Dilemma

Growing up, it never entered my consciousness that I would one day get a degree in Psychology. I didn't even know what psychology was about. As far as I know, my choices for possible career were: law, medical field, engineering or commerce. As a kid, this is all that I was exposed to. I wasn't particularly happy but then again, I wasn't really paying much attention to it either. Back in high school, going into culinary arts did enter my mind at the same time that going into journalism did. But my dad said that these were not exactly lucrative careers. I took what he said, I was just a kid, what did I know. I was a junior in high school when Papa was already started asking me questions about college: Where am I going to study? Where am I going to live? What course am I going to pick? I felt sad because it seemed like he was already trying to get rid of me. Get rid, in the sense that there was no argument in the fact that I would go to Manila for college.. away from the safe and secured environment of Tacloban that I was accustomed to. I knew it was going to be hard but I knew too well that it was an opportunity opened for me. Being the eldest, it was upon me to set a good example for my siblings. I was going to be the first one to swim in this vast ocean that is LIFE. I had to make good at it or else I did not only fail myself but I will fail them as well. That is one heavy load to carry on my shoulders but I took it.

Going back to Psychology..once it was established where I was going to apply, Papa chose my course options. I was not so sure yet what I wanted to be so I allowed him to. Behavioral Science & Business Management was my course when I entered DLSU. But after taking a General Psychology class and getting a really good grade, I knew that I needed to shift when I was already able to. Math isn't one of my strongest points so I decided to drop Business Management and shifted to Psychology and I never once regretted making that decision. It was the FIRST major decision I ever made in my life and for once my parents had nothing to do with it. I just told them after the fact. They couldn't say anything more, what else can they say. But I am sure they, particularly Papa wasn't so thrilled about it. In his mind, I will be around "puro lurong-lurong (crazy people). I couldn't blame him since he knew nothing about the possible careers in Psychology, so I passed on to him what I was learning. He heard them but I don't think he listened to them. I let it pass since I thought this is my career, I am the one going to school so I will deal with it. Four years later, I graduated with a degree in Psychology.

The thing is, I don't think up to now Papa has fully grasped the fact that I chose a path that he may not agree with or comfortable with. It broke my heart when he told my aunt that he was disappointed that I took up Psychology. He felt that it wouldn't bring me anywhere. I was already done with it, what more can I do. Looking back now, I think Psychology was presented to me for a reason. I have a better grasp of human behavior and thinking which paves the way for me to be more understanding and accepting of all the complexities that is human being. Sometimes, I get confused especially with dealing with Papa's attitude whether I am his child or a Psych grad who happens to be his child. I try to be really understanding of him, of where he is coming from but sometimes he makes it so difficult. Among my siblings, I can say that I can pretty much tell him what I think without crossing the line of being disrespectful. I have come to the age that he at least listens to what I have to say, or at least I think he does. But, it is still difficult. For one, we grew up during different times. Then there is the fact that Papa isn't necessarily the easiest person to live with. I have thought of so many times of telling him what we all (my siblings and Mama) think but I am scared to push his buttons. Don't get me wrong, Papa is probably the best dad there is but he needs some lessons in sensitivity sometimes. There are times that he makes us feel that only his feelings mattered and to hell with ours. He will say his piece because he feels being our father that is due him. I am already on the other side of the world and yet I am not totally free from it. I don't think I will ever be when I have Mama and my siblings even Papa making me aware of it. Plus, I really would want to know anyway since I am still a part of this family even when I am not physically there.

But sometimes, it is taking a toll on me. My siblings and I share the same sentiments and yet none of us wants to bring that to his attention. We all know too well that he is not going to take it lightly. My siblings have relegated to me, being the eldest to do it, but I don't know if I can. As a child, I want to but knowing all too well about personalities, I don't think it is in his personality to understand it the way that we mean it. He feels that my mom's siblings take advantage of my mom's kindness, this is usually the root of their disagreements. As a child, I know and understand where he is coming from. But as a Psych Grad, I want him to let it go and move on because it is hurting his relationship with Mama in these times that we are all out of the house and it's just the two of them. Plus these are past issues that needs to stay there. I know that he has Mama's welfare and well-being at heart but it can get really tiring when it is rehashed constantly. I understand that there is a precedence that is why Papa can't seem to let it go but it is not as if Mama isn't aware of. She just doesn't need to hear it often. I am not blind to this situation, none of us are, but to continue living with that over our heads isn't doing us much good. Maybe, Papa, being her husband feels that he has to stay his piece. I am fine with that but once in awhile should have been enough and not every chance he's got. Besides, what he is accusing Mama of, he is guilty of the same thing. Wasn't serving and doing something for the people of Leyte and yet not even being appreciated for it the same as Mama not being appreciated by her siblings? At least with Mama's siblings, she didn't spend all that money, only to be continually criticized and unappreciated.

As a child, I want to say that I get him, that I understand him, I may not agree but I accept his thoughts and feelings. But as a Psych grad, I feel that there are more underlying issues that may or may not have something to do with us, that he needs to deal with and not lash it out on us. As a child, I just want peace and harmony but as a Psych grad, I want him to deal with those issues so that they wont be a dark cloud hovering above us. The earlier he deals with them, the better. I want to be his child, to be an anchor and a shoulder to lean on the way that he is with us and yet I want to guide and help him and the rest of the family deal with whatever it is and accept it. Can I be a child and still be someone who can guide him and all of us out of this state? Can I be a child and empathize at the same time look at the situation objectively and find a way out of this situation when our sanity and our relationships still intact? Or I have to be one or the other? This is one topic that was not discussed in any of my classes.

Fraud

felt like the biggest fraud sitting there
couldn't bear to look at them straight
kept my head down most of the time
each words ringing in my ear
each prayer felt like a knot around me, tightening
at one point I couldn't breathe

the thing is I did no wrong
the people concerned seemed fine and at peace
as each words spoken
felt like shouting "hear that?"
I bit my tongue
but my heart wanted to burst out

not being judgmental
but how can you sit there and pray
when the very reason you are praying for
you can't seem to let go
how can you pray for healing
when you refuse to heal from within?

the problem isn't with the world
but you seem to think so
truth be told you are part of the problem
that doesn't seem to wane
yet, here you are praying
when you could be doing something

you seek for peace
when there is turmoil within
you seek for others to be enlightened
when you are the one who needs it
you seek for continued guidance
when you yourself is lost

last night was just the first night
how many more nights are there?
eight more days I think or maybe more
more days that I will keep my head down
or maybe I find myself out of the house
one thing is sure I don't think I can look straight up to those eyes.

how come you can?

With time to spare

Evi wondered what I do on days, though none existent at this point in time, that I find my schedule free of anything. I am actually yearning for days like those but so far it has been elusive. :sigh: Come to think of it what would I being doing on days like those....

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out?
- watch movies. Back in college, with nothing to do and with a free schedule, I would watch movies by myself at the theaters. I have not done that lately.
- if I don't go to the theater, I watch movies or tv shows at home. Lately, I have been into watching Asian films and Korean dramas.
- go online; read blogs, check my mails, chat with who among my family and friends are online, search just about anything that I can think of
- listen to music, my current favorite is Hale. I love the entire album but my most favorite is the song "Runaway"
- read. I pretty much have a new book every week. I finished "Can You Keep A Secret" by Sophie Kinsella in one night so it is important that I have a steady supply of books. I am waiting for all my Summit books to arrive. I read a lot of self-help/psychology books as well.
- write poems
- call my family and friends

What are the things you do to lower your stress or anxiety level?
- poetry writing has been effective to me. In the middle of thesis writing, I actually wrote a poem and felt energized and focused after that. I guess I am not stressed out lately since I haven't written in awhile. Either that or I am lacking in inspiration.
- ranting into my journal -- online and on paper. Once I have let it out, I feel so much better.
- retail therapy or most of the time window shopping
- oddly enough spending time with my cousins but we haven't been able to do that lately since we all have our own thing going on
- going for a facial & hair appointment. I usually schedule them all in one day. I have to have a whole day of pampering myself
- daydream or visualize
- I find my own little, quiet corner and meditate

FILMS YOU WATCH

What are the five films that you watched a lot and meant a lot to you?

I watched Bride & Prejudice a lot the past couple of days. I can't just pick 5 films because usually it's certain scenes or certain situations in these films that I liked or that has meaning to me. But Bride & Prejudice has a lot of elements that I can relate to.

I wonder what Diwata, Abster, Gail, Patrick, Jeff, Jove, Angeni & Mina do when they find themselves with time to spare.

In your eyes

I was tagged by Diwata and I find this very interesting. I was not the most open person growing up. So it is a big surprise and a revelation to me that I am sharing my life through blogging. I am sure people who blog feel the same way. Blogging is not only a way for me to throw to the world my thoughts, feelings and what have you, but it has allowed me to stay in touch with people, reconnect with some, meet new and interesting people and strangely may have found a relative (right Primo?) LOL This is indeed one small world we live in and we are more connected to each other than we know.

Since I have not met majority of those who read my blog, I am curious to know what my blog and what my posts say about me. This does not exclude those who know me so well (Camille & Christine). Or kind of know me ( Yam, Diane, Favel, Kat, Isy, Aya & Tet). I wonder what Jennie, Evi & Kaytee thinks as well.

Casting Call

I think it's inevitable that as we read each other's journals we create mental pictures of each other. Post this on your own journal to find out who your friends see when they read about your life.

The Rule:

The person must be in the movies or on TV (but doesn't have to be an actor/actress). The person can be specific to a role (e.g. Jennifer Aniston's Rachel Green) or just the person themself.

These castings can be based on things in the person's personality or on physical traits you know they have.

Don't peak at other peoples answers!

Bad news/Good news

@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()

I accidentally dropped my Sony Cybershot digital camera (what was I thinking? The wrist strap isn't there for nothing!). The lens is stuck and wont retract. I called the Customer Service Center and someone who sounded Filipina answered my call. She was very helpful. She tried to help me by suggesting that pressing the "reset" button might solve the problem. (Nope) So she gave me the necessary things that I need to write when I send the camera for repair. I am sending this camera first thing when I get to work. She told me that since the repair center is closed being that it happened at 12:50 AM so she wont be able to give me a work order which I would need before I can send the camera to Texas. She told me to call the Customer Service again or better yet get the work order through their website. I am still within the period stipulated in the Limited Warranty but they will let me know once the repair center gets my camera if the problem is within the warranty or not. If it is within, then it is free of charge but if not, she also told me that I might be charged, which I do not mind as long this camera gets fixed. It is still pretty new. I hope it is within the warranty. But who knows! Doesn't matter to me though, just want this fixed eventhough this is another dent in my bank account in these times that I am trying to stick to a budget. I hate it when my mind is set into not spending on miscellaneous things and this happens. Argh!

No to drama

As much as possible I do not like drama in my life. If I want drama, I will watch TV. I avoid drama as much as I can but for some reasons it always finds a way to reach me. If it is not me directly, it is the people around me I care about and before I know it I am involved in the whole drama. Geez! This weekend was no different. As soon as Friday rolled in, my cousin had a drama with her boyfriend which is making her think twice if this relationship of hers is all worth it. I have never seen her this pissed and frustrated at this guy. So I guess this is one of his misgivings that she is not able to deal with. I am basically one of those people that she opens up to so there I was listening to her as she ranted. I just hope that I was able to impart in her something but then again ultimately it is her decision. The whole weekend she was pretty much pissed so I was just there to listen. Then Monday came, I was chatting with my sister on YM and she was also in a pissy mood. It turned out she and my other cousin are not on speaking terms. Basically the gist is my sister is overly stressed with school and orgs and my cousin is overly stressed as well with school and problems with the boyfriend. A misunderstanding ensued, they got into each others nerves and now they have not spoken to each other for 2 days. The weird thing is they share a room. Being the "Ate" that I am, I tried to get to the bottom of it especially since my sister and our cousin are pretty much joined at the hip and for them not to talk to each other, it is a big thing. My friends have told me that I have always been "neutral" among our group of friends. I always thought it was a good thing but now I am starting to think twice. I don't necessarily take the other person's side but I just make whoever I am talking to think on what may be going on inside the other person's head. So that was what I did to my sister. Apparently, she expected more from me because instead of being pacified and her anger to wane she has now turned her anger on me. She said she doesn't need opinions. Great! What does she expect me to say? I cannot automatically take her side or what have you without knowing the other side of the story. I always believed that there are 2 sides of the story and the truth. I am not going to take her side just cause she is my sister. In other situations, maybe but at this point I am not going to because it also involves my cousin. My whole intention why I asked her to relay to me what happened was for me to know and understand and maybe for her to hear what exactly it is that is the problem. Sometimes, people tend to only hear what they want to hear and believe, but by saying it loud sometimes, the tune becomes different and we look at the whole situation differently. At the same time, I did not want her to bottle all her emotions in because that is even more destructive and a bigger distraction. A distraction that she does not need right now. I guess my sister was still stressed out because instead of calming down she has displaced her anger at me. It turned out that the more that I asked her to tell me what happened, she was getting all worked up all over again and was getting even more mad. She signed off YM without even saying a decent bye which felt like the same as the phone being banged on me. "C, I know you are mad but as if getting mad at me is going to make you less mad at Y. Give her and yourself time! I am not the one that you are angry at!" There, that's my final say on this matter.

Some of my relatives are overly-dramatic as well. They are supposed to be adults but sometimes they act worse than the spoiled brats of all spoiled brats! It's annoying! Sometimes, my younger cousins have more sense than all of my aunts and uncles on my mom's side combined. The thing is some of them let their own personal issues with each other cloud their relationship with the most important person at this point.. my Lola, their mother. Lola lost Lolo almost 4 years ago. She lost her partner of 65 years. We all prayed diligently that the sadness over Lolo's death will not overcome her and that she will choose to join Lolo. Good thing our prayers were answered. She is still strong and energetic at her age of 84. But, if illness is not going to bring my Lola down it is her own children who will be the cause of it. Sometimes, I am glad that my Mom is in the Philippines, far away from the drama that her siblings are creating. I am not the eldest among the grandchildren, I think I am the 15th out of 43 cousins but I feel sometimes that I am more sensible than my eldest cousin, "hindi sa nagbubuhat ako ng bangko". Instead of pacifying her aunts and uncles, sometimes she adds to it much to my dismay. Sure, she wont be able to mouth off to our older aunts and uncles but I think they will be more compelled to listen to her than to any of us. Everything is such an issue for them. They make a mountain out of an anthill. All the psychology lessons I have already reviewed and frankly, I do not know what is wrong with them. I try to be more empathetic because it must have been hard growing up one of 15 children, but come on now get over it. They have their own families already, some even have their own grandchildren but they still hold on to ancient hurt feelings and grudges. I once read an email of "20 Truths to Live By". One of them was "a grudge is a heavy load to carry!". So true! What is the point of holding grudges and pent-up feelings of long gone when all it does is destroy the person within. My relatives probably think that they are hurting each other but they do not realize that more than hurting others, they are hurting their own selves. They also do not realize that them carrying all that baggage prevents them from having meaningful relationships not only with their own family members but with others as well. My sister said I am brave for being able to endure living with relatives, especially relatives like these. I wish I was braver though to knock some sense into their stubborn heads and make them realize that Lola does not have a long road before her. I am guilty of being apathetic sometimes too out of my annoyance. I chose not to get entangled with their issues. I am not going to feed their bruised feelings just so they will feel that they are in the "right". Ang hilig hilig pang maghanap ng kakampi. I feel that people who seek validation that what they are doing is right isn't sure themselves that what they are doing is right. My aunts and uncles, instead of squabbling, they should cherish the time that they have left with her. Baka sa huli pa ang pagsisisi! As if maririnig pa sila! Don't get me wrong, they are genuinely nice people if only they will be nicer to each other. I am sure that will make Lola happier and at peace.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Diane some time ago but it is only now that I get to answer this. Sorry, Diane.

If I could be in one place right now - I would like to be back in Tacloban with my family and friends. It's been 7 years since I last saw any of my friends. Some I have known since first grade, a few even since kindergarten until now. If I were in Tacloban, I can spend a whole day doing nothing. I know it may sound like a waste of time but I have not have that chance for the past 7 years. People need to regroup and re-energize every so often. It seems that no matter how many vacations I take to places I could only dream of, nothing compares doing all that at home. Everything is accessible in Tacloban. If I wake up one morning and felt like going to the beach, its easy. The beach is 5 minutes away. If I felt like eating all the seafoods to my heart's delight, I can have it. I can watch tv all day, nap when I want to, meet up with my friends without checking if my schedule will allow it. Most of all, I want to sleep in my bed, have late night conversations with my parents and siblings, have late night runs for barbecue with them and just be in their company. Nothing beats being with family and friends.

If I could give something of myself to my family & friends in Tacloban - that would be my undivided attention when they need to talk to me; being accessible to listen to them whenever they need me without worrying how much the text message or call would cost. Knowing that I am just a call away, being in the same area code makes all the difference. Most of all being able to give them a hug when they need it and when I want to.

If I could take some people somewhere - it would be to the Philippines. No matter what the political situation may be, it is still home no matter what. There are so many things that the Philippines can offer in terms of nature, culture, food and people. We have so many tourist destinations and untapped resources which I only came to know and appreciate while being away. I would like to explore that and make it more fun by bringing people along.

If I could make one dream come true - whatever it is that every Filipino dreams of right now, not the personal ones but the one that will free all of us from whatever turmoil the entire country is in at this point. By the looks of things, to dream and hope is all we have at this point to stay sane.

If I could do real magic - that is to educate all people that we as people have our responsibilities within ourselves in the outcome of our lives and that of others. People has to realize that we are interconnected somehow and whatever we do personally has an effect on the bigger scope of things. I think its an illness of the world to always resort to blaming others with their own misfortune rather than taking responsibility for making those decisions that affected one's life.

I invite anyone to feel free to have their own versions of "If I could..."

Miffed!

Aside from blogging, I also visit forums. There is one forum that I go to consists of people from my city. There is a wide variety of topics that is being discussed there. Anyway, I went there today and of course like everywhere the heated discussion is about GMA. I state my opinions and all. The gist of my post was I think everyone is highly emotional about the whole thing with valid reasons but I think nothing will be accomplished if we use our heart to decide and not our heads. There is a reason why the brain is above the heart. I am not particularly amused with the recent turn of events as well but this is the time that the next step should require much needed thought. This is not the time to be hasty though I know that this needs to be dealt with the soonest possible time. "Haste goes to waste" like they say. Then there was a post right after mine which to me was short of a challenge. It seemed that I may have hit a raw nerve in that poster that he or she shot back with a statement that didn't particularly sound good to my ears. He or she stated that "instead of spewing at a passive screen, I should ask if I have done something about it!" That statement though may not have been directed at me but felt like it was and it hit a raw nerve in me as well. But regardless if it was directed at me or not, whatever happened to respecting the opinions of others. So I replied that I indeed have done something about it and that was... never thinking that my vote would be a waste if I didn't vote for the most likely winner. I didn't vote for Erap nor did I vote for GMA. Plus if I do not find any candidate worthy of my vote in any position, I abstain from writing any name regardless if a candidate is a relative or not. Our parents gave my siblings and I the freedom to vote for whoever we want to. Papa nor Mama never told us to vote for anyone. Our ballot was our own. Now that I have settled and calmed down, it is actually laughable that I even gave this so much thought, time and energy. I contradicted my very own statement about not thinking with my heart but with my mind. That was a "lapse of judgment" (no pun intended) on my part. After this I am going back to lurkdom for the time being. It may seem that I am evading but I cannot promise to be sensible all the time and I am not sure if this is worth my blood pressure shooting up. Or next time I should really just laugh it off.

From nothing to something

After so many weeks and months of having a busy weekend, here I am on a Saturday morning, in front of the computer, pretty much doing nothing! YES! Well, granted I am not totally activity-free today, I have an uncle's birthday party to go to later, at least for a few hours I have the house all by myself. My aunts and uncle are at a LSS retreat at our parish. It's a beautiful, sunny day to be wasted away, doing nothing. I am well aware of that but it's too hot to go anywhere. Plus, I am resisting the urge to go to the mall and start buying things I may not exactly need but just want. The only place that I go to frequently is the bookstore anyway and sadly its closed. My trip to the mall will now be without a trip to my favorite bookstore. That is a tragedy.

I think guys should take lessons from my uncle. It was my uncle's wife's birthday yesterday and he surprised her. He had mentioned that he had concocted something for her birthday but no specifics of course. So when I called my aunt to greet her, she told me what the surprise was. He booked a room at the Ritz Carlton Laguna Niguel. He commissioned my 3 cousins, one of them their daughter to prepare the room with balloons, rose petals on the bed and tub and 36 candles everywhere, one for every year of her life. That was a sweet thing to do after 14 years of marriage and 3 kids. Actually, most of the men in my family have a sweet streak in them. Papa isn't really into big surprises but he has done a lot of small surprises. One of his big surprises was what he did for Mama for her 50th birthday. Mama had no idea that Papa along with my siblings planned a party for her and they invited all her friends from high school to be there. That was a tricky thing to pull off since we live in a small city. One Christmas, Papa was hinting to us that he had big gifts for us but when we opened it, it was a picture frame with our pictures on it. For a second we were disappointed but we realized that he went through all that trouble to do something for us. Now, that picture frame is my favorite gift of all time. My brother once cooked an Italian dinner for a girlfriend one Valentine's Day. Well, he was actually short on money, living off his student's allowance and it was hard to get reservations anywhere. But still, he cooked a penne pasta dish, had roses on the table, wine and decent cutlery. He transformed our tiny apartment into a place straight out of an Italian eatery. I think more than what the surprise was, it is the thought and the effort that counts the most. It is making the other person feel that he or she is special and thought of. It doesn't have to fall on a specific occassion or event. Sometimes the randomness of the action is what makes it really special and unforgettable. I think it's sad when couples start taking each other for granted. That I think starts the downfall of relationships.

Summer Blues

It is only 4 days into what is officially summer season but I am already feeling the heat, literally. I have been sluggish, fatigued these past couple of days. I attributed it to lack of sleep but then again I have always lacked sleep. I don't remember a time in my life that I really went for the suggested or required 8 hours of sleep. I feel nauseous if I sleep for 8 hours or worse when I sleep more than that. So I scratched sleep off the possible reasons why I feel like crap. Then earlier, I had an awakening that it wasn't sleep that I am in need of but water. I am not the biggest water drinker. I do not drink soda either. I am just not the biggest drinker of anything. I not only get the required 8 hours of sleep, I also do not drink the required 8 glasses of water. I am screwed. But, starting tomorrow, I am going to make a conscious effort to drink lots and lots of water. My body is void of any liquid which is what I need the most to survive the next 2 months until summer ends. I want to enjoy summer no matter how hot it's going to be. I have no plans of continuing to feel this way. I also pity the people around me if I continue to be this way. I am not exactly the happiest camper when I do not feel well. This is like PMSing for the next 2 months, No way!

When I lived in Manila for pretty much 5 years, I had allergies during the mornings which was tolerable. Everyone in my family has allergies so it was no big thing. But when I moved here, my allergies escalated from the "during mornings" ones to whole day then to everyday. When the season changes, usually spring and fall, my allergies act up. But its summer and my allergies are bad! When the temperature changes, my sinusitis and migraine make their presence felt. My vacation in Maui was hampered by this as soon as I stepped out of the plane. When I smell newly cut grass, I go into a sneezing fit. I wish people will mow their lawns after I pass. But that is not going to happen. Manila, supposedly has a worse air quality than L.A. but how come I never had all these things when I was there. I do not want to medicate myself as much as possible. I was never used to popping a pill each time I felt sick. But I do not know how long I can take this state. I plan to sit it out and see and if it gets any worse then maybe. But I hope there is a different way to deal with this than through taking some medicines. Funny thing is I work at a doctor's office where pretty much all medications are available for me and I do not take advantage of that.

My mom used to tell us whenever we would be scared of ghost stories that "matakot na kayo sa buhay, wag sa patay" (Be scared of the living not of the dead). I always believed that. Well, its true. What could the dead possibly do to me but scare me out of my wits. The living can inflict pain on me or worse kill me. I tell that to my co-workers and they think I am a lunatic. My co-workers look at me with amazement that I can stay at the office all by myself. But then again its daytime. They supposedly feel some supernatural things going on, hear unusual sounds at the office but for some reasons I get none of those. Maybe I just do not mind them that's why they leave me alone. However, early this morning around 1 am as I was checking my mails, I heard some noises outside our front door. Call me crazy but I didn't exactly bolt out of my chair to go to my room. I actually waited and tried to listen in. It was definitely no ghost or supernatural being. I would have just shrugged it off if it was. As soon as I had that established that's when I decided to forego my mails and just go to sleep. I am not sure if it was an animal or a person going through our trash but I didn't want to find out. But a part of me actually was thinking of taking a peek to see what or who it was. Didn't I say I am a bit crazy?

My one and only working watch broke so I have to get batteries for the others. I am not used to not wearing a watch even when I sleep. But I do not know when I would have the time to go to a watch repair store to get those batteries and have my watches fixed.

This lady almost gave me a bath when I already had one when I passed by her as she was watering her plants. She already went to the side so I would have space to walk without getting soaked but I still had water on me. I think she raised the hose a little too high that's why. I resisted giving her a dagger look since it was far too early to be in a bad mood.

The heat got into me so much that I didn't get anything done at work. In fact, I don't think I did anything at all and it's almost the weekend! Geez!

Today just wasn't my day!

Papa

I know that this post is way overdue. Blame my lack of sleep for my inability to put into words what my heart wants to say. But at least I called to greet you a "Happy Father's Day!" You thanked me for the shirts that Mama bought which she passed on as coming from us. Bless her!

I do not know if I ever said thank you enough for being the Papa that you are. To many you may be an enigma but to us you are an open book. I know that the past year have been a struggle for you. We wished we could do more but we can only give you our understanding and love. It is not always easy. You do get into our nerves sometimes but we understand what you are going through and we try not to add to it. I am glad that you and Mama taught us from an early age to be dependable and independent adults. My siblings and I have bonded into dealing with our individual problems the best that we can without turning to you when we know that you too are facing your own problems. Like you always told us, we relied on each other during those times and we came out of it alright. As long as we have each other other we can weather whatever it is that will come our way. Don't worry it turned out okay, Mama is okay and you it seems are turning out okay as well. Life could not be better.

Things were not always rosy. I resented the fact that your political life took you away from us in so many occasions. I was angry that you had to leave after Camille's kindergarten graduation and Nicco's grade school graduation and didn't join us for dinner because you had to attend a meeting. I was mad that you missed out on so many things in our lives because you had to take care of other things. I also resented the fact that we bore the brunt of your frustration with the problems that was plaguing government. It felt like we were not only carrying our own problems on our shoulders but we were carrying the problems of the entire province as well. Basically, I was mad that we would have to share you now with your constituents when all these times we had your undivided attention. Maybe I was just jealous that is why I felt that way. But eventually I understood and accepted this as part of what is now our reality. This life that you have embarked upon also taught us to be aware of the conditions and struggles of other people outside our secured and comfortable world. It opened our eyes to the world beyond what we have been accustomed to and to count ourselves lucky. Being apolitical in our family was just not possible when you read 5 newspapers daily and you had to have your weekly supply of Time and Newsweek Magazine and you encouraged us to be voracious readers as well. The current political situation was discussed over dinner and I vividly recall that time during the EDSA Revolution when we would listen intently at the radio on what was happening in Manila and you explaining to us in a manner that our young minds will be able to comprehend. You told me that "I should be happy that I grew up in the countryside!" I didn't think of it much before but being far away from home, I look back at those times and it gets me through my homesickness. You ingrained in us that we have a responsibility to be good citizens and good people and we have our own share in making our lives as well as the lives of others better. We carry that awareness up to this day.

People may have an impression of you as someone strict and rigid. Yes, you were strict. We had to be home at a specific time especially during school days. We had to be home at the time we were told to be home and to call in case we would be late. We had to let you know who we are with and where we are going. It was not because you wanted to control our lives but I believe knowing our whereabouts was the middle ground between you allowing us to live our lives the way that we should live it and easing up your worries. In times that we fall off the wagon and we disobey those rules you would call our attention to it. Sometimes it became annoying since you have the penchant of saying it over and over again. And yes it is still annoying up to this day. But we have to accept that because that is who you are. We have had our share of being punished but what sets you apart is the fact that you explain to us why we were punished. At least we know that we were not being punished for nothing. After making us cry you would be the first one to give us a hug and comfort us.

You were involved in our lives but you never meddled. Inspite of the busy schedules that you and Mama followed, you make it a point that we have dinner together and that weekends are spent with family. I enjoyed our late night runs to get barbecue or fruits or whatever it is that you are craving. I also remember how you would indulge us when we want to take a drive the morning after a typhoon. How you tried to play "word factory" with us not knowing the rules. Tell stories of your own childhood when there was a power outage and we would sit outside our porch underneath the bright moon. These are the memories that we will treasure forever not the material things. You are very generous with gifts but more than the material things I believe we appreciate more the life lessons that you have shared with us and the outstanding example that you have shown.

Not a lot of people know that you are a prankster. There have been so many instances that we have been at the receiving end of it. Like that one time that you sprayed cold water on our faces when we refused to wake up one morning for school. Or when you would deliberately step on the brakes which would make us jerk forward on our seats. Or those times when you and Mama would make us go back and forth between the two of you when we would ask permission to go somewhere. Reminiscing those times never fails to bring a smile to my face.

You are a cool dad asking us about our lovelifes and teasing us constantly. You welcomed our friends and treated them like your own children. Even now when you see them you still greet them. You don't know how much that means to my friends that you said hello to them. Their hearts swell with pride when they tell me the story. You opened our house to our friends and made them feel at home . I guess that's why most of our parties at the house would last till morning and yet you and Mama never seemed to mind. That acceptance and your own lasting friendships have been our examples for keeping the friends that we have now.

You may be whatever position you hold outside our house but inside you are Papa. How many father's do you know who would shine our school shoes for us? Clean our boots so it will be ready for our weekend CAT exercise? Deliver Jehann's baked goodies to her buyers? Papa, you did all that and more. You would make sure that we were cool and mosquitoes were at bay during nights where there was no power. When we were all in college in Manila, you would make sure that part of your itinerary would be spending time with us. We like going to the malls with you because you don't complain and you don't rush us. You find yourself a place to sit and wait for us. Plus, you shop at the more pricey places. Even now, you send us text messages just to say hello and to let us know what is going on. It can be too much sometimes but it's okay and we appreciate it.

You turn into mush when it comes to us. I know it was difficult for you to accept that I am far away from home. You wished so many times that I would have been closer but even though it is hard for you, you allowed me still because it is going to be for my own good. I was sad when you wouldn't talk to me when I would call during the first few years that I was away but I understand because you would just break down and cry. I know you are still coming to terms with it and thank you for making an effort. You made everyone at my 18th birthday party cry. You cry a lot when it comes to us that there is a running joke within the family that you will not only need a box of tissue when one of us gets married but a towel. Just opening your letters to me while I was in college was enough to make me cry and your words made me cry even more.

Papa...We have had our moments when I do not understand you and vice versa. But we have managed to get pass it. There were times that we have butted heads I guess because I am stubborn like you. In fact I think the entire family is stubborn. There were times that I was detached because I felt that you expected too much from me and I feel bad when I am not able to live up to them. But I believe that the reason why you push us so much is because you believe we have more to offer than what we are giving. It is that push that made us who we are now. I thank you for treating us like adults, for making us feel that our opinion matters. For being open to what we have to say and listening to them. Thank you for allowing us to be our own persons, for allowing us to grow with your guidance. Thank you for allowing us to make our own decisions and to learn from our own mistakes. You let us make mistakes but knowing that you have our backs, dealing with it makes it easier. Thank you for instilling in us that we should not live under you and Mama's shadows but we would have to cast our own. Thank you for allowing us to fly with our own wings with the assurance that we can always come back home. Thank you for all the support that you have given us which is our source of strength when times get tough. You have a tough road ahead of you with this new challenge that you have embarked upon. Rest assured you have our support much like we have yours. I know that you and Mama still worry about us. I know that you do not trust the world that we live in but I hope that you trust yourselves to believe that you have taught us how to survive and win. Most of all thank you for being the best Papa that any child would love to have. You may not be perfect but you are OUR Papa and that is better than perfection.

Happy Father's Day, Papa! We love you!

Beyond what the eyes can see

It must be June when all of my favorites shows have had their season finales and I have to contend myself with either watching re-runs or finding some other show to watch. So far none has caught my attention until last night. Beauty and the Geek is a brainchild of Ashton Kutcher that is being shown right now on The WB. I am not really a big fan of his. His other show over at MTV was entertaining at first but some of the pranks that they have pulled on other celebrities are already getting tiring, annoying, offensive and downright mean.

I wasn't able to watch the first episode of "Beauty & The Geek" primarily because I wasn't at all interested at first and secondly I wasn't around when it premiered. The labeling truned me off from giving it a chance. I never cared for labels and I always thought that people should never brand themselves as one or the other or box themselves into stereotypes. But then again that is just me. I guess I am a bit sensitive about labels since I have been labeled before of being something which was far from the truth. People are actually surprised to discover that all these times they were wrong about me. But enough of me. Going back to the show, Ashton described it as the "ultimate social experiment". He paired off 7 beauties who may be cerebrally challenged and yet social experts with 7 geeks who are intellectually stimulating but may be lacking in social skills. Some of the beauties were not exactly beauties and some of the geeks didn't look like geeks at all. Each pair competes through a series of activities that is the opposite of their "expertise". The challenge is to equip the other with the much needed information to win the task on hand. Each week a team is eliminated until one pair emerges in the end to win the grand prize.

As I was watching it, aside from the fact that it was actually interesting, it also made me think that maybe through this show people will come to realize that labels are not only hurtful but sometimes these are wrong and misconstrued. I am sure that people whether a beauty, a geek, a jock, a loner and all other "stereotypes" out there have had their own prejudices against other people without really getting to know the other person. It would have been interesting to watch the very first episode when they were all initially introduced to each other and observe the whole dynamics of it. I am guessing it wasn't the prettiest sight. But since they signed on to the show, they would just have to live with it. Maybe that's the whole idea behind it.. put these people who would not normally walk in the same circles in close quarters wherein they would have to deal with each other whether they like it or not. Sometimes, a little coercion or in this case monetary compensation would do us some good to look past the facade that we see. There are more to a person than what our eyes see but either we chose not to see it or we do see it but chose to ignore or brush it aside.

It was just the second episode and it is starting to become apparent that the beauties and the geeks are forming bonds, a connection with each other which would pave the way for better understanding and acceptance of one another. They are all learning from each other which I think would be the best prize they could ever get at the end of this. It would have been ideal had it not been a competition, no pair is being eliminated and everyone will all stick together until the end. But reality is, this is still a game and the producers have to spice it up to hold the audience interest. But at least the contestants are leaving with a better sense of themselves and of the other which would be for their own benefits. I just hope that these people will bring their experiences from the show into the "outside" world when the show ends and make changes in their own lives. These changes are not going to solve the world's problems, curb hunger, save people's lives or end war but at least every bit helps so people will be more accepting of one another. To stop looking at someone as male, female, beauty, geek etc but realizing that we are not at all different from each other because if we really look closely we are all human beings.

Or is it too much to ask from a reality tv show?

The bride wore no veil.

Or something blue. Or something old. or something borrowed. She has something new - her wedding dress. There were no bouquet toss or garter toss or money dance. Was this a wedding? Yes, it was a wedding and the bride wanted it that way. It was her wedding and she will do and should do whatever she wants to.

I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that a dear friend of mine is now married. Until now I am still in disbelief that she now has a husband. I have known Chary along with her twin sister Christy since first grade. A lot of people are really amused and astonished that we have kept in touch all these years. We were classmates from first grade until graduating from high school. During college, we studied in rival schools - the 2 of them went to Ateneo while I went to La Salle. But we never let all that school rivalry put a dampen on our friendship and I am glad for that. We actually couldn't care less. Our friendship was way more important than school spirit. After college we all found ourselves in Southern California just maybe 30 minutes from each other and we try to get together as much as we can. Not a lot of people have maintained friendships as long as we have. I am glad that we have and I am truly blessed.

It was a very nice wedding. With choosing to have it in Maui, Chary and Rick were able to make sure that the people at their wedding were the ones that they really wanted to be there. Just their respective families and close friends were there which made it really intimate. They were at the helm from start to finish. They made the invitations, made the placecards/favors, the menu in specially- made holders all by themselves. It turned out pretty well considering that they saw the church, the reception, the flowers, the cake, picked their song ("Let's Stay Together by Al Green), met their wedding coordinator, photographer and DJ in that same week. All communication were done either through phone or email. This wedding was put together with the use of modern technology. Chary was a far cry from the "bridezillas". She wasn't going to consume herself in making the whole thing perfect and I applaud her for that. After all the imperfections are the one that make the event unforgettable.

The scenery was amazing, the food was great, the dessert was very decadent. It was too pretty to eat but I ate it anyway. Their respective fathers spoke, the groom's cousin, Angelie, who is an amazing singer, serenaded the couple with songs. Derek, the groom's brother-in-law and best man along with Christy, the bride's twin sister and maid of honor offered a toast and it was dancing all night long. She forego doing the bridal bouquet toss and the garter toss since she never enjoyed them, she didn't feel it was fair to subject her single guests to those either.

Chary is embarking into a new chapter in her life. Like she said, "she's a grown-up now". She too had trouble comprehending all the things that happened and will happen to her. If before she had us her friends to rely on now she has an additional person to rely on and that is Rick. She will rely on him first from now on. I know that Rick loves her and she is in good hands.

Congratulations Rick & Chary! Best Wishes!

I wish

I wish to wake up each morning and see one of those. This was just one of the mornings that I woke up to during my stay in Maui. I was there for my dear friend Chary's wedding and my much needed vacation at the same time. The sound of the waves as they roll into shore, warm weather and sunrise such as these were a far cry from the cars, erratic weather of Los Angeles.

The moment we arrived in Maui on Monday, I immediately felt at home and not only because there was a large Filipino population in Maui but the weather and the lifestyle seemed to have transported me back home to Tacloban. This wasn't my first visit to Hawaii but it was my first visit to Maui. Chary and Christy after their visits to the island told me that Maui was like an "improved" Tacloban and they were both right. From the luscious mountains to the clear, blue waters to the laidback atmosphere I would have thought that I was back home but alas I wasn't but at least this was close to home as I could ever be.

The one thing I miss the most from home were the beaches. We have beaches in Southern California but the waters are frigid, not at all conducive to taking a dip unless you are a polar bear or a penguin. The waters in Maui were just the perfect temperature. I promised myself that I will not leave Maui without at least taking a dip. My promise was granted Thursday when by myself I went to the beach and enjoyed the waters. I invited Chary and Christy to come along but they felt that it way too early and would rather just catch up on their sleep. I do not blame them, it was after all 7 AM. I am not usually a morning person but for some reasons during our entire time in Maui my usual wake-up time was 630 AM. It was actually a good time. The shore wasn't that crowded yet save for some people doing their morning walk on the beach and some little kids playing "catch me" with the waves. It would have been perfect if not for the big rocks on the ocean floor. I had a wedding the following day, I had no plans of injuring myself. Good thing, the water was clear enough for me to see where I was going and which areas I should stay away from. But I still stubbed my toes one too many times.

While there, I did something that was out of my "comfort zone". I went parasailing with Chary, Christy, Rick, Tana and Tom. I like rollercoasters so I wasn't all that scared to go parasailing but still scared enough after all we would be suspended 800 feet up in the sky, our dear life dependent only to these harnesses and life vests. Not very comforting at all but at least going as a tandem was comfort enough. Doing it all by myself would have been a different matter. The ascent was not abrupt which was a relief. We were hoisted into the sky really slowly and our height was gradually increased as time went on. I hardly ever felt that we were that high. Rick mentioned that at some point we would feel a sudden gush of wind which brought us higher and when it happened it was actually exciting. It was so tranquil and serene up there. Away from the noise of the people on the shore, the sound of the machines from boats, everything was just shut off and it was a welcome change. After probably being up there for a good 10-15 minutes we were already on our way down. But the captain of the boat decided it would be fun to play a joke on us. He lowered us into the water, low enough that we could have touched the waters below. But before we could be any lower into the waters, we were hoisted back up again. Then as quickly as we were up there, we were back to the boat. Parasailing was fun, I don't mind doing it again.

Hmmm...

My sister Camille is 9 years younger than I am but for some reasons she thinks she can give me advice on my lovelife or lack thereof. She said that my lovelife is starting to get tiresome and bothersome. WHAT?? In some aspects, she is right. It has become a saga of some sorts. The thing is I do not even know if I must continue living in this saga. I am trying to assess things on how they came to this point - years of "maybes" and "what ifs". Some years ago he was my convenient excuse, that I will admit. Maybe because I was too chicken to really reject anyone that I wasn't remotely attracted to. I am afraid of karma that's why. It seems that he was the most plausible excuse I could think of especially when I encountered guys who just doesn't seem to get it. Or maybe it was wishful thinking on my part at that time. Him, being my excuse worked the first time and before I knew it, I have come to use it often. Now I cant seem to break free from it no matter how much I want to. Or do I really want to? Yup, I am one confusing piece of creature. LOL If my sister is tired with it, what about me. I am the one in the middle of all these but it seems to be "easier said than done" to break free from it. Why is that? I don't think I am making any sense with this post but my thoughts are just so muddy right now. For the meantime, I wrote this sometime ago...

My Convenient Excuse

I have used you again as my convenient excuse to discourage would-be suitors. I don't know how many times I have done that, countless time perhaps. All of them you don't know and I have no plans of letting you know. It's not something I am proud of but it has been a comfort to know that I could use that to be able to drive away some people other than you. My reasons? My own selfish reasons that I have someone that I know so well that it comes out so convincingly that there is something more than just friendship between us. My own wishful thinking too that it is possible that we can be more than friends. Pathetic, yes I know!

I don't know if its because we sort of have a history together that its easy for me to just say out the circumstances surrounding your supposed role in my life. I don't have to struggle to come up with some lame excuse, you alone are enough and it has worked so many times. I guess its true what they said " if isn't broken, don't fix it!" But until when will you be my convenient excuse?

Right now, these lines from the song "Last Love Song" of 17:28 & Heart keep on resonating in my brain as well:

Am I trying too hard to keep this love alive

You don't seem to care about this love that we have

I called you last night but you were not there

I didn't hear from you at all today

CHORUS

I can't play this game

I'm just wasting my time

You leave me with no other choice

But to say goodbye

I want to work things out

But what's the point of it if

I have to be in love alone

It's not worth it anymore

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But tears are falling down from my eyes

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

I thought we shared a life that's full of love

But now I realize we shared an empty home

I will cry my last cry before I say bye, bye

I will sing my last love song for you tonight

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But did my best to make things right

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

A year ago..

My sister, Camille wrote a post in her blog which brought back not-so great memories of the year before. I don't think I ever really came to grips with it. Sure, I grieved. Sure I was angry. Sure I was hurt. Sure, I cried but until now I still wonder what happened.

Twelve years ago when Papa first voiced his desire to run for public office, it was met with apprehension and opposition. I remember asking him why he wanted to run. I remember his answer very vividly "because I want to help people!". "But you can help people without having to go into politics!" was my reply. He did not say anything else after that. Try as we may to discourage him from running for office to a point of Mama saying that she was going to leave for the States but of course she never did, we failed in our efforts. Papa was set on running for office whether we agreed with it or not. Of course, we couldn't abandon him in the time that he needed us the most so with apprehension, we relented and supported him because this is what he wanted to do.

Unlike other children of public servants (I refuse to call Papa a politician), we didn't really bask in its glow. In fact, we try to shy away from it. I don't think people even knew that we are his children even when we were already in front of them. It was great to still have that certain level of anonymity and we treasured our privacy. It was just a good thing that Papa also tried with all his might to separate his public life from his private life. As much as possible he didn't hold meetings at our house and only those close to him really knew where we lived. It doesn't really make a big difference since we came from a small city anyway but still. My siblings and I tried with all our might to be the anti-thesis of your typical children of those in politics. We knew we lived in a fish bowl. We knew that our every move would be closely observed and scrutinized. This is why all of us made a conscious effort to make sure that people will have nothing on us. We never allowed the position that he now holds to define who we are. We lived our lives as normal as possible. We lived our lives like we always lived it. We are still Papa's children, his position in the government is not going to change that nor would we allow it to change. A lot of people have told us to take advantage of it but we didn't feel good doing so. This is one thing that we are very proud of to this very day.

For 9 years he was boardmember for the 2nd District of Leyte and after that 3 years of being the Vice Governor. Then election 2004 came, he thought that he would seek higher office so he decided to run for Congress. We knew that this was going to be a risky move and a costly one at that. Not to mention dangerous since he will be up against the incumbent who for some reasons always felt that Papa was a thorn in her flesh. We knew the inner makings of this opponent and we knew how she works. It was going to be a tough battle but Papa thought it was time and so we supported him like always. They may have won the election but for sure for a moment there we gave them quite a fight, one that they will always remember. We gave them a tough fight, so tough that they had to bring out their biggest artillery - money just to make sure that they would win the election. Money that isn't theirs in the first place. We sure made them sweat big time. They gloated when they won but what is good with winning when it wasn't done in the most honorable way. We may have lost the election but we didn't lose self-respect and dignity. I do not know if they can say the same thing about themselves. It just goes to show to what great lengths people will go just to hang on and cling on to a position they hold so dearly. If I sound bitter, yes I am to some degree but not because we didn't win but because of the circumstances why we didn't.

We were confident that people have matured, that they will vote wisely but once again we were disappointed. It looked promising but in the end money still called the shots. People said we were cheated. I know that for a fact. I didn't have to be there to know that but what more can we do. What can we do if the people wanted what they don't deserve and need?

I was in the state of shock and disbelief. I felt like taking the first plane out to be with my family but I know that Papa and Mama would just be more disheartened. I had to be strong for my family. Mama, bless her heart kept a brave front for everyone when inside she was deeply hurt. My brother and sisters were all disheartened, saddened, disappointed, frustrated, hurt and at times angry. My sister's other entry pretty much summed up what they were feeling back home. Me, I didn't know what to say or how to react or how to feel. Once it was confirmed that we didn't win the election, I decided to go to a church with the full intention of crying my eyes out. But once I was there I could only sit and stare at the altar. I was numb. I knew I needed to cry or shout or be angry or anything. By this time, Papa had apologized to us his children. Apologize for what? For believing and hoping that people will be receptive to his brand of public service? He said he made the wrong decision. Papa didn't make a wrong decision, the people made a wrong decision, one that they would have to live with for the next 3 years. Then Christy called me to ask how I was and before I knew it, I was bawling. I cried like I never cried before. I knew that as friends they will allow me to do that and she did. I think what stopped me from crying before with my family was that fact that I didn't want them to suffer more than they already were. Had they known how I was feeling, it would just make them more sad and that's the last thing I wanted them to feel. They already had enough issues to deal with I didn't feel good adding to it.

It has been one year! So many things have changed. Papa is more at home now with Mama. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's not. Having spent 12 years of his life serving people, it was quite a change not doing it all of a sudden. He needed to adjust again and sometimes it wasn't a pretty sight. We try to be more understanding and empathetic, he is slowly getting there. He is not really totally out of the whole scene because at least some people acknowledge his efforts, wisdom and opinion. He is still serving the people just not holding an elected position. In my opinion this is better because at least his judgment wouldn't be clouded by what other people's opinion would be or whether they are going to like it or not. His concern would be if it is going to be beneficial to everyone in the long run. He is still angry sometimes and saddened by the events as all of us. I think more than being angry we are disappointed, frustrated and saddened that people turned their backs on us but at least in this way we know now who our real supporters are. Papa is still contemplating of running for office again. If the family will be asked, we prefer that he doesn't anymore but just like 12 years ago no matter how much we oppose, he will still go ahead with it. All we can do is just be there for him and support him. I just hope that the people have learned something by that time. I don't think Papa deserves to go through it again. Actually if the same thing happens again then maybe the people of Leyte are not only ready for Papa's brand of politics but they do not deserve him.

Happy Anniversary Mama & Papa!

Today is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary! I am so sad I wasn't with them to celebrate it. Come to think of it none of their children were there. In some sense, I think its good because this was their time. Knowing my parents, had we been home it would have been a family affair. My parents seldom go out on their own. I think they really deserve to especially now that all of us are adults and pretty much out of the house. This time should be all about them and not anymore about us, their children.

I don't know much the story on how my parents met. Sad isn't it? Well when we ask we don't really get a straight answer anyway. I wonder why. All I know is that my mom used to watch their bakeshop and my dad would buy bread often until he pretty much became a regular fixture. Plus I think their respective brothers were friends and that's how they knew about each other that's why Mama said "ay oo kilala ko na yan!" when they were formally introduced. I think Papa is Mama's first boyfriend but she had suitors before. I am really curious what made both decide that the other person was the one he/she would want to spend his/her life with. I have always been curious but hasn't had the chance or courage to ask.

As much or as little I know on how they met, I know how they are together. I told myself that if I get half of the relationship that my parents have I will be happy. Of course, theirs isn't a perfect relationship. Whoever thinks that they have a perfect relationship is either delusional or in denial. Relationships especially marriage has its share of ups and downs. It's sticking through it and working through it that makes a difference. I am sure that at some point either or both have contemplated giving up but there is a reason why it never materialized. They seem to be able to work through it. The one thing that I admire about my parents relationship is the level of respect they have for each other. They may not understand why the other person thinks the way he or she does but they will respect that. Papa and Mama may individually complain about the other but they have learned to accept that it is part of who they are. Papa, being the head of the family never undermined Mama's role. In fact she is held in the highest regard. They were equal partners in the whole relationship.

My parents are both independent individuals which borderlines stubbornness sometimes. This is funny because according to Papa, Mama is stubborn and Mama thinks the same way. I guess we are a family of stubborns. LOL But not once did I see a power struggle between the two of them. If anything, there has been a unity in their decision on how they are going to raise us, their children. Papa and Mama made decisions as a unit. If one said no, the other will never overturn it. Asking permission to go anywhere or do anything has been a funny experience for them but an irritating one for us. Case in point, I would ask permission from Mama and she would tell me to ask Papa. So I go to Papa only to be told to ask Mama. So what is left for me to do? They look at each other, smile and say yes. But only after me having been standing there with a confused and bewildered look on my face.

My parents can not be any more different. Papa is an extrovert while Mama is an introvert. Papa, having been in politics for almost 12 years is used to being in the public eye while Mama prefers to stay home. Papa is the chatty one who fishes information from us while Mama will take whatever story you want to tell her. She wont press. My siblings and I joke that she is a major "NR" - no reaction sometimes. Papa tends to forget where he last put down his eyeglasses, pen or keys while Mama knows the exact location of something which makes it hard to lie about looking for it because she can tell if we looked hard enough or not. Papa is medyo "makalat" sometimes, shredding his shoes, clothes around the house while Mama can be majorly OC. Papa doesn't know how to pack while Mama has mastered it like a science. If one needs to pack something, call her and she can fit a lot of stuff in a box with a 70 lbs limit. Both are disciplinarians but heavy punishment is left to Papa. However, if Papa wasn't around, Mama wont wait till Papa arrives. Papa attended all PTA meetings the entire time we were in school. In fact, he was I believe the longest serving PTA president. Mama never once went to a PTA meeting but any other school activities she was there with all the supplies imaginable like food, extra clothes, towels and of course her support.

Both of them were busy people when we were growing up. Papa worked at the bank and Mama had the bakery to manage but they were always there for us. Papa made sure that he drove us to school every morning and picked us up in the afternoon even if we had a driver to do that. Mama wakes us up every morning and makes our milk or Milo before we head out even if we had a housekeeper to do that. We always have dinner together everyday and Sundays we always go to mass together. When we were all off to college in Manila, they would fly out of Tacloban to visit pretty often. They would call often and now send text message often as well. But for some reasons it never felt like they were smothering us. They knew when to keep their distance and allowed us to be who we want to be.

Our parents gave us all the best that life could offer to a point of sacrificing themselves to be able to provide for us. Our parents have shielded and protected us with all their might from the world's cruelties but they also allowed us to learn through our mistakes. Our parents kept us close but they also allowed us to spread our wings and discover the world. Our parents with apprehension allowed us to leave the comforts of home but never failed to tell us that we can always go back home. We owe them so much and no matter how much we try I don't think we can ever repay them for everything that they have done for us. We can always strive to be better children and better people, that much we can do. After all whoever we are reflects on the kind of parents they are and vice versa. Words are not enough to show our gratitude but we can always try. On this occasion of your anniversary, in behalf of my siblings we can only say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! WE LOVE YOU!"

The weekend that was...

I am back to work after a weekend of seeing long time friends (didn't want to use "old") in Las Vegas. My friend Chary is getting married in June and she wanted a bridal shower in Las Vegas. So her twin, Chisty or Xsty as we have been spelling her nickname and I planned it. Aside from the 3 of us, we would be meeting 3 other friends who flew from all over the U.S. - Rhyna flew from Indiana, Abigail and Sandy flew from Texas. They wouldn't be able to make to Chary's wedding in Maui so they decided to come for her bridal shower. Accommodations wouldn't be a problem since my uncle has a house. That detail set aside we wanted it to be a fun, relaxing weekend of spa, shopping, dinner, a show and hanging out .

Friday - we set out to leave early, knowing the traffic that we should expect which is pretty much normal in any drive to Las Vegas from L.A. Early here meant 5PM since we all had work that we couldn't leave early from. Tana, Xsty's friend was so nice to drive us, never mind if he would be in the company of women all weekend. It was a pretty okay drive. Save for a short area where it was kind of slow, the rest of the drive was pretty smooth. We got into my uncle's house close to midnight already so we decided to call it a day after all we have an early start the next day.

Saturday - even though it was my uncle's house I was still "namamahay" which I will define as the inability to fall asleep in other's people's homes. I wasn't able to sleep right away and yet I woke up early. We have a spa appointment at 2PM which was so nicely arranged by Abigail. We all decided to meet up at Bally's where our spa appointments would be. Rhyna was the first to arrive then Abby and Sandy soon followed. With 6 people needing to check in and all of us trying to catch up with each other's lives it was pretty chaotic. We all have the reason to really be excited after all we haven't seen each other in a long time. Well, Chary, Xsty and myself try to see each as much as we can. We live pretty close to each other. But the others were a totally different story. I last saw Rhyna 2003 in Chicago, Abigail & Sandy last year. The others were a different story though. Abigail hasn't seen Rhyna since 1992 when Abby left Tacloban. Rhyna hasn't seen Chary and Xsty since 2000 and she will meet Sandy for the first time.

In between our massages, facials, paraffin what have you's we hanged out at the jacuzzis and steam rooms catching up. It was fun to do all these girly stuff with friends. For most of us this was our first spa visit. I decided to just get the half-hour aromatherapy massage since I didn't know what to expect so I decided to start with the basic. Good decision on my part. The masseuse asked me what oils I wanted and since I wanted to be relax, I picked peppermint and lavender. It was so luxurious. The pressure was just enough and it felt good after. We took advantage of all the facilities available for us and did all the possible "kikay" stuff that you could ever imagine. There was a full vanity dresser with all the hair dryers, curling irons, flat irons imaginable which was great. Our activities were carefully timed so we wouldn't be rushing and all so we really took our time.

Once everyone was ready, we took the walk to Bellagio where we decided to have a buffet dinner. Everything in Vegas is pretty much accessible with the crosswalks in every corner but try walking in heels and its not exactly a walk in the park. So for the price of beauty we took every pain in. The weather was pretty warm for this time of year which was great. There was a long line at the buffet and we were already hungry but since we were already there, we decided to stand in line. Good thing it wasn't much of a wait. Our heads were spinning with the choices that we have but at least they were all good ones especially the dessert ones. My friends were pretty shocked to see my dessert choices which I will save for future posts when I have the picture to be presented as evidence.

Our show was still at 10:30 so we had so much time to walk around the hotel. It was a good coincidence that Menardo, a classmate from high school was also in town together with his wife and officemates. So we all decided to meet up in Bellagio as well. It was great seeing him again. I think the last time I saw him was 7 years ago. We got introduced to his wife, Nova and of course the must thing to do had to be done - picture taking! LOL

After parting ways, we once again walked the trek back to Bally's in time for our show, Jubilee which was this classic Las Vegas show. The show was interesting to say the least. Chary said she was a bit distracted because of the costumes or lack thereof during some parts. Still, it was something new to see. After the show, we decided to find a place where we can just chill. Of course, women that we are, save for Tana it took awhile before we came up with the decision. We went to Paris to see what we can find. We found this little lounge with a live band (2 of the band members are Pinoy) in one corner decided that this was the place. Abigail decided to start the night by ordering a round of tequila in honor of the bride-to-be. Being that we are not exactly young like we used to be and don't drink as much as we used to, the shot was a bit strong for our liking. After tequila, we had a round of Midori Sours. After that needless to say we were all a bit happy and tipsy. We decided to call, actually Chary decided to call Chito, another friend who lives in the East Coast. By my calculation it was around 5:15 AM his time. I am pretty sure we roused him from his sleep. LOL But it was still great. By this time alcohol and then lack of sleep is already taking a toll. At around 3 we decided to call it a night...or should I say day. After saying our byes (Abby and Sandy slept at the hotel since they've got employee privileges) the rest of us headed for our home for the weekend. By this time and after 2 bottles of water, I was pretty much sober and awake so we ended talking some more. We finally went to bed around 5 as the sun was already about to rise.

Sunday - for some reasons I still woke up at 8:30 which means that I only slept for 3 hours! While my housemates were fast asleep I decided to start tidying the house up. No one really lives in that house. The only time there are people there is when my uncle and his family or family members feel like going to Vegas. Well, at least its better than having to pay a big amount for a hotel room used for just sleeping and taking a bath. We are going to meet Abby and Sandy for brunch before we start our drive back to L.A. The 3 ladies (Abby, Sandy and Rhyna) do not leave Vegas till Monday. On our way back to Bellagio for brunch we already saw the traffic that we would have to endure so Tana decided that it would be best if we wait it out which means we have time to go shopping at the outlet stores. We had some dimsum which was just right after that heavy dinner we had the previous night. We were all pretty excited to go shopping but our excitement soon waned because of the heat. It was so hot that the sun was pretty much taking out all our energy. We ended up just going to Banana Republic and just walked in and out of the other stores. After subjecting ourselves to that heat, we dropped off Abigail and Rhyna off at the hotel and on our way back to L.A. we go. Good thing we waited it out because the traffic wasn't so bad anymore again save for some parts. But then again that was just the after effect of the accident that happened early. It was close to 11 when I got home, my body drained of energy, my eyes begging for sleep and my brain not at all functioning but still glad for this weekend to be with friends and great company! Next stop April or August 2006 - Houston, Texas!

more pics updated 5/25

What's in the name?

It was one boring day at work so I decided to check out the meaning of my name and those of my siblings. I have received a good number of response about my name. I didn't use to get that much attention back in the Philippines but I do now. There are still the times when people misspell (i.e. Riza, Raiza, Raisa) and mispronounce my name. There are three ways that I know of "Rah-ee-za:, "Raye-za" or "Ray-za" Plus, there is also the question whether I am Russian. Which really surprises me because for one I do not think I look Russian at all. The only thing Russian with my name is that I share the name of the former First Lady of the Soviet Union who is Raisa Gorbachev. The only difference is she only has one "s" while I have two. LOL

When I was baptized, my dad was asked by the priest if he was not going to add a "Maria" before my name. My dad refused to do so because he didn't want me to be burdened by it later on. So, I ended up with just Raissa. According to my dad, he saw that name from a contributor of Time Magazine and decided way before I was born that he would name his child Raissa. I don't know if there is a connection that even at a young age I was already reading Time Magazine or it was just a mere coincidence. The one after me was another girl who was named Jehann. People always make a mistake in pronouncing her name. Some people say it as "Je-hann" when it is actually just one syllable. It came from Jihan who was the name of Anwar Sadat's wife, the President of Egypt I believe. My dad first wanted Vanessa but my mom vetoed it. At this point, there is Russian, then Egyptian. Our only brother was supposed to be named Marcelius but then again our mom vetoed it so it became Niccolo from Italy. He was named after Niccolo Machiavelli. Then our youngest sister who came 6 years after was named Camille which is French. I don't remember if there were any other names that they were considering. So now we have Russian, Egyptian, Italian and French. Aside from coming from other parts of the world, we all have double letters and we have short names. The most is only 7 letters.

For so many years that is all we know about our names. No one really thought of looking it up or something. But out of my boredom, I decided to search for the meanings of our names. I find out that there are more to our names than we know. My name for example was not originally Russian but French and means "thinker". Hmmmm... When I searched for Jehann's it came out with two results: originally Arabic meaning "the world" and French meaning the feminine form of Jean. My brother's was right though. It is indeed Italian and means "victorious; conqueror of the people" and dear baby sister Camille, like her Ate Jehann her name came out with two results: Latin meaning "virginal; unblemished character" and French meaning "free-born; noble". I got these meanings from http://www.parenthoodweb.com/babynames.html.

It has been said that parents will know what name to give their child when they see him or her. I do not know what our parents were thinking or feeling at that point which made them decide to give us our names. I was satisfied with the explanation that I used to give including the misconception of me being Russian. But now with this new information, I really do not know what to think of it just yet. Will I be able to live up to the meaning of my name? Or do I even have to? Does knowing give me knowledge or does it give me pressure? Or maybe I should just look at this new found edition the same way with what drove me to look it up in the first place...because it might be fun. How about you? Do you know what your name means?

1 hour & 10 minutes

This day has been annoyingly slow for me. I still have an hour and 10 minutes before I head out of this office. I really am not in the best conditions to work but I have to or else I will be left with a mountain of work to do when I come back from vacation. No way! So what have I done this day aside from "hardly working"?

* ate "Filipinos"! Nope! I have not resorted to cannibalism or eating my own people but these are amazingly good donut shaped chocolate cookies coated with white chocolate that a friend of mine gave me as "pasalubong" from Spain. Yummy!

* listening to music both OPM - MYMP yeah! and amazingly enough Korean music, usually the ones from the series that I have seen or will see. Yup, music is a universal language. Don't need to really understand it just feel. Though it would help if I know what it is about.

* browsing the web for a worthwhile thing to read, usually anything about Tacloban or Eastern Visayas. I think I am feeling a tad homesick and since I already spoke with my parents last night, I decided to get my cure from the web. I found a site that promotes the music of Eastern Visayas and I found this site musica waraynon, and discovered "Aila", which is pronounced as "ay la" short for "ayaw la". Amazing band. Love their songs especially "Away"!

* still on Leyte..I haven't been home in 7 years so I am pretty sure a lot has changed. I might even get lost already that's what my Dad said which I am sure will be the truth. Aside from getting lost, I probably would know fewer people. Though a number of my friends or at least people I know have stayed in Tacloban, most of my friends are either in Cebu, Manila or States. So I was checking out what's new in Tacloban and I came across this website for a bistro which I am sure my parents or my siblings have mentioned. calle zaragoza. Hmmm sounds promising and they have amazing food so that is one thing on my list to go to when I find myself home. I was browsing through the photo galleries and imagine my shock to see a familiar face after pages of people I don't recognize. It is Mano Lito Tuang, who is sort of an "adopted" child of my parents! Mano Lito

* aside from places to visit and people to see in Tacloban, the one thing that I will most definitely do is be at home. I miss our house! I miss Mana Mila's cooking. I miss our room! Everything! Most of all I will be with family who I miss the most! ::SIGH:: San-o daw la!