In the past three days, I have been told of 2 "dates" or introduction if you would want to call it that. My uncle blurted it out on Wednesday when we went to his house to visit my grandma. I was barely starting to take my first bite when he said it. Lucky enough I didn't choke on my food. He just gave me the basics: Filipino, 40, a doctor. Then just now my cousin called me that she has someone to introduce to me. Once again, Filipino but I didn't get the age, lives out of state, coming home for Thanksgiving and the dad was the one who asked my cousin if she has female relatives. Two totally different persons but one thing in common: apparently their relatives would prefer them to be with a Filipina. Oookay! On both accounts, I said okay like I always do. It is a flat "okay". I do not think I can give more reaction than that because I find no reason to be overly enthusiastic about meeting anyone I know nothing about. I prefer not to know a lot, so I wont have any preconceived perceptions about the other person. Start with a "blank slate" in other words...tabula rasa. Plus, I prefer not to have expectations so that there is no pressure, no frustrations if the "meeting" would turn out to be a bust or the guy turns out to be a dud or I just don't see anything there. I will be cliche' here and say there is always room for a new friend. However, it seems my relatives have given them an overview of who I am..based on what my relatives think or see as me. They may be right but they may also be wrong. That remains to be seen.
Is there a marquee on my forehead that I don't know about that states "introduce me to someone"? I really don't mind but I don't like it when people makes me feel that its their obligation or duty to do it for me. Or worse if they make me feel that they have to because it doesn't seem like I am capable to doing it on my own or would do it on my own. I also don't mind if the intention is for me to meet new people or new friends but the thing is, it makes me feel as if they are hoping for something more, leaning towards the romantic side. I am sure that my "single" status baffles a lot of people but it doesn't bother me the least. My status is such a big surprise to them that they are making it their life's mission to change that. WHY????
My sister got me a shirt which states: "single by choice". This is true for now at least. I don't feel its such a tragedy but some people think it is. I want to bide my time even though as some people have pointed out "malapit na akong mawawala sa kalendaryo"! It is my choice to concentrate first on myself. I felt I have not taken full advantage of all the opportunities that are out there for me. I felt I haven't had "fun" in my life, to enjoy life on my own. All my life, I felt I have put everyone else before me: my parents, my siblings, relatives. Don't get me wrong I don't regret the choices that I made. I made those conscious decisions on my own and I felt at that point in time it was the best and right thing to do. Now with my siblings all grown-up, I feel its my time to do my own "growing up", to enjoy life, to experience everything that I have to experience yet: travel, enjoy time with family and friends, have fun, enjoy my life before I let someone in. Some may argue that having someone around shouldn't stop me from doing all these and more. But the thing is, I feel that it will. For a long time, I was always considerate of other people, putting them first. For the first time, I really do not have to do that. Sure I am still considerate of other people but not to the degree that I used to. At this point in my life, my time is mine, my weekends are mine. I do not have a lot of people whose feelings I have to consider. I do not have to let someone know what my plans are or who I am going with or where I am going. I just inform my relatives where I will be but its not as if they are going to stop me. Selfish as it sounds, I want to grab this time to grow and really get to know who I am before I let another person in. I was always a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a colleague, a co-worker but does anyone of them really know who Raissa the person is? I do not even know who that is yet, how could they?
Family members and friends even acquaintances think that they have a clear picture of who would be "perfect" for me. Do they really? I do not even know who would be "perfect" for me. What makes them think that they do? They can assume all they want, conclude even but the thing is usually they don't have a slight idea either. It is like a "hit and miss" thing but whose life are they tinkering with..MINE! Since it is my life, shouldn't I be allowed to tinker with it? I understand and appreciate everyone's concern. I am grateful for all of their efforts but I would really appreciate it more if they would wait for me to approach them rather than making that decision on their own. I know I am lucky to have family members and friends who just wants to see me happy but my happiness isn't solely dependent on another person making me happy. I also prefer not to bestow on someone the credit or the blame of bringing that "happiness" to me.
I am going to keep an open mind and meet these fellows but I am not promising anything. I just hope that if it turns out to be a bust they don't put the blame on me. After this, I hope it becomes clear that maybe its high time that things are better left alone. I hope they will let me do this on my own terms. I would really be happy if they would just leave me alone, figure my life out first and then start from there.
It is MY LIFE anyway!
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