Why?

We are not blood relatives but you are the older brother that I didn't have. People were teasing me that I wasn't the "suhag" (eldest) anymore but it was already you. I actually didn't mind. I don't know how or when you came into our lives but I just remember you being there since I was young. When Papa and Mama had to leave us for business, we were always left under your care. You kept us company, picked us up from school, treated us to dinners, shared jokes that never failed to make us laugh. We were not really relatives and yet our whole family was part of your wedding. Your children have been like our niece and nephews. Mama looks after your four children as if they were her own grandchildren. There were times of late that Papa and Mama didn't approve of the choices you made but their affection for you has never wavered. As Papa said you have always been good to his children, us, the four of us. For that alone, we could never abandon you.

But why? Why did you abandon us? Why did you leave us in such a manner? When I first heard about it, I couldn't believe it. I chose not to believe it because I thought you were better than this. But Papa confirmed it and I still could not believe it. I was too numb to really know what to feel about it. Details are still a blur until now. After all it has only been a few days. Part of me wants to know how you ended it but part of me doesn't want to because by then it will really be real for me. I wish I can understand why but unless you left us with something, with anything, I don't think we will ever know. Things have not been good in your life of late that much I know. But I didn't think that it was too much for you to end it this way, even contemplate it. You have four reasons, four good and wonderful reasons to turn your life around but I guess even that was either too much or not enough. I don't know which one.

I really do not know what I feel right at this very moment. Should I be mad that you were so selfish to just think about yourself? Should I be disappointed that you didn't even bother to reach out to someone, anyone when you felt that life was caving in on you? Should I feel regret that it seemed no one was there when you needed someone that most? Could I have been that someone? Should I feel sad that you wont be there to buy me the lechon that you promised to give me when I go home? I am not sad about the lechon, but I am because of the promise you made to me. Should I be happy that at least now you will be rid of whatever it was that was bothering you so much. Whatever it was that was burdening you so much that you couldn't take it anymore. Should I be happy that you may have found the peace? The peace that may have been elusive and unattainable.

I am sad for your children that even though you may not have been the most perfect and present parent but I know that you love your children more than anything in this world. I am sad for your family because you have left this big hole in their hearts. I am sad for your friends who will never hear your jokes and have the blessing of being in your company. I am sad for my family because you are a big loss in our lives. I am sad for my siblings and myself because we don't have a "magurang" (older brother) anymore. I am sad for me because I didn't get to tease you and be teased by you even for the last time. I am sad for this world because despite of what people say it cannot be denied that we have lost such a wonderful and caring person in you.

I haven't cried since Saturday but I am crying now. Rest in peace, Mano Lito! Rest in peace.