Post Valentines Rant

Been In Love?

Have I been in love? I have been asked this question countless times and most often than not I have no definitive answer to give. At first it was because I was avoiding the follow-up question of "who is it?" The other times, I just chose not to say anything because I don't know myself if I have been in love.

What is being in love mean? What are the signs and symptoms of being in love? Sure, I have been told before that I am but when I ask if how they can tell, answers have never been more vague. Looking back, I think and feel that I have been in love. Maybe during those times I didn't say anything because of the dreaded follow up question or just plain and simple it is not something that I have to announce to the entire world. Its something that I would rather keep to myself I guess.

The guy is someone I have known for a long time. At times, maybe too long, but I didn't look at it as a problem. I don't think we were even in an exclusive relationship. I guess it was one of those "mutual understanding" kinds, juvenile as it may sound. Still, he served as an inspiration when I needed one. At times, he was a convenient excuse to drive away suitors who I didn't want to give a time of day to, always worked like a charm. However, maybe it wasn't much of a good thing too because it some cases, it may have driven away prospective suitors who may have what it takes to grab my attention. I guess during those times, my whole consciousness was filled by the thoughts of one guy in particular so I didn't bother with the other when I should have. Now I wonder if he was even worth it all these times.

Don't get me wrong he is a nice guy. We still talk once in awhile. From time to time, I get an email or a text or if I am lucky a phone call. But it has never been consistent. He lives in the opposite end to where I am so in some ways, it is a long distance thing. He does have plans of moving to California in the near future but I am not sure if I fit anywhere in those plans. He does ask how far I am from I guess places that he is considering. One of them is really close but I do not know how convinced he is to move to that place. That is if it means anything. I do not know. Actually at this point, I couldn't care anymore but it sure would be nice if it turns out for the best for us but I am not holding my breath.

Intertwined Lives

How is it possible that you have your own life and so do I and yet our lives are still intertwined? We have been in this game for so long when is this going to end? I know in my heart that waiting for nothing is insane. But I am not waiting for nothing but then again I may be waiting for something as well. I guess I had resigned to the fact that our paths may cross frequently yet will not meet at one point at the same time. I have no illusions or delusions of having a romantic relationship with you. Our friends may not understand or believe it but I do feel that way. How long I am going to feel like this? I have no idea. All I know right now is that I have confined myself into being your friend. I just hope you have as well. Our friends have trouble believing whatever I say. I think they are looking for concrete proof that I have indeed moved on with my life. The only concrete proof that they can think of is for me to be with someone. I think that is a rather dumb move to make. I have no plans of being with somebody just to prove that I am over you…that I have better things to do. That is not fair to the other person and it is not fair for me either. Who knows in time I will meet that person and you will be resigned to a place of oblivion. Though I doubt that! You have been an integral part of my life I don’t think being involved with other people is going to change that. Well at least I can hope it won’t. But who knows what the future will bring. I think a pretty secure individual would be needed to be able to fully understand, grasp and accept the whole situation that we may have separate paths but we will still find a way to cross each other at some points in our lives.