it. It wasn't anything big anyway, just trivial things especially during the teen years. I've never been one to rebel because nothing good is going to come out of it. There were times though that I felt like it especially when I get reprimanded for something they did and yet when I did something against my parents wishes, I get reprimanded alone. Being the eldest, I carried the burden of making sure that I lead by example. I made sure that I did well in school, I followed house rules and as much as possible give them as little a problem as possible. There were times that I wanted to give up but I couldn't... wouldn't. It was tough but I endured it all because not only I had to but I wanted to.
Some of my actions and decisions have not been favorable to some of my siblings, especially my sister who came after me. In birth order, the 2nd eldest does carry the burden as well of either shadowing the older sibling or competing and going the other way. I think my sister is doing latter. I feel sometimes that I am partly to blame why she is acting out. I feel that she resents me so much, although I don't know why or if she even should. When she would have her way, no way did I feel that I should be given the same privilege but it does not seem that way with me. I don't like competing with her. I have never been good with competing with other people which has been an issue with my dad before. I competed with myself because I want to be better than what I am during that particular time. For me competing with others means that I want to be better than others. I did not want that. I have always tried to be fair to her no matter how much she makes it difficult for me. Apparently it seems that no matter how much I try, it is not enough.
I have made some life decisions that in some ways were kind of unfair to me but I didn't wallow in it. When I was in college, I made a conscious decision not to be in a relationship because I felt that it was just going to be a distraction from my studies. In my mind I thought, 'there was no way I was going to fail or be sidetracked". I realized that I was going to be the first one to "swim in this vast ocean called life" and I felt that if I drown, my siblings will drown with me. It was a tough road but I persisted because I felt this was expected of me. My parents never forced me to make that decision, I made that decision myself and I don't resent it one bit. I am not going to penalize my siblings just because I made a decision then which may have changed the course of my life. I made the decision and I am taking responsibility for it. If along the way, it turned out to be a not so favorable decision then it is one lesson learned but I am not going to put the blame on my siblings.
Being the eldest, I feel that we are put in a position wherein we want to be dutiful children to our parents at the same time allowing our siblings to be their own persons. But the conflict lies when what the siblings perceive as "coming of their own" is hurtful and disrespectful to our parents. Where then do I put myself? I did not want to tattle on my siblings and yet I did not want to lie to my parents either. I was caught between a rock and a wall. I don't think the younger siblings know and realize how much of a burden we carry with being an eldest. I do not resent being one but there were times that I wished I wasn't one.
I hope my siblings would cut me some slack on why I am the way I am. I do not expect them to build a statue in my honor or shower me with accolades. All I want is a little consideration, respect and maybe empathy. I did not ask to be born first, but I am dealing with it the best that I can. I am taking on my role the best that I can based on what I know. There is no handbook out there to guide me and I am learning as I go along. If I made mistakes call my attention but do not turn cold on me and treat me like I am the biggest villain in their lives. I wish that they can have a day in my shoes and see how it feels like. Then they can tell me if I have the best of everything.
I am the eldest of four (3 girls, 1 boy). I have been told that I take my birth order seriously. I agree to some degree I do. My friends have told me that I am the "perfect 'Ate' ". Whatever that means. I will admit, I was never one to give my parents a headache. In fact, I tried to hide whatever sadness or heartaches I may have felt because I figured my parents need not be bothered by it. They already have enough worries to think about I don't need to add to it. It wasn't anything big anyway, just trivial things especially during the teen years. I've never been one to rebel because nothing good is going to come out of it. There were times though that I felt like it especially when I get reprimanded for something they did and yet when I did something against my parents wishes, I get reprimanded alone. Being the eldest, I carried the burden of making sure that I lead by example. I made sure that I did well in school, I followed house rules and as much as possible give them as little a problem as possible. There were times that I wanted to give up but I couldn't... wouldn't. It was tough but I endured it all because not only I had to but I wanted to.
Some of my actions and decisions have not been favorable to some of my siblings, especially my sister who came after me. In birth order, the 2nd eldest does carry the burden as well of either shadowing the older sibling or competing and going the other way. I think my sister is doing latter. I feel sometimes that I am partly to blame why she is acting out. I feel that she resents me so much, although I don't know why or if she even should. When she would have her way, no way did I feel that I should be given the same privilege but it does not seem that way with me. I don't like competing with her. I have never been good with competing with other people which has been an issue with my dad before. I competed with myself because I want to be better than what I am during that particular time. For me competing with others means that I want to be better than others. I did not want that. I have always tried to be fair to her no matter how much she makes it difficult for me. Apparently it seems that no matter how much I try, it is not enough.
I have made some life decisions that in some ways were kind of unfair to me but I didn't wallow in it. When I was in college, I made a conscious decision not to be in a relationship because I felt that it was just going to be a distraction from my studies. In my mind I thought, 'there was no way I was going to fail or be sidetracked". I realized that I was going to be the first one to "swim in this vast ocean called life" and I felt that if I drown, my siblings will drown with me. It was a tough road but I persisted because I felt this was expected of me. My parents never forced me to make that decision, I made that decision myself and I don't resent it one bit. I am not going to penalize my siblings just because I made a decision then which may have changed the course of my life. I made the decision and I am taking responsibility for it. If along the way, it turned out to be a not so favorable decision then it is one lesson learned but I am not going to put the blame on my siblings.
Being the eldest, I feel that we are put in a position wherein we want to be dutiful children to our parents at the same time allowing our siblings to be their own persons. But the conflict lies when what the siblings perceive as "coming of their own" is hurtful and disrespectful to our parents. Where then do I put myself? I did not want to tattle on my siblings and yet I did not want to lie to my parents either. I was caught between a rock and a wall. I don't think the younger siblings know and realize how much of a burden we carry with being an eldest. I do not resent being one but there were times that I wished I wasn't one.
I hope my siblings would cut me some slack on why I am the way I am. I do not expect them to build a statue in my honor or shower me with accolades. All I want is a little consideration, respect and maybe empathy. I did not ask to be born first, but I am dealing with it the best that I can. I am taking on my role the best that I can based on what I know. There is no handbook out there to guide me and I am learning as I go along. If I made mistakes call my attention but do not turn cold on me and treat me like I am the biggest villain in their lives. I wish that they can have a day in my shoes and see how it feels like. Then they can tell me if I have the best of everything.
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