Miffed!

Aside from blogging, I also visit forums. There is one forum that I go to consists of people from my city. There is a wide variety of topics that is being discussed there. Anyway, I went there today and of course like everywhere the heated discussion is about GMA. I state my opinions and all. The gist of my post was I think everyone is highly emotional about the whole thing with valid reasons but I think nothing will be accomplished if we use our heart to decide and not our heads. There is a reason why the brain is above the heart. I am not particularly amused with the recent turn of events as well but this is the time that the next step should require much needed thought. This is not the time to be hasty though I know that this needs to be dealt with the soonest possible time. "Haste goes to waste" like they say. Then there was a post right after mine which to me was short of a challenge. It seemed that I may have hit a raw nerve in that poster that he or she shot back with a statement that didn't particularly sound good to my ears. He or she stated that "instead of spewing at a passive screen, I should ask if I have done something about it!" That statement though may not have been directed at me but felt like it was and it hit a raw nerve in me as well. But regardless if it was directed at me or not, whatever happened to respecting the opinions of others. So I replied that I indeed have done something about it and that was... never thinking that my vote would be a waste if I didn't vote for the most likely winner. I didn't vote for Erap nor did I vote for GMA. Plus if I do not find any candidate worthy of my vote in any position, I abstain from writing any name regardless if a candidate is a relative or not. Our parents gave my siblings and I the freedom to vote for whoever we want to. Papa nor Mama never told us to vote for anyone. Our ballot was our own. Now that I have settled and calmed down, it is actually laughable that I even gave this so much thought, time and energy. I contradicted my very own statement about not thinking with my heart but with my mind. That was a "lapse of judgment" (no pun intended) on my part. After this I am going back to lurkdom for the time being. It may seem that I am evading but I cannot promise to be sensible all the time and I am not sure if this is worth my blood pressure shooting up. Or next time I should really just laugh it off.

From nothing to something

After so many weeks and months of having a busy weekend, here I am on a Saturday morning, in front of the computer, pretty much doing nothing! YES! Well, granted I am not totally activity-free today, I have an uncle's birthday party to go to later, at least for a few hours I have the house all by myself. My aunts and uncle are at a LSS retreat at our parish. It's a beautiful, sunny day to be wasted away, doing nothing. I am well aware of that but it's too hot to go anywhere. Plus, I am resisting the urge to go to the mall and start buying things I may not exactly need but just want. The only place that I go to frequently is the bookstore anyway and sadly its closed. My trip to the mall will now be without a trip to my favorite bookstore. That is a tragedy.

I think guys should take lessons from my uncle. It was my uncle's wife's birthday yesterday and he surprised her. He had mentioned that he had concocted something for her birthday but no specifics of course. So when I called my aunt to greet her, she told me what the surprise was. He booked a room at the Ritz Carlton Laguna Niguel. He commissioned my 3 cousins, one of them their daughter to prepare the room with balloons, rose petals on the bed and tub and 36 candles everywhere, one for every year of her life. That was a sweet thing to do after 14 years of marriage and 3 kids. Actually, most of the men in my family have a sweet streak in them. Papa isn't really into big surprises but he has done a lot of small surprises. One of his big surprises was what he did for Mama for her 50th birthday. Mama had no idea that Papa along with my siblings planned a party for her and they invited all her friends from high school to be there. That was a tricky thing to pull off since we live in a small city. One Christmas, Papa was hinting to us that he had big gifts for us but when we opened it, it was a picture frame with our pictures on it. For a second we were disappointed but we realized that he went through all that trouble to do something for us. Now, that picture frame is my favorite gift of all time. My brother once cooked an Italian dinner for a girlfriend one Valentine's Day. Well, he was actually short on money, living off his student's allowance and it was hard to get reservations anywhere. But still, he cooked a penne pasta dish, had roses on the table, wine and decent cutlery. He transformed our tiny apartment into a place straight out of an Italian eatery. I think more than what the surprise was, it is the thought and the effort that counts the most. It is making the other person feel that he or she is special and thought of. It doesn't have to fall on a specific occassion or event. Sometimes the randomness of the action is what makes it really special and unforgettable. I think it's sad when couples start taking each other for granted. That I think starts the downfall of relationships.

Summer Blues

It is only 4 days into what is officially summer season but I am already feeling the heat, literally. I have been sluggish, fatigued these past couple of days. I attributed it to lack of sleep but then again I have always lacked sleep. I don't remember a time in my life that I really went for the suggested or required 8 hours of sleep. I feel nauseous if I sleep for 8 hours or worse when I sleep more than that. So I scratched sleep off the possible reasons why I feel like crap. Then earlier, I had an awakening that it wasn't sleep that I am in need of but water. I am not the biggest water drinker. I do not drink soda either. I am just not the biggest drinker of anything. I not only get the required 8 hours of sleep, I also do not drink the required 8 glasses of water. I am screwed. But, starting tomorrow, I am going to make a conscious effort to drink lots and lots of water. My body is void of any liquid which is what I need the most to survive the next 2 months until summer ends. I want to enjoy summer no matter how hot it's going to be. I have no plans of continuing to feel this way. I also pity the people around me if I continue to be this way. I am not exactly the happiest camper when I do not feel well. This is like PMSing for the next 2 months, No way!

When I lived in Manila for pretty much 5 years, I had allergies during the mornings which was tolerable. Everyone in my family has allergies so it was no big thing. But when I moved here, my allergies escalated from the "during mornings" ones to whole day then to everyday. When the season changes, usually spring and fall, my allergies act up. But its summer and my allergies are bad! When the temperature changes, my sinusitis and migraine make their presence felt. My vacation in Maui was hampered by this as soon as I stepped out of the plane. When I smell newly cut grass, I go into a sneezing fit. I wish people will mow their lawns after I pass. But that is not going to happen. Manila, supposedly has a worse air quality than L.A. but how come I never had all these things when I was there. I do not want to medicate myself as much as possible. I was never used to popping a pill each time I felt sick. But I do not know how long I can take this state. I plan to sit it out and see and if it gets any worse then maybe. But I hope there is a different way to deal with this than through taking some medicines. Funny thing is I work at a doctor's office where pretty much all medications are available for me and I do not take advantage of that.

My mom used to tell us whenever we would be scared of ghost stories that "matakot na kayo sa buhay, wag sa patay" (Be scared of the living not of the dead). I always believed that. Well, its true. What could the dead possibly do to me but scare me out of my wits. The living can inflict pain on me or worse kill me. I tell that to my co-workers and they think I am a lunatic. My co-workers look at me with amazement that I can stay at the office all by myself. But then again its daytime. They supposedly feel some supernatural things going on, hear unusual sounds at the office but for some reasons I get none of those. Maybe I just do not mind them that's why they leave me alone. However, early this morning around 1 am as I was checking my mails, I heard some noises outside our front door. Call me crazy but I didn't exactly bolt out of my chair to go to my room. I actually waited and tried to listen in. It was definitely no ghost or supernatural being. I would have just shrugged it off if it was. As soon as I had that established that's when I decided to forego my mails and just go to sleep. I am not sure if it was an animal or a person going through our trash but I didn't want to find out. But a part of me actually was thinking of taking a peek to see what or who it was. Didn't I say I am a bit crazy?

My one and only working watch broke so I have to get batteries for the others. I am not used to not wearing a watch even when I sleep. But I do not know when I would have the time to go to a watch repair store to get those batteries and have my watches fixed.

This lady almost gave me a bath when I already had one when I passed by her as she was watering her plants. She already went to the side so I would have space to walk without getting soaked but I still had water on me. I think she raised the hose a little too high that's why. I resisted giving her a dagger look since it was far too early to be in a bad mood.

The heat got into me so much that I didn't get anything done at work. In fact, I don't think I did anything at all and it's almost the weekend! Geez!

Today just wasn't my day!

Papa

I know that this post is way overdue. Blame my lack of sleep for my inability to put into words what my heart wants to say. But at least I called to greet you a "Happy Father's Day!" You thanked me for the shirts that Mama bought which she passed on as coming from us. Bless her!

I do not know if I ever said thank you enough for being the Papa that you are. To many you may be an enigma but to us you are an open book. I know that the past year have been a struggle for you. We wished we could do more but we can only give you our understanding and love. It is not always easy. You do get into our nerves sometimes but we understand what you are going through and we try not to add to it. I am glad that you and Mama taught us from an early age to be dependable and independent adults. My siblings and I have bonded into dealing with our individual problems the best that we can without turning to you when we know that you too are facing your own problems. Like you always told us, we relied on each other during those times and we came out of it alright. As long as we have each other other we can weather whatever it is that will come our way. Don't worry it turned out okay, Mama is okay and you it seems are turning out okay as well. Life could not be better.

Things were not always rosy. I resented the fact that your political life took you away from us in so many occasions. I was angry that you had to leave after Camille's kindergarten graduation and Nicco's grade school graduation and didn't join us for dinner because you had to attend a meeting. I was mad that you missed out on so many things in our lives because you had to take care of other things. I also resented the fact that we bore the brunt of your frustration with the problems that was plaguing government. It felt like we were not only carrying our own problems on our shoulders but we were carrying the problems of the entire province as well. Basically, I was mad that we would have to share you now with your constituents when all these times we had your undivided attention. Maybe I was just jealous that is why I felt that way. But eventually I understood and accepted this as part of what is now our reality. This life that you have embarked upon also taught us to be aware of the conditions and struggles of other people outside our secured and comfortable world. It opened our eyes to the world beyond what we have been accustomed to and to count ourselves lucky. Being apolitical in our family was just not possible when you read 5 newspapers daily and you had to have your weekly supply of Time and Newsweek Magazine and you encouraged us to be voracious readers as well. The current political situation was discussed over dinner and I vividly recall that time during the EDSA Revolution when we would listen intently at the radio on what was happening in Manila and you explaining to us in a manner that our young minds will be able to comprehend. You told me that "I should be happy that I grew up in the countryside!" I didn't think of it much before but being far away from home, I look back at those times and it gets me through my homesickness. You ingrained in us that we have a responsibility to be good citizens and good people and we have our own share in making our lives as well as the lives of others better. We carry that awareness up to this day.

People may have an impression of you as someone strict and rigid. Yes, you were strict. We had to be home at a specific time especially during school days. We had to be home at the time we were told to be home and to call in case we would be late. We had to let you know who we are with and where we are going. It was not because you wanted to control our lives but I believe knowing our whereabouts was the middle ground between you allowing us to live our lives the way that we should live it and easing up your worries. In times that we fall off the wagon and we disobey those rules you would call our attention to it. Sometimes it became annoying since you have the penchant of saying it over and over again. And yes it is still annoying up to this day. But we have to accept that because that is who you are. We have had our share of being punished but what sets you apart is the fact that you explain to us why we were punished. At least we know that we were not being punished for nothing. After making us cry you would be the first one to give us a hug and comfort us.

You were involved in our lives but you never meddled. Inspite of the busy schedules that you and Mama followed, you make it a point that we have dinner together and that weekends are spent with family. I enjoyed our late night runs to get barbecue or fruits or whatever it is that you are craving. I also remember how you would indulge us when we want to take a drive the morning after a typhoon. How you tried to play "word factory" with us not knowing the rules. Tell stories of your own childhood when there was a power outage and we would sit outside our porch underneath the bright moon. These are the memories that we will treasure forever not the material things. You are very generous with gifts but more than the material things I believe we appreciate more the life lessons that you have shared with us and the outstanding example that you have shown.

Not a lot of people know that you are a prankster. There have been so many instances that we have been at the receiving end of it. Like that one time that you sprayed cold water on our faces when we refused to wake up one morning for school. Or when you would deliberately step on the brakes which would make us jerk forward on our seats. Or those times when you and Mama would make us go back and forth between the two of you when we would ask permission to go somewhere. Reminiscing those times never fails to bring a smile to my face.

You are a cool dad asking us about our lovelifes and teasing us constantly. You welcomed our friends and treated them like your own children. Even now when you see them you still greet them. You don't know how much that means to my friends that you said hello to them. Their hearts swell with pride when they tell me the story. You opened our house to our friends and made them feel at home . I guess that's why most of our parties at the house would last till morning and yet you and Mama never seemed to mind. That acceptance and your own lasting friendships have been our examples for keeping the friends that we have now.

You may be whatever position you hold outside our house but inside you are Papa. How many father's do you know who would shine our school shoes for us? Clean our boots so it will be ready for our weekend CAT exercise? Deliver Jehann's baked goodies to her buyers? Papa, you did all that and more. You would make sure that we were cool and mosquitoes were at bay during nights where there was no power. When we were all in college in Manila, you would make sure that part of your itinerary would be spending time with us. We like going to the malls with you because you don't complain and you don't rush us. You find yourself a place to sit and wait for us. Plus, you shop at the more pricey places. Even now, you send us text messages just to say hello and to let us know what is going on. It can be too much sometimes but it's okay and we appreciate it.

You turn into mush when it comes to us. I know it was difficult for you to accept that I am far away from home. You wished so many times that I would have been closer but even though it is hard for you, you allowed me still because it is going to be for my own good. I was sad when you wouldn't talk to me when I would call during the first few years that I was away but I understand because you would just break down and cry. I know you are still coming to terms with it and thank you for making an effort. You made everyone at my 18th birthday party cry. You cry a lot when it comes to us that there is a running joke within the family that you will not only need a box of tissue when one of us gets married but a towel. Just opening your letters to me while I was in college was enough to make me cry and your words made me cry even more.

Papa...We have had our moments when I do not understand you and vice versa. But we have managed to get pass it. There were times that we have butted heads I guess because I am stubborn like you. In fact I think the entire family is stubborn. There were times that I was detached because I felt that you expected too much from me and I feel bad when I am not able to live up to them. But I believe that the reason why you push us so much is because you believe we have more to offer than what we are giving. It is that push that made us who we are now. I thank you for treating us like adults, for making us feel that our opinion matters. For being open to what we have to say and listening to them. Thank you for allowing us to be our own persons, for allowing us to grow with your guidance. Thank you for allowing us to make our own decisions and to learn from our own mistakes. You let us make mistakes but knowing that you have our backs, dealing with it makes it easier. Thank you for instilling in us that we should not live under you and Mama's shadows but we would have to cast our own. Thank you for allowing us to fly with our own wings with the assurance that we can always come back home. Thank you for all the support that you have given us which is our source of strength when times get tough. You have a tough road ahead of you with this new challenge that you have embarked upon. Rest assured you have our support much like we have yours. I know that you and Mama still worry about us. I know that you do not trust the world that we live in but I hope that you trust yourselves to believe that you have taught us how to survive and win. Most of all thank you for being the best Papa that any child would love to have. You may not be perfect but you are OUR Papa and that is better than perfection.

Happy Father's Day, Papa! We love you!

Beyond what the eyes can see

It must be June when all of my favorites shows have had their season finales and I have to contend myself with either watching re-runs or finding some other show to watch. So far none has caught my attention until last night. Beauty and the Geek is a brainchild of Ashton Kutcher that is being shown right now on The WB. I am not really a big fan of his. His other show over at MTV was entertaining at first but some of the pranks that they have pulled on other celebrities are already getting tiring, annoying, offensive and downright mean.

I wasn't able to watch the first episode of "Beauty & The Geek" primarily because I wasn't at all interested at first and secondly I wasn't around when it premiered. The labeling truned me off from giving it a chance. I never cared for labels and I always thought that people should never brand themselves as one or the other or box themselves into stereotypes. But then again that is just me. I guess I am a bit sensitive about labels since I have been labeled before of being something which was far from the truth. People are actually surprised to discover that all these times they were wrong about me. But enough of me. Going back to the show, Ashton described it as the "ultimate social experiment". He paired off 7 beauties who may be cerebrally challenged and yet social experts with 7 geeks who are intellectually stimulating but may be lacking in social skills. Some of the beauties were not exactly beauties and some of the geeks didn't look like geeks at all. Each pair competes through a series of activities that is the opposite of their "expertise". The challenge is to equip the other with the much needed information to win the task on hand. Each week a team is eliminated until one pair emerges in the end to win the grand prize.

As I was watching it, aside from the fact that it was actually interesting, it also made me think that maybe through this show people will come to realize that labels are not only hurtful but sometimes these are wrong and misconstrued. I am sure that people whether a beauty, a geek, a jock, a loner and all other "stereotypes" out there have had their own prejudices against other people without really getting to know the other person. It would have been interesting to watch the very first episode when they were all initially introduced to each other and observe the whole dynamics of it. I am guessing it wasn't the prettiest sight. But since they signed on to the show, they would just have to live with it. Maybe that's the whole idea behind it.. put these people who would not normally walk in the same circles in close quarters wherein they would have to deal with each other whether they like it or not. Sometimes, a little coercion or in this case monetary compensation would do us some good to look past the facade that we see. There are more to a person than what our eyes see but either we chose not to see it or we do see it but chose to ignore or brush it aside.

It was just the second episode and it is starting to become apparent that the beauties and the geeks are forming bonds, a connection with each other which would pave the way for better understanding and acceptance of one another. They are all learning from each other which I think would be the best prize they could ever get at the end of this. It would have been ideal had it not been a competition, no pair is being eliminated and everyone will all stick together until the end. But reality is, this is still a game and the producers have to spice it up to hold the audience interest. But at least the contestants are leaving with a better sense of themselves and of the other which would be for their own benefits. I just hope that these people will bring their experiences from the show into the "outside" world when the show ends and make changes in their own lives. These changes are not going to solve the world's problems, curb hunger, save people's lives or end war but at least every bit helps so people will be more accepting of one another. To stop looking at someone as male, female, beauty, geek etc but realizing that we are not at all different from each other because if we really look closely we are all human beings.

Or is it too much to ask from a reality tv show?

The bride wore no veil.

Or something blue. Or something old. or something borrowed. She has something new - her wedding dress. There were no bouquet toss or garter toss or money dance. Was this a wedding? Yes, it was a wedding and the bride wanted it that way. It was her wedding and she will do and should do whatever she wants to.

I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that a dear friend of mine is now married. Until now I am still in disbelief that she now has a husband. I have known Chary along with her twin sister Christy since first grade. A lot of people are really amused and astonished that we have kept in touch all these years. We were classmates from first grade until graduating from high school. During college, we studied in rival schools - the 2 of them went to Ateneo while I went to La Salle. But we never let all that school rivalry put a dampen on our friendship and I am glad for that. We actually couldn't care less. Our friendship was way more important than school spirit. After college we all found ourselves in Southern California just maybe 30 minutes from each other and we try to get together as much as we can. Not a lot of people have maintained friendships as long as we have. I am glad that we have and I am truly blessed.

It was a very nice wedding. With choosing to have it in Maui, Chary and Rick were able to make sure that the people at their wedding were the ones that they really wanted to be there. Just their respective families and close friends were there which made it really intimate. They were at the helm from start to finish. They made the invitations, made the placecards/favors, the menu in specially- made holders all by themselves. It turned out pretty well considering that they saw the church, the reception, the flowers, the cake, picked their song ("Let's Stay Together by Al Green), met their wedding coordinator, photographer and DJ in that same week. All communication were done either through phone or email. This wedding was put together with the use of modern technology. Chary was a far cry from the "bridezillas". She wasn't going to consume herself in making the whole thing perfect and I applaud her for that. After all the imperfections are the one that make the event unforgettable.

The scenery was amazing, the food was great, the dessert was very decadent. It was too pretty to eat but I ate it anyway. Their respective fathers spoke, the groom's cousin, Angelie, who is an amazing singer, serenaded the couple with songs. Derek, the groom's brother-in-law and best man along with Christy, the bride's twin sister and maid of honor offered a toast and it was dancing all night long. She forego doing the bridal bouquet toss and the garter toss since she never enjoyed them, she didn't feel it was fair to subject her single guests to those either.

Chary is embarking into a new chapter in her life. Like she said, "she's a grown-up now". She too had trouble comprehending all the things that happened and will happen to her. If before she had us her friends to rely on now she has an additional person to rely on and that is Rick. She will rely on him first from now on. I know that Rick loves her and she is in good hands.

Congratulations Rick & Chary! Best Wishes!

I wish

I wish to wake up each morning and see one of those. This was just one of the mornings that I woke up to during my stay in Maui. I was there for my dear friend Chary's wedding and my much needed vacation at the same time. The sound of the waves as they roll into shore, warm weather and sunrise such as these were a far cry from the cars, erratic weather of Los Angeles.

The moment we arrived in Maui on Monday, I immediately felt at home and not only because there was a large Filipino population in Maui but the weather and the lifestyle seemed to have transported me back home to Tacloban. This wasn't my first visit to Hawaii but it was my first visit to Maui. Chary and Christy after their visits to the island told me that Maui was like an "improved" Tacloban and they were both right. From the luscious mountains to the clear, blue waters to the laidback atmosphere I would have thought that I was back home but alas I wasn't but at least this was close to home as I could ever be.

The one thing I miss the most from home were the beaches. We have beaches in Southern California but the waters are frigid, not at all conducive to taking a dip unless you are a polar bear or a penguin. The waters in Maui were just the perfect temperature. I promised myself that I will not leave Maui without at least taking a dip. My promise was granted Thursday when by myself I went to the beach and enjoyed the waters. I invited Chary and Christy to come along but they felt that it way too early and would rather just catch up on their sleep. I do not blame them, it was after all 7 AM. I am not usually a morning person but for some reasons during our entire time in Maui my usual wake-up time was 630 AM. It was actually a good time. The shore wasn't that crowded yet save for some people doing their morning walk on the beach and some little kids playing "catch me" with the waves. It would have been perfect if not for the big rocks on the ocean floor. I had a wedding the following day, I had no plans of injuring myself. Good thing, the water was clear enough for me to see where I was going and which areas I should stay away from. But I still stubbed my toes one too many times.

While there, I did something that was out of my "comfort zone". I went parasailing with Chary, Christy, Rick, Tana and Tom. I like rollercoasters so I wasn't all that scared to go parasailing but still scared enough after all we would be suspended 800 feet up in the sky, our dear life dependent only to these harnesses and life vests. Not very comforting at all but at least going as a tandem was comfort enough. Doing it all by myself would have been a different matter. The ascent was not abrupt which was a relief. We were hoisted into the sky really slowly and our height was gradually increased as time went on. I hardly ever felt that we were that high. Rick mentioned that at some point we would feel a sudden gush of wind which brought us higher and when it happened it was actually exciting. It was so tranquil and serene up there. Away from the noise of the people on the shore, the sound of the machines from boats, everything was just shut off and it was a welcome change. After probably being up there for a good 10-15 minutes we were already on our way down. But the captain of the boat decided it would be fun to play a joke on us. He lowered us into the water, low enough that we could have touched the waters below. But before we could be any lower into the waters, we were hoisted back up again. Then as quickly as we were up there, we were back to the boat. Parasailing was fun, I don't mind doing it again.

Hmmm...

My sister Camille is 9 years younger than I am but for some reasons she thinks she can give me advice on my lovelife or lack thereof. She said that my lovelife is starting to get tiresome and bothersome. WHAT?? In some aspects, she is right. It has become a saga of some sorts. The thing is I do not even know if I must continue living in this saga. I am trying to assess things on how they came to this point - years of "maybes" and "what ifs". Some years ago he was my convenient excuse, that I will admit. Maybe because I was too chicken to really reject anyone that I wasn't remotely attracted to. I am afraid of karma that's why. It seems that he was the most plausible excuse I could think of especially when I encountered guys who just doesn't seem to get it. Or maybe it was wishful thinking on my part at that time. Him, being my excuse worked the first time and before I knew it, I have come to use it often. Now I cant seem to break free from it no matter how much I want to. Or do I really want to? Yup, I am one confusing piece of creature. LOL If my sister is tired with it, what about me. I am the one in the middle of all these but it seems to be "easier said than done" to break free from it. Why is that? I don't think I am making any sense with this post but my thoughts are just so muddy right now. For the meantime, I wrote this sometime ago...

My Convenient Excuse

I have used you again as my convenient excuse to discourage would-be suitors. I don't know how many times I have done that, countless time perhaps. All of them you don't know and I have no plans of letting you know. It's not something I am proud of but it has been a comfort to know that I could use that to be able to drive away some people other than you. My reasons? My own selfish reasons that I have someone that I know so well that it comes out so convincingly that there is something more than just friendship between us. My own wishful thinking too that it is possible that we can be more than friends. Pathetic, yes I know!

I don't know if its because we sort of have a history together that its easy for me to just say out the circumstances surrounding your supposed role in my life. I don't have to struggle to come up with some lame excuse, you alone are enough and it has worked so many times. I guess its true what they said " if isn't broken, don't fix it!" But until when will you be my convenient excuse?

Right now, these lines from the song "Last Love Song" of 17:28 & Heart keep on resonating in my brain as well:

Am I trying too hard to keep this love alive

You don't seem to care about this love that we have

I called you last night but you were not there

I didn't hear from you at all today

CHORUS

I can't play this game

I'm just wasting my time

You leave me with no other choice

But to say goodbye

I want to work things out

But what's the point of it if

I have to be in love alone

It's not worth it anymore

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But tears are falling down from my eyes

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

I thought we shared a life that's full of love

But now I realize we shared an empty home

I will cry my last cry before I say bye, bye

I will sing my last love song for you tonight

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But did my best to make things right

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

A year ago..

My sister, Camille wrote a post in her blog which brought back not-so great memories of the year before. I don't think I ever really came to grips with it. Sure, I grieved. Sure I was angry. Sure I was hurt. Sure, I cried but until now I still wonder what happened.

Twelve years ago when Papa first voiced his desire to run for public office, it was met with apprehension and opposition. I remember asking him why he wanted to run. I remember his answer very vividly "because I want to help people!". "But you can help people without having to go into politics!" was my reply. He did not say anything else after that. Try as we may to discourage him from running for office to a point of Mama saying that she was going to leave for the States but of course she never did, we failed in our efforts. Papa was set on running for office whether we agreed with it or not. Of course, we couldn't abandon him in the time that he needed us the most so with apprehension, we relented and supported him because this is what he wanted to do.

Unlike other children of public servants (I refuse to call Papa a politician), we didn't really bask in its glow. In fact, we try to shy away from it. I don't think people even knew that we are his children even when we were already in front of them. It was great to still have that certain level of anonymity and we treasured our privacy. It was just a good thing that Papa also tried with all his might to separate his public life from his private life. As much as possible he didn't hold meetings at our house and only those close to him really knew where we lived. It doesn't really make a big difference since we came from a small city anyway but still. My siblings and I tried with all our might to be the anti-thesis of your typical children of those in politics. We knew we lived in a fish bowl. We knew that our every move would be closely observed and scrutinized. This is why all of us made a conscious effort to make sure that people will have nothing on us. We never allowed the position that he now holds to define who we are. We lived our lives as normal as possible. We lived our lives like we always lived it. We are still Papa's children, his position in the government is not going to change that nor would we allow it to change. A lot of people have told us to take advantage of it but we didn't feel good doing so. This is one thing that we are very proud of to this very day.

For 9 years he was boardmember for the 2nd District of Leyte and after that 3 years of being the Vice Governor. Then election 2004 came, he thought that he would seek higher office so he decided to run for Congress. We knew that this was going to be a risky move and a costly one at that. Not to mention dangerous since he will be up against the incumbent who for some reasons always felt that Papa was a thorn in her flesh. We knew the inner makings of this opponent and we knew how she works. It was going to be a tough battle but Papa thought it was time and so we supported him like always. They may have won the election but for sure for a moment there we gave them quite a fight, one that they will always remember. We gave them a tough fight, so tough that they had to bring out their biggest artillery - money just to make sure that they would win the election. Money that isn't theirs in the first place. We sure made them sweat big time. They gloated when they won but what is good with winning when it wasn't done in the most honorable way. We may have lost the election but we didn't lose self-respect and dignity. I do not know if they can say the same thing about themselves. It just goes to show to what great lengths people will go just to hang on and cling on to a position they hold so dearly. If I sound bitter, yes I am to some degree but not because we didn't win but because of the circumstances why we didn't.

We were confident that people have matured, that they will vote wisely but once again we were disappointed. It looked promising but in the end money still called the shots. People said we were cheated. I know that for a fact. I didn't have to be there to know that but what more can we do. What can we do if the people wanted what they don't deserve and need?

I was in the state of shock and disbelief. I felt like taking the first plane out to be with my family but I know that Papa and Mama would just be more disheartened. I had to be strong for my family. Mama, bless her heart kept a brave front for everyone when inside she was deeply hurt. My brother and sisters were all disheartened, saddened, disappointed, frustrated, hurt and at times angry. My sister's other entry pretty much summed up what they were feeling back home. Me, I didn't know what to say or how to react or how to feel. Once it was confirmed that we didn't win the election, I decided to go to a church with the full intention of crying my eyes out. But once I was there I could only sit and stare at the altar. I was numb. I knew I needed to cry or shout or be angry or anything. By this time, Papa had apologized to us his children. Apologize for what? For believing and hoping that people will be receptive to his brand of public service? He said he made the wrong decision. Papa didn't make a wrong decision, the people made a wrong decision, one that they would have to live with for the next 3 years. Then Christy called me to ask how I was and before I knew it, I was bawling. I cried like I never cried before. I knew that as friends they will allow me to do that and she did. I think what stopped me from crying before with my family was that fact that I didn't want them to suffer more than they already were. Had they known how I was feeling, it would just make them more sad and that's the last thing I wanted them to feel. They already had enough issues to deal with I didn't feel good adding to it.

It has been one year! So many things have changed. Papa is more at home now with Mama. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's not. Having spent 12 years of his life serving people, it was quite a change not doing it all of a sudden. He needed to adjust again and sometimes it wasn't a pretty sight. We try to be more understanding and empathetic, he is slowly getting there. He is not really totally out of the whole scene because at least some people acknowledge his efforts, wisdom and opinion. He is still serving the people just not holding an elected position. In my opinion this is better because at least his judgment wouldn't be clouded by what other people's opinion would be or whether they are going to like it or not. His concern would be if it is going to be beneficial to everyone in the long run. He is still angry sometimes and saddened by the events as all of us. I think more than being angry we are disappointed, frustrated and saddened that people turned their backs on us but at least in this way we know now who our real supporters are. Papa is still contemplating of running for office again. If the family will be asked, we prefer that he doesn't anymore but just like 12 years ago no matter how much we oppose, he will still go ahead with it. All we can do is just be there for him and support him. I just hope that the people have learned something by that time. I don't think Papa deserves to go through it again. Actually if the same thing happens again then maybe the people of Leyte are not only ready for Papa's brand of politics but they do not deserve him.

Happy Anniversary Mama & Papa!

Today is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary! I am so sad I wasn't with them to celebrate it. Come to think of it none of their children were there. In some sense, I think its good because this was their time. Knowing my parents, had we been home it would have been a family affair. My parents seldom go out on their own. I think they really deserve to especially now that all of us are adults and pretty much out of the house. This time should be all about them and not anymore about us, their children.

I don't know much the story on how my parents met. Sad isn't it? Well when we ask we don't really get a straight answer anyway. I wonder why. All I know is that my mom used to watch their bakeshop and my dad would buy bread often until he pretty much became a regular fixture. Plus I think their respective brothers were friends and that's how they knew about each other that's why Mama said "ay oo kilala ko na yan!" when they were formally introduced. I think Papa is Mama's first boyfriend but she had suitors before. I am really curious what made both decide that the other person was the one he/she would want to spend his/her life with. I have always been curious but hasn't had the chance or courage to ask.

As much or as little I know on how they met, I know how they are together. I told myself that if I get half of the relationship that my parents have I will be happy. Of course, theirs isn't a perfect relationship. Whoever thinks that they have a perfect relationship is either delusional or in denial. Relationships especially marriage has its share of ups and downs. It's sticking through it and working through it that makes a difference. I am sure that at some point either or both have contemplated giving up but there is a reason why it never materialized. They seem to be able to work through it. The one thing that I admire about my parents relationship is the level of respect they have for each other. They may not understand why the other person thinks the way he or she does but they will respect that. Papa and Mama may individually complain about the other but they have learned to accept that it is part of who they are. Papa, being the head of the family never undermined Mama's role. In fact she is held in the highest regard. They were equal partners in the whole relationship.

My parents are both independent individuals which borderlines stubbornness sometimes. This is funny because according to Papa, Mama is stubborn and Mama thinks the same way. I guess we are a family of stubborns. LOL But not once did I see a power struggle between the two of them. If anything, there has been a unity in their decision on how they are going to raise us, their children. Papa and Mama made decisions as a unit. If one said no, the other will never overturn it. Asking permission to go anywhere or do anything has been a funny experience for them but an irritating one for us. Case in point, I would ask permission from Mama and she would tell me to ask Papa. So I go to Papa only to be told to ask Mama. So what is left for me to do? They look at each other, smile and say yes. But only after me having been standing there with a confused and bewildered look on my face.

My parents can not be any more different. Papa is an extrovert while Mama is an introvert. Papa, having been in politics for almost 12 years is used to being in the public eye while Mama prefers to stay home. Papa is the chatty one who fishes information from us while Mama will take whatever story you want to tell her. She wont press. My siblings and I joke that she is a major "NR" - no reaction sometimes. Papa tends to forget where he last put down his eyeglasses, pen or keys while Mama knows the exact location of something which makes it hard to lie about looking for it because she can tell if we looked hard enough or not. Papa is medyo "makalat" sometimes, shredding his shoes, clothes around the house while Mama can be majorly OC. Papa doesn't know how to pack while Mama has mastered it like a science. If one needs to pack something, call her and she can fit a lot of stuff in a box with a 70 lbs limit. Both are disciplinarians but heavy punishment is left to Papa. However, if Papa wasn't around, Mama wont wait till Papa arrives. Papa attended all PTA meetings the entire time we were in school. In fact, he was I believe the longest serving PTA president. Mama never once went to a PTA meeting but any other school activities she was there with all the supplies imaginable like food, extra clothes, towels and of course her support.

Both of them were busy people when we were growing up. Papa worked at the bank and Mama had the bakery to manage but they were always there for us. Papa made sure that he drove us to school every morning and picked us up in the afternoon even if we had a driver to do that. Mama wakes us up every morning and makes our milk or Milo before we head out even if we had a housekeeper to do that. We always have dinner together everyday and Sundays we always go to mass together. When we were all off to college in Manila, they would fly out of Tacloban to visit pretty often. They would call often and now send text message often as well. But for some reasons it never felt like they were smothering us. They knew when to keep their distance and allowed us to be who we want to be.

Our parents gave us all the best that life could offer to a point of sacrificing themselves to be able to provide for us. Our parents have shielded and protected us with all their might from the world's cruelties but they also allowed us to learn through our mistakes. Our parents kept us close but they also allowed us to spread our wings and discover the world. Our parents with apprehension allowed us to leave the comforts of home but never failed to tell us that we can always go back home. We owe them so much and no matter how much we try I don't think we can ever repay them for everything that they have done for us. We can always strive to be better children and better people, that much we can do. After all whoever we are reflects on the kind of parents they are and vice versa. Words are not enough to show our gratitude but we can always try. On this occasion of your anniversary, in behalf of my siblings we can only say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! WE LOVE YOU!"

The weekend that was...

I am back to work after a weekend of seeing long time friends (didn't want to use "old") in Las Vegas. My friend Chary is getting married in June and she wanted a bridal shower in Las Vegas. So her twin, Chisty or Xsty as we have been spelling her nickname and I planned it. Aside from the 3 of us, we would be meeting 3 other friends who flew from all over the U.S. - Rhyna flew from Indiana, Abigail and Sandy flew from Texas. They wouldn't be able to make to Chary's wedding in Maui so they decided to come for her bridal shower. Accommodations wouldn't be a problem since my uncle has a house. That detail set aside we wanted it to be a fun, relaxing weekend of spa, shopping, dinner, a show and hanging out .

Friday - we set out to leave early, knowing the traffic that we should expect which is pretty much normal in any drive to Las Vegas from L.A. Early here meant 5PM since we all had work that we couldn't leave early from. Tana, Xsty's friend was so nice to drive us, never mind if he would be in the company of women all weekend. It was a pretty okay drive. Save for a short area where it was kind of slow, the rest of the drive was pretty smooth. We got into my uncle's house close to midnight already so we decided to call it a day after all we have an early start the next day.

Saturday - even though it was my uncle's house I was still "namamahay" which I will define as the inability to fall asleep in other's people's homes. I wasn't able to sleep right away and yet I woke up early. We have a spa appointment at 2PM which was so nicely arranged by Abigail. We all decided to meet up at Bally's where our spa appointments would be. Rhyna was the first to arrive then Abby and Sandy soon followed. With 6 people needing to check in and all of us trying to catch up with each other's lives it was pretty chaotic. We all have the reason to really be excited after all we haven't seen each other in a long time. Well, Chary, Xsty and myself try to see each as much as we can. We live pretty close to each other. But the others were a totally different story. I last saw Rhyna 2003 in Chicago, Abigail & Sandy last year. The others were a different story though. Abigail hasn't seen Rhyna since 1992 when Abby left Tacloban. Rhyna hasn't seen Chary and Xsty since 2000 and she will meet Sandy for the first time.

In between our massages, facials, paraffin what have you's we hanged out at the jacuzzis and steam rooms catching up. It was fun to do all these girly stuff with friends. For most of us this was our first spa visit. I decided to just get the half-hour aromatherapy massage since I didn't know what to expect so I decided to start with the basic. Good decision on my part. The masseuse asked me what oils I wanted and since I wanted to be relax, I picked peppermint and lavender. It was so luxurious. The pressure was just enough and it felt good after. We took advantage of all the facilities available for us and did all the possible "kikay" stuff that you could ever imagine. There was a full vanity dresser with all the hair dryers, curling irons, flat irons imaginable which was great. Our activities were carefully timed so we wouldn't be rushing and all so we really took our time.

Once everyone was ready, we took the walk to Bellagio where we decided to have a buffet dinner. Everything in Vegas is pretty much accessible with the crosswalks in every corner but try walking in heels and its not exactly a walk in the park. So for the price of beauty we took every pain in. The weather was pretty warm for this time of year which was great. There was a long line at the buffet and we were already hungry but since we were already there, we decided to stand in line. Good thing it wasn't much of a wait. Our heads were spinning with the choices that we have but at least they were all good ones especially the dessert ones. My friends were pretty shocked to see my dessert choices which I will save for future posts when I have the picture to be presented as evidence.

Our show was still at 10:30 so we had so much time to walk around the hotel. It was a good coincidence that Menardo, a classmate from high school was also in town together with his wife and officemates. So we all decided to meet up in Bellagio as well. It was great seeing him again. I think the last time I saw him was 7 years ago. We got introduced to his wife, Nova and of course the must thing to do had to be done - picture taking! LOL

After parting ways, we once again walked the trek back to Bally's in time for our show, Jubilee which was this classic Las Vegas show. The show was interesting to say the least. Chary said she was a bit distracted because of the costumes or lack thereof during some parts. Still, it was something new to see. After the show, we decided to find a place where we can just chill. Of course, women that we are, save for Tana it took awhile before we came up with the decision. We went to Paris to see what we can find. We found this little lounge with a live band (2 of the band members are Pinoy) in one corner decided that this was the place. Abigail decided to start the night by ordering a round of tequila in honor of the bride-to-be. Being that we are not exactly young like we used to be and don't drink as much as we used to, the shot was a bit strong for our liking. After tequila, we had a round of Midori Sours. After that needless to say we were all a bit happy and tipsy. We decided to call, actually Chary decided to call Chito, another friend who lives in the East Coast. By my calculation it was around 5:15 AM his time. I am pretty sure we roused him from his sleep. LOL But it was still great. By this time alcohol and then lack of sleep is already taking a toll. At around 3 we decided to call it a night...or should I say day. After saying our byes (Abby and Sandy slept at the hotel since they've got employee privileges) the rest of us headed for our home for the weekend. By this time and after 2 bottles of water, I was pretty much sober and awake so we ended talking some more. We finally went to bed around 5 as the sun was already about to rise.

Sunday - for some reasons I still woke up at 8:30 which means that I only slept for 3 hours! While my housemates were fast asleep I decided to start tidying the house up. No one really lives in that house. The only time there are people there is when my uncle and his family or family members feel like going to Vegas. Well, at least its better than having to pay a big amount for a hotel room used for just sleeping and taking a bath. We are going to meet Abby and Sandy for brunch before we start our drive back to L.A. The 3 ladies (Abby, Sandy and Rhyna) do not leave Vegas till Monday. On our way back to Bellagio for brunch we already saw the traffic that we would have to endure so Tana decided that it would be best if we wait it out which means we have time to go shopping at the outlet stores. We had some dimsum which was just right after that heavy dinner we had the previous night. We were all pretty excited to go shopping but our excitement soon waned because of the heat. It was so hot that the sun was pretty much taking out all our energy. We ended up just going to Banana Republic and just walked in and out of the other stores. After subjecting ourselves to that heat, we dropped off Abigail and Rhyna off at the hotel and on our way back to L.A. we go. Good thing we waited it out because the traffic wasn't so bad anymore again save for some parts. But then again that was just the after effect of the accident that happened early. It was close to 11 when I got home, my body drained of energy, my eyes begging for sleep and my brain not at all functioning but still glad for this weekend to be with friends and great company! Next stop April or August 2006 - Houston, Texas!

more pics updated 5/25

What's in the name?

It was one boring day at work so I decided to check out the meaning of my name and those of my siblings. I have received a good number of response about my name. I didn't use to get that much attention back in the Philippines but I do now. There are still the times when people misspell (i.e. Riza, Raiza, Raisa) and mispronounce my name. There are three ways that I know of "Rah-ee-za:, "Raye-za" or "Ray-za" Plus, there is also the question whether I am Russian. Which really surprises me because for one I do not think I look Russian at all. The only thing Russian with my name is that I share the name of the former First Lady of the Soviet Union who is Raisa Gorbachev. The only difference is she only has one "s" while I have two. LOL

When I was baptized, my dad was asked by the priest if he was not going to add a "Maria" before my name. My dad refused to do so because he didn't want me to be burdened by it later on. So, I ended up with just Raissa. According to my dad, he saw that name from a contributor of Time Magazine and decided way before I was born that he would name his child Raissa. I don't know if there is a connection that even at a young age I was already reading Time Magazine or it was just a mere coincidence. The one after me was another girl who was named Jehann. People always make a mistake in pronouncing her name. Some people say it as "Je-hann" when it is actually just one syllable. It came from Jihan who was the name of Anwar Sadat's wife, the President of Egypt I believe. My dad first wanted Vanessa but my mom vetoed it. At this point, there is Russian, then Egyptian. Our only brother was supposed to be named Marcelius but then again our mom vetoed it so it became Niccolo from Italy. He was named after Niccolo Machiavelli. Then our youngest sister who came 6 years after was named Camille which is French. I don't remember if there were any other names that they were considering. So now we have Russian, Egyptian, Italian and French. Aside from coming from other parts of the world, we all have double letters and we have short names. The most is only 7 letters.

For so many years that is all we know about our names. No one really thought of looking it up or something. But out of my boredom, I decided to search for the meanings of our names. I find out that there are more to our names than we know. My name for example was not originally Russian but French and means "thinker". Hmmmm... When I searched for Jehann's it came out with two results: originally Arabic meaning "the world" and French meaning the feminine form of Jean. My brother's was right though. It is indeed Italian and means "victorious; conqueror of the people" and dear baby sister Camille, like her Ate Jehann her name came out with two results: Latin meaning "virginal; unblemished character" and French meaning "free-born; noble". I got these meanings from http://www.parenthoodweb.com/babynames.html.

It has been said that parents will know what name to give their child when they see him or her. I do not know what our parents were thinking or feeling at that point which made them decide to give us our names. I was satisfied with the explanation that I used to give including the misconception of me being Russian. But now with this new information, I really do not know what to think of it just yet. Will I be able to live up to the meaning of my name? Or do I even have to? Does knowing give me knowledge or does it give me pressure? Or maybe I should just look at this new found edition the same way with what drove me to look it up in the first place...because it might be fun. How about you? Do you know what your name means?

1 hour & 10 minutes

This day has been annoyingly slow for me. I still have an hour and 10 minutes before I head out of this office. I really am not in the best conditions to work but I have to or else I will be left with a mountain of work to do when I come back from vacation. No way! So what have I done this day aside from "hardly working"?

* ate "Filipinos"! Nope! I have not resorted to cannibalism or eating my own people but these are amazingly good donut shaped chocolate cookies coated with white chocolate that a friend of mine gave me as "pasalubong" from Spain. Yummy!

* listening to music both OPM - MYMP yeah! and amazingly enough Korean music, usually the ones from the series that I have seen or will see. Yup, music is a universal language. Don't need to really understand it just feel. Though it would help if I know what it is about.

* browsing the web for a worthwhile thing to read, usually anything about Tacloban or Eastern Visayas. I think I am feeling a tad homesick and since I already spoke with my parents last night, I decided to get my cure from the web. I found a site that promotes the music of Eastern Visayas and I found this site musica waraynon, and discovered "Aila", which is pronounced as "ay la" short for "ayaw la". Amazing band. Love their songs especially "Away"!

* still on Leyte..I haven't been home in 7 years so I am pretty sure a lot has changed. I might even get lost already that's what my Dad said which I am sure will be the truth. Aside from getting lost, I probably would know fewer people. Though a number of my friends or at least people I know have stayed in Tacloban, most of my friends are either in Cebu, Manila or States. So I was checking out what's new in Tacloban and I came across this website for a bistro which I am sure my parents or my siblings have mentioned. calle zaragoza. Hmmm sounds promising and they have amazing food so that is one thing on my list to go to when I find myself home. I was browsing through the photo galleries and imagine my shock to see a familiar face after pages of people I don't recognize. It is Mano Lito Tuang, who is sort of an "adopted" child of my parents! Mano Lito

* aside from places to visit and people to see in Tacloban, the one thing that I will most definitely do is be at home. I miss our house! I miss Mana Mila's cooking. I miss our room! Everything! Most of all I will be with family who I miss the most! ::SIGH:: San-o daw la!

Insomnia

I really should be sleeping right now considering I still have work tomorrow or make it in 8 hours but I cannot seem to sleep early no matter how much I want to or try. This weekend will pass by again with me not getting enough sleep since I seem to always sleep late or early morning on weekends. Funny thing is I hardly go anywhere or do anything that would be a reason enough for me to stay awake till the early morning. Sleeping late should not be a problem if I can bring my butt to work on time. :blush: but nope. These past few weeks I have been late to work, not that much, like 30 minutes but still I am late. My bosses don't really mind but I feel bad so I guess starting Monday I really should make an effort to wake up early so I can be at work if not early, on time which means that I should force myself to sleep early.

On other things - it has been a running joke in my family when they tease me about my dislike for Con$t@ntine (just in case someone googles his name LOL I have no plans of getting the ire of his fans). Every Wednesday, my aunt and I visit my Lola at my uncle's house and aside from having dinner there, watching the American Idol result show has turned into a family affair. Being that, my relatives find it amusing to tease me about him because they know that I do not like him. If that makes any sense. I can't seem to explain why I don't like looking at his smug face on TV. At first he was okay but as the days passed by, he has started to annoy me. BUT, that being said, I feel though that him being booted off last Wednesday was a big injustice. I think Scott should have been booted before he did and I think he even was expecting it. I think that is just cruel since people are just prolonging his agony. Why he is still there is a mystery to me. It makes me wonder though who else are voting on American Idol. I vote and not once did Scott get my vote. Oh well, Tuesday is coming up, another round of competition, another round of voting and hopefully not another week of Scott being "safe".

I do not know if its mid-life crisis or my dad is just melodramatic but he has the worst mood swings ever. One day, he is displacing his frustrations with the world on us, the next he is the most attentive father. One day he complains of the many "gastos" and the next he comes home with a bagful of fishes for his pond and aquarium. Those fish don't come cheap mind you. We just try to understand him no matter how annoying and irritating he can be. My siblings and I joke around that it seems one of us has to gift them with grandchildren or at least a grandchild for now so that they can channel their attention to the little ones rather than on us. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Camille, is still far too young to even contemplate being a mom and single for the moment. Nicco has law school to finish and a girlfriend to have. Jehann has a boyfriend but is more focused on finding her career path than on giving our parents a grandchild. As for me, being that I am the oldest, I don't see that happening anytime soon. Heck, I cannot even take care of myself yet and I am going to drag another human being along. And ano yun "alien baby"? LOL I guess for the meantime my parents would have to do with Ethan, my cousin's son or their plants, fishes, aquarium and pond.

It's my friends, Chary and Rick's couple's shower this weekend. I cannot believe that in a month's time, one of my dearest friends is getting married. This is the first wedding in my small circle of friends that I will be able to attend. I was already in the US when some of my friends back home decided to get married so I was absent in those. I have known Chary and her twin sister Christy since first grade. It amazes people when they find out that Chary, Christy and I have remained friends all these time. Actually, it is not just the 3 of us who have kept in touch, I still keep in touch with all of my friends from grade school, especially the close ones. We may not see each other as often as we would want to but that has never been a reason for our friendship to vanish. Their friendship is such a blessing and a gift that I will treasure forever. I wouldn't dare make a shout-out to each and every one of them for fear that I might shut someone out. They know who they are and frankly I don't know how my life would be like had they not been in my life. After this weekend's couple's shower, we are going to Vegas for an all-girls weekend. Four of our girl friends are flying into Vegas to join us: Abigail and Sandy from Texas, Amy from New York and Rhyna from Indiana. It's going to be a weekend of shopping, spa, dinner and a show. Good, clean fun! I am so excited for that!

On a sad note, Dr. Raymundo Punongbayan was killed in a helicopter crash. He was the director of Philvolcs before his retirement, who catapulted to fame when he predicted the eruption of Mt. Pinatubo, a long dormant volcano in the mountain range of Central Luzon. He was working for the Philippine Red Cross during the time of his death. He was actually on the job when he was killed. I was always in awe of him. Which is strange since I was never been one into science. But he actually made the study of volcanoes so interesting. He could have ordered another official to survey volcanoes and other potential natural disasters but he chose to do them himself. He was indeed a scientist. I found out that he was a recipient of the Sergei Solviev Medal in 2002 for his exceptional research and skills. I read that he could have gone to a foreign country to be a consultant and be more than compensated after his retirement but he chose t0 stay in the Philippines and still be productive. Ever efficient, he was still able to email a comprehensive report to Richard Gordon before he met his untimely death. He will be a great loss to the country. RIP Dr. Raymundo Punongbayan!

Okay, I have to go to sleep now!

"I will jump with you!"

I was reading through my file of my journal entries when I chanced upon this entry written almost 2 years ago. I did not realize that where I am now, what I think now, what I feel now..I already thought of before, I just didn't realize it I guess. Some weeks back, my curious young cousins asked me why I wasn't married yet. I told them that back then I didn't know what I want and I felt I needed to find myself, get to know myself before I let someone in. Then another cousin asked if I know it now. Before I could realize it, I said YES. That answer got me thinking. Do I really? Am I ready? I mean, my life isn't as "settled" if that is the right word as I would want it to be. But, will it ever be settled? Does it have to be settled first before I can do other things? Someone told me before to just take a leap of faith, to just jump right into life rather than regret not doing it all. This may be a "huh" moment for some, but two days ago I was conversing with someone about skydiving and I was invited to try it. I said "I will ride a plane but not jump out of it". The reply is the title of this post. Some may take it literally, some may take it philosophically. I am looking at it now metaphorically. Maybe I am ready now to tell someone.."I will jump with you!" Maybe I do not need to jump by myself anymore. Maybe I do not have to jump by myself. That maybe someone is willing to take a risk with me. Maybe it is telling me that I can put my trust on someone. Or maybe I am just over-rationalizing things, misinterpreting things that really do not mean much. I do not know!

excerpt:
August 13, 2003

I think that whatever happened 3 years ago had to happen. Things indeed happen for a reason. I guess if we insisted on things then we would have ended up hurting ourselves and each other. I am not saying that this time will be “perfect”. There is no guarantee in life that things will always happen the way we would want it to be. Sometimes, we wonder why things didn’t happen, as we would want it or the way that we have planned it. Little did we know that the reason why it didn’t happen then is because we need time to mature, to grow up, to take time to really know if this is meant to be ours in the first place. Certain things happen when we least expect it; at times too, they happen when we most need it. Andrew Firestone was right; it’s all about timing. No matter how we feel that the emotion and person is right but if it happened at a point in our life when we are not ready for it, the emotion and the person becomes wrong. Is now the right timing? I really don’t know! I will know when I get there. I don’t even know if I am ready to be in a relationship. Part of me feels that I am but the other part is unsure. I am not dreading it but I am not going to lose breath over it either. I am not going to lose my mind over it. I will just let nature take its course I guess. I will not even force the issue. I will just let things happen if they are meant to happen. The thing is I feel that I am more mature, more prepared to be in a relationship than before. I know myself now that I will be smart about it. I am better prepared to face the pain and the sorrow as well as welcome the happiness that comes with it. I am more realistic in my approach to relationship and have realistic expectations and goals rather than spend all my energy trying to prove something to others as well as to myself.

Not surprised!

Got this from Aion

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Relief

It really does pay to have a law student for a brother or having an older brother for that matter. My sister's problem has been settled. I do not know the specifics yet but the most important thing is my sister and us, her siblings can now breathe a sigh of relief. Had this been not fixed, this will pose a BIG problem. Our parents have no clue that we found ourselves in this situation. My siblings and I vowed to fix the situation on our own without getting our parents, especially our father involved. So my lips are sealed regarding this matter. Good thing our parents are not technologically savvy enough to learn how to access this blog so there is no possible way that they will find out [crossing fingers]. If they do find out eventually well at least it is already after the fact. To my dear sister, I hope this serves as a "wake up call" for you! I promised your Kuya I won't scold you anymore so I am not saying anything more. I am sure he already gave you enough "sermon" to last you for the next school year!

I was amazed with the reaction I got with regard to my previous post. Two people were actually able to sense that I was pissed about the whole "dolphin" thing. I am kind of over it now and frankly I do not care anymore. LOL. It wasn't my intention to come out spiteful or miffed but I guess that was how it seemed like. Or maybe I was since I wrote the post with the rawest emotions possible. Oh well! Good thing too he doesn't read blogs.

To my cousin dear, sorry nasama ka! LOL I know you understand! And yes, we will look for that prom dress until we find what we are looking for or what you are looking for, whatever that is. And yes, we will have the long talk that is overdue this weekend. Maybe we would need some frappucinos to stay awake or red bean milk tea boba from Guppy. LOL That should be enough.

Disbelief

I cannot believe he gave out his dolphin artwork to a friend of his when I asked for it a long time ago. The nerve of him to say I never told him or he doesn't remember, well if he talked to me more often maybe he would have remembered. But it seems that the only time he does communicate with me is when he is bored to his wits, his ego needs some "pick me up" or he needs reassurance that he is on the right path, or when he gets stranded on a place due to his foolishness and had to walk the 4 miles or so home in the early morning by himself in an empty highway. He was lucky that time that I answered his missed call. If I had been like his other friends, he would be walking home alone. But being the nice person that I am, I called him back and stayed on the phone with him until he was safely home. Geez! I know I am being petty about the whole "dolphin" artwork but I so wanted it when he was about to throw it. It makes me think if my friends are indeed right that I am just way too nice to him. Maybe I should snap from looking at this whole situation which has now spanned 2 decades with rose-colored lenses. Frankly, it is getting tiring. Although, I am not anymore expecting anything to happen at all, still it's annoying. I am just going through the motions of it and see where it leads us. Sure it would be nice if he has a definitive place in my life but he is so indecisive and now he also gave away the artwork of his that I liked to someone else. Whatever! Nakakainis ka! I think life is telling me something. Maybe it is high time I listen to it!

I cannot believe that my cousin actually expects me to help her find her "dream" prom dress when she herself doesn't know what she wants. She has spent the past few weekends looking for it but with no success so now I have to help her since her mom pretty much gave up on her. Well, I not only have to help her but I want to help her. It would do her some good to attend her prom after all it's her last year of high school. It is only now that she is getting the whole experience I am not going to let some illusion of the "perfect" dress ruin it for her. If we won't be able to find the "perfect" dress then at least close to perfection is what we would have to settle with. If she has a problem with that, well too bad. She wants to go to prom, she would have to stick with whatever.

I cannot believe that some teachers think that by failing his/her students says something about him/her being a good teacher or not. I have had my shares of teachers who love terrorizing their students. It is actually their badge of honor to be known as the "terror" teachers. My sister's prick of a teacher in modelling failed her for reasons we do not know yet. He (the teacher) does not give feedbacks on his students' progress, he is irritated when students go to consult with him, and according to my sister he seems to be scowling all the time in class. There are only 10 people in this class and sometimes only 4 shows up. That says a lot on the kind of teacher one is. It seems that this teacher has some personal issues with the department because he feels that his class isn't given the importance that he deemed it deserves. Well, if that is the case bring the issue to the chairperson and not use his students to make a statement. He cannot and should not penalize his students for something that he has to take to the department head. According to the records, supposedly, my sister "over cut" but if that was the case then why bother allowing her and other classmates to continue on with the class and take their final exams. Why waste their time when they could have been focusing on other subjects that will be more compassionate to their whole well-being. Well she "cut" a couple of times because she was drowning with requirements for his class. Sure, it is my sister's fault that she may have not passed some projects on time but he should have told them so after or before the project was even submitted and not when its grade-giving time when students are at the mercy of their teachers. My sister worked so hard on this subject more than any subject to a point of exhaustion. She sometimes do not get to sleep finishing her projects on top of the demands of her other classes. She goes to school with little or no sleep at all. Due to this she got sick a lot of times during the last term and lost so much weight at an alarming rate, which made my mom worry. She even got sick during Finals week. And she suffered a relapse once she was back home in Tacloban. Students go to school to get an education, not to be driven to insanity. To top it off, while his students are languishing over the academic turmoil that he has put them in, he is in the States, probably having fun. If I know where he is here, I would hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind. Grrrrr!!!!

Hay! :: SIGH:: well, at least it pays to have a law student for a brother so they made an appeal letter to the department head. Not only does my sister have the suppport of my brother but also of 3 other law student friends of his as her legal team. LOL Technically, my brother and his friends are just entering their 4th year of law school but hey they are almost there. They know enough to appeal what a big injustice this is and how unfair it has been. Hopefully, things will work out fine.

Calls of the Wind

http://soulssonnet.blogspot.com

Finally...

After a long time of hoping and wishing for an event-free weekend, I finally had one last weekend. It was the first weekend with no planned family activities. I do not mind family things but it can really get tiring after some time. After my cousin's 18th birthday and celebration of my late Lolo's birthday, I just hoped for a weekend wherein I can do whatever I feel like doing or not do anything at all.

Small world

I met up with new-found friends (Isy & Raye) on Saturday. Just a day of eating, talking about movies we have watched (usually Filipino and Korean ones), series that we are obssessed with, and life. I met them through a fan community online and they are such a nice group of people. They made me feel welcomed right away. If my long-time friends will be asked, I was not the type who was very open or who befriends just about anyone. I have had the same friends since grade school and high school. But, lately I have met quite a few and found myself having a lot of things in common with them. Through blogging, I also have reconnected with a few people who were probably mere acquiantances in the past or faces in the crowd. It makes me wonder sometimes why didn't this happen when we could have talked face to face. Then I realized, I was a different person then than I am now. Or we just didn't seize the opportunity then or there was no opportunity at all. It's great to be able to have that opportunity now and grabbing it for we wouldn't know what we might be missing in our lives. There are also the people who I have not been properly introduced but I can relate to them and them to me. People come to our lives for a reason. The people that we meet along our journey introduces us to a new world. It is now a small world and its getting smaller by a second. We are interconnected with one another more than we know. I am just happy that I have gone out of my "comfort zone" had I not, I do not think I will evolve more as a person.

The Power Of Now

I bought a book last Saturday titled "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. (I wish I can put the link but Blogger won't let me for some reasons) I will admit that reading about the author from People Magazine was what made me get the book. I think it is so profound that one was able to find enlightenment from a rather sad point in his life and he is sharing it with whoever is willing to listen. I have not finished the book. But so far it has been quite interesting. I have not made notes from the book but there was one poignant message that he is trying to convey: that we think too much that we become a slave of our mind. That got me thinking but haven't had the change to really absorb the entire book or the pages that I have read so far. I may need to find my quiet place first before I can truly enjoy the book. I will discuss the book more in the future once I have grasp it fully.