Dilemma

Growing up, it never entered my consciousness that I would one day get a degree in Psychology. I didn't even know what psychology was about. As far as I know, my choices for possible career were: law, medical field, engineering or commerce. As a kid, this is all that I was exposed to. I wasn't particularly happy but then again, I wasn't really paying much attention to it either. Back in high school, going into culinary arts did enter my mind at the same time that going into journalism did. But my dad said that these were not exactly lucrative careers. I took what he said, I was just a kid, what did I know. I was a junior in high school when Papa was already started asking me questions about college: Where am I going to study? Where am I going to live? What course am I going to pick? I felt sad because it seemed like he was already trying to get rid of me. Get rid, in the sense that there was no argument in the fact that I would go to Manila for college.. away from the safe and secured environment of Tacloban that I was accustomed to. I knew it was going to be hard but I knew too well that it was an opportunity opened for me. Being the eldest, it was upon me to set a good example for my siblings. I was going to be the first one to swim in this vast ocean that is LIFE. I had to make good at it or else I did not only fail myself but I will fail them as well. That is one heavy load to carry on my shoulders but I took it.

Going back to Psychology..once it was established where I was going to apply, Papa chose my course options. I was not so sure yet what I wanted to be so I allowed him to. Behavioral Science & Business Management was my course when I entered DLSU. But after taking a General Psychology class and getting a really good grade, I knew that I needed to shift when I was already able to. Math isn't one of my strongest points so I decided to drop Business Management and shifted to Psychology and I never once regretted making that decision. It was the FIRST major decision I ever made in my life and for once my parents had nothing to do with it. I just told them after the fact. They couldn't say anything more, what else can they say. But I am sure they, particularly Papa wasn't so thrilled about it. In his mind, I will be around "puro lurong-lurong (crazy people). I couldn't blame him since he knew nothing about the possible careers in Psychology, so I passed on to him what I was learning. He heard them but I don't think he listened to them. I let it pass since I thought this is my career, I am the one going to school so I will deal with it. Four years later, I graduated with a degree in Psychology.

The thing is, I don't think up to now Papa has fully grasped the fact that I chose a path that he may not agree with or comfortable with. It broke my heart when he told my aunt that he was disappointed that I took up Psychology. He felt that it wouldn't bring me anywhere. I was already done with it, what more can I do. Looking back now, I think Psychology was presented to me for a reason. I have a better grasp of human behavior and thinking which paves the way for me to be more understanding and accepting of all the complexities that is human being. Sometimes, I get confused especially with dealing with Papa's attitude whether I am his child or a Psych grad who happens to be his child. I try to be really understanding of him, of where he is coming from but sometimes he makes it so difficult. Among my siblings, I can say that I can pretty much tell him what I think without crossing the line of being disrespectful. I have come to the age that he at least listens to what I have to say, or at least I think he does. But, it is still difficult. For one, we grew up during different times. Then there is the fact that Papa isn't necessarily the easiest person to live with. I have thought of so many times of telling him what we all (my siblings and Mama) think but I am scared to push his buttons. Don't get me wrong, Papa is probably the best dad there is but he needs some lessons in sensitivity sometimes. There are times that he makes us feel that only his feelings mattered and to hell with ours. He will say his piece because he feels being our father that is due him. I am already on the other side of the world and yet I am not totally free from it. I don't think I will ever be when I have Mama and my siblings even Papa making me aware of it. Plus, I really would want to know anyway since I am still a part of this family even when I am not physically there.

But sometimes, it is taking a toll on me. My siblings and I share the same sentiments and yet none of us wants to bring that to his attention. We all know too well that he is not going to take it lightly. My siblings have relegated to me, being the eldest to do it, but I don't know if I can. As a child, I want to but knowing all too well about personalities, I don't think it is in his personality to understand it the way that we mean it. He feels that my mom's siblings take advantage of my mom's kindness, this is usually the root of their disagreements. As a child, I know and understand where he is coming from. But as a Psych Grad, I want him to let it go and move on because it is hurting his relationship with Mama in these times that we are all out of the house and it's just the two of them. Plus these are past issues that needs to stay there. I know that he has Mama's welfare and well-being at heart but it can get really tiring when it is rehashed constantly. I understand that there is a precedence that is why Papa can't seem to let it go but it is not as if Mama isn't aware of. She just doesn't need to hear it often. I am not blind to this situation, none of us are, but to continue living with that over our heads isn't doing us much good. Maybe, Papa, being her husband feels that he has to stay his piece. I am fine with that but once in awhile should have been enough and not every chance he's got. Besides, what he is accusing Mama of, he is guilty of the same thing. Wasn't serving and doing something for the people of Leyte and yet not even being appreciated for it the same as Mama not being appreciated by her siblings? At least with Mama's siblings, she didn't spend all that money, only to be continually criticized and unappreciated.

As a child, I want to say that I get him, that I understand him, I may not agree but I accept his thoughts and feelings. But as a Psych grad, I feel that there are more underlying issues that may or may not have something to do with us, that he needs to deal with and not lash it out on us. As a child, I just want peace and harmony but as a Psych grad, I want him to deal with those issues so that they wont be a dark cloud hovering above us. The earlier he deals with them, the better. I want to be his child, to be an anchor and a shoulder to lean on the way that he is with us and yet I want to guide and help him and the rest of the family deal with whatever it is and accept it. Can I be a child and still be someone who can guide him and all of us out of this state? Can I be a child and empathize at the same time look at the situation objectively and find a way out of this situation when our sanity and our relationships still intact? Or I have to be one or the other? This is one topic that was not discussed in any of my classes.