Control

When I started writing this blog, this became my avenue where I can pour out all of my thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to say what I wanted to say. However, recently I have noticed that I have been holding back a little bit. I have filtered my own self. I guess it was my way to shield myself, to keep a part of me hidden. At first it was fine but as time passes, it has started to feel like a noose tightening around my neck. I am unable to breathe. I may have wanted to have some control over what certain people will know but I know that when I put myself out there, it meant letting go of that control. Its not saying I will be over the place but I will only concentrate on things I can control and not anymore on the things that I know try as I may I cannot ever control. Its actually freeing to have been able to just throw caution to the wind and not worry about other things.

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I know its tough for some of my relatives to not have anything to do with preparations for my Lola's birthday. I know its tough to just take a backseat to us cousins who in their mind are just a bunch of kids. Its hard letting go of that control over the details that they have always had until now. To a stranger looking in, it may seem like my cousins and I are not on the same page. But we are. We have been for a long time. We have our own little group going on where things are discussed and decided upon pretty much openly and democratically. This is how we get things done. Its our own little world. I think this is why now that we are pretty much in homestretch to the party, everyone it seems are coming out of whatever cave or rock they came from and are making their presence felt. I am fine with some because I know "ayaw nila mapahiya" like as if my cousins and I are going to allow that. But with some, I am very adamant in controlling some things because I know, I can already see the repercussions and frankly its not a pretty picture. In these instances that I still have full control I will use it. This is not something that is out of my hands, this is something that I know if I stick with it would be more beneficial for everyone involved. I also do not like the fact that my cousins and I will be stripped off of the credit that is due us. This is not about being recognized. We don't need to be. We are not doing this because we are going to gain something but we are doing so out of our love and respect for her. I don't know if I can say the same for some other people out there. There is one person who is the LAST person I want to be visible and for her to call me that supposedly she is being asked to be the host is just upsetting. Ano yun kami ang nagtanim at naghirap tapos siya ang aani? She is in the dark because not only is it the way I want it to be but because it is what it is supposed to be. This is must be a happy event even if some needs to check their egos at the door and for her to be front and center is just going to upset the majority and make my cousins and I look bad. NO WAY!! Even if supposedly she was asked by Lola to be the host, (which I doubt is what really happened) I think since I was at the helm from the beginning, it should be my call on who I will put as host. I have to sit down with Lola about this. The initial plan was for the cousins to be the one who will plan everything with the assistance of the aunts and uncles. On the day itself, they will just come as guests. I don't know what part of "guests" that some people don't get that they are trying to interfere now. If I sound like I am bit harsh, I have to be, I need to be. This party is for Lola and no one else and if making sure that it will be a happy event entails hurting some egos along the way so be it. I am sure my cousins share the same sentiments.