Hmmm...

My sister Camille is 9 years younger than I am but for some reasons she thinks she can give me advice on my lovelife or lack thereof. She said that my lovelife is starting to get tiresome and bothersome. WHAT?? In some aspects, she is right. It has become a saga of some sorts. The thing is I do not even know if I must continue living in this saga. I am trying to assess things on how they came to this point - years of "maybes" and "what ifs". Some years ago he was my convenient excuse, that I will admit. Maybe because I was too chicken to really reject anyone that I wasn't remotely attracted to. I am afraid of karma that's why. It seems that he was the most plausible excuse I could think of especially when I encountered guys who just doesn't seem to get it. Or maybe it was wishful thinking on my part at that time. Him, being my excuse worked the first time and before I knew it, I have come to use it often. Now I cant seem to break free from it no matter how much I want to. Or do I really want to? Yup, I am one confusing piece of creature. LOL If my sister is tired with it, what about me. I am the one in the middle of all these but it seems to be "easier said than done" to break free from it. Why is that? I don't think I am making any sense with this post but my thoughts are just so muddy right now. For the meantime, I wrote this sometime ago...

My Convenient Excuse

I have used you again as my convenient excuse to discourage would-be suitors. I don't know how many times I have done that, countless time perhaps. All of them you don't know and I have no plans of letting you know. It's not something I am proud of but it has been a comfort to know that I could use that to be able to drive away some people other than you. My reasons? My own selfish reasons that I have someone that I know so well that it comes out so convincingly that there is something more than just friendship between us. My own wishful thinking too that it is possible that we can be more than friends. Pathetic, yes I know!

I don't know if its because we sort of have a history together that its easy for me to just say out the circumstances surrounding your supposed role in my life. I don't have to struggle to come up with some lame excuse, you alone are enough and it has worked so many times. I guess its true what they said " if isn't broken, don't fix it!" But until when will you be my convenient excuse?

Right now, these lines from the song "Last Love Song" of 17:28 & Heart keep on resonating in my brain as well:

Am I trying too hard to keep this love alive

You don't seem to care about this love that we have

I called you last night but you were not there

I didn't hear from you at all today

CHORUS

I can't play this game

I'm just wasting my time

You leave me with no other choice

But to say goodbye

I want to work things out

But what's the point of it if

I have to be in love alone

It's not worth it anymore

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But tears are falling down from my eyes

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

I thought we shared a life that's full of love

But now I realize we shared an empty home

I will cry my last cry before I say bye, bye

I will sing my last love song for you tonight

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But did my best to make things right

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried