Event Planning, cute niece & hollow feelings

I was on major "Type A" personality mode over the weekend planning for my grandmother's 85th birthday in August. This should have been started right after she celebrated her birthday last year but knowing my relatives they like to torture themselves by doing things at the last minute. Aside from doing things at the last minute, no one seems to be thinking about it and with the drama going on I sort of expected that. So I took it upon myself to start something. I told my older cousin about my idea and he agreed with me. Plus, I thought if it's us, cousins at the helm of it, di mag-iinarte ang mga kamag-anak ko. If I had the financial capability I would not ask for help but sadly I do not so we have to discuss it with my aunts and uncles. I am just glad that my cousin and I are on the same page on how we are going to go about it so it does not feel so overwhelming. Nakaka-inis lang because some of my relatives have been verbally told that we will take care of it but no, some still went behind our backs to look at places without notifying me or Kuya first. I appreciate the help but run it by me or by Kuya first before doing anything. If that wasn't enough, she made a comment that we have to be on it (as if we are not!) and that we don't have much time (we are VERY aware of it!).

My entire Saturday was spent calling possible venues for availability and for their menus. We have narrowed it to 2 places with 2 different dates but still in August. Now we just have to make a decision based on the menus and the budget of course. I made a summary of each venue from the menu choices to the taxes to the additional charges to payment policy. I read every fine print there was to make sure I have everything covered. Mahirap na ang maisahan! I just have to present all these to my aunts and uncles for final decision and it should be a go. But knowing my relatives' personalities, some of them would make it hard for us especially if its not convenient for them. We have anticipated that and we have contingent plans in place. If all else fail, Bahala sila sa buhay nila!

My niece, Angela Denise or as we call her "Ali Baba" is the cutest baby ever! She is only 14 months and she is so smart. She eats solid foods now and is always happy. She is low maintenance too. She is the youngest in the family right now so everyone's attention is on her with good reasons. She was so hyper last night that I was getting tired looking at her. But her showing me that smile I was not too tired anymore. Looking at her, I feel my maternal instincts kicking in. Sure, I am at the age already to have a child but I am not sure if I have the emotional, spiritual and financial capability to be responsible for another human being. Add to that, I think I would need another person to be able to bring a child into this world and he is nowhere at this point in time. So I guess "my own" Ali Baba would just have to wait.

I have been hearing about "hollow feeling" this past week from a friend but I do not fully grasp what it really means. Sure, I may have an idea what it must be like but I don't think I really know how it feels like until these past few days. My youngest sister had to be admitted to the hospital because her platelets were scaringly low even for an adult. She had to be monitored that's why she had to be admitted. I felt sick when I found out that Camille was going to be hospitalized. It is just her and my brother in Manila. Bless my brother for knowing what to do. My parents were in Cebu watching The Lettermen concert on Monday and stayed for the night. They took the Super Cat from Cebu to Ormoc early morning Tuesday. They were met in Ormoc by our car to go home to Tacloban and that afternoon flew to Manila to be with my brother and sister. They spent the entire Tuesday traveling by all the means: sea, land and air. Good thing, my brother was there to look after my sister before our parents got there. These whole time Papa was keeping my sister and I updated through text messages. The suspicion was dengue fever but gladly it was ruled out. She had systemic viral infection. I would not be surprised that her body is shutting down on her since she hardly eats and sometimes would go to school with no sleep. She was soon discharged when her platelets went back to normal but now she had to be brought back to her doctor since she would vomit each time she would eat. I do not know yet what the results are. I just hope its nothing more than a really good rest would heal.

Valentine's came early

First some sad news, Bro. Andrew Gonzalez, FSC has passed away. He died of a lingering illness. Bro. Andrew was the president of DLSU when I was in college. I remember him as this jolly man who would roam the halls of the university with a ready smile. It would have been so intimidating to pass him in the halls but that was never the case with him. He greeted each student with a smile and when time permitted would engage in conversation with some. He will surely be missed.

Out on a date

To many it may look like a sad, pathetic sight. But to me it was a much needed respite from the noise-infested world that has enveloped me these past few days.

I took Friday off to go to my Optometrist for a much needed and scheduled eye exam. After three years of my vision being stable, it has increased dramatically. My right eye increased by a 100 and my left eye increased by 75. Not good but at least I have an answer now to the constant headaches and blurredness in vision that I have been having. Working in the medical field I think makes one a hypochondriac that when I was having all these headaches my mind went into overdrive and its scary. Well at least now I know that its nothing more than a little adjustment in my vision prescription to correct.

I also took it as the time to spend some time with myself. I realized I have not done it in awhile and I really need one at this point. Surprisingly and a good thing that I wasn't much in the mood for some retail therapy. Just walking around was enough for me that day. Since I had time to spare I had lunch at CPK and watched a movie all by myself. It is not like this is all new to me. I have done this before even when I was back in Manila. I watched movies by myself and I see nothing wrong with that but it seems some people think differently. But then again, its my life and I chose to live it the way I want to.

At CPK, I was given a table by the window. I will admit it kind of felt odd at first to be the person sitting by herself in that particular area of the restaurant. I was in clear view of everyone. As I wait for my food to arrive, I watched people on their way in and out of the mall. I am sure some of them noticed me too and who knows what they were thinking. It would have been less obvious if I sat at the bar. But the initial feelings soon subsided. To pass the time, I made an attempt to start writing again. The situation I was in would have been a good subject to start on but alas I could only write a few lines and some didn't even make any sense. I guess I didn't want to do anything else but bask in the peace that I found amidst the bustle that was lunch hour. It actually made me smile and God knows how much I needed that. So thank you God!

The end of a saga but the start of a new one

I have been following Jeff's blog since the time I found out about it from Gail's and that was probably some time last year. It was a chronicle of Jeff's feelings for his sister's bestfriend, Marga, who only sees him as "kuya". He was so open about his feelings that at some point, I wondered if all that was written were even real. Who knows if this guy was just a really good writer because he sure is one. But the events became real with every post. How many guys do I know who are as open as Jeff was about his feelings. It leaves you to wonder if such a guy still exists in this world and at the same time hope that maybe he still does exist. It is amazing how I got "attached" to this story that when he was initially rejected, I felt for him when I knew nothing about this guy outside of his blog. I guess it was but fitting to be happy for him when after some time things turned out well for him. He is no longer "kuya" Jeff. The whole saga was capped beautifully by having Marga write the latest update. It is just saddening though because since the saga has ended and he need not set her free anymore, it also means the end the blog. Unless of course they take into consideration that title I suggested at one point. I wish them all the best and I hope I get the chance to meet them at one point in this lifetime, to put a face on the people whose lives I have followed for some time.

Jeff thanked his readers and beside my name he wrote that I was the one who suggested that he should "set himself free". I guess it worked because when he did that's when she came back. How is it that it is easier to dish out the very same advice to someone that we should be directing to ourselves? I think each person has their own individual saga and wishes to find its end eventually. If its going to end the same way as Jeff's did who knows but I guess any end would be better than not knowing at all and just be left to wonder.

It's that time again

Can I fill out an application?

Huh? Ano daw?

That's all I could say when this guy I met on the bus last Wednesday on the way to work asked if he could fill out an application to be my boyfriend. No, this is not some stranger that I met for the first time asking. I have met him before on the same bus ride and he struck a conversation with me. Actually asked if I was interested in watching the AndrewE concert because he was selling tickets. Uhm, No! But see this is where I should slap myself because instead of telling the guy flat out no, I told him maybe so he got my contact number which I gave. Another one deserving a big hit in the head. But since I didn't save his number so when he would call it would appear as some random number on my phone and when that happens I don't usually pick up. More if it registers as a "private number". Telemarketers have masked their numbers like this and I have learned my lesson. So even if you are a relative of mine but if your number comes out as private, expect that I won't pick up my phone. Anyway, going back, after that initial meeting, I had the misfortune of being in the same bus as he was again. He asked why I never picked up before. I made some excuse of sorts that I was busy and had tons of work. It really wasn't a total lie. He told me that AprilBoyRegino is having a concert and if I want to watch because he was selling tickets. I really want to gag by now. Uhm, No! Did I learn my lesson? No! I didn't flat out say no that I don't want to. So now he expects me to give him an answer by this weekend but I already have an excuse ready.

See, this is one of my faults I tend to be PC a lot of times. I fear karma that even if I really want to gag and shut the door in someone's face, I don't. I wouldn't. Until of course if the other person is so dense not to take the hint after some time then that becomes a different story. I didn't want to talk to him so I kept reading the magazine that I had with me - Newsweek with BodeMiller on the cover. BodeMiller is far more interesting! He sort of got the hint that I wasn't in the mood to talk. But I guess he thought it wouldn't hurt to try again that is when he asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no! (why the hell didn't I lie?). Bakit wala? I just shrugged my shoulders. It is none of his business. The next thing that came out of his mouth was.. "puwedeng mag-fill out ng application?" WTF?? What am I? a job opening? I just didn't say anything. The guy probably thought he was being funny or cute when I just felt like hurling whatever I was holding at him. I didn't want to get arrested so I went back to BodeMiller. Now he is cute!

People have wondered why I still do not have a boyfriend or at least seeing someone especially here. That's just it, especially HERE! It doesn't mean that just because I am in the "land of milk and honey" my prospects have become better. They have not! I actually have met probably the oddest people ever. The "guy on the bus" is just one of them.

There is this one guy who was the neighbor of my uncle's. I do not know what gave my uncle an idea to ask me if he could give "neighbor guy" my number but I said it was fine. His parents belonged to the same charismatic group as my aunts and uncles so I guess he should be fine. Well, he was for some time. I was just talking to him on the phone. It was short at first since not long after he was given my number he went to the Philippines for a vacation. Since it would be his first time going home, I took it upon myself to point out the best points of the Philippines. He seemed interested in finding out more about the country so I became an unofficial member of WOW Philippines. I think it was my duty as a Filipino to promote the Philippines. When he came back I asked how his vacation was and he said he enjoyed it. While he was away, my cousins found out that their dad gave my number to "neighbor guy". Their reaction? They all said "ewww". I thought my cousins were just being mean. So I ignored it. We have been talking on and off for a month when he asked when we could meet. Call me paranoid but I really don't feel like meeting some random person somewhere by myself even though we have been talking. So I told him that I am pretty much always at my uncle's house. Maybe one of the days I am there we could meet. I wouldn't have minded that arrangement until he said "okay when you are at your uncle's house, ring our doorbell and I will open the door for you!" Huh?! Ano daw? Excuse me! Who does this guy think he is? That was the end of it.

I find weddings fun or so I thought when I went to my cousin's wedding. Well, her wedding was still fun because it was the first time I saw my uncles all drunk and making fools of themselves. I was minding my own business, having fun with my other cousins when this guy asked me to dance. He was from the groom's side. He actually had potential until I discovered he was gay. Okay! So I danced with him when all a sudden this girl from the pair that was dancing beside us said "Oh can we switch?" All perky and giddy which I have to admit scared me. It turned out that the guy who really wanted to dance with me was her partner and he just asked this other guy to ask me. I was beyond shock that I couldn't say anything. What is this, high school? I didn't want to be rude since he was the groom's cousin. I had no intention of starting a war between the two families on this day that my cousin and her groom were just united. And this happened two more times. So I danced with him, after one song I would complain that my feet hurt and that I didn't want to dance anymore. Both the truth and an excuse. It happened more than one time. He lived in Arizona and he couldn't believe that I was a few years older. I also couldn't believe how shorter he was compared to me and I am short and that he had highlights in his hair. In one of my excuses I thought he would go to his corner of the room - where all the groom's relatives are while I go to mine which is in the other side. But he had an idea to sit at our table and continue whatever it was that we were talking about much to my dismay. He asked for my number which I gave. I could have given him a wrong number but again didn't want to be rude and plus he could still get my number from my cousin. During in what I have decided would be the last dance with him because (1) I don't want to give him the wrong idea; (2) he was getting too close for comfort and (3) he was drunk from the open bar, he mentioned that he was returning to Arizona the next day. Fine by me! Then he told me, "give me a reason to come to California!" "Huh?! Ano daw?" I replied, "uhm, your family?" What did this guy expect me to say? He called and I spoke with him a few times after that then I think he got the message when I started making excuses to cut short our conversation. Plus, we pretty much talked about the same thing in our conversations...himself.

Maybe I am being overly picky or I have super high standards but am I not entitled to that? My rationale is I must start it high so that when I need to lower them, they would still be a bit high. Besides, my standards are really not that out of this world. I want someone who would respect my individuality. Someone secure enough in his own skin that nothing fazes him. Someone who would open new worlds to me. Someone I can stay all day having a conversation with - talking about anything and everything under the sun. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who would take the chance to get to know the "me" beyond what he sees. Someone who would stump me when I need to be. Someone who would challenge me to want to be better. Is that too much to ask?

You made us proud Pacquiao!

I decided to go to an anticipated mass with my aunt on Saturday with intentions to either stay in on Sunday or watch a movie. Saturday night was the Pacquiao-Morales fight and I knew that there was going to be a viewing party at my uncle's house. I knew for sure my aunt isn't into boxing so I didn't think we would go. But I told her about it and surprisingly she said that we would proceed there after mass. The church was almost empty. There were only a few people who went to mass that night. I figured since a lot of the parishioners are Filipinos, they didn't go to mass that Saturday night and will just go on Sunday.

We got to my uncle's house and there were already so many people. I come from a large family so that wasn't much of a shock to me. It was already the end of round 3 when we got there. Everyone's eyes were fixated to the tv so we helped ourselves to some dinner. Why I even thought I would be able to eat while the fight was going on is beyond me. I feared I was going to get indigestion because I would take a bite and then position myself infront of the tv as well. My hunger evaporated with all the excitement. The first few rounds were nerve-wracking. Morales were getting the points and it seemed that all his punches were connecting. But we had to have faith in Pacquiao and he sure didn't disappoint. The next rounds were just great! I am not a big fan of boxing but Pacquiao is one good reason to enjoy it and be proud of being Filipino. By round 8 or 9, it was evident that Morales was getting tired while Pacquiao was just pumped up. My uncle and I were discussing that he wouldn't even back away when he would get hit by Morales. He was taking it all in. Amazing! Then that round 10 is still a blur until now. The first time Morales fell to the canvas, the whole house erupted in cheer. Sure it was shortlived since he was able to bring himself up but by the 2nd fall, everyone just went crazy. Everyone was jumping for joy, shouting, and high-fives all around. We could only imagine how it was like in the other Filipino homes and in the Philippines. For that brief moment, all Filipinos were one. It was heartwarming to see Pacquiao thanking his fellow Filipinos and said that he was doing this for his country. He mentioned something that stuck with me, about his win he said that it means "great power but it also comes with great responsibility." Imagine if all our politicians had the same line of thinking.

Even the best laid out plans can still change. Earlier I was planning of staying in on Sunday but my cousins and I decided to get some Japanese food since we have been craving for it too. They teased me that it would be my treat. I do not mind paying as long as its for food and besides its not as if the entire clan is coming. It would only be a few of us like 10 so it wouldn't be so bad. Kuya Gerry wanted for a long time to eat at Kabuki Japanese Restaurant and its been awhile since I last ate there. So, I forego my plans of doing nothing to spending time with my cousins. Not a tough choice to make. Since I already went to church I just waited for them to pick me up after they have gone to mass. Being that it was a weekend, Kabuki is not taking reservations. But I figured my cousins were going to the 12:15 PM mass, it would already be around 2:30 PM by the time we get to have lunch meaning the restaurant wont be busy anymore. But by that time it also meant that all of us are going to be so hungry. Hindi lang mag-asawang gutom kundi me anak na! True enough it was easy getting a table and not long were feasting on tuna sashimi, sushi, gyoza, crab salad, fried tofu, ginger shrimp on crispy rice, sukiyaki, shrimp tempura and chicken teriyaki. All that for 6 adults and 2 kids ages 7 and 13 months. To say that we were full was an understatement. We knew we had to walk around the area where the restaurant in Cerritos was. Good thing there was Goldilocks and Target to go to.

After all that food, one would think that would be it for us for the day. Nope, we still had other plans. The whole point why we felt the need to walk around was not only because we were full but also so we could have some space in our stomachs for dessert. Despite the cold weather, ice cream was our choice for dessert. We headed to Coldstone Creamery for some ice cream. We didn't get one big ice cream to share with everyone but we actually ordered one for each one of us. Either we are one crazy bunch or suckers for some torture because it was a windy and cold night. It was a happy and fun night though.

Bamboo pillow - who knew?

Friday was the surprise birthday party for my uncle. It was hard keeping the surprise from him but it was worth it. I took the afternoon off to be at the hall early to help in the decoration. The picture is of the centerpiece that an aunt made for the party. The earlier plans included me having to say something during the program since I was the one who came up with what all cousins call him now and that's "Pabo" which is short for Papa Kalbo since back then he already had a receding hairline. I called his wife, my aunt "Mama Aba" which is short for Mama Taba. I really don't know how or why I came to call them that. I don't have much recollection of it. But, people said that it came from me so I guess I will take the credit. When I was younger, we all lived at the house above the bakery of my maternal grandparents. I was told that I started calling him that to distinguish him from Papa - my real dad. At the time of the party, my cousin forgot to call me much to my relief. I didn't mind talking but I wasn't able to prepare anything. I was ready to just wing it if and when I was called but that didn't happen. They were excited to start with the dancing so the program was shortened.

Up until the last minute, I still have not decided what I was going to wear. I had 5 options. My first option was to wear all black - lace skirt and shell sleeveless shirt and to wear a pearl necklace and gold shoes as accessories. I am pretty superstitious about wearing black to birthday parties so I was having doubts about it. My other options were this turquoise dress, this royal blue dress that I just picked up that day or a blue skirt and red blouse. I tried to veer away from the black but at the end of the day I still went back to my first choice. I think I read it somewhere that the first choice is always the best or something. It turned out well I guess. My shoes were kind of high but surprisingly it was comfortable.

I was exhausted the following day that instead of sleeping over at my aunt's house which I always do on weekends, I decided to stay in and rest. My aunt and uncle left for Vegas so it was just going to be my aunt and myself. I planned to do nothing but rest but surprise of all surprise I had this want to all of a sudden fix the clutter in my room. My books and magazines, though in shelves were all mixed up. I decided to fix them and threw away the magazines that I don't think I would be reading anymore. I also fixed my bed, had this insane idea to move around my full size bed all by myself. It would have been easy if only my bed part of a bunk bed. The ladder to the top bed was in the way. But I was able to manage just fine eventually. Cleaning my room was actually a good thing. I think there is some parallelism between our rooms and our life. I felt that my life was starting to be full of clutter and chaotic much like how my room was turning to look like. It felt good having things in their right places. I just hope things would be easy to find since when I fix my things I end up not finding some of my stuff later on. I may have hid them so well that I myself am not able to find them.

With my room fixed, I realized I was in dire need of new pillows. My pillow was so flat that it was starting to be uncomfortable. I didn't realize that there would be so many different kinds of pillows. I only knew of 2 - the cotton and the feather one, the density- soft, medium or firm, that's it. When I was looking for pillows, I was met by a whole barrage of choices: side, stomach, plush, down, feather, shapeable, aller-free, and strangely bamboo. I don't like soft pillows and among the choices the only firm one was the bamboo. It said that the fabric of the shell was made from fibers derived from bamboo. It was naturally smooth and eco-friendly at that. I liked it because it was the right density that I wanted and that was enough for me. I didn't expect to be so ecstatic over pillows but I was. Maybe it's just my imagination but I am actually sleeping better with my new pillows...

and these companions

Overdue post

This is the condition that met us on our way to Vegas during the New Year weekend.

Since it was a long a weekend and my uncle whose house where we usually celebrate New Year's eve at was vacationing in the Philippines, some of my family decided to drive out to Vegas. It seems if one lives in California, Vegas is the place to be to meet the new year which translates to traffic jams and difficulty getting hotel accommodations. Good for us, we decided to leave on Saturday after lunch when almost everyone left on Friday. I could have gone with some of my relatives when they went on Friday but I waited for my cousin and his family, my aunt and my sister since they still had work. They needed my "navigation skills" since among all of us, I have been to Vegas the most times. It was actually better because I didn't ride with my cousins. Don't get me wrong, I like my cousins but they are not particularly the kind of people I would want to go on a road trip with. For one thing, they get bored easily and when they do, they tend to bother me. Long drives are my opportunity to zone out, "mag muni-muni" and I cannot do that when they constantly ask me irrelevant questions just so they will be amused. Plus, all 7 of us fit perfectly and comfortably in the van. As for the hotel accommodations, my uncle has a house so that covered it.

We knew beforehand that the forecast was going to be rain for that weekend but we didn't think it would be this much which made the roads hard to trek. My cousin, who was driving already made the decision that if the conditions worsened and it would be traffic, we would forego our plans. Fine by me since I already knew that we would not be able to make it on time to be able to get into the strip (street where almost all the hotels are at). For security reasons, they close off the strip at 6PM until 4 AM. If we want to go, we would have to park far and walk towards the strip.

So what did I do in Vegas? Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Unless you consider sleeping and eating. Unlike the new years past, this was rather low key and quiet. It was okay at least I had family around. My uncle's house was pretty big enough to accommodate all 30 of us who decided to go with a lot of room to spare. They just moved in so it was pretty much empty save for the dining table. We get to pick where we can lay out our sleeping bags to sleep. We waited until midnight for the countdown, ate then too tired from the drive, I slept.

If sleeping arrangements wasn't a problem, the bathroom was another thing. There were 30 of us, 3 bathrooms and one of them didn't have hot water. Yikes! The easy solution would be some of us waking up early and using the 2 functional bathrooms. That was done but it still wont be enough in order for all of us to be ready by noon to go to church and lunch with another uncle's house. I decided to make use of my "training" coming from a province battered often by typhoons and lack of water. The last bathroom had hot water from the sink but not in the shower. So what did I do? Thank goodness for being Filipinos so no bathroom is without a pail and a "tabo", I made use of that. I got hot water from the sink, save in it a pail and took a shower. The others realizing how much time its going to take before they can have their turn in the other bathrooms, followed what I did. Now we were all ready in time with some to spare.

I felt silly though. Here I am, in what should be a technologically advanced country and I am using survival skills of a developing country. But I guess I should be thankful that I learned those skills because I was able to tap into them when I needed to. When the situation called for some improvisation, I was able to think of something. Imagine if my cousins were faced with that situation, I wonder what they would have done. I think they will be lost. Much like when there was a blackout one time and my cousin just had to rouse me from my sleep to tell me that there was no power and asked what we usually do back in the Philippines. I told her "we sleep" and that I did, letting her decide what she wants to do. What else can you do but deal with it and live around it. That's what I did at that particular time and what a relief and time-save it was.

After dinner at yet another uncle's house, the 7 of us drove back to California since they had work on the 2nd. Looking back, we actually just went to Vegas to sleep and eat.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Have a safe and blissful celebration!

Funny Day

On Christmas Eve, my aunt woke me up asking for help in packing the box that she was sending to my uncle in Chicago. I was still in a daze so I wasn't so sure if I was just dreaming it or she was really asking me. Taking my chances, I went downstairs and true enough she needed help. She asked if I could go with her to drop off the box at my cousin's in-law's house who would be bringing the box to Chicago. I threw on a jacket over my pajamas, put on my shoes and off we go. After dropping off the box, my aunt said if we could go to Honey Baked Ham to buy the ham for our dinner. The plan was for me to stay in the car while she goes in to buy it. But that wasn't the case since when we got to the store there was a long line and there was still 30 minutes before the store opens. So my aunt drops me off to fall in line while she parks the car. Then it hit me that I was in my pajamas. I decided that if I wasn't going to make a big fuzz about it, maybe people wont notice. Besides there was only one other person there who would have probably noticed it - the guy before me who was probably a Filipino. My aunt joined me in the line and we were talking in Tagalog then switched to Waray which is our dialect. She overheard the guy before us say "ay Bisaya pala" which prompted my aunt to ask him if he was Filipino. He was like "no, I am Waray!" That made the three of us laugh and to make the world smaller, he turned out to be my aunt's co-worker and he knows all of my aunts and uncles. He also went to the same high school as I did, so many years before me though. Having to wait in line wasn't so bad anymore despite of the cold weather. He did notice my pajamas and I just shrugged, what more can I do. My aunt commented that my cousin goes to school in her pajamas. True, she does but at least hers was plaid and in their school colors not like mine.

In no time the store opened but by this time, the line has grown long which was just a revelation to us. We were just waiting for our turn when all of a sudden this guy in shorts, a few people before us turned to me and asked "are you in your pajamas?" I nodded with a smile. He followed that question with a "just your pajamas?". What can I say I just nodded. Then the lady with them was like, "I kind of thought so!" Okay by the now I was growing conscious of my attire. If that wasn't bad enough, when a store employee came out to hand out some samples, the same guy turned to her and said, "did you notice she is in her pajamas?" pointing at me. The lady just nodded in agreement. Great, now the entire population at the store knows. By now, I felt like hitting this man. He was already strike 2 with me. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief because by now we were already inside the store. Not long we will be getting our ham and be out of here. I thought I have heard the last of it when I heard the SAME man who was in another line say, "she is in her pajamas!" with matching fingers pointing at me. Great! Just great! This man is strike 3 already. I just didn't pay attention to him. My aunt and I just laughed. If I wasn't conscious before now I was. I actually felt like everyone who were still in line were looking at my pajamas when we left the store. Oh well, like my cousin said what are the odds of them seeing me again. Besides, I don't think they will remember me without the pajamas. Its just a good thing that I didn't wear these slippers of mine to the store. Imagine that. =)

It was fine I guess that I was the joke of the day for some people. I used the same one to cheer my mom up when she was all emotional when my sister and I spoke to her. If only for that, I am glad I wore my pajamas outside.

Completed

I was able to complete the 9 day Simbang gabi masses and I have a certificate to prove it. =)

The pastors at Holy Family Catholic Church thought it would be nice to hand out certificates to those who were able to complete the 9 day novena. It was such a surprise which was accepted warmly. The certificate was a nice gesture and the 9 daily themes were printed on it as well. Those who were not able to complete it didn't go home empty-handed since the parish handed out bookmarks with a prayer written by John Paul II in the back which Father Johnny is encouraging every family to pray every night.

From the very start, I decided that I was going to make an effort to complete the simbang gabi. I am not sure what my motivation was because definitely it wasn't an easy thing to do. But I guess once it has been started, the intention for following it through was there. It was a nice feeling to be able to accomplish something like this and for that to be acknowledged was such a gift.

Going into the simbang gabi, I really didn't have much expectations or intentions or promises. At first I guess it was more of touching base with something Filipino when one has been deprived of it for some time. It was a tradition that I have missed greatly and wanted to be part of once again. I went there with no major petition to ask or prayer to be answered. I think more than anything, I went there in thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for the year that has been and for the year to come. The past year may not have been the best, but it wasn't the worst either. But I am grateful that I was able to weather it all and came out stronger, with lessons learned. I may not know what those lessons are at this point but I am a firm believer that things will fall into place in their own time. I already lived through the past and learned from it. I have no idea what the future brings, I can only anticipate and prepare. The one thing that I only know is NOW and even that may not be something we would want for ourselves but nevertheless thrown at us to face. Even if that is the case, I am and will still be thankful because I know I won't be alone in facing whatever it is that will be thrown my way. I have amazing and loving parents, crazy, supportive and protective siblings, a large extended family, old and new friends. How can you go wrong with a suppport system like that?

It was a bit overcast today and was a picture of gloom. I prefer not to dampen the holiday spirit. So in lieu of the picture of the sky, I am sending your way warm wishes.

MALIGAYANG PASKO

MERRY CHRISTMAS

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Almost

I thought I was going to miss Simbang gabi today. It's the 8th mass. I have come a long way only to miss it now. Thankfully, I didn't. I was able to wake up on time and thanks to my uncle for waking me up.

I think my lack of sleep is catching up on me now. I was the classic, "masandal lang tulog na" last night at my uncle's house. After dinner, I was sitting on the couch and before I knew it, my aunt and I were already leaving and they already finished the movie that they were watching. (I think "Something about Mary"). I was out for probably an hour or so. I couldn't keep my eyes open no matter how much I tried. I still can't keep my eyes open now but I am managing.

My left eye feels funny. The sensation is not of pain but more like "heaviness". I don't know if its because I lack sleep or I have slept wearing my contact lenses far too many times. I didn't sleep wearing them last night but a few days and weeks past yes. Or maybe my prescription has gone up. The grade of my left eye is already higher than the right as it is, maybe its a lot higher now. Or maybe my eyes are just tired and it's telling me to sleep early tonight and don't wear my contacts for the meantime. I am wearing my glasses today so my eyes could rest plus it pays to work at a medical clinic, I have medicine that worked for me a few months ago when the same thing happened. I can do it again, with doctor's consultation of course.

This was the sky today...

December 22, 2005

I AM DONE!

with my Christmas shopping!

Yay! I finished everything in one weekend. Good thing, I took advantage of the day off that my boss told to me to take. I took Friday off and it sure jumpstarted my weekend. Since I attend Simbang Gabi at 5:30 AM, I was already out of the house and ready to hit the stores by 9:00AM which is the time that most of the stores open. I always prefer and to go to malls or stores early in that way I beat the rush. Plus, stores are still in order and neat and sales associates aren't so cranky and stressed out.

Having a lot of people to buy presents for like myself isnt't easy. I have pretty much 30 names on my list and that is only my cousins, nephews & nieces. Friends and other relatives are not even in that list yet. When I make a list I separate the girls and the guys and I arrange them according to age. Kind of OC-ish but it makes it easier for me. What I usually do is buy the same thing for those in the same age group. Less decisions to make means less time mulling in a store on what would be a good gift to give to a specific person. It may sound a bit impersonal but I think kids are still "mababaw" in some sense that as long as they are opening something, they are happy. Besides, if they want something expensive that is their parents' responsibility not mine =) As long as I gave them a little something. Actually it is from my sister and myself.

I just realized that I have pretty much bought everyone something but I have not bought anything for myself that is not counting the dress I bought for Christmas. Had one of those dresses fit me, I don't think I would be buying a dress at all. Technically, I didn't even buy a dress, I bought 2 dressy tops. There were not a lot of styles to my liking so I may just have to do with one of the dressy tops paired with either a skirt or trousers already in my closet. Just spruce it up with some cool accessories.

Speaking if accessories, I had a "crazy" episode at Forever 21. I went there Friday with my sister and I saw this strand of pearl-like beads that I think would really look nice with the top I have decided to wear. The bad thing was, it was broken, according to the sales associate and it didn't have the barcodes, meaning it can't be scanned, meaning she has no clue what the price is. I let it go with a heavy heart. I actually didn't care that it was broken because I liked it the way it is - one long string. I was thinking of making it look like a lariat but if there was no price how can I buy it. The cashier didn't seem like she was in the mood to search for the price so I left the store. But the entire day, that piece of necklace was in my mind until Saturday. I could have gone back for it on Saturday but my sister and I had our respective "ME" days by having a facial and for me plus a hair appointment which pretty much ate up our entire day. Sunday, I just couldn't let it go, I went back into the store and tried looking for it but it wasn't there anymore. There is really nothing special about it but I just wanted it. I could have gone to a craft store, got a pack of beads and strung them myself. But I don't have the luxury of time to do it. I was hoping that they realize it really wasn't broken and they will put a price on it but nope. I guess they cleaned out the table and got rid of all the broken ones. There were another string of beads, a lot smaller. It was a lot smaller but it had the price. I got it with the intention of tearing it apart and making it into what I wanted it to be - like the one I saw that Friday. As I was paying, I noticed the bins of accessories behind the cashier and my eyes spotted the very same necklace I wanted. I actually asked her to dig into the bin (it was shallow) to look for it. I thought, maybe she could give me the bin and let me fish it out. Nope, she chose the harder way and rummaged through it as I kept referring to it as "that one". She finally was able to get it and once again told me, its broken, there is no clasp. I had to tell her that weird as it sounds, I actually want it broken and I was willing to pay even the full price just so they will give it to me. Yes, I was that desperate and crazy. I dont think its going to be that expensive anyway. She asked the manager about it and the manager said since I was buying 2, she can give them to me like a "buy one, get one" thing. I said fine. Since there was no price at all, they just followed the price of the necklace I was going to end up getting since I didn't have this. Since I got what I wanted, there was no need for me to get the other ones.

I was happy by now:

what they look like

• I was able to get something for everyone in my list
• I have something to wear for Christmas
• I have the necklace I wanted.

The only thing left for me to do was wrap those presents which I was able to do Sunday night. YAY!!! Granted that I wasn't able to wrap everything, at least I did more than half. I think I only have like 19 presents to wrap so it is not so bad.

Now I have more time to relax, plan the games for Christmas eve and wait for the day.

Ika-anim ng Disyembre

simula na ng SIMBANG GABI!

Well this year, it started on the 15th to the 23rd. Holy Family Catholic Church in Artesia decided to start early so as not to confuse Simbang gabi with the Filipino Mass that is going to be held on the 24th at 7:oo PM.

Unlike in the Philippines where simbang gabi is at 4:30, it is an hour later here. Looking at it, it really isn't a big difference but the thing is before last year simbang gabi was held at night. I was able to complete it once before but I was still back home and it was much more accessible and easier to go. I have been wanting to complete it again but the odds were against me until this year. I went to my 7th mass this morning, 2 more and I completed it. It isn't easy. For one thing, I am not a morning person. Had there not been simbang gabi I wouldn't wake up until 7 or 7:30 to go to work. But now, I wake up at 3:30 and the most is 4. It is quite too early for the 5:30 mass considering that the church is just a mere 10 minutes away. The thing is, I have to take a shower before my aunt does or else I wont be able to that is the reason behind setting my alarm clock at 3:30. I thought it would be so difficult for me to wake up. But surprisingly, the opposite happened and this is coming from someone who probably presses the snooze button more than I should. Sometimes I even wake up before my alarm clock sounds off. I wake up earlier but my sleeping time stays the same. I pretty much just get close to 4 hours of sleep each night. My eyes are tired, yes! I have lost count of how many times I yawn in the course of the day. But my energy hasn't wavered. I am as alert as if I was able to get a full nights sleep.

Every day, the church is full of people not at all bothered by the fact that its really early in the morning and it can be very cold as well. The crowd is a mix of Filipinos, both parishioners and non-parishioners and even non-Filipinos have attended and to think that the entire mass is said in Filipino. There is a mass guide that is provided with the flow of the mass in both Filipino and English but readings, gospels and homilies are said in Filipino. I guess the person beside them is helping in the translation. Aside from being able to experience simbang gabi as if all of us were back home, right after all the masses, there is a "salo-salo". Food is being prepared by the different religious groups of the parish and shared with everyone. Here, people get to know each other, discuss the theme of the day or just share jokes. Someone from Tacloban actually recognized me during one of those. Even the priests join in and make sure to meet and greet each and everyone that came. By the 6th mass, Fr. Johnny, the pastor already knew me and even asked if I was already on my way to work. I was. Should I rethink going to confession there now? =) Not at all.

It was said that the intentions of whoever is able to complete the 9 days will be granted. I knew about this and yes I have my own personal intentions but it is not the sole reason why I wake up early each morning to go to mass. According to the Archdiocese of Manila website, it is not in the quantity of masses that one attended but what matters most is the disposition of the person who receives the blessing. I believe this. Sure it would be nice if my intentions would be granted but more than that I think after the 9 masses, I hope I would have a better understanding of my faith, of my place in this world and what is being asked of me. No, I am not all of a sudden going to turn into this "super person" doing everything but do something within my own life what I feel and think I should. I think being able to experience even just one mass is what inspires people to keep coming back and complete it despite of all the hardships and challenges. I could have easily gave up with all the factors that I have to consider but I haven't. In fact, it is getting easier as the days go by. I am actually looking forward to it. It is going to be a change when all of this is done. I may stick with it, still wake up early but not as early as this or return to my "old" way and that is sleeping in. If there is one realization that I learned from going to these masses is that I can do anything that I put my mind into. I decided early on that I would want to complete the 9 masses and here I am close to fulfilling that. Maybe after simbang gabi I will check back on that list that I have made on what I want to accomplish and change for the coming new year. Find one that I would really like to do and much like with the simbang gabi, follow through it and reap the rewards later. I think there is no greater feeling than a sense of accomplishment of doing something despite of all the factors weighing in and no other motivation but the one coming from within.

Aside from feeling a sense of accomplishment from going to mass, I have all of sudden started taking pictures of the sky as we make a beeline towards the parish hall from the church for the "salo-salo". I wished I would have done it from the very first day but at that time for some reasons it didn't come to my consciousness until one of the churchgoers pointed it out to us and it was indeed a sight to see. It was already the 18th. I missed 3 days. Isn't it sad that such a magnificent thing is right before us but we refuse or fail to see it until someone brings it to our attention. I guess the reason why I didn't notice was I was concerned about my own self, trying to warm myself from the cold. But now, no matter how cold it is, I stop and focus my cameraphone towards the sky and take a snapshot of it. I don't know for what or why but seeing such a beautiful sight makes me feel good and leaves me in awe.

December 18, 2005

December 19, 2005

December 20, 2005

December 21, 2005

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!!

credit to http://www.djkatscan.net/home.html

Stressing over nothing

A few weeks back my immediate boss (Boss Roger) told me to take one day off each week especially around the time that the big boss (Dr. C) will be out of the country which is starting next week. He said for me to pick a day where I am least needed or when there will be the least disruption in the operation and that would be on a Friday. Taking a day off means I will only work 4 days a week. I was at a loss why he would want me to shorten my work week when we are already swamped as it is. Plus I really have nowhere to go if I don't go to work. Boss Roger didn't tell me why he asked me to take the day off and frankly it made me paranoid. So many things came rushing into my mind and I was growing concerned. I kept on asking myself, "Did I do something wrong?" "Is this the initial stage before I am going to get fired? Is this his way of telling me to take a rest now so I will be re-energized come the new year?" I asked him why he wanted me to but he still didn't give me a straight answer until today.

I was at our other site when a problem came up again in one of the other sites. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to address the problem and the office manager wasn't able to handle it as well as we would have wanted her to. But I understand where she is coming from because I am going crazy as well thinking why we can't seem to find a way to straighten out the people there. There are far too many problems that I don't know where to start. It is making me frustrated and stressed out. I was giving Boss Roger some of my observations since he has always told me that his role is to be the "bad guy". He will be the one to talk to the employee that made the mistake. Then he told me...

Boss Roger: The thing with you is when you are frustrated, it shows in your voice, it shows in your face. That is why I want you to take a day off each week. I didn't tell you about this earlier."

Me: huh??

I guess he probably thought that I will feel bad if he told me the reason why he wanted me to take a day off. Frankly, I agree with him. I did tell him that I get really cranky when I am stressed to which he joked

"Kelan ka ba hindi cranky!"

Me: "eh ibig sabihin nun na I am always stressed!"

Yes I am transparent that way. My emotions can be seen in my face and heard in my voice especially at that very instant when the cause of my stress and frustration becomes apparent. This is also the reason why I keep my mouth shut when I am in that situation because I might end up saying something I don't mean or don't have to. When people are very emotional, we tend to be irrational and illogical and I don't like that. When I am emotional I am not able to think straight so I opt to remove myself first from the situation, think things through and only then will I be able to come up with a way on how to attack the problem. I can remove myself from it physically but not emotionally. I am a human being after all.

Now, that I know the reason why I am being told to take a day off, I don't feel so bad anymore if I do take up the offer. Initially I didn't know where I will go to which Boss Roger was so surprised to hear. But with Christmas looming, I will use that Friday off to finish buying presents and start crossing people's names off my very long Christmas list. I don't want to wait at the last minute because it will just escalate my stress level to new heights. I don't need nor deserve the additional stress right now. Work and self-centered relatives are enough. =)

Imagine being roused from your sleep at 2 AM with a text message that says:

"Did you hear the news about your Papa? =("

This is what my sister got and being that our parents are halfway across the world, it would have sent me on a panic. Good thing I didn't get the text, good thing I was told of this after I have been exchanging text messages with Papa all afternoon and good thing that prior to this text message, my sister was already told of what really happened. It was all misinformation.

Papa was our province Vice Governor for 3 years but during the last election he didn't run the same position. But for some reasons, some people still refer to my dad as the "Vice Gov". So when news that the Vice Governor was involved in an accident broke out, a lot of people thought it was Papa. It was horrible because so many versions of the story were coming out. There was that the Vice Governor (current) was in critical condition and was in a coma. I couldn't verify these news. But last I heard was her condition was already improving. I pray for her speedy recovery.

I do not for a second would want to even think if what if it was my dad. I refuse to go there. I have been in that type of situation once and I realized I am not prepared for anything yet. My maternal grandfather died a few days after 9/11. The world was in chaos, my mom was in the Philippines and no matter what happens she was going to make the trip to bade her father goodbye one last time. Papa decided to go with her since Mama was in no condition to be able to think straight. As soon as their flight was confirmed, it was the beginning of an experience that I will always remember. The airports were closed for private vehicles so we had to come up with a plan where we were going to pick them up. They were supposed to arrive on a Thursday night which gave them time to be at the wake before the funeral on Saturday. I was at a hotel lobby waiting for their call along with my cousins but midnight came and no call. I called my brother in Manila to ask if they were able to leave and my brother said that they did. I had no idea where my parents were and no one could tell me. I called PAL. I called LAX for any information but no one could give me an answer. Finally PAL told me that they were just delayed, then that their plane was redirected to Honolulu and would be coming in on Friday night. My cellphone bill has never been this high. I was calling Philippines, Hawaii, LAX, PAL. I think I may haven even called NAIA at some point. Add to that the calls from my relatives who were growing concerned. But at least I was able to speak to my parents by this time. They were at a hotel in Honolulu and would be arranging for their own flight to LA since PAL wasn't going to be allowed to fly to LAX as originally planned. This is the part where I am so glad Papa decided to fly with Mama. My mom was far too distraught to do all these arrangements. The passengers were told that they had to land in Hawaii because supposedly of an engine malfunction. But later on per my parents accounts, it turned out it was a security precaution and that once they entered US air space, they were escorted by 2 fighter jets. The next day, my cousins and I went again near the fastfood chain where my parents would take the taxi to and where we will meet them. Still no sight of Papa and Mama. I was growing concerned because Papa and Mama went through all these and for them to miss the funeral is just plain cruel. That would have been heartbreaking for my mom. I slept beside my cellphone waiting for their call. Finally at 5 AM Saturday, the most amazing call of my life came. It was Papa, "we are already here!" My cousin and I went to the fastfood restaurant again and after a few minutes my parents emerged from the taxi. Finally I could breathe. We had little time to spare. We got home at almost 7 AM, get ready for the funeral at 10 AM. Good thing it was earlier requested that my Lolo's casket be opened so my mom can see her dad one last time and say her last goodbyes.

My thoughts all during this time was, please not both parents. I would have probably gone insane. My brother and sisters in the Philippines and me in the US. Being the eldest, I know that a big responsibility is going to be put on my shoulders. Responsibility I think I can handle but more than that, I realized I am still dependent on my parents no matter how much I have exerted my independence all these years. The recent text message/joke just reaffirmed to me...I still need Papa and Mama.

Where was I?

It is a good thing Kaytee tagged me because it gave me a reason to post something. It is not because I have nothing to post about. I actually have a lot of topics in mind but they are all jumbled up in my head that I am having a hard time figuring out which one to do first.

So for the meantime...

10 years ago,

I was on my 3rd term as an AB Psychology major at DLSU Taft. Preparing for Finals week at the same time preparing for our trip to the US for my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary.

5 years ago,

Been in the US now for 2 years. Good thing two of my best friends were already here as well so it wasn't so bad. This is the year that I had the highest high and maybe not the lowest low but a low point...malabo na nga, mas lalong lumabo.

A year ago,

I helped my aunt pack their boxes to the Philippines. I packed 5 balikbayan boxes all by myself in one weekend. It was hard but I enjoyed doing it since it would be my uncle's first trip in 40 years, my aunt's in 20 and my cousin's in 18.

Yesterday,

Being that it was a Thursday and my aunts have Charismatic Prayer Meeting, I had the house all to myself. Since our internet at home wasn't working, it gave me time to do my laundry, fix my room and rest.

Tomorrow,

Anything goes. I could be at my aunt's house painting. I could attend a friend's baby shower or I could finally do some Christmas shopping since my list is pretty long.

Today,

I actually woke up earlier than usual but it was so cold so I curled up in my bed for the next 30 minutes before I pulled myself out of bed to get ready to go to work. Got to work, checked my mails (no internet at home, remember) and reading about the Music events that happened in the Philippines: MTV AIDS Summit and NU Rock Awards.

I am tagging: Camille, Diane, Kat and who else who wants to do it.

Acting like a toddler

Thanks once again to Kat for the title.

She called me a toddler when I complained to her that I am feeling cranky today. We have all heard about the phase called "terrible twos" and I feel like one today. I do not know what contributed to this or if this was a carry-over from yesterday. Might be lack of sleep, stress or maybe PMS or worse all of the above. I have been in a foul mood for the past few days and much as I don't like it, I cannot help it. There are just a few things going on in my life that are contributing to this and it sucks but I just have to weather through it. I am better than this but for the time being I do feel like a toddler and I feel I need to be one. I am just acting out I guess because of all the pressure and frustrations. I think I should find a better alternative in dealing with this or maybe I just need a good rest.

Work has been hectic and stressful as it is, add to that this person who is acting as if he is the boss of me or he is in charge when in fact he isn't. He used to manage the group that was occupying the building which my boss now owns. When that group folded, he was left in charge of the building until someone buys it. So at first I was well aware of his role because our company was just leasing then but this time I don't get his interference when our company now owns the building. Sure he has been hired as a consultant since he is well knowledgeable with the area and the medical community as well. He would bring in new physicians that will rent some of the rooms in the building. That part I get but what irritates me is the fact that he sometimes oversteps beyond his boundaries when it doesn't and shouldn't involve him anymore. And that means my job. I think he is confused with the line that separates the company that he is part of with the one I am part of. I should have nothing to do with him. I have voiced this out to my administrator and he too isn't particularly happy but at this point we still "need" his services and that means we have to take it whether we like it or not for the time being at least.

I do not mind the assistance but I do not like it when he tries to impress us with all these plans which I admit may be beneficial to the whole company in the long run. However, it pisses me off when he acts as if his plans are a go when they only sound good on the ideal plane. But applied to the day-to-day operation is a totally different situation all together. Its as if he will be the one left with the responsibility to implement them and deal with the possible problems that come along. For as long as he is able to deliver to my boss what he is supposed to deliver, that is it. When we, who are left to deal with it daily, have to face the problems and find solutions for them when that would have been avoided from the very start. I do not like cleaning up a mess that someone created or worse when there shouldn't be a mess at all. He has so much plans it is overwhelming and we are going at a rapid speed. I just wish that things slow down a bit..Identify and deal with the existing problems before adding more that are potentially source of problems as well. I mean I haven't even had the time and the opportunity to address the problems that are plaguing this site that I moved into a month ago, there are already areas that were introduced yesterday that I can already see the potential of problems coming up. I want to deal with the imminent things at this point and get it out of the way or at least curb it a bit before accepting anymore problems. "Nagpapalapad ng papel kasi buwisit!"

As if work isn't stressful enough, my relatives have egos the size of the whole Americas that its putting a dent into the holiday spirit. I have been around them for 7 years and I should be used to it by now but still. I wish sometimes to smack all of them in the head that for once can they look at the bigger picture rather than being so microscopic about the situation. For once think of the whole picture and not focusing so much if whether it affects them or if they are going to benefit something or if they are going to get something out of it. It pains me to see my Lola being so sad and confused about the whole situation. My relatives are blinded by their own personal agendas that they all forget who is greatly affected by their actions..my Lola. Its infuriating. If not only it is her familial duty and responsibility, I want my mom to have nothing to do with the whole situation. The "fortunes" that everyone seems to be so into isn't even a lot. Its not going to contribute much into their personal incomes and yet they act as if its this massive thing. I just want my mom to have what is rightfully hers and no injustice will happen. Its not about the fortune even. They can really have it but since as an heir my mom is entitled to it, I just want her to have what is rightfully hers in the first place. I mean for crying out loud these are your siblings, your own flesh and blood and yet some of them let greed and their blown up egos to cloud their judgment on what is just right for everyone and not only for one's self. I better not hear a negative word about my mom or they will not hear the end of it. They may be older than me and my mom's siblings but I hear one negative thing said about my mom when she isn't around to defend herself and when she didn't seek to be in that situation in the first place, they will hear it from me.

There is a four day holiday ahead of me and I want to take that time to really rest and take control back of my life rather than see it spiraling down. I do not like feeling this way but I guess from time to time we are forced to, only to inform us that we have a choice whether we will allow it to consume our entire life or we find a way of going around it and learning from it. Give it to me to find a silver lining out of all these but what else do I have if I will not see it that way.

ETA: Thank goodness! My boss have noticed how work has been stressing me out that he told me to take a day off next week. He thought I was already due for a vacation but nope. I am not due until next year so I guess the next best thing is for me to take a day off. I asked if I could take Friday off instead. I made it a holiday before I asked him. So my four day holiday is still on.

Whose life is it anyway?

In the past three days, I have been told of 2 "dates" or introduction if you would want to call it that. My uncle blurted it out on Wednesday when we went to his house to visit my grandma. I was barely starting to take my first bite when he said it. Lucky enough I didn't choke on my food. He just gave me the basics: Filipino, 40, a doctor. Then just now my cousin called me that she has someone to introduce to me. Once again, Filipino but I didn't get the age, lives out of state, coming home for Thanksgiving and the dad was the one who asked my cousin if she has female relatives. Two totally different persons but one thing in common: apparently their relatives would prefer them to be with a Filipina. Oookay! On both accounts, I said okay like I always do. It is a flat "okay". I do not think I can give more reaction than that because I find no reason to be overly enthusiastic about meeting anyone I know nothing about. I prefer not to know a lot, so I wont have any preconceived perceptions about the other person. Start with a "blank slate" in other words...tabula rasa. Plus, I prefer not to have expectations so that there is no pressure, no frustrations if the "meeting" would turn out to be a bust or the guy turns out to be a dud or I just don't see anything there. I will be cliche' here and say there is always room for a new friend. However, it seems my relatives have given them an overview of who I am..based on what my relatives think or see as me. They may be right but they may also be wrong. That remains to be seen.

Is there a marquee on my forehead that I don't know about that states "introduce me to someone"? I really don't mind but I don't like it when people makes me feel that its their obligation or duty to do it for me. Or worse if they make me feel that they have to because it doesn't seem like I am capable to doing it on my own or would do it on my own. I also don't mind if the intention is for me to meet new people or new friends but the thing is, it makes me feel as if they are hoping for something more, leaning towards the romantic side. I am sure that my "single" status baffles a lot of people but it doesn't bother me the least. My status is such a big surprise to them that they are making it their life's mission to change that. WHY????

My sister got me a shirt which states: "single by choice". This is true for now at least. I don't feel its such a tragedy but some people think it is. I want to bide my time even though as some people have pointed out "malapit na akong mawawala sa kalendaryo"! It is my choice to concentrate first on myself. I felt I have not taken full advantage of all the opportunities that are out there for me. I felt I haven't had "fun" in my life, to enjoy life on my own. All my life, I felt I have put everyone else before me: my parents, my siblings, relatives. Don't get me wrong I don't regret the choices that I made. I made those conscious decisions on my own and I felt at that point in time it was the best and right thing to do. Now with my siblings all grown-up, I feel its my time to do my own "growing up", to enjoy life, to experience everything that I have to experience yet: travel, enjoy time with family and friends, have fun, enjoy my life before I let someone in. Some may argue that having someone around shouldn't stop me from doing all these and more. But the thing is, I feel that it will. For a long time, I was always considerate of other people, putting them first. For the first time, I really do not have to do that. Sure I am still considerate of other people but not to the degree that I used to. At this point in my life, my time is mine, my weekends are mine. I do not have a lot of people whose feelings I have to consider. I do not have to let someone know what my plans are or who I am going with or where I am going. I just inform my relatives where I will be but its not as if they are going to stop me. Selfish as it sounds, I want to grab this time to grow and really get to know who I am before I let another person in. I was always a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a colleague, a co-worker but does anyone of them really know who Raissa the person is? I do not even know who that is yet, how could they?

Family members and friends even acquaintances think that they have a clear picture of who would be "perfect" for me. Do they really? I do not even know who would be "perfect" for me. What makes them think that they do? They can assume all they want, conclude even but the thing is usually they don't have a slight idea either. It is like a "hit and miss" thing but whose life are they tinkering with..MINE! Since it is my life, shouldn't I be allowed to tinker with it? I understand and appreciate everyone's concern. I am grateful for all of their efforts but I would really appreciate it more if they would wait for me to approach them rather than making that decision on their own. I know I am lucky to have family members and friends who just wants to see me happy but my happiness isn't solely dependent on another person making me happy. I also prefer not to bestow on someone the credit or the blame of bringing that "happiness" to me.

I am going to keep an open mind and meet these fellows but I am not promising anything. I just hope that if it turns out to be a bust they don't put the blame on me. After this, I hope it becomes clear that maybe its high time that things are better left alone. I hope they will let me do this on my own terms. I would really be happy if they would just leave me alone, figure my life out first and then start from there.

It is MY LIFE anyway!

Not a fan..

There is a pile of clothes waiting to be folded calling my name. There is my closet waiting to be tidied up gazing at me. But here I am in front of the computer posting an entry. Well, not entirely since I have clothes in the dryer that I am waiting for that I have to hang right away so I wont have to iron them. Embarrassing as it is, I am going to admit that ironing isn't my friend. I do not enjoy ironing or folding clothes. I will avoid it as much as possible. I will rejoice when the day comes that a dryer that will iron and fold my clothes gets invented and made available on the market. Only when I need to would I do it. Not that I am totally lazy but I guess my inner OC-ness comes out when I do these chores. I remember ironing my handkerchief back then and I made every attempt to make all four corners aligned. I do not mind repeating it over and over until its done. I get peeved when after ironing one section of the shirt and making sure that its crisp and without wrinkles, the cord gets in the way and messes it all up. That is also a reason why I prefer not to iron. I want a wireless iron. Because I know myself that I wont stop until it passes quality assurance. I am not really that bad because I know of people who iron their jeans and wouldn't mind taking them off again when they see a wrinkle in it and iron it again. I am not totally OC in every way. But I do have my little quirks here and there. Like for instance, my coins are divided into 3 canisters: quarters, nickels & dimes and then pennies. If one that doesn't belong in the canister falls through, I will fish it out and put it in the right one. I am not a total neat freak but I am not a slob either. I'd like to think I am in the middle. I wont tidy up if I don't feel like it but when I do, even if its 3 AM I will do it.

Its not much about cleaning as it is about organization. For as long as I can remember, my mom has taught us to make a list before going grocery shopping. We do not go around, back and forth at the grocery. We go aisle by aisle, getting the stuff we need as we go along. When my dad leaves on business trips, he leaves my siblings and I a list of things we need to do with our names spelled out on the top of the paper. When traveling, my mom told us to make a list of the things we packed, make 2 copies, leave one at home and bring another one with us. That will be our guide in making sure we don't leave anything behind. The newly-washed clothes should be at the bottom and rotate it. This is why up until now I am still a "list" person. I make a list of the things I need to do for the day. Granted I am not able to follow it to the letter, I still make one. I make a list of what I need to buy at the grocery or mall. I still make a list of what to bring when I travel and I "double check" my double check if that even makes any sense. Though, I have not gone to as far as alphabetizing my cd collection, I do organize them according to artist. I group together those cds of the same artist. My accessories have their own little compartments: real, beads, pearls, silver, wood, brass, earrings, rings, necklaces, bracelets etc. These are all in one place. Because of the number of accessories I have, it can seem like its not even organized but I can find whatever it is I am looking for and I know when any of my stuff is missing. I call that my "organized mess". My work desk is a prime example of this. My desk has seen better days with different piles around but I know where things are even if I am out of the office. I can direct whoever it is that's looking when I need him or her to find something. But watch, the moment I start fixing all of them, I forget where I placed things when I need to find them and that makes me crazy.

This post is so random. I think blogging is my excuse to not do what I am supposed to do but alas they beckon so I am left with no choice. I do not have Mana Mila around so I have to do it. Much as I am not a fan of ironing and folding clothes, I am not a bigger fan of seeing a pile of clean clothes on top of my bed. Its not going to magically disappear so like it or not, I have to do it. Got to go, my clothes are shouting my name.

Transition

One of the reasons why I have been out of the loop is the fact that I moved offices. I was really dreading it and found numerous excuses to delay it. But I could not delay it any longer. I work for a medical group with 3 clinics and 2 out of the 3 are directly under my supervision. Not to boast but those 2 are doing fine partly because I have worked there for 7 years now and have developed a system that allows me to have 2 weeks with sporadic- phone calls vacation and no major problem waiting for my return. In other words, the staff can pretty much function without me hovering over them constantly. With the change in organization, it meant that all 3 clinics will now be directly under my sort of supervision, billing-wise. I know that is a step up for me and a good opportunity but it also entails more responsibility and problems. Two things that I wasn't so sure I was willing to take at this point but what choice do I have. I do not want to sound ungrateful but my job was already hectic as it was and adding another one with more employees meant a major headache especially in the initial stages with the transition and all. But I took it because if I really look closely, it was an opportune time for me to put in place the same system that has been working in the 2 other clinics. I guess it is working well for my boss to suggest to do the same thing with the 3rd clinic. Uniformity of all 3 facilities meant less problems and rules apply to everyone. No need to adjust as much. But its harder than I thought for one I knew there was going to be some resistance from the already existing employees but the thing is once people have been set in their ways, its going to take some time before they can unlearn their "old" ways and adapt to the new system. It has only been 3 weeks and things are progressing slowly. It is still a "wait and see" period. I had no illusion that it was going to change overnight. Though, its progressing slower than I would want it to, I just have to be patient that in the long run it will eventually improve and make everyone else's lives, including mine, easier. It has to because I am not due for another vacation until next year and I don't want to feel like I need one very soon.

Apolitical

I do not believe that a person can be truly apolitical. Much as we abhor it to our very core, the fact is our daily life is all politics and involves politics. I think its a misconception that politics is solely in the government. There is office politics and even in families there is politics. When my siblings and I were in college in Manila, every start of the school year, Papa calls for a family meeting to discuss our allowances and in some instances to negotiate it. Since Papa is pretty much aware of how much things, food, fare and others that a college student needs costs, it can be an uphill battle. We win some, we lose some. But he was never stingy as long as money that he and Mama worked hard for was being put into good use. Asking permission is all politics as well. We present our case and make some promises along the way for example, coming home at a decent hour and on time, calling if in case we wont be able to make it on the time specified, being with the people we say we will be with. Sure, some promises may be broken like how our lawmakers break them but in the family politics, there is actually a corresponding punishment when we break them. We ask for forgiveness and promise not to break them again. There is accountability for our actions and repercussions which may not necessarily stop us from making and breaking them but they sure curb it a bit. But there is one thing that I don't think has ever happened in my family politics and that is take someone's side just because. We have to be given enough proof for us to side with one or the other and in fact not siding at all is the better way to go. Or we side with what we think is the right thing to do. I may exert my role as the eldest from time to time but I hope my siblings will agree with me that I have not used my birth order to impose upon anyone what I feel needs to be done when it may not be the best way. Plus, I think no matter how old my siblings and I get, the ultimate power still lies on my parents and we abide by that but it doesn't mean that we cannot present our case and fight for it.

I just recently found out through a very good friend of mine who had a drinking session with my dad that Papa said I am "rasonable", that I always have a "rason". Its funny because I think as I got older, I do not just allow my dad to think that he is always right. I challenge his reasoning sometimes. Papa also added that we have clashing ideas about so many things and its true. Not because my intention is to be disrespectful but I just want to present to him another point of view. Looking at the same situation and yet having a different view of it might just aid him in maybe thinking differently or looking at it from a different perspective. Sometimes our emotions get the better of us that we think irrationally and impulsively which prompts us to make hasty and unwise decisions. It was a surprise to me to be told that and at first I didn't know if it was a bad thing or a good thing. So I consulted the 3 wise people around me: Jehann, Nicco and Camille and they all laughed so I guess its a good thing. I don't think Papa should have been surprised why I am the way I am. He is the same way and surprisingly enough so is the rest of my family. Interestingly enough, we may have differing opinions but there hasn't been a chance that we were truly mad at the other. Annoyed and pissed maybe but never angry. I guess because we all agree to disagree. We may not be sold on what the other person's opinion is but we do not forget that it is the person's OWN opinion. Sure, we slip from time to time but eventually we realize that its not going to take us anywhere but into a world of hurt , anger and despair that at the end of they day, we are left to wonder if insisting on what we want was all worth the disintegration of the family.

It saddens me though that such isn't the case with some of my relatives. It pisses me off that some of them are trying to steer my Lola into siding with them even if whatever they are doing is going to be of big injustice to the others. Though I am already an adult in all cultures, if I am in the company of those family members older that I am, I am not an adult anymore. I feel like a 12 year old sometimes. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I feel that I am in no authority to disagree with them no matter how stupid of an idea I think it is. I think in these times, its better to keep some safe distance rather than include myself in the situation when I shouldn't be involved in the first place. I think that attitude has kept me sane for the 6 years that I have been around some of them. I try to steer away from it because the lesser I know, the better. I actually have stood up in a middle of a discussion because I felt its not something I would want to hear and be part of. Rude as it may be but its better than way. I think my relatives get it now. They know I know a lot because unlike some of them I actually take time to look at both sides. I am not one to be swayed by choosing closer ties to what I think is right and appropriate. They also know that they can ask me all they want but if I know its not going to do anyone any good, my mouth remains shut. Unless they grossly malign my mom, then that becomes a totally different story. Its better to stay neutral. My friends have told me that it irritated them that ever since they could remember I have always been neutral with how I deal with sticky situations. Unless I need to be involved, I never involve myself. My rationale is "why should I be the gasoline to ignite the fire when I can be the water to extinguish it." Plus I think its highly childish to pressure someone to side with you just cause you need someone on your "team". If people truly want me to side with them, present to me why I should not because I have to. I think I have the right to ponder on it before I make some decisions. Otherwise, they can fight it out all they want, as long as they do not involve me, I am just going to be a spectator. Why join the fray when I have front view seating. =)

Nagging thought

This has been in my mind for some time now. I think its going to ignite some strong feelings and opinions. Its quite controversial but I just had to ask.

Can a person be PRO-Choice and yet ANTI-abortion?