Today marks the start of the countdown to my reaching the big 3-0! I am not sure yet what to feel about it. One day I am dreading it, the next day I am fine with it. After all what is age, its just a number anyway. Plus, I think I already have enough external pressures to deal with in this lifetime to put the very same thing on myself. But still it doesn't take away that feeling of self-doubt if I have done something significant in my life. Much as I brush it aside, it somehow finds its way to creep into my consciousness.
A few days ago, my cousin asked me what my plan was. I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. A question from a 19 year old left me speechless. Then as I was able to absorb her questions, I asked myself the same question. What is my plan or do I even have one? I am not one of those people who set timelines on one's self. I felt that all my life I have done just that - move in the time set by other people. By 7, you are in school. By 12 you are done with grade school. By 16, you are out of high school and by 21 you should be done with college. Even the classes I have to take in college followed some flowchart. After college, find a job and after that start a family, have children etc.
Don't get me wrong, I am not one who just walks through life with no clear destination. I do, but its not as specific and as detailed as some people. My plans are not set in stone nor in time. I figured I don't need that additional stress and pressure anymore. Living trough life day by day is already enough. Plus, I prefer to enjoy my journey rather than just be focused on reaching my destination. Besides, there is no such thing as an iron-clad plan. We may have set certain timelines upon our life but life can be cruel and mischievous sometimes. Even the most planned life will hit a snag along the way and when that happens, it puts us into this roller-coaster ride that we don't know how to get out of. This is what happened to Abby in the movie "Don't Give Up On Us". She had her whole life planned out with set times and yet life had other plans for her. She is made to question if the life that she has set for herself is really what is destined to be hers or something else.
This is the kind of situation that I am avoiding. I prefer to not have set expectations and set timelines because it means not having pressure and not having disappointments and frustrations when it doesn't turn out the way I have planned it. But, my cousin's question made me think if I am doing the right thing, of just walking through it. And this message on a billboard I saw over the weekend added to it. The message said: "A goal is a dream with a deadline!" I turned to myself and wondered where am I with regard to my goals?
Actually, my cousin's question was more about relationships than career wise. I am constantly besieged by questions of when I am getting married. Among cousins, there are four of us born in the same year. I am the only girl and come September I am going to be the only unattached one. Oh well! If I had a dollar for every time I am asked that question, I could be a millionaire by now. I have learned a way to answer those questions...Not to answer it at all. I mean, if I knew the answer I would tell them but at this point in time, I don't. Sure, it would be nice to have that someone but I am not going to lose any sleep over it, nor stress over it. Am I worried? Not really. I have always maintained the thought that if its for me then its for me. Funny but the other side of the billboard said: "Instead of looking for the right person, be the right person!" And that is what I am going to do but I wonder... how will you know if you are the right person if you do not have that person to tell you and make you feel that you are?
If these kinds of questioning marked the official start of my countdown, I think I am in for a crazy, unpredictable journey into my 30's. I don't know if I am ready for it or if I am well equipped to weather through it but there is something about life that doesn't change in time, we just have to continue living it, plans or no plans, with and without timelines.
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