PMS

I absolutely hate this time of the month when my hormones are going haywire! ARRRGGHHH!!! I know that PMS is an overused excuse to explain women's erratic behavior but try living a day in our shoes when its that time of the month. The irritating thing is, PMS varies sometimes each month and as I age. What used to be just pimples, abdominal pains, back pains and bad mood has now escalated to gastritis and worse migraines. Oh but the bad mood is still there and also add the mood swings. However, somehow, sometimes I think that the bad mood is not due to the hormones but it is related to the fact that we are not feeling so well that we tend to act cranky to mask the pain and the discomfort brought about by the sudden changes in our physical make-up.

Right now I have a massive headache that wont go away. Its like someone is pounding in my head. It makes me think of this drama I saw last night which pretty much sums up what I am feeling today although the meaning is totally different. The female character said that her head hurts like as if someone was building a house in her head. Like someone was pounding. It seem that that someone is going to stay for awhile in her head. Of course she was trying to be poetic about it when she actually meant was someone was occupying her mind, someone she cant stop thinking about. In my case, I hope whoever is making a house inside my head will run out of money and just leave! Or better I will just evict that person. Anything just for this headache to go away! Its annoying!!

Marriage

I just saw a clip of the new movie "Shall we dance?". Susan Sarandon's character asked why do people marry? Her companion answered it with the usual answers....Because of love, they want to spend the rest of their life with that someone etc..etc... Susan Sarandon said that "People get married to have a witness!" Her whole dialogue was longer that than but that line caught my attention. She continues to say that we want to let our significant other know that his or her life will not go unnoticed because the other will notice...Life will not go unwitnessed because the other will witness this.

I have no experience in such! As in zero, zip, a big fat 0! I have been a bridesmaid in a lot of weddings and I will be a one again in 2 weddings next year...A family friend is getting married January and a very dear, best friend is getting around April or May! (when nga ba?). On top of that I may attend another wedding come September for one of my cousins. Do I see myself getting married? Yes, actually! Is it going to happen for me? Only time will tell. I first have to have a boyfriend first before I start picking out a motif, the design of my dress, to what kind of a wedding I want to have down to the silverware and place settings!

Going back to that line! I found myself nodding in agreement. Although she did make it clear that marriage is not the only way to have a witness but we should all be witnesses to everyone's existence. It is not the same as living for other people! I guess what it is trying to say is that we, as human beings may admit it or not but we feel good when our very existence is validated by people that are close to us. We need some assurance that we are doing a great job living and breathing! We need some pat on the back that we are going in the right path and our life has some purpose. We need someone to share our sorrows and joys with!

Some people may overly romanticize marriage. But it is a known fact that it is not at all a bed of roses. To be sarcastic about it, it may be a bed of roses but the thorns have not been taken out! It is not all happiness and good times. It faces challenges, trials and obstacles. The thing is with marriage at least a person wont be going through it alone. It is a combined effort to weather through life with its ups and downs, highs and lows, through thick or thin! Those vows are not there for romance purposes but marriage does entail all that and if one is not amenable to any of it then maybe one has to think twice about getting married.

My parents have been married for 29 years now going 30! I know for a fact that it was not all good times. There have been bad times too and I guess either may have come to a point of giving up but they never did. I don't think it was a case of being together because of the children. I see the genuine love, care and affection that my parents have for each other. I think the best thing is my father sees my mother as an individual and not as an appendage. He sees her as Oyette, her own person, other than being his wife and the mother of his children. Mama sees Papa in the same way as well. Papa and Mama draw strength from each other. They find comfort in each other especially now that most of us children are out of the house. I know that my parents would wake up early, stay in bed and talk endlessly. Papa has to bring Mama to his business trips because he finds comfort in that. Plus, that he cant sleep alone. They have a mutual respect for each other's individuality, something that I count myself as lucky to having been able to witness that! Without knowing I have just totally related my parents marriage to Susan Sarandon's line. My parents marriage is not perfect nor is it ideal but it is something that I wish couples that I know would be blessed with including myself and my siblings when the time comes!

I Realized

Just my ramblings! This is what being stressed out does to me. Writing my thoughts is my release, my break from the monotony that plague my life!

- That I have a great sense of self-pride that I haven't seen myself depressed over something in my life that didn't go as I have hoped it would. I have never been one who puts herself down when things didn't go as planned. I take things in stride that things happen for a reason. I may not know the reason at that certain time but at some point in my life, it will all become clear to me and put things into perspective.

- That I have a very active imagination which helps a great deal in dealing with so many things good and bad that happen in my life.

- That my life is not perfect no matter how much I would want it to be. All I can do is to make it the best for me. Perfection, in my opinion, is just an illusion that people try to reach and chase and sometimes in the process they forget about the things that they encounter that turns out to be the most important things in life and the ones that they needed the most. They were just too busy running after things that are far from their reach.

- Wisdom definitely comes with age. As another year is added to my age, things become clear to me and I have a different perspective and outlook about life and I am a lot more mellow and tolerant of the things in my life that I have no control over.

- That I can only change the one I can and it's pointless striving to change the things that will never change no matter how much I try to do so. I just take things as they come and not seek for more than what is given to me.

- That a good fashion sense is not wearing the latest styles or the most expensive brands but its being comfortable in my own skin. I choose the ones that I feel comfortable wearing and carrying. I carry the clothes and not the other way around because if people let that happen, instead of being a fashion do, they become a fashion don't.

- That being thankful of the things that I have makes me see life differently.

- That I have so much when I focus on the things that I have and not on the things that I don't. It is the whole case of the "half-full, half-empty glass" theory, which I thought was crazy before.

- That I shouldn't fit a "list" to someone because that is the same as hoping for the impossible. Eventually that someone who I will care a lot for will find himself fitting to my "list" without me or him knowing it.

- That I don't want men to respect me because I am a woman. I want them to respect me because I am a fellow human being, my own person just like they are.

- That it was a good thing that I didn't have an escort when I had my debut, imagine having to see a picture of a person that I may not want to see in 5, 10 or more years from now.

- That it is indeed true that we would pattern ourselves from the people before us like our parents.

- That children reflect the kind of parents they have in the same way that parents reflect the kind of children that they have.

- That being a good parent is not only measured by how well you raised your children but how well they have grown up to be.

- The world is already crazy and full of negativity in itself, it is time to overlook the "bad" in people and magnify the "good" and this will be a better world to live in.

- That there is a big difference in "being confident" and "being cocky". Confidence includes knowledge and substance while cockiness is just plain talk and no substance at all and usually just a way to compensate for something lacking in one's life.

- That I don't want to change for anyone especially not for a guy, not in order to squire myself one or even to keep one.

A Sad Dose of Reality

OUCH!!!

That was my initial reaction when I watched The Oprah show today! They were discussing this new book on relationships called "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!" which was written by two people who used to write for the series "Sex in the City". I am definitely getting that book. Its on the top of my list of books to check out this weekend.

Basically what was discussed in the show? Well, Greg Behrendt, one of the authors. Yup, the book is co-authored by a guy which makes it an even bitter pill to swallow says that if a guy makes excuses of not being with you, it only means one thing..."He's just not that into you!". A couple of guys on the show actually collaborated this when they explained that they come up with excuses like..."I lost my phone!", "I am busy with work!", "I am not ready to be in a relationship!", "I think we should just be friends!" and others all mean one thing... That these guys are just not feeling what we women expect them to feel. Guys refuse to tell us the truth and would rather sugar-coat reality because they do not want to hurt the women's feelings. Considerate? Yes! Nice of him? Sure! But they are just feeding us lie after lie and here we are women we tend to make excuses for these guys and rational the whole behavior when it only means one thing...They are not into us the way that we want them to.

It was like a dagger and a sad dose of reality because I find myself in some of these women's stories. I found myself empathizing because God knows I have been in that situation or I might still be in that situation. There are the no communication for long periods of time and all of a sudden he makes his presence felt and its not even in the most personal way. I think the sad thing was and it was never emphasized enough in that show was we allow men to do these to us. As I was watching the show, I could only mutter expletives to myself because of the truth that it has let me see. It has opened my eyes to the sad reality that all these time I was just fooling myself. Damn!!! Its a tad too hard to fathom but its the truth, that from now on I have vowed not to do anymore. Screw it! Isn't it ironic though that my thoughts earlier were all about the possibilities and then BAM! I watch the show and it totally changed my perspective about the whole thing. I am not going to think about it anymore! I am not going to continue making excuses! I am going to stop coming up with explanations for his behavior! I am going to stop rationalizing the situation until my head hurts. My friends will probably tell me when they read this blog is..."We have been telling you that!" But crazy me, I didn't listen. I didn't heed their advice. I guess because I felt that as friends they will still love and care for me regardless of my decision but here hearing it from a total stranger just makes the situation so much different.

Okay....Got to get that book and start reading it!! I may even buy some more and give them to friends. Guys probably are thinking that their covers have been blown! Oh well...That's life!

Middle Child

There is no better definition of a middle child than my mom. She is the 8th child in the family of 15. Basically that means that there are 7 before her and 7 after her. I don't know much how my mom's childhood was like! I only have snippets of it! I guess it was a rather happy one but I am guessing that there are not so happy ones as well considering having to deal with all these personalities. My siblings and I always tease Mama that she is so "deadma", so NR (no reaction). Actually, I think its just her being level-headed and neutral about it being in the middle! When my siblings and I would have any disagreements, she will not vocally take sides. If there is any side she will take, its the right side. She listens to both sides of the story, or may be at times she tries to be. There are times that her judgment may be clouded by her parental concerns which is understandable but it doesn't take away the fact that she is not one who makes quick conclusions without knowing the facts.

With the turmoil going with her own siblings, I constantly find her in the middle of it all. Some may have attempted to bring her to their side but Mama will never do that. She has not done that before, I don't think she has plans of starting now. She listens to both sides of the story and draws her own conclusion from there. She will share her opinions and views but she is not to impose what needs to be done. She is not only fair but diplomatic as well. That is one trait among others of hers that I truly appreciate and regard highly. She stands in her ground. She will only do what is right and what is fair. People may see it differently but she has not been one to care. In some sense, maybe its her way to keep herself out of a situation that doesn't involve her in the first place. I think it is also a way that she has kept her sanity all these times. As her other siblings worry away about so many things that may or may not even affect them, she only deals with the one that will have a direct impact on her life. She has been taken advantage of a couple of times because of these but she never relented to change who she is in order to get her way. In essence, Mama was never a brat! I don't think she was one when she was a child, not even now with Papa, not even with is when she has all the reasons to be after all the great lengths she has done to make my our lives manageable.

There are so many things commendable and worth mentioning about Mama but as usual, my brain is working on a rapid speed that my hands are lagging behind. I will save some of those for later when my brain and dexterity will be in synch. I will leave one thing though which I think I have told Mama before that I will be happy if I can be half the woman she is!

Being set up on a date

I don’t like being set up on a date. I don’t know why. I haven’t even given it a try but I already don’t like it. I guess because there are just too many expectations and pressures for me to handle. Not only do I have to think about my date’s feelings but also that of who set it up. There are far too many people involved when the only ones who matters are the ones on the date. But in this situation, that is not the case because even before the date could even start, there are already the “good shots” as what I would call it. The spreading of the “good” points of the person before the ones involved can make that decision themselves. I prefer that if I do go on a date that my date and I start off on a clean slate. No preconceived notions about each other, no prior judgment and thus no prior expectations that may not be met leading to so much aggravation and frustration. Not only that, there is also the obligatory “after the date” story telling and in an effort not to sound like an ingrate, people tend to say what he or she thinks the other person would want to hear even though it is farther than the truth. And you hope it ends there but no, there is the question of whether I would want to see the person again. In some cases, I may not be back yet from that date and the second one is already being planned. And before you know it, by the end of the 2nd date, the engagement, wedding and everything else after that is being discussed.

I think it all boils down to control. I don’t like giving up control of my life. It is the only one I have somehow of a control over and relinquishing that control over to some people is just not my thing. I know that they have my best interests in mind but sometimes I think that there’s an ulterior motive because they can gloat as to being the responsible one when two people do get together and are happy. They will be saddened if things didn’t work out. Then again, he or she will also get the brunt when 2 people do come together and discovered later that they were just wrong for each other. I don’t like it when people make my business their business too. I feel like saying sometimes, “Get a grip people! Last time I checked, this is my life not yours!” I appreciate that they look after my well-being but there is a big difference in being helpful and being intrusive especially in situations that they are not needed. I am so glad that my parents have been pretty much hands off on these things. Even when they see that some of my siblings’ previous and current relationships are not exactly helpful, they still keep a distance because that how it’s supposed to be.

I guess what I want is that of a more “romantic” or idealistic” setting. One, of me finding him and him finding me. That the two of us decide on what we are going to do with our lives and not other people. One of which the two of us are responsible in finding that happiness in each other and not other people finding it for us. One of which we will be the only one responsible in the flourishing or the demise of the relationship. One, where the only thing that matters is what we feel towards each other and not other people to consider or to think about. I just think that down the road it is a better story to tell than anything else.

Remembering

My maternal grandfather died 3 years ago today! He was already in and out of the hospital pretty much the entire year of 2001. But on his last hospitalization, I was not able to visit him, not even once. It was hard but I think it some ways, it was good for me because my last image of him was not one of him attached to all these tubes.

On the day that he died, I still went to work. With all the confusion, none of my relatives was able to tell me to stay home. I went about my usual day but looking back there were already signs. For one, the bus that I was riding all of a sudden broke down at the same time that my cellphone rang but I wasn't able to answer it on time. Checking my missed calls, the caller's phone number didn't register. When I got to work, a message from my brother all the way in the Philippines was waiting for me. Fearing that things were not well at home, I was lucky enough to be able to have a fonecard handy so I was able to call almost immediately. My brother gave me the sad news then he put Papa on the line. Since I had no idea what was going on, Papa instructed me to confirm first. So I called an uncle and it was confirmed.

I went home almost immediately. My uncle brought me to the hospital so I can say my final goodbye but he was already gone when I got there. All my relatives were on their way out. I was still numb then, I didn't know what or how to feel. We all went to my aunt's house where arrangements were going to be discussed among my aunts and uncles while us the cousins dealt with it the best way that we can.

Papa and Mama decided to come for Lolo's funeral. It was a few days after 9/11 and there was tension in the whole world. If the loss of Lolo wasn't enough stress to deal with, I had to face with the fact that my parents will be traveling from the other side of Earth during this uncertain times. They were supposed to arrive Thursday just in time for the Saturday services. Thursday came but my parents didn't. They were redirected to Hawaii without knowing how or when they will be able to get to California. Friday, we took our chance again and went to the airport but nothing. I slept holding my phone close to me since Papa was going to call me there. 5 am, Saturday, I got the much awaited call from Papa, they were at LAX and will be taking a taxi to our designated place since private cars were not allowed to enter LAX. I breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing my parents. The whole day was in a frenzy. Until now I still do not know how we were able to survive those times but we did. Maybe in some strange way Lolo was looking out for my parents to be able to get here on time. Maybe he was giving us the strength that we needed to be able to go on without him.

It has been 3 years and I still do not feel that he is gone. For me he is just on a long vacation. Lolo was such a character with his dry sense of humor and culinary gift. I remember him with fond memories rather than sad ones. In my heart and mind I feel that it was time for him to go since he was growing tired with being in and out of the hospital. He is in a much better place now...looking down at us. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is.

With the recent turmoil going on in the family, I have never been more glad that he is not here to see what is going on but I do hope that the strength that he had exuded when he was still around, he will be able to pass on to Lola who needs it now more than ever.

Lolo, wherever you are...Happy Anniversary!

Gibbers

Since the name of my blog is "from the top of my head", I might as well post these thoughts that at one point in time crossed my mind in the most peculiar time and place. I have moments like these and happens a lot of times that is why it is imperative that I always carry along with me a pen and a paper. I have to be prepared when inspiration strikes! It is quite a list already and it is still a work in progress. So here goes:

• A slap is the biggest insult a human being can give another.
• I cannot expect someone to make me happy if I don’t know what will make me happy.
• I should be happy first before I can expect people to make me happy.
• My sense of self-worth will not and should not come from other people. It should come from within me.
• The only person who can give me validation is ME.
• If I want people to like me, I MUST like me first.
• If you want people to open up to you, do the same thing.
• I believe that we start to live LIFE once we become comfortable in our own skin.
• I am more scared of people whose one big positive trait is that they are “very nice”. I believe that it’s scarier when “nice” people become bad than those that have been labeled as “bad”.
• A relationship is about two individuals becoming one rather than two halves trying to become ONE.
• My Social Psychology teacher was right, in any attraction it is in the “ATTRACTED” and not the “ATTRACTEE”. We are drawn to another human being not because of who or what they are but rather what emotion they evoke in us.
• Value one’s independence and expect the people around you to do the same.
• Never look down when talking to a child. Go down to his or her eye level or bring the child up to yours. It may not make a difference now but it will in the future.
• Insecurity is the cause of the doom and demise of any relationship.
• The choices that we make may not make sense to other people, but if it makes sense to us then it is the RIGHT CHOICE.
• A person is defined by what he or she holds important in his or her life.
• Humor is not about laughing at the expense of other people, but being able to laugh at our own expense.
• People have different definitions of love, peace, happiness and success, who are we to question and judge that.
• Sometimes in our search of that one BIG thing, we forget the little things we encounter along the way which turns out to be the MOST IMPORTANT things.
• In life, the journey towards a destination is of equal importance as to the destination itself.
• Life isn’t about how we lived it but how we made use of it.
• Life is not a sprint but a marathon.· People do not fall in or out of love. People decide to love.
• Relationships are partnerships not corporations.
• Leashes are for pets not for people. No matter how thick of a leash we put on someone, if they are going to stray, they are going to stray.
• People should not be in relationships out of obligation, need or pity.
• Lack of communication is the start of the death of a relationship.
• Death of relationships do not just happen, we allowed it to happen.
• Neglecting one’s self is neglecting others too.
• You hear with your ear but you listen with your heart.
• Nothing is sexier than a good pair of great fitting jeans.
• Regrets are not likely when one makes a decision wisely.
• Sometimes the love of our life is not in our life.
• I have no idea where I am headed but I know what I am running away from.
• Focus on the things in our life that we have and not on those that we lack and we realize that we have so much to be thankful for.
• The greatest gifts parents can give their children are roots and wings.
• The brain is above the heart not only because it is anatomically pretty but because it makes sense out of what the heart dictates.
• I will worry about the things I can control and change rather than waste my time and effort on the things that I cannot.
  

Prologue

Finally an avenue for me to share my thoughts! Why "from the top of head?" Well, I have felt sometimes that my thought process is faster than my body can comprehend! LOL! Sometimes I feel that I need some machine attached to my brain so that it can encapsulate all the thoughts that are running through my head. Its usually random thoughts about so many things around me...some of them are pretty out there and I know that when I tell people about it - they will cast me a weird look and a shake of their head like saying..."what is she talking about?". Hopefully I wont get the same reaction as I post my thoughts away! LOL!

I am a new aunt and a new godmother!!! My cousin gave birth to her second child, a girl - 5lbs, 19 inches, today at 7:45AM! Welcome to the world, Jasmine Skye Jaojoco Navarro!!! Being an aunt I can handle but being a godmother is a daunting task! It is an honor to be asked to be a godmother because that means that the parents feel and believe that I am responsible enough to be able to be there for their daughter when the need arises. She is not my first god-daughter but I think it is only now that I have come to grasp the real meaning of it. Back in high school, studying about sacraments, it was discussed what the role of godparents are. Well, back then the thought of being one did not cross my mind so whatever I was studying did not really make sense to me. Nowadays, I am coming to terms with it and slowly trying to understand what it entails. I am excited! On the downside though, my Christmas list is growing longer and longer!