Disturbing

I don't know if I have just been out of school for far too long and these are the signs of the times or there is just something seriously wrong with the educational system that my cousin is under.

I got a call again yesterday from my aunt double checking if she got the spelling of the word "tranquilize" right. Yes, I am not only my family's resident editor of written works but the spell checker, dictionary, encyclopedia and thesaurus as well. Anyway, I spelled it for her and she got it right then she asked what the proper use of the word would be - if its present or past tense. I told her depends on the sentence. She gave me the sentence - "Next is to tranquilize the elephant". I told her it was "tranquilize". Then as it sunk in, it bothered me what my 2nd grader cousin's homework was about. It turned that they were told to write a step-by-step direction on "how to capture a wild elephant". I was shocked. Why the heck would the teacher assign such a thing? Instead of a direction on how to capture an elephant, shouldn't it be about preserving them especially now that a lot of animals are going extinct. I told my aunt to end it at "putting the elephant into a truck to be taken to the zoo" after that horrific step. It bothered me so much that I had trouble sleeping.

Granted that it has been ages ago since I was a 2nd grader myself but I certainly do not remember having such an assignment. If for anything it was about how life came about with that monggo seed that we had to plant in a tiny plastic cup and see its progress on a daily basis. We were not taught on how to"capture animals". We were taught on how to take care of animals and other living things. Sometimes, I wonder what lessons children nowadays are being exposed to. Its bad enough that the world is already chaotic and violent, why teach them almost the same thing in school? And we wonder why children nowadays are the way they are. Blame has been put on movies, tv shows and video games with the proliferation of violence among the youth and little did we know that it started in school...at such a young age.

I am just wondering what it would be like when my own kids go to school. What would teachers be teaching them by then? I used to think that maybe the educational system in the Philippines can be better but looking back now maybe I had it good than what my cousins are exposed to in what is supposed to be a rich country. If due to circumstances, my future children will be exposed to these types of lessons I think I would be the loudest one there to decry such teachings. Teachers may hate me but I don't think its right to be paying as much tuition as parents already are for our kids to be taught to be violent to animals. Animals now, who's next?

Singelringen

From the first time I saw the ad in a magazine of A.Diamond.Is.Forever's "diamond right hand ring" I wanted one. The marketing of it hit me like a wave. The right.hand.ring was a celebration of who I am and who I want to be. The ad even went to as far as saying that the one on your left hand is a celebration of the day you were married, the one on the right is a celebration of the day you were born. It symbolizes one's personality, one's independence, now who wouldn't want that. This was one of the designs that I would have wanted.

But, these rings don't come cheap so I can only dream of it for the meantime and save up for it. Then I read over at kikay exchange about this new thing from Sweden called "Singelringen" which is now available in the Philippines and the US. "Singelringen" which means "ring for singles" is for both men and women. Like the "right hand ring" this too is worn on the right hand. It celebrates one's status and conscious choice for now which is that of being single. What makes this ring very interesting is the fact that if you look closely in the inside rim of the ring is a series of numbers. This is the registration number of each ring. Once purchased, the owner registers the ring in the website (http://www.singelringen.com), and this allows the owner to communicate with other singles in the world. Browsing through the site, one can also make an "anonymous request" which is basically a query if a particular person is still single. I am curious how this would work though. Unless that other person purchased a "singelringen" as well and registered, I think it would be hard to know if he or she is still single. But its worth a try. Who knows. In these age of F.riendster and M.y S.pace and other social network sites, here is another one that could possibly bring people together. Its amazing what people come up with.

I actually just want the ring. I think its also a good gift to give to my single friends, the number of which is dwindling down fast. Though I can buy it online, its a bit tricky with the ring size. I think if I would shell out that much money I would want it to fit me perfectly. So the search is on in finding a store that carries this.

It's all relative

I once joked to my cousin that why is it that I am related to some of the nicest and good-looking guys. Here are guys who I think have a lot of potentials but downside is I am related to them in a big way that its out of the question.

One is a son of my second cousin. I just newly discovered that he is a relative. I just met him when I came to the States and he was at one of our family parties. I noticed him right away, he was a new face after all. Plus, who wouldn't? He is tall, good-looking, nicely built, nice skin color, soft-spoken and quite intelligent. He is the same age as I am. He was also interested in getting to know some of his relatives most of whom he has only recently found out of their existence. In the few times that he would be at family parties, we have always talked and he is just interesting. He lives quite far and not always able to come to our parties but when there is an opportunity to invite him and me, being the family event planner and all, I include him in the list. If one thinks about it, our connection is already pretty far but in F.ilipino culture, once tagged as a relative is a relative and therefore hands-off. Besides, his last name is my middle name so that is just too weird.

Not that my other guy cousins do not belong in the list of nice and good-looking guys but there are just too many of them to mention so I have to pick one. I think one of the nicest and good looking guys is Mikey. He is the son who at 17 took over being the "head of the family" when his father died. Even while his dad was still alive, Mikey was already a sensitive, mature, responsible guy so it wasn't a surprise that he has taken his new role quite well and has adapted to it easily. Being the only boy in a brood of 5, he is used to female company add to that his female cousins. Even he is the only guy in the group, he doesn't mind. One time, we were at an accessories store, the girls going all crazy, where was Mikey? Right in the middle of the store, just waiting for us to finish, not once did he tell us to hurry up or scowled at us or anything. He just waited until we were done. He also waited for me and Cassey when we went to watch a movie once after he and Chantal already brought the younger kids into the theater. When I asked what he was doing there, he said so we would know where we were sitting. Some girl will be very lucky to be loved by this guy and I hope she knows how lucky she is.

And there is my brother, Niccolo. I didn't use to think he was nice or good-looking. I could never look at him that way. In high school a teacher told me "kabuotan nala nimo brother" (your brother is kind). I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't want to badmouth my brother but in my mind I was asking myself if we were talking about the same guy. My brother was a pain growing up like all younger brothers. But as he grew older, his kindness came to the surface. Maybe he has been nice all these times but we, his sisters just didn't realize it. He is really sweet and caring, a good listener too. Maybe he overdoes it a bit sometimes when he makes "lambing" to our mom. He is nauseatingly sweet sometimes. But that is just his nature. At 27, he still follows with no questions when our parents tell him to do something - wash the dishes, drive people around, do errands, etc. He doesn't complain, well not in front of our parents but he does to us but he will still do it anyway. He is a gentleman, mature, responsible, sensitive so its no wonder we, his sisters tend to turn overprotective when it comes to girls for him. My friends and some people have told me that he is good looking. At first I was like "eww". He is my brother for goodness sakes, I am not supposed to think that he is. Well, now I do and I have to after all he is my brother. A lot of girls have taken advantage of his kindness and have broken his heart. They have no idea what they have let go of. Well its their loss anyway. Someone worthy will eventually come along.

Well, its pretty unfair to compare other guys to them but it cannot be helped. When one is surrounded with such good quality of guys, its pretty much expected that we would want if not the same at least comparable for ourselves. Not much in terms of physicality but its a plus but more on character. When you have guys like these who think the world of you, you would want someone like that as well.

40 days

It has been 40 days since Tito Augie passed away. Our tears have all dried out but it still doesn't ease the fact that we still have this emptiness in our hearts. Forty days have passed and yet we all are still in disbelief that he has left us forever. Somehow at the back of our minds, we are waiting for a moment that he would appear and tell us "gotcha, joke's on you!" But we know that wouldn't happen so we just need to do what we need to do.. move on with our lives. I admit it was pretty hard. A friend validated that but also said that we still have to move on. Our lives have to go on. We just put in our minds that he has left us because he has already served his purpose and we have memories of him to remember him by. We talk about him because in that way we heal ourselves and also our way of not forgetting him. Looking back, some of our interactions with him were pretty simple, ordinary even but now we realize lessons and wisdom were embedded in those. Those are the ones that allow us to finally come to an acceptance that he is no longer around but his spirit remains with us.

Probably because we were close in age so he treats me more of a friend than a niece. He was our "taga-tagay" when we would have drinking sessions, peppered with his jokes and comments. There were times that I felt he was too cocky and wanted attention so much but I realize now that he was just being himself and he just wanted to enjoy each moment that he had with us. I had a tiff with him once because I didn't like one comment he made. It was a comment that I felt was disparaging to people from Leyte and one that he didn't have a right making since he hasn't been there. It wasn't the first time but at that particular day, I didn't get much sleep and was cranky and then I heard his comment so I gave a snide comeback. But after that all was well with us. In think it even made him know and respect me more so he has ceased making such comments at least within my hearing shot.

Tito Augie was the type of uncle that I would both love and dread to introduce a guy friend to. I would have loved to introduce a guy friend to him because he has a way of making people feel comfortable and welcomed. I have seen how he is when we introduce new people to him, he would go out of his way to make them feel welcomed, talked to them, gave them his attention. But it also depends on the person. My cousin said it well when he said that people either love of hate Tito Augie. But the difference is even if one hates him you will still like him a little, if that even makes any sense. I would dread it though because he would definitely put someone or me on the spot with his teasing. He did that a lot so if a person is "pikon" or lacks sense of humor, he/she wouldn't like Tito Augie that much. But that will be the true test though because if one will be able to come out of a meeting with him alive, the rest of the family would be easy.

He puts so much importance on family. He doesn't fail to remind us, cousins that we have to stick together because we are family. He always told me that he will be there for me when I would need him. Their house is open for me and if I need anything to just call. He was that accommodating and available. I remember one time that the bus I was riding in broke down and it was getting dark, I called him and he came to pick me up even if I was out of his way. He particularly enjoyed it when all of us cousins are all together and I am glad that on one of few times before he died we were all together. He spoke to us on a level that we will all understand. He never exerted this status of "I am your uncle, you do as I say" thing. If we spoke, he listened intently and gave advice when he had to. He also would word his advice in a manner that even my youngest of cousin would understand. He dealt with us on our own levels from my 3 year old cousin to my 40 something cousin.

His jokes, stories, comments, wisdom and company are what we all miss the most but these are also the ones that are carrying us through. When we talk and we do our own remembrance of him, we still take lessons from them. It is only now that we are starting to realize that what we thought he said before was a given seemed to be now our saving grace and that is each other. We are all dealing with the loss as best as we can but the important thing is we are dealing with it together as a family. He must be smiling down on us right now.

It all came down to this...

Four years of school. Five months of review. Four Sundays of whole day exams, my brother Nicco wearing his red San.Beda Law jacket emerged from the Engineering gate of DLSU along with his fellow Bedan barristers. Nicco told me that it has been a tradition with the Bedan barristers to come out of DLSU all at the same time wearing their jackets amid the beer splashing and loud cheers.

Mama said that weariness was written all over his face. But I also saw relief. That was what he told me to when I finally spoke with him. What is commendable is that Nicco has maintained a positive attitude throughout. Apryll, a family friend and one of my closest friends saw him and mentioned how relaxed Nicco was compared to how she was when she took it last year. Even through a bout with cough, Nicco still maintained his laid-back attitude which we all envy. He said he has done all that he could. His fate now lies on the hands of the people checking their exams.

Up until the Saturday before the last exam, my parents haven't seen Nicco for the entire month of September. Though they spoke to him regularly, my brother asked that they didn't come to Manila for the first day and just on the last day instead. It did my parents good because knowing them they wouldn't be able to mask the concern and the helplessness that they felt as Nicco goes into the biggest "pressure cooker" of all. In fact, my dad was an emotional wreck the first two Sundays. They even had relatives around on the first day. He knows how big this is for Nicco and like any parent if he could deal with the pressure instead of my brother, he would do it in a heartbeat. My sisters and I just told Papa that he has to keep it together because this is the last thing that Nicco has to be concerned with. I was emotional too but I tried to keep it in check. I have faith in my brother that he will be able to pull through. The less stress and worry the better. This is also why we made sure that he didn't know about our uncle's passing until the 3rd week of his exams. He died just before his first day.

My parents along with my sister and cousin were early and they were pretty anxious while waiting. Mama likened it to waiting for someone who has been incarcerated for a long time. Well, it did almost feel like that since as soon as he was done with school, his life has all been about review with an occasional breaks here and there. So it was such a relief for my parents to finally see him after such a long time. Camille said that it was such an emotional moment. Mama cried. I was expecting Papa would but he didn't but Mama said that he was already about to. I even cry just by looking at these pictures.

I kind of had an idea how a barops look like but I didn't realize how huge it was until my sister would constantly text us for updates as they were waiting near Mc.Donalds. The exam wasn't going to end until 5 PM but they were already in the vicinity by 330 so they could find a good spot to meet him. Papa said as early as noon, roads leading to DLSU were already closed and different schools were already setting up. Mama had chills seeing such a sea of people all anticipating the emergence of some 6, 344 barristers, the highest in history who took the chance of becoming full-fledged lawyers. It seemed like one big block party with bands, cheers, beers and even food.

I only have one brother but in the course of this journey that Nicco took, my sisters and I have gained 3 more. They have become more than my brother's classmates and friends. During trying times and Camille's hospitalizations they have been there not only for Nicco but for Camille as well. So it was such a nice gesture that they all went to meet up with my parents after.

Al, Anton, JP & Nicco - the worst is over. Have fun for the time being. Worry about the results when its near. =)

High octane

I am both tired and refreshed if that even makes any sense. I am tired and sleepy because I had an insane idea to clean my room at 11PM. Refreshed because I have finally got rid of some of the junk that has been accumulating in my room. Its liberating to not see a lot of clutter.

It all started when I was folding my clothes after doing laundry and before I know it I was arranging them according to color and turned my attention to my books and fixed them, threw out some of the useless papers that I just shove into my desk without even looking at it. All these while listening to some good music. Usually when I am cleaning I put in some rock music or dance music but since it was almost midnight and lest I want to be the source of my aunt's grouchiness the next morning, I settled for jazz - Mishka.Adams and world - Cynthia.Alexander. Not really the type of music I would listen to when I am cleaning but I compensated by popping some Sour.Patch.Kids gummies. So I was running on high octane fuel so late at night.

As I was sifting through the tons of papers, mails, cards on my desk, I came across letters that I haven't read in a long time. One was a letter from a very good friend of mine given to me before I left. She spoke of our friendship being able to stand the distance that will be separating us and she was right because it has been 8 years and I can safely say that our friendship has endured if not improved through time and distance. Sure, we may not talk to each other as often as we would want to given our busy lives but the fact remains that we both know that we will have each other's undivided attention when we find ourselves online the same time or when I get the chance to call her up. We can pretty much pick up where we left off. Its like we have never been apart.

Another one that I was surprised to read was a birthday card sent to me by another good friend back in 2001. It was written in her usual sarcastic, funny way but she wrote something that perplexed me. She said that though people say that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the truth is..

"The best way to a man's heart is to give him your heart."

She then told me to think about it. I don't remember what my reaction was when I first read it. And now? I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. I admit I am a bit lost but maybe I should ask her about this. That is if she still remembers ever writing this to me.

There were two cards/letters there that upon looking at the postmark, its going to be 10 years next year since I got them. First class stamp was just 32 cents then, its now 39 cents. The adhesive on the envelope has dried out. The flap is easy to open. The little note in one of the envelopes is faded but still readable. The card is torn in two. I was almost tempted to read it but I decided against it. I just looked at it. I don't think things will change if I read them anyway. I actually believed every word that was written in those letters but now I wonder if it was even real to begin with or was just a figment of my imagination that I made myself believe it to be true. I don't know if it was coincidence that I was just conversing with the sender of those letters hours before I chanced upon them. The message was actually a surprise since prior to last night, the last time I heard anything was a week ago. Maybe one day I will read the letters again. For now, I placed them along with the other letters in this envelope and found a place for it on my desk.

With the letters safely tucked in, I continued cleaning and prepared my weekend bag. I usually go to my aunt's house on weekends so I pretty much just refills my bag. It really shouldn't be called a weekend bag since I usually bring almost a week's worth of change of clothes but I want to be ready for anything and it amuses my cousins so why change it. At 2 AM, tiredness came over me. Despite that it was late, I actually felt energized but I knew that I still had one more work day left on my week, I had to give in. Looking at my clean, organized room was enough to send me into deep slumber.

Cousins

Phew! what a week!

If I survive this week, I don't think I have any right to complain that I am stressed. I think this week takes the cake, blue ribbon and trophy in one for being the most stressful week any person can ever live. Actually, my stress didn't just start this week, its started some months back when we were preparing for Lola's party and it escalated as the even got nearer. After the party, we still had relatives around so we really haven't been able to take a rest but it was a good kind of stress. However, starting the past weekend, it has been a bad kind of stress with my uncle being rushed to the hospital on Friday and passing away on Saturday. Saturday, we started the 9-day novena along with consoling my aunt and cousins and helping put things in order: food for the 9 days, arrangements for viewing, funeral etc on top of that still trying to wrap our fingers around the reality that he is not coming back. This weekend is also my cousin's wedding. He and my uncle are not blood related so none of those "pamahiins". So basically I have a funeral and a wedding to go to this weekend.

Looking at my schedule alone is already making me stressed.

Friday is the viewing from 10-3 and again at 3-9. Then at 630 we have wedding rehearsals to go to and a dinner following after that.

Saturday at 9AM is the funeral and the wedding is at 3PM. Good thing I am not part of the bridal party so I don't have to be early but I am reading during the mass at the wedding. I still don't have the reading materials with me and I have a small stage fright. So its really important that I have the materials beforehand lest I want to embarrass myself. We were hoping that the funeral wont be the same day but there was no other available schedule. So here we are with a funeral and a wedding all in the same day.

Before that I have to make the ribbons for the chair covers that is going to be used at the wedding on Thursday which happens to be today. I might even have to still iron the ribbons. I ironed some last Monday which prevented me from starting on the ribbons. So I guess we will be pulling an all nighter today making 250 ribbons. On Saturday at 430 we still have to put the chair covers and ribbons before the 530 reception. How are we going to do this?? Help!! Oh I am also one of the "to-go to" people at the wedding to relieve the bride and groom some of the little things.

I don't have a silver bag to wear to the wedding so I may have to squeeze some mall time between all these flurry of activities.

I brought enough change of clothes to last me a week when its only for a weekend. I think we may have to change clothes before going home from the funeral only to change again into our clothes for the wedding. Something about not bringing bad luck to the house when coming from a funeral. Moving in and out of clothes already takes time.

With the heat that we have been having, a shower is needed as well. That's another time to be spent.

Mr. Time where are you???

Life is beautiful.
Life is good.
but it can be hard and sad.
Life is unpredictable
Life is unfair
But we still have to live it
we still have to learn from it
because at the end of the day
it is all that we've got and
we dont know when it will be taken away

We had a lesson in this today when my uncle all of 39 years of him had a brain aneurysm and its been massive and irreversible. We are just waiting for the inevitable which is the sucky part. We know that his life would come to an end but we just dont know when it would be, All that we can do is wait. What saddens me aside from the part that he is so young is that my aunt would be a young widow and my cousins would be orphaned so young. He has 5 kids with ages ranging from 17 to 8. The eldest, Mikey is probably the most responsible 17 year old I know. How he takes care of his mom and his 4 sisters is beyond commendable even when his father was still active. Now with the end looming, a big responsibility will be resting on his small shoulders to carry on the family. It seems that he has been prepared all his life for this day that he would have to carry on the responsibilities. They wont be short in support system because they have us, their family around them. My uncle has been given the next 48 hours to show improvement. Though there is no more brain activity and therefore is now considered clinically dead, we are still holding out hope for some miracle to happen. If not the miracle of life restored, maybe the miracle is not in that but in reconciliation and unity among the family members and I saw that earlier today. Its sad that a tragedy like this had to happen but maybe some people are just bound to sacrifice their own life to save others not only from ourselves but also from each other.

Pictures

We did it!

The party was a big success! Everyone had fun and it was organized. It wasn't perfect which I didn't mind but the point is, everyone had a blast. My lola was grateful and she really enjoyed her party. There were no major glitches, no dramas, we were on schedule and we were within budget. People it seems didn't want to leave. I even had to tell the staff at the venue to turn on the lights because people were still dancing long after the end of our time. Guests liked the venue, the food, the music, the flowers. We had some technical difficulties but we timed dinner in such a way that even if we had gaps in the program no one would be bored because they will be busy eating.

My cousins prepared 4 dance numbers: modern, maglalatik, pandanggo sa ilaw and tinikling which brought the house down. Bear in mind that no professional teacher was hired to teach my cousins. My aunt had a dvd of Philippine.Dances and they just watched it and taught themselves. The tinikling was such a hit that it warranted an encore which my cousins did. The modern dance was first danced back in 1999 thus its music is still in a tape. It has been a tradition to dance it at every family party and it never gets old. K.Miles and I were the ones who taught them the dance back then and now the older cousins are the ones teaching the younger ones.

I am tired and I am still recovering but it brings smile to my face when my relatives and the guests would tell me how much they enjoyed the party and commended me for a job well done. I couldn't have done it by myself. All of my cousins pitched in and stepped up and they share the accolades too. It has been 4 days since the party and people are still talking about it and that makes me glad.

My full account of the party is to follow when my brain is already back to its fully functioning mode. Right now, its still on a sleepy mode.

I am stressed coz I am not stressing

HUH?? Yup, I am weird that way.

Its 3 days before my Lola's birthday. Its 3 days to the event that my cousins and I planned, prepared for the past few months. Its 3 days to the event that will or will not prove that we, the younger generation is capable to coming up with something with as little help as possible from the older generation. We still have things to do. I have not crossed out much from the list in my previous post especially the script part. I don't even have as much as an intro written. I have all the reasons to panic and to be stressed. But the thing is... I AM NOT! Which is scaring me a whole lot.

I really should be raking my brains out right now to write something sensible. I really should have given the script already to the hosts so they can practice. I really should have the seating arrangement done by now (its just halfway done.) I should have already started with the gift box but until now its still a folded piece of carton waiting to be assembled, shaped into a treasure chest and put the trimmings. We should have the guestbook done by now but its only now that we have decided on what we are going to have. Its not really a hard task to do but still a task added to the already enormous one we have.

We can do this! We did not come this far to fail. I don't think that we will. I have faith in myself and in my cousins that we will be able to pull this through. I guess the reason why I am not stressing is because I am not doing everything as some people think. I have disseminated the tasks to my other cousins and the mere fact that they are all stepping up is the reason why I am not at all stressing that much. Besides, nothing will be accomplished if I am going to allow myself be overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility and task on hand. I already know that there is a lot of pressure and expectations, I don't need to constantly remind myself of it because if I will it will just take all the sanity out of me.

Ask me again on Friday if I am still not stressing. Who knows if my story would have changed by then.

To-do list

• Finalize guests count and give to caterer (guests are still giving their RSVP, one week after the date I set) Geez!
• Make seating arrangement (its tough coz we have to be sensitive to those who cant stand to be near each other)
• Make and decorate box for the gifts for Saturday
• Buy 5 lighters (it will take 5 people to light all 85 candles in my Lola's cake or cupcakes)
• Coordinate with the 4 hosts on what they need to do on Saturday (they better not be lame)
• Buy flowers at 5 AM Saturday (rolling out of bed *sigh*)
• Make centerpieces (25 vases) Kaya namin ito!
• Set up venue for party (2 hours prior - 430PM)
• Coordinate with cousins pertaining to their parts in the program
• Write the script for the program, give it to the hosts and oversee their practice AAHHHHHHHHHHHH
• Make sure finances are in order and enough to cover all expenses
• Do Lola's make-up (maybe, just be prepared)
• Have the strength to face problems on the day itself, especially comments from people and have the sensibility to make quick decisions when needed.
• Have the strength for the after-party
• Have fun regardless!!

*SIGH*

Dark polish

I must really be stressed because I have been blogging daily this whole week. That and I have so many things in my mind that I need to release from my system. At least my blog wont take offense to whatever it is that I have to say. *sigh*

I think my nail polish is reflective of what my emotions have been for the past few weeks. When I would venture into the nail polish section of the drugstore, I find myself focused on the dark tint ones. In fact my last 3 purchases have been really dark ones. I had my nails done and I picked the darkest one of all. I went to the salon today not only because it was the only free time I have until the party but also to perk myself up and it did. I so needed that time alone when negativity was so far away from me. For that brief moment no one else mattered but myself. It was nice. It may have not erased "the _____ state" that I mentioned in my previous post but at least it gave me time to reflect a bit. I used to associate dark polish with melancholy but weird thing is right at this point I am associating my dark polish with freedom. For once, I picked a color not because it was cute or what people would expect but I picked one that I wanted regardless of what people will say. I think I will keep it for as long as I feel like it. It's making me feel good, maybe not happy but at least good.

A __________ state

A cousin told me something yesterday that made me think. She said that when she looks at me she feels that I have this sense of sadness within me. She cant explain to me how or why she feels that way but she does. I do feel sometimes that I am not happy but I also feel that I am not unhappy. I am in that state of something I cannot find the words to describe or explain. Its like feeling alone in the midst of a crowd. I believe that this is just a phase that I am going through. For how long? I wish I have the answers but I don't. But one thing is clear to me, I know I will come out of this state, I just have to search for the answer. I just have to find it within me.

Just enough

I apologize for the downer that my past posts have been. Just needed to vent. So after venting, I felt I need a bit of a sugar rush. So it was such a relief that I found myself in B.everly H.ills yesterday to oversee the installation of the new system in the store. My boss owns a small pizza place in B.everly H.ills called F*rankie & J*ohnnies. Being that it is situated in the main street going towards R.odeo drive, the store has its share of VIP customers. Yesterday was no exception. It was this Scott guy who is P.aris H.ilton's music producer who came with two big bodyguards one of whom was responsible in carrying his LV attache case. They are regulars at the store.

But that wasn't the highlight of my almost 7 hour stay at the store but this...

S.prinkles Cupcakes!

I have always wanted to try it after hearing so many good words about it. But since I don't usually venture into that part of town, I haven't had a chance to until yesterday. The store is just half a block away from the pizza place. So I went there before they closed at 7, fell in line. I was told lines are a usual sight in front of the store. But today I guess it wasn't so bad since though I was in line at least inside the store and not in the sidewalk. The actress who played Claudia, L.acey C.habert in the tv show P.arty of F.ive was also in line in front of me. She is pretty but I didn't recognize her right away. She was practically a kid when she was in that show. She was nice. She smiled at me. No air at all. After some time I finally got hold of this...

with my 4 cupcakes: vanilla, red velvet, black and white and lemon coconut. It was pretty pricey for a cupcake but for a full experience at least just not get one cupcake. I went back to the store happy as I passed by M.onique L.huillier's shop along the way. It was also in the same block but it was closed. Save that for another day.

I didn't eat all 4 cupcakes by myself. I gave two to my nieces and brought the rest with me to work. I ate the vanilla one and I like it. But I would have liked it more had the frosting wasn't too thick but the sprinkles on top was a nice touch. I am saving the red velvet one for later. I think the cupcakes are good enough size to have one's fill of sugar for the day. It was just enough to fill my craving for now at least. I will save tasting of the other flavors for next time.

Another highlight was the last minute meet-up with C.hrissie. Its been awhile since we had a get together so this impromptu one was such a treat. Maybe next time she and I can explore the other restaurants in the area because there's a lot.

Ignorance is NOT bliss

We worked on the favors last night and once again, an aunt said that an explanation must be given/read why these are treasure boxes. This isn't the first time I heard about it but maybe my aunt was thinking more on the basis that guests may not get why the favors are such. But as she is repeatedly asking, it seems she herself and who knows who else DON'T get it either.

Okay, what is it about the treasure box as a theme for a person's 85th birthday they don't get. Sometimes, I wonder if they even know their mother at all. A treasure chest is typically made of wood, the sturdy kind. It has a simple exterior to mask the gems inside. It is made to survive good and bad weather. My Lola is just like that. To anyone who has seen her, it would be such a shock to know that she had 15 kids, all natural birth. She is a small lady and yet underneath all that is a wealth of memories, experiences and history. We put anything that we hold dear, what we hold important, things that we have accumulated over the years in a treasure box and once we open it, stories come surging. That is Lola.

I guess they got so used to just having colors as theme like last year for Lola's 84th, we all wore red. All the decorations were red and that's it. But this time, we, the cousins decided to go with a different approach. We decided on a theme that will best capture who Lola is, what she is, what means to us, her travels and travails. It was not easy coming up with a theme because we wanted to encapsulate anything and everything about her, thus a treasure box. Our centerpieces are more towards the rustic side, which is being met with apprehension right now. And what have they seen so far? Oh just empty frosted flower vases and matte gold candle holders with star cut-outs. By the day of the event, we plan to fill the vase with fresh flowers, put tealight candles inside the candle holders and put them on top of the table.

If they don't get it, ask me. Not that I am hearing snide comments when I don't need to. If they have questions, direct them to me and not me hearing it from people. I swear its such a coward thing to do. I don't like it at all. Here we are cousins doing the best that we can given the limited resources and money that we have, is it too much to ask if they could be more considerate and positive? They are bringing my younger cousins' morale down and I am trying to rally them up. I need a long vacation after this.

Rollercoaster

I am an adrenaline junkie. I love rollercoasters. The bigger, the better. The faster it is, the more I love it. However, when it comes to emotions I hate it. These past few days have been a rollercoaster of sorts for me. A whole myriad of emotions has filled me. From upset to disappointed to frustrated to happy to excited. Just about every possible emotion in the spectrum I think I have been through.

I was upset a few days ago with that relative who is pushing it that she was asked by my Lola to be the host. Knowing Lola it could be true or it could not be. I have to double check that. But most definitely, I will make sure that this relative will never go near any microphone on my Lola's birthday especially after finding out that she may have volunteered herself to say something during the party of her brother-in-law's father in-law. Magulo ba? A person she barely even know. Well ganun siya ka-atribida! I have heard her talk and not that shes a bad speaker but she has the tendency to say comments that she's not supposed to and I find it inappropriate. I leave the room when she starts talking because I know I wont like whatever she is going to say. Good if she wants to help but her interference no one really appreciates and taking potshots at people in a public place and what is supposed to be a happy event is not only rude but tacky and in poor taste.

I was disheartened with some of my family members because instead of helping are bringing everyone's morale down. I don't think they believe that the 3rd generation will be able to pull something as being at the helm of the planning for Lola's birthday. Like the favors for instance, we still have 2 weeks to finish them. This is the only thing left for us to do that is large in scale. They haven't even seen the finished product, me comment na na di kanais-nais! Rather than saying negative things, they should at least offer suggestions. Reklamo na nga walang pang suggestions! Labo! But I have came up with something as a counter-attack. I am psyching my cousins, challenging them that this is what the 2nd generation feels and they don't like it one bit which is making them step up. I think some family members think like this because it looks like we are not doing much but just because they don't see it, it doesn't mean its not happening. So we are going to show them and make them eat their words.

I am so happy and proud of my cousins for stepping up when I ask them to. Just this morning I didn't have anyone to host, now I have three and willing ones at that. Not coerced by their parents nor bribed by me. I am happy that my parents taught me to take the high road when faced with such things. I am happy that I got a call this morning from the Philippines at that. Thanks Kuya Miles and Ate Joelle for the suggestions, ideas and encouragement. I am happy that things are falling into place and its us cousins who are doing it and that we can do anything as long as we put our minds together. I love my parents! I love my siblings and I love my cousins.

I am excited for the party. I know and I believe we can pull this off. There's still 12 days before the party and I am sure I will be on many more rollercoaster rides prior to it and who knows after. Its fine as long as I am not riding it alone. I think I am in pretty good company.

Control

When I started writing this blog, this became my avenue where I can pour out all of my thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to say what I wanted to say. However, recently I have noticed that I have been holding back a little bit. I have filtered my own self. I guess it was my way to shield myself, to keep a part of me hidden. At first it was fine but as time passes, it has started to feel like a noose tightening around my neck. I am unable to breathe. I may have wanted to have some control over what certain people will know but I know that when I put myself out there, it meant letting go of that control. Its not saying I will be over the place but I will only concentrate on things I can control and not anymore on the things that I know try as I may I cannot ever control. Its actually freeing to have been able to just throw caution to the wind and not worry about other things.

****

I know its tough for some of my relatives to not have anything to do with preparations for my Lola's birthday. I know its tough to just take a backseat to us cousins who in their mind are just a bunch of kids. Its hard letting go of that control over the details that they have always had until now. To a stranger looking in, it may seem like my cousins and I are not on the same page. But we are. We have been for a long time. We have our own little group going on where things are discussed and decided upon pretty much openly and democratically. This is how we get things done. Its our own little world. I think this is why now that we are pretty much in homestretch to the party, everyone it seems are coming out of whatever cave or rock they came from and are making their presence felt. I am fine with some because I know "ayaw nila mapahiya" like as if my cousins and I are going to allow that. But with some, I am very adamant in controlling some things because I know, I can already see the repercussions and frankly its not a pretty picture. In these instances that I still have full control I will use it. This is not something that is out of my hands, this is something that I know if I stick with it would be more beneficial for everyone involved. I also do not like the fact that my cousins and I will be stripped off of the credit that is due us. This is not about being recognized. We don't need to be. We are not doing this because we are going to gain something but we are doing so out of our love and respect for her. I don't know if I can say the same for some other people out there. There is one person who is the LAST person I want to be visible and for her to call me that supposedly she is being asked to be the host is just upsetting. Ano yun kami ang nagtanim at naghirap tapos siya ang aani? She is in the dark because not only is it the way I want it to be but because it is what it is supposed to be. This is must be a happy event even if some needs to check their egos at the door and for her to be front and center is just going to upset the majority and make my cousins and I look bad. NO WAY!! Even if supposedly she was asked by Lola to be the host, (which I doubt is what really happened) I think since I was at the helm from the beginning, it should be my call on who I will put as host. I have to sit down with Lola about this. The initial plan was for the cousins to be the one who will plan everything with the assistance of the aunts and uncles. On the day itself, they will just come as guests. I don't know what part of "guests" that some people don't get that they are trying to interfere now. If I sound like I am bit harsh, I have to be, I need to be. This party is for Lola and no one else and if making sure that it will be a happy event entails hurting some egos along the way so be it. I am sure my cousins share the same sentiments.

Hope floats

HOPE
Author Unknown

If you can look at the sunset and smile,
then you still have hope.

If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower,
then you still have hope.

If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly,
then you still have hope.

If the smile of a child can still warm your heart,
then you still have hope.

If you can see the good in other people,
then you still have hope.

If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep,
then you still have hope.

If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder,
then you still have hope.

If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips,
then you still have hope.

If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism,
then you still have hope.

If you give people the benefit of a doubt,
then you still have hope.

If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life,
then you still have hope.

If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise,
then you still have hope.

If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration,
then you still have hope.

If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end,
then you still have hope.

If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection,
then you still have hope.

If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey,
then you still have hope.

If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy,
then you still have hope.

If you can look to the past and smile,
then you still have hope.

If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up
and end the conversation with the phrase..."yeah....BUT.."
then you still have hope.

Hope is such a marvelous thing. It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides,
but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can.

It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead,
when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.

Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.

Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.

Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.

Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured,
and something that will refresh us in return.

And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.

Never lose hope.

PRAYER
"Lord, fill me with your Holy Spirit and give me joy in seeking you
more closely. Increase my faith in all your promises, my hope in the
joys of heaven, and my love for You as my All."

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My cousin has been sharing with us inspirational passages like these, just wanted to share.