"I will jump with you!"

I was reading through my file of my journal entries when I chanced upon this entry written almost 2 years ago. I did not realize that where I am now, what I think now, what I feel now..I already thought of before, I just didn't realize it I guess. Some weeks back, my curious young cousins asked me why I wasn't married yet. I told them that back then I didn't know what I want and I felt I needed to find myself, get to know myself before I let someone in. Then another cousin asked if I know it now. Before I could realize it, I said YES. That answer got me thinking. Do I really? Am I ready? I mean, my life isn't as "settled" if that is the right word as I would want it to be. But, will it ever be settled? Does it have to be settled first before I can do other things? Someone told me before to just take a leap of faith, to just jump right into life rather than regret not doing it all. This may be a "huh" moment for some, but two days ago I was conversing with someone about skydiving and I was invited to try it. I said "I will ride a plane but not jump out of it". The reply is the title of this post. Some may take it literally, some may take it philosophically. I am looking at it now metaphorically. Maybe I am ready now to tell someone.."I will jump with you!" Maybe I do not need to jump by myself anymore. Maybe I do not have to jump by myself. That maybe someone is willing to take a risk with me. Maybe it is telling me that I can put my trust on someone. Or maybe I am just over-rationalizing things, misinterpreting things that really do not mean much. I do not know!

excerpt:
August 13, 2003

I think that whatever happened 3 years ago had to happen. Things indeed happen for a reason. I guess if we insisted on things then we would have ended up hurting ourselves and each other. I am not saying that this time will be “perfect”. There is no guarantee in life that things will always happen the way we would want it to be. Sometimes, we wonder why things didn’t happen, as we would want it or the way that we have planned it. Little did we know that the reason why it didn’t happen then is because we need time to mature, to grow up, to take time to really know if this is meant to be ours in the first place. Certain things happen when we least expect it; at times too, they happen when we most need it. Andrew Firestone was right; it’s all about timing. No matter how we feel that the emotion and person is right but if it happened at a point in our life when we are not ready for it, the emotion and the person becomes wrong. Is now the right timing? I really don’t know! I will know when I get there. I don’t even know if I am ready to be in a relationship. Part of me feels that I am but the other part is unsure. I am not dreading it but I am not going to lose breath over it either. I am not going to lose my mind over it. I will just let nature take its course I guess. I will not even force the issue. I will just let things happen if they are meant to happen. The thing is I feel that I am more mature, more prepared to be in a relationship than before. I know myself now that I will be smart about it. I am better prepared to face the pain and the sorrow as well as welcome the happiness that comes with it. I am more realistic in my approach to relationship and have realistic expectations and goals rather than spend all my energy trying to prove something to others as well as to myself.