The bride wore no veil.

Or something blue. Or something old. or something borrowed. She has something new - her wedding dress. There were no bouquet toss or garter toss or money dance. Was this a wedding? Yes, it was a wedding and the bride wanted it that way. It was her wedding and she will do and should do whatever she wants to.

I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that a dear friend of mine is now married. Until now I am still in disbelief that she now has a husband. I have known Chary along with her twin sister Christy since first grade. A lot of people are really amused and astonished that we have kept in touch all these years. We were classmates from first grade until graduating from high school. During college, we studied in rival schools - the 2 of them went to Ateneo while I went to La Salle. But we never let all that school rivalry put a dampen on our friendship and I am glad for that. We actually couldn't care less. Our friendship was way more important than school spirit. After college we all found ourselves in Southern California just maybe 30 minutes from each other and we try to get together as much as we can. Not a lot of people have maintained friendships as long as we have. I am glad that we have and I am truly blessed.

It was a very nice wedding. With choosing to have it in Maui, Chary and Rick were able to make sure that the people at their wedding were the ones that they really wanted to be there. Just their respective families and close friends were there which made it really intimate. They were at the helm from start to finish. They made the invitations, made the placecards/favors, the menu in specially- made holders all by themselves. It turned out pretty well considering that they saw the church, the reception, the flowers, the cake, picked their song ("Let's Stay Together by Al Green), met their wedding coordinator, photographer and DJ in that same week. All communication were done either through phone or email. This wedding was put together with the use of modern technology. Chary was a far cry from the "bridezillas". She wasn't going to consume herself in making the whole thing perfect and I applaud her for that. After all the imperfections are the one that make the event unforgettable.

The scenery was amazing, the food was great, the dessert was very decadent. It was too pretty to eat but I ate it anyway. Their respective fathers spoke, the groom's cousin, Angelie, who is an amazing singer, serenaded the couple with songs. Derek, the groom's brother-in-law and best man along with Christy, the bride's twin sister and maid of honor offered a toast and it was dancing all night long. She forego doing the bridal bouquet toss and the garter toss since she never enjoyed them, she didn't feel it was fair to subject her single guests to those either.

Chary is embarking into a new chapter in her life. Like she said, "she's a grown-up now". She too had trouble comprehending all the things that happened and will happen to her. If before she had us her friends to rely on now she has an additional person to rely on and that is Rick. She will rely on him first from now on. I know that Rick loves her and she is in good hands.

Congratulations Rick & Chary! Best Wishes!

I wish

I wish to wake up each morning and see one of those. This was just one of the mornings that I woke up to during my stay in Maui. I was there for my dear friend Chary's wedding and my much needed vacation at the same time. The sound of the waves as they roll into shore, warm weather and sunrise such as these were a far cry from the cars, erratic weather of Los Angeles.

The moment we arrived in Maui on Monday, I immediately felt at home and not only because there was a large Filipino population in Maui but the weather and the lifestyle seemed to have transported me back home to Tacloban. This wasn't my first visit to Hawaii but it was my first visit to Maui. Chary and Christy after their visits to the island told me that Maui was like an "improved" Tacloban and they were both right. From the luscious mountains to the clear, blue waters to the laidback atmosphere I would have thought that I was back home but alas I wasn't but at least this was close to home as I could ever be.

The one thing I miss the most from home were the beaches. We have beaches in Southern California but the waters are frigid, not at all conducive to taking a dip unless you are a polar bear or a penguin. The waters in Maui were just the perfect temperature. I promised myself that I will not leave Maui without at least taking a dip. My promise was granted Thursday when by myself I went to the beach and enjoyed the waters. I invited Chary and Christy to come along but they felt that it way too early and would rather just catch up on their sleep. I do not blame them, it was after all 7 AM. I am not usually a morning person but for some reasons during our entire time in Maui my usual wake-up time was 630 AM. It was actually a good time. The shore wasn't that crowded yet save for some people doing their morning walk on the beach and some little kids playing "catch me" with the waves. It would have been perfect if not for the big rocks on the ocean floor. I had a wedding the following day, I had no plans of injuring myself. Good thing, the water was clear enough for me to see where I was going and which areas I should stay away from. But I still stubbed my toes one too many times.

While there, I did something that was out of my "comfort zone". I went parasailing with Chary, Christy, Rick, Tana and Tom. I like rollercoasters so I wasn't all that scared to go parasailing but still scared enough after all we would be suspended 800 feet up in the sky, our dear life dependent only to these harnesses and life vests. Not very comforting at all but at least going as a tandem was comfort enough. Doing it all by myself would have been a different matter. The ascent was not abrupt which was a relief. We were hoisted into the sky really slowly and our height was gradually increased as time went on. I hardly ever felt that we were that high. Rick mentioned that at some point we would feel a sudden gush of wind which brought us higher and when it happened it was actually exciting. It was so tranquil and serene up there. Away from the noise of the people on the shore, the sound of the machines from boats, everything was just shut off and it was a welcome change. After probably being up there for a good 10-15 minutes we were already on our way down. But the captain of the boat decided it would be fun to play a joke on us. He lowered us into the water, low enough that we could have touched the waters below. But before we could be any lower into the waters, we were hoisted back up again. Then as quickly as we were up there, we were back to the boat. Parasailing was fun, I don't mind doing it again.

Hmmm...

My sister Camille is 9 years younger than I am but for some reasons she thinks she can give me advice on my lovelife or lack thereof. She said that my lovelife is starting to get tiresome and bothersome. WHAT?? In some aspects, she is right. It has become a saga of some sorts. The thing is I do not even know if I must continue living in this saga. I am trying to assess things on how they came to this point - years of "maybes" and "what ifs". Some years ago he was my convenient excuse, that I will admit. Maybe because I was too chicken to really reject anyone that I wasn't remotely attracted to. I am afraid of karma that's why. It seems that he was the most plausible excuse I could think of especially when I encountered guys who just doesn't seem to get it. Or maybe it was wishful thinking on my part at that time. Him, being my excuse worked the first time and before I knew it, I have come to use it often. Now I cant seem to break free from it no matter how much I want to. Or do I really want to? Yup, I am one confusing piece of creature. LOL If my sister is tired with it, what about me. I am the one in the middle of all these but it seems to be "easier said than done" to break free from it. Why is that? I don't think I am making any sense with this post but my thoughts are just so muddy right now. For the meantime, I wrote this sometime ago...

My Convenient Excuse

I have used you again as my convenient excuse to discourage would-be suitors. I don't know how many times I have done that, countless time perhaps. All of them you don't know and I have no plans of letting you know. It's not something I am proud of but it has been a comfort to know that I could use that to be able to drive away some people other than you. My reasons? My own selfish reasons that I have someone that I know so well that it comes out so convincingly that there is something more than just friendship between us. My own wishful thinking too that it is possible that we can be more than friends. Pathetic, yes I know!

I don't know if its because we sort of have a history together that its easy for me to just say out the circumstances surrounding your supposed role in my life. I don't have to struggle to come up with some lame excuse, you alone are enough and it has worked so many times. I guess its true what they said " if isn't broken, don't fix it!" But until when will you be my convenient excuse?

Right now, these lines from the song "Last Love Song" of 17:28 & Heart keep on resonating in my brain as well:

Am I trying too hard to keep this love alive

You don't seem to care about this love that we have

I called you last night but you were not there

I didn't hear from you at all today

CHORUS

I can't play this game

I'm just wasting my time

You leave me with no other choice

But to say goodbye

I want to work things out

But what's the point of it if

I have to be in love alone

It's not worth it anymore

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But tears are falling down from my eyes

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

I thought we shared a life that's full of love

But now I realize we shared an empty home

I will cry my last cry before I say bye, bye

I will sing my last love song for you tonight

It's hard for me to say goodbye

But did my best to make things right

I'm sorry, I'm sorry but we tried

A year ago..

My sister, Camille wrote a post in her blog which brought back not-so great memories of the year before. I don't think I ever really came to grips with it. Sure, I grieved. Sure I was angry. Sure I was hurt. Sure, I cried but until now I still wonder what happened.

Twelve years ago when Papa first voiced his desire to run for public office, it was met with apprehension and opposition. I remember asking him why he wanted to run. I remember his answer very vividly "because I want to help people!". "But you can help people without having to go into politics!" was my reply. He did not say anything else after that. Try as we may to discourage him from running for office to a point of Mama saying that she was going to leave for the States but of course she never did, we failed in our efforts. Papa was set on running for office whether we agreed with it or not. Of course, we couldn't abandon him in the time that he needed us the most so with apprehension, we relented and supported him because this is what he wanted to do.

Unlike other children of public servants (I refuse to call Papa a politician), we didn't really bask in its glow. In fact, we try to shy away from it. I don't think people even knew that we are his children even when we were already in front of them. It was great to still have that certain level of anonymity and we treasured our privacy. It was just a good thing that Papa also tried with all his might to separate his public life from his private life. As much as possible he didn't hold meetings at our house and only those close to him really knew where we lived. It doesn't really make a big difference since we came from a small city anyway but still. My siblings and I tried with all our might to be the anti-thesis of your typical children of those in politics. We knew we lived in a fish bowl. We knew that our every move would be closely observed and scrutinized. This is why all of us made a conscious effort to make sure that people will have nothing on us. We never allowed the position that he now holds to define who we are. We lived our lives as normal as possible. We lived our lives like we always lived it. We are still Papa's children, his position in the government is not going to change that nor would we allow it to change. A lot of people have told us to take advantage of it but we didn't feel good doing so. This is one thing that we are very proud of to this very day.

For 9 years he was boardmember for the 2nd District of Leyte and after that 3 years of being the Vice Governor. Then election 2004 came, he thought that he would seek higher office so he decided to run for Congress. We knew that this was going to be a risky move and a costly one at that. Not to mention dangerous since he will be up against the incumbent who for some reasons always felt that Papa was a thorn in her flesh. We knew the inner makings of this opponent and we knew how she works. It was going to be a tough battle but Papa thought it was time and so we supported him like always. They may have won the election but for sure for a moment there we gave them quite a fight, one that they will always remember. We gave them a tough fight, so tough that they had to bring out their biggest artillery - money just to make sure that they would win the election. Money that isn't theirs in the first place. We sure made them sweat big time. They gloated when they won but what is good with winning when it wasn't done in the most honorable way. We may have lost the election but we didn't lose self-respect and dignity. I do not know if they can say the same thing about themselves. It just goes to show to what great lengths people will go just to hang on and cling on to a position they hold so dearly. If I sound bitter, yes I am to some degree but not because we didn't win but because of the circumstances why we didn't.

We were confident that people have matured, that they will vote wisely but once again we were disappointed. It looked promising but in the end money still called the shots. People said we were cheated. I know that for a fact. I didn't have to be there to know that but what more can we do. What can we do if the people wanted what they don't deserve and need?

I was in the state of shock and disbelief. I felt like taking the first plane out to be with my family but I know that Papa and Mama would just be more disheartened. I had to be strong for my family. Mama, bless her heart kept a brave front for everyone when inside she was deeply hurt. My brother and sisters were all disheartened, saddened, disappointed, frustrated, hurt and at times angry. My sister's other entry pretty much summed up what they were feeling back home. Me, I didn't know what to say or how to react or how to feel. Once it was confirmed that we didn't win the election, I decided to go to a church with the full intention of crying my eyes out. But once I was there I could only sit and stare at the altar. I was numb. I knew I needed to cry or shout or be angry or anything. By this time, Papa had apologized to us his children. Apologize for what? For believing and hoping that people will be receptive to his brand of public service? He said he made the wrong decision. Papa didn't make a wrong decision, the people made a wrong decision, one that they would have to live with for the next 3 years. Then Christy called me to ask how I was and before I knew it, I was bawling. I cried like I never cried before. I knew that as friends they will allow me to do that and she did. I think what stopped me from crying before with my family was that fact that I didn't want them to suffer more than they already were. Had they known how I was feeling, it would just make them more sad and that's the last thing I wanted them to feel. They already had enough issues to deal with I didn't feel good adding to it.

It has been one year! So many things have changed. Papa is more at home now with Mama. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's not. Having spent 12 years of his life serving people, it was quite a change not doing it all of a sudden. He needed to adjust again and sometimes it wasn't a pretty sight. We try to be more understanding and empathetic, he is slowly getting there. He is not really totally out of the whole scene because at least some people acknowledge his efforts, wisdom and opinion. He is still serving the people just not holding an elected position. In my opinion this is better because at least his judgment wouldn't be clouded by what other people's opinion would be or whether they are going to like it or not. His concern would be if it is going to be beneficial to everyone in the long run. He is still angry sometimes and saddened by the events as all of us. I think more than being angry we are disappointed, frustrated and saddened that people turned their backs on us but at least in this way we know now who our real supporters are. Papa is still contemplating of running for office again. If the family will be asked, we prefer that he doesn't anymore but just like 12 years ago no matter how much we oppose, he will still go ahead with it. All we can do is just be there for him and support him. I just hope that the people have learned something by that time. I don't think Papa deserves to go through it again. Actually if the same thing happens again then maybe the people of Leyte are not only ready for Papa's brand of politics but they do not deserve him.

Happy Anniversary Mama & Papa!

Today is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary! I am so sad I wasn't with them to celebrate it. Come to think of it none of their children were there. In some sense, I think its good because this was their time. Knowing my parents, had we been home it would have been a family affair. My parents seldom go out on their own. I think they really deserve to especially now that all of us are adults and pretty much out of the house. This time should be all about them and not anymore about us, their children.

I don't know much the story on how my parents met. Sad isn't it? Well when we ask we don't really get a straight answer anyway. I wonder why. All I know is that my mom used to watch their bakeshop and my dad would buy bread often until he pretty much became a regular fixture. Plus I think their respective brothers were friends and that's how they knew about each other that's why Mama said "ay oo kilala ko na yan!" when they were formally introduced. I think Papa is Mama's first boyfriend but she had suitors before. I am really curious what made both decide that the other person was the one he/she would want to spend his/her life with. I have always been curious but hasn't had the chance or courage to ask.

As much or as little I know on how they met, I know how they are together. I told myself that if I get half of the relationship that my parents have I will be happy. Of course, theirs isn't a perfect relationship. Whoever thinks that they have a perfect relationship is either delusional or in denial. Relationships especially marriage has its share of ups and downs. It's sticking through it and working through it that makes a difference. I am sure that at some point either or both have contemplated giving up but there is a reason why it never materialized. They seem to be able to work through it. The one thing that I admire about my parents relationship is the level of respect they have for each other. They may not understand why the other person thinks the way he or she does but they will respect that. Papa and Mama may individually complain about the other but they have learned to accept that it is part of who they are. Papa, being the head of the family never undermined Mama's role. In fact she is held in the highest regard. They were equal partners in the whole relationship.

My parents are both independent individuals which borderlines stubbornness sometimes. This is funny because according to Papa, Mama is stubborn and Mama thinks the same way. I guess we are a family of stubborns. LOL But not once did I see a power struggle between the two of them. If anything, there has been a unity in their decision on how they are going to raise us, their children. Papa and Mama made decisions as a unit. If one said no, the other will never overturn it. Asking permission to go anywhere or do anything has been a funny experience for them but an irritating one for us. Case in point, I would ask permission from Mama and she would tell me to ask Papa. So I go to Papa only to be told to ask Mama. So what is left for me to do? They look at each other, smile and say yes. But only after me having been standing there with a confused and bewildered look on my face.

My parents can not be any more different. Papa is an extrovert while Mama is an introvert. Papa, having been in politics for almost 12 years is used to being in the public eye while Mama prefers to stay home. Papa is the chatty one who fishes information from us while Mama will take whatever story you want to tell her. She wont press. My siblings and I joke that she is a major "NR" - no reaction sometimes. Papa tends to forget where he last put down his eyeglasses, pen or keys while Mama knows the exact location of something which makes it hard to lie about looking for it because she can tell if we looked hard enough or not. Papa is medyo "makalat" sometimes, shredding his shoes, clothes around the house while Mama can be majorly OC. Papa doesn't know how to pack while Mama has mastered it like a science. If one needs to pack something, call her and she can fit a lot of stuff in a box with a 70 lbs limit. Both are disciplinarians but heavy punishment is left to Papa. However, if Papa wasn't around, Mama wont wait till Papa arrives. Papa attended all PTA meetings the entire time we were in school. In fact, he was I believe the longest serving PTA president. Mama never once went to a PTA meeting but any other school activities she was there with all the supplies imaginable like food, extra clothes, towels and of course her support.

Both of them were busy people when we were growing up. Papa worked at the bank and Mama had the bakery to manage but they were always there for us. Papa made sure that he drove us to school every morning and picked us up in the afternoon even if we had a driver to do that. Mama wakes us up every morning and makes our milk or Milo before we head out even if we had a housekeeper to do that. We always have dinner together everyday and Sundays we always go to mass together. When we were all off to college in Manila, they would fly out of Tacloban to visit pretty often. They would call often and now send text message often as well. But for some reasons it never felt like they were smothering us. They knew when to keep their distance and allowed us to be who we want to be.

Our parents gave us all the best that life could offer to a point of sacrificing themselves to be able to provide for us. Our parents have shielded and protected us with all their might from the world's cruelties but they also allowed us to learn through our mistakes. Our parents kept us close but they also allowed us to spread our wings and discover the world. Our parents with apprehension allowed us to leave the comforts of home but never failed to tell us that we can always go back home. We owe them so much and no matter how much we try I don't think we can ever repay them for everything that they have done for us. We can always strive to be better children and better people, that much we can do. After all whoever we are reflects on the kind of parents they are and vice versa. Words are not enough to show our gratitude but we can always try. On this occasion of your anniversary, in behalf of my siblings we can only say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! WE LOVE YOU!"

The weekend that was...

I am back to work after a weekend of seeing long time friends (didn't want to use "old") in Las Vegas. My friend Chary is getting married in June and she wanted a bridal shower in Las Vegas. So her twin, Chisty or Xsty as we have been spelling her nickname and I planned it. Aside from the 3 of us, we would be meeting 3 other friends who flew from all over the U.S. - Rhyna flew from Indiana, Abigail and Sandy flew from Texas. They wouldn't be able to make to Chary's wedding in Maui so they decided to come for her bridal shower. Accommodations wouldn't be a problem since my uncle has a house. That detail set aside we wanted it to be a fun, relaxing weekend of spa, shopping, dinner, a show and hanging out .

Friday - we set out to leave early, knowing the traffic that we should expect which is pretty much normal in any drive to Las Vegas from L.A. Early here meant 5PM since we all had work that we couldn't leave early from. Tana, Xsty's friend was so nice to drive us, never mind if he would be in the company of women all weekend. It was a pretty okay drive. Save for a short area where it was kind of slow, the rest of the drive was pretty smooth. We got into my uncle's house close to midnight already so we decided to call it a day after all we have an early start the next day.

Saturday - even though it was my uncle's house I was still "namamahay" which I will define as the inability to fall asleep in other's people's homes. I wasn't able to sleep right away and yet I woke up early. We have a spa appointment at 2PM which was so nicely arranged by Abigail. We all decided to meet up at Bally's where our spa appointments would be. Rhyna was the first to arrive then Abby and Sandy soon followed. With 6 people needing to check in and all of us trying to catch up with each other's lives it was pretty chaotic. We all have the reason to really be excited after all we haven't seen each other in a long time. Well, Chary, Xsty and myself try to see each as much as we can. We live pretty close to each other. But the others were a totally different story. I last saw Rhyna 2003 in Chicago, Abigail & Sandy last year. The others were a different story though. Abigail hasn't seen Rhyna since 1992 when Abby left Tacloban. Rhyna hasn't seen Chary and Xsty since 2000 and she will meet Sandy for the first time.

In between our massages, facials, paraffin what have you's we hanged out at the jacuzzis and steam rooms catching up. It was fun to do all these girly stuff with friends. For most of us this was our first spa visit. I decided to just get the half-hour aromatherapy massage since I didn't know what to expect so I decided to start with the basic. Good decision on my part. The masseuse asked me what oils I wanted and since I wanted to be relax, I picked peppermint and lavender. It was so luxurious. The pressure was just enough and it felt good after. We took advantage of all the facilities available for us and did all the possible "kikay" stuff that you could ever imagine. There was a full vanity dresser with all the hair dryers, curling irons, flat irons imaginable which was great. Our activities were carefully timed so we wouldn't be rushing and all so we really took our time.

Once everyone was ready, we took the walk to Bellagio where we decided to have a buffet dinner. Everything in Vegas is pretty much accessible with the crosswalks in every corner but try walking in heels and its not exactly a walk in the park. So for the price of beauty we took every pain in. The weather was pretty warm for this time of year which was great. There was a long line at the buffet and we were already hungry but since we were already there, we decided to stand in line. Good thing it wasn't much of a wait. Our heads were spinning with the choices that we have but at least they were all good ones especially the dessert ones. My friends were pretty shocked to see my dessert choices which I will save for future posts when I have the picture to be presented as evidence.

Our show was still at 10:30 so we had so much time to walk around the hotel. It was a good coincidence that Menardo, a classmate from high school was also in town together with his wife and officemates. So we all decided to meet up in Bellagio as well. It was great seeing him again. I think the last time I saw him was 7 years ago. We got introduced to his wife, Nova and of course the must thing to do had to be done - picture taking! LOL

After parting ways, we once again walked the trek back to Bally's in time for our show, Jubilee which was this classic Las Vegas show. The show was interesting to say the least. Chary said she was a bit distracted because of the costumes or lack thereof during some parts. Still, it was something new to see. After the show, we decided to find a place where we can just chill. Of course, women that we are, save for Tana it took awhile before we came up with the decision. We went to Paris to see what we can find. We found this little lounge with a live band (2 of the band members are Pinoy) in one corner decided that this was the place. Abigail decided to start the night by ordering a round of tequila in honor of the bride-to-be. Being that we are not exactly young like we used to be and don't drink as much as we used to, the shot was a bit strong for our liking. After tequila, we had a round of Midori Sours. After that needless to say we were all a bit happy and tipsy. We decided to call, actually Chary decided to call Chito, another friend who lives in the East Coast. By my calculation it was around 5:15 AM his time. I am pretty sure we roused him from his sleep. LOL But it was still great. By this time alcohol and then lack of sleep is already taking a toll. At around 3 we decided to call it a night...or should I say day. After saying our byes (Abby and Sandy slept at the hotel since they've got employee privileges) the rest of us headed for our home for the weekend. By this time and after 2 bottles of water, I was pretty much sober and awake so we ended talking some more. We finally went to bed around 5 as the sun was already about to rise.

Sunday - for some reasons I still woke up at 8:30 which means that I only slept for 3 hours! While my housemates were fast asleep I decided to start tidying the house up. No one really lives in that house. The only time there are people there is when my uncle and his family or family members feel like going to Vegas. Well, at least its better than having to pay a big amount for a hotel room used for just sleeping and taking a bath. We are going to meet Abby and Sandy for brunch before we start our drive back to L.A. The 3 ladies (Abby, Sandy and Rhyna) do not leave Vegas till Monday. On our way back to Bellagio for brunch we already saw the traffic that we would have to endure so Tana decided that it would be best if we wait it out which means we have time to go shopping at the outlet stores. We had some dimsum which was just right after that heavy dinner we had the previous night. We were all pretty excited to go shopping but our excitement soon waned because of the heat. It was so hot that the sun was pretty much taking out all our energy. We ended up just going to Banana Republic and just walked in and out of the other stores. After subjecting ourselves to that heat, we dropped off Abigail and Rhyna off at the hotel and on our way back to L.A. we go. Good thing we waited it out because the traffic wasn't so bad anymore again save for some parts. But then again that was just the after effect of the accident that happened early. It was close to 11 when I got home, my body drained of energy, my eyes begging for sleep and my brain not at all functioning but still glad for this weekend to be with friends and great company! Next stop April or August 2006 - Houston, Texas!

more pics updated 5/25

What's in the name?

It was one boring day at work so I decided to check out the meaning of my name and those of my siblings. I have received a good number of response about my name. I didn't use to get that much attention back in the Philippines but I do now. There are still the times when people misspell (i.e. Riza, Raiza, Raisa) and mispronounce my name. There are three ways that I know of "Rah-ee-za:, "Raye-za" or "Ray-za" Plus, there is also the question whether I am Russian. Which really surprises me because for one I do not think I look Russian at all. The only thing Russian with my name is that I share the name of the former First Lady of the Soviet Union who is Raisa Gorbachev. The only difference is she only has one "s" while I have two. LOL

When I was baptized, my dad was asked by the priest if he was not going to add a "Maria" before my name. My dad refused to do so because he didn't want me to be burdened by it later on. So, I ended up with just Raissa. According to my dad, he saw that name from a contributor of Time Magazine and decided way before I was born that he would name his child Raissa. I don't know if there is a connection that even at a young age I was already reading Time Magazine or it was just a mere coincidence. The one after me was another girl who was named Jehann. People always make a mistake in pronouncing her name. Some people say it as "Je-hann" when it is actually just one syllable. It came from Jihan who was the name of Anwar Sadat's wife, the President of Egypt I believe. My dad first wanted Vanessa but my mom vetoed it. At this point, there is Russian, then Egyptian. Our only brother was supposed to be named Marcelius but then again our mom vetoed it so it became Niccolo from Italy. He was named after Niccolo Machiavelli. Then our youngest sister who came 6 years after was named Camille which is French. I don't remember if there were any other names that they were considering. So now we have Russian, Egyptian, Italian and French. Aside from coming from other parts of the world, we all have double letters and we have short names. The most is only 7 letters.

For so many years that is all we know about our names. No one really thought of looking it up or something. But out of my boredom, I decided to search for the meanings of our names. I find out that there are more to our names than we know. My name for example was not originally Russian but French and means "thinker". Hmmmm... When I searched for Jehann's it came out with two results: originally Arabic meaning "the world" and French meaning the feminine form of Jean. My brother's was right though. It is indeed Italian and means "victorious; conqueror of the people" and dear baby sister Camille, like her Ate Jehann her name came out with two results: Latin meaning "virginal; unblemished character" and French meaning "free-born; noble". I got these meanings from http://www.parenthoodweb.com/babynames.html.

It has been said that parents will know what name to give their child when they see him or her. I do not know what our parents were thinking or feeling at that point which made them decide to give us our names. I was satisfied with the explanation that I used to give including the misconception of me being Russian. But now with this new information, I really do not know what to think of it just yet. Will I be able to live up to the meaning of my name? Or do I even have to? Does knowing give me knowledge or does it give me pressure? Or maybe I should just look at this new found edition the same way with what drove me to look it up in the first place...because it might be fun. How about you? Do you know what your name means?

1 hour & 10 minutes

This day has been annoyingly slow for me. I still have an hour and 10 minutes before I head out of this office. I really am not in the best conditions to work but I have to or else I will be left with a mountain of work to do when I come back from vacation. No way! So what have I done this day aside from "hardly working"?

* ate "Filipinos"! Nope! I have not resorted to cannibalism or eating my own people but these are amazingly good donut shaped chocolate cookies coated with white chocolate that a friend of mine gave me as "pasalubong" from Spain. Yummy!

* listening to music both OPM - MYMP yeah! and amazingly enough Korean music, usually the ones from the series that I have seen or will see. Yup, music is a universal language. Don't need to really understand it just feel. Though it would help if I know what it is about.

* browsing the web for a worthwhile thing to read, usually anything about Tacloban or Eastern Visayas. I think I am feeling a tad homesick and since I already spoke with my parents last night, I decided to get my cure from the web. I found a site that promotes the music of Eastern Visayas and I found this site musica waraynon, and discovered "Aila", which is pronounced as "ay la" short for "ayaw la". Amazing band. Love their songs especially "Away"!

* still on Leyte..I haven't been home in 7 years so I am pretty sure a lot has changed. I might even get lost already that's what my Dad said which I am sure will be the truth. Aside from getting lost, I probably would know fewer people. Though a number of my friends or at least people I know have stayed in Tacloban, most of my friends are either in Cebu, Manila or States. So I was checking out what's new in Tacloban and I came across this website for a bistro which I am sure my parents or my siblings have mentioned. calle zaragoza. Hmmm sounds promising and they have amazing food so that is one thing on my list to go to when I find myself home. I was browsing through the photo galleries and imagine my shock to see a familiar face after pages of people I don't recognize. It is Mano Lito Tuang, who is sort of an "adopted" child of my parents! Mano Lito

* aside from places to visit and people to see in Tacloban, the one thing that I will most definitely do is be at home. I miss our house! I miss Mana Mila's cooking. I miss our room! Everything! Most of all I will be with family who I miss the most! ::SIGH:: San-o daw la!

Insomnia

I really should be sleeping right now considering I still have work tomorrow or make it in 8 hours but I cannot seem to sleep early no matter how much I want to or try. This weekend will pass by again with me not getting enough sleep since I seem to always sleep late or early morning on weekends. Funny thing is I hardly go anywhere or do anything that would be a reason enough for me to stay awake till the early morning. Sleeping late should not be a problem if I can bring my butt to work on time. :blush: but nope. These past few weeks I have been late to work, not that much, like 30 minutes but still I am late. My bosses don't really mind but I feel bad so I guess starting Monday I really should make an effort to wake up early so I can be at work if not early, on time which means that I should force myself to sleep early.

On other things - it has been a running joke in my family when they tease me about my dislike for Con$t@ntine (just in case someone googles his name LOL I have no plans of getting the ire of his fans). Every Wednesday, my aunt and I visit my Lola at my uncle's house and aside from having dinner there, watching the American Idol result show has turned into a family affair. Being that, my relatives find it amusing to tease me about him because they know that I do not like him. If that makes any sense. I can't seem to explain why I don't like looking at his smug face on TV. At first he was okay but as the days passed by, he has started to annoy me. BUT, that being said, I feel though that him being booted off last Wednesday was a big injustice. I think Scott should have been booted before he did and I think he even was expecting it. I think that is just cruel since people are just prolonging his agony. Why he is still there is a mystery to me. It makes me wonder though who else are voting on American Idol. I vote and not once did Scott get my vote. Oh well, Tuesday is coming up, another round of competition, another round of voting and hopefully not another week of Scott being "safe".

I do not know if its mid-life crisis or my dad is just melodramatic but he has the worst mood swings ever. One day, he is displacing his frustrations with the world on us, the next he is the most attentive father. One day he complains of the many "gastos" and the next he comes home with a bagful of fishes for his pond and aquarium. Those fish don't come cheap mind you. We just try to understand him no matter how annoying and irritating he can be. My siblings and I joke around that it seems one of us has to gift them with grandchildren or at least a grandchild for now so that they can channel their attention to the little ones rather than on us. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Camille, is still far too young to even contemplate being a mom and single for the moment. Nicco has law school to finish and a girlfriend to have. Jehann has a boyfriend but is more focused on finding her career path than on giving our parents a grandchild. As for me, being that I am the oldest, I don't see that happening anytime soon. Heck, I cannot even take care of myself yet and I am going to drag another human being along. And ano yun "alien baby"? LOL I guess for the meantime my parents would have to do with Ethan, my cousin's son or their plants, fishes, aquarium and pond.

It's my friends, Chary and Rick's couple's shower this weekend. I cannot believe that in a month's time, one of my dearest friends is getting married. This is the first wedding in my small circle of friends that I will be able to attend. I was already in the US when some of my friends back home decided to get married so I was absent in those. I have known Chary and her twin sister Christy since first grade. It amazes people when they find out that Chary, Christy and I have remained friends all these time. Actually, it is not just the 3 of us who have kept in touch, I still keep in touch with all of my friends from grade school, especially the close ones. We may not see each other as often as we would want to but that has never been a reason for our friendship to vanish. Their friendship is such a blessing and a gift that I will treasure forever. I wouldn't dare make a shout-out to each and every one of them for fear that I might shut someone out. They know who they are and frankly I don't know how my life would be like had they not been in my life. After this weekend's couple's shower, we are going to Vegas for an all-girls weekend. Four of our girl friends are flying into Vegas to join us: Abigail and Sandy from Texas, Amy from New York and Rhyna from Indiana. It's going to be a weekend of shopping, spa, dinner and a show. Good, clean fun! I am so excited for that!

On a sad note, Dr. Raymundo Punongbayan was killed in a helicopter crash. He was the director of Philvolcs before his retirement, who catapulted to fame when he predicted the eruption of Mt. Pinatubo, a long dormant volcano in the mountain range of Central Luzon. He was working for the Philippine Red Cross during the time of his death. He was actually on the job when he was killed. I was always in awe of him. Which is strange since I was never been one into science. But he actually made the study of volcanoes so interesting. He could have ordered another official to survey volcanoes and other potential natural disasters but he chose to do them himself. He was indeed a scientist. I found out that he was a recipient of the Sergei Solviev Medal in 2002 for his exceptional research and skills. I read that he could have gone to a foreign country to be a consultant and be more than compensated after his retirement but he chose t0 stay in the Philippines and still be productive. Ever efficient, he was still able to email a comprehensive report to Richard Gordon before he met his untimely death. He will be a great loss to the country. RIP Dr. Raymundo Punongbayan!

Okay, I have to go to sleep now!

"I will jump with you!"

I was reading through my file of my journal entries when I chanced upon this entry written almost 2 years ago. I did not realize that where I am now, what I think now, what I feel now..I already thought of before, I just didn't realize it I guess. Some weeks back, my curious young cousins asked me why I wasn't married yet. I told them that back then I didn't know what I want and I felt I needed to find myself, get to know myself before I let someone in. Then another cousin asked if I know it now. Before I could realize it, I said YES. That answer got me thinking. Do I really? Am I ready? I mean, my life isn't as "settled" if that is the right word as I would want it to be. But, will it ever be settled? Does it have to be settled first before I can do other things? Someone told me before to just take a leap of faith, to just jump right into life rather than regret not doing it all. This may be a "huh" moment for some, but two days ago I was conversing with someone about skydiving and I was invited to try it. I said "I will ride a plane but not jump out of it". The reply is the title of this post. Some may take it literally, some may take it philosophically. I am looking at it now metaphorically. Maybe I am ready now to tell someone.."I will jump with you!" Maybe I do not need to jump by myself anymore. Maybe I do not have to jump by myself. That maybe someone is willing to take a risk with me. Maybe it is telling me that I can put my trust on someone. Or maybe I am just over-rationalizing things, misinterpreting things that really do not mean much. I do not know!

excerpt:
August 13, 2003

I think that whatever happened 3 years ago had to happen. Things indeed happen for a reason. I guess if we insisted on things then we would have ended up hurting ourselves and each other. I am not saying that this time will be “perfect”. There is no guarantee in life that things will always happen the way we would want it to be. Sometimes, we wonder why things didn’t happen, as we would want it or the way that we have planned it. Little did we know that the reason why it didn’t happen then is because we need time to mature, to grow up, to take time to really know if this is meant to be ours in the first place. Certain things happen when we least expect it; at times too, they happen when we most need it. Andrew Firestone was right; it’s all about timing. No matter how we feel that the emotion and person is right but if it happened at a point in our life when we are not ready for it, the emotion and the person becomes wrong. Is now the right timing? I really don’t know! I will know when I get there. I don’t even know if I am ready to be in a relationship. Part of me feels that I am but the other part is unsure. I am not dreading it but I am not going to lose breath over it either. I am not going to lose my mind over it. I will just let nature take its course I guess. I will not even force the issue. I will just let things happen if they are meant to happen. The thing is I feel that I am more mature, more prepared to be in a relationship than before. I know myself now that I will be smart about it. I am better prepared to face the pain and the sorrow as well as welcome the happiness that comes with it. I am more realistic in my approach to relationship and have realistic expectations and goals rather than spend all my energy trying to prove something to others as well as to myself.

Not surprised!

Got this from Aion

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Relief

It really does pay to have a law student for a brother or having an older brother for that matter. My sister's problem has been settled. I do not know the specifics yet but the most important thing is my sister and us, her siblings can now breathe a sigh of relief. Had this been not fixed, this will pose a BIG problem. Our parents have no clue that we found ourselves in this situation. My siblings and I vowed to fix the situation on our own without getting our parents, especially our father involved. So my lips are sealed regarding this matter. Good thing our parents are not technologically savvy enough to learn how to access this blog so there is no possible way that they will find out [crossing fingers]. If they do find out eventually well at least it is already after the fact. To my dear sister, I hope this serves as a "wake up call" for you! I promised your Kuya I won't scold you anymore so I am not saying anything more. I am sure he already gave you enough "sermon" to last you for the next school year!

I was amazed with the reaction I got with regard to my previous post. Two people were actually able to sense that I was pissed about the whole "dolphin" thing. I am kind of over it now and frankly I do not care anymore. LOL. It wasn't my intention to come out spiteful or miffed but I guess that was how it seemed like. Or maybe I was since I wrote the post with the rawest emotions possible. Oh well! Good thing too he doesn't read blogs.

To my cousin dear, sorry nasama ka! LOL I know you understand! And yes, we will look for that prom dress until we find what we are looking for or what you are looking for, whatever that is. And yes, we will have the long talk that is overdue this weekend. Maybe we would need some frappucinos to stay awake or red bean milk tea boba from Guppy. LOL That should be enough.

Disbelief

I cannot believe he gave out his dolphin artwork to a friend of his when I asked for it a long time ago. The nerve of him to say I never told him or he doesn't remember, well if he talked to me more often maybe he would have remembered. But it seems that the only time he does communicate with me is when he is bored to his wits, his ego needs some "pick me up" or he needs reassurance that he is on the right path, or when he gets stranded on a place due to his foolishness and had to walk the 4 miles or so home in the early morning by himself in an empty highway. He was lucky that time that I answered his missed call. If I had been like his other friends, he would be walking home alone. But being the nice person that I am, I called him back and stayed on the phone with him until he was safely home. Geez! I know I am being petty about the whole "dolphin" artwork but I so wanted it when he was about to throw it. It makes me think if my friends are indeed right that I am just way too nice to him. Maybe I should snap from looking at this whole situation which has now spanned 2 decades with rose-colored lenses. Frankly, it is getting tiring. Although, I am not anymore expecting anything to happen at all, still it's annoying. I am just going through the motions of it and see where it leads us. Sure it would be nice if he has a definitive place in my life but he is so indecisive and now he also gave away the artwork of his that I liked to someone else. Whatever! Nakakainis ka! I think life is telling me something. Maybe it is high time I listen to it!

I cannot believe that my cousin actually expects me to help her find her "dream" prom dress when she herself doesn't know what she wants. She has spent the past few weekends looking for it but with no success so now I have to help her since her mom pretty much gave up on her. Well, I not only have to help her but I want to help her. It would do her some good to attend her prom after all it's her last year of high school. It is only now that she is getting the whole experience I am not going to let some illusion of the "perfect" dress ruin it for her. If we won't be able to find the "perfect" dress then at least close to perfection is what we would have to settle with. If she has a problem with that, well too bad. She wants to go to prom, she would have to stick with whatever.

I cannot believe that some teachers think that by failing his/her students says something about him/her being a good teacher or not. I have had my shares of teachers who love terrorizing their students. It is actually their badge of honor to be known as the "terror" teachers. My sister's prick of a teacher in modelling failed her for reasons we do not know yet. He (the teacher) does not give feedbacks on his students' progress, he is irritated when students go to consult with him, and according to my sister he seems to be scowling all the time in class. There are only 10 people in this class and sometimes only 4 shows up. That says a lot on the kind of teacher one is. It seems that this teacher has some personal issues with the department because he feels that his class isn't given the importance that he deemed it deserves. Well, if that is the case bring the issue to the chairperson and not use his students to make a statement. He cannot and should not penalize his students for something that he has to take to the department head. According to the records, supposedly, my sister "over cut" but if that was the case then why bother allowing her and other classmates to continue on with the class and take their final exams. Why waste their time when they could have been focusing on other subjects that will be more compassionate to their whole well-being. Well she "cut" a couple of times because she was drowning with requirements for his class. Sure, it is my sister's fault that she may have not passed some projects on time but he should have told them so after or before the project was even submitted and not when its grade-giving time when students are at the mercy of their teachers. My sister worked so hard on this subject more than any subject to a point of exhaustion. She sometimes do not get to sleep finishing her projects on top of the demands of her other classes. She goes to school with little or no sleep at all. Due to this she got sick a lot of times during the last term and lost so much weight at an alarming rate, which made my mom worry. She even got sick during Finals week. And she suffered a relapse once she was back home in Tacloban. Students go to school to get an education, not to be driven to insanity. To top it off, while his students are languishing over the academic turmoil that he has put them in, he is in the States, probably having fun. If I know where he is here, I would hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind. Grrrrr!!!!

Hay! :: SIGH:: well, at least it pays to have a law student for a brother so they made an appeal letter to the department head. Not only does my sister have the suppport of my brother but also of 3 other law student friends of his as her legal team. LOL Technically, my brother and his friends are just entering their 4th year of law school but hey they are almost there. They know enough to appeal what a big injustice this is and how unfair it has been. Hopefully, things will work out fine.

Calls of the Wind

http://soulssonnet.blogspot.com

Finally...

After a long time of hoping and wishing for an event-free weekend, I finally had one last weekend. It was the first weekend with no planned family activities. I do not mind family things but it can really get tiring after some time. After my cousin's 18th birthday and celebration of my late Lolo's birthday, I just hoped for a weekend wherein I can do whatever I feel like doing or not do anything at all.

Small world

I met up with new-found friends (Isy & Raye) on Saturday. Just a day of eating, talking about movies we have watched (usually Filipino and Korean ones), series that we are obssessed with, and life. I met them through a fan community online and they are such a nice group of people. They made me feel welcomed right away. If my long-time friends will be asked, I was not the type who was very open or who befriends just about anyone. I have had the same friends since grade school and high school. But, lately I have met quite a few and found myself having a lot of things in common with them. Through blogging, I also have reconnected with a few people who were probably mere acquiantances in the past or faces in the crowd. It makes me wonder sometimes why didn't this happen when we could have talked face to face. Then I realized, I was a different person then than I am now. Or we just didn't seize the opportunity then or there was no opportunity at all. It's great to be able to have that opportunity now and grabbing it for we wouldn't know what we might be missing in our lives. There are also the people who I have not been properly introduced but I can relate to them and them to me. People come to our lives for a reason. The people that we meet along our journey introduces us to a new world. It is now a small world and its getting smaller by a second. We are interconnected with one another more than we know. I am just happy that I have gone out of my "comfort zone" had I not, I do not think I will evolve more as a person.

The Power Of Now

I bought a book last Saturday titled "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. (I wish I can put the link but Blogger won't let me for some reasons) I will admit that reading about the author from People Magazine was what made me get the book. I think it is so profound that one was able to find enlightenment from a rather sad point in his life and he is sharing it with whoever is willing to listen. I have not finished the book. But so far it has been quite interesting. I have not made notes from the book but there was one poignant message that he is trying to convey: that we think too much that we become a slave of our mind. That got me thinking but haven't had the change to really absorb the entire book or the pages that I have read so far. I may need to find my quiet place first before I can truly enjoy the book. I will discuss the book more in the future once I have grasp it fully.

Lost

I was going through a collection of poems that I have written over the years. I already have a pretty big collection not including the ones I wrote in high school. Which reminds me, I have to ask my mom to look around our house for that blue folder that holds them. as I was reading these poems, this one poem I came across and it made me think of what I was going through when I wrote it. It even looks unfinished. Maybe the reason why it is unfinished is because I feel I still have a lot to do in this lifetime. Maybe I need to live more in order to finish it.

From time to time I still feel like I am headed to destination nowhere. There are days that I question where I am, what am I doing in this life. I left my family in the Philippines because I was searching. It may sound cliche' but I feel I need to find myself..my purpose in this life..my own place under the sun. I have not found it yet and I am still searching. I feel lost from time to time.

Have you ever felt
Like a bubble in the wind
Floating aimlessly
As the world changes beneath

Have you ever felt
Like an apple amidst the oranges
Not a whole lot different
Yet still out of place

Have you ever felt
Like a shell on a stranded beach
Watching the tides' highs and lows
Yet somehow stuck to the sand

Have you ever felt
Like a rainbow after the rain
An array of vibrant colors
Yet at times an arc half full

Have you ever felt
Like the sun during a solar eclipse
The rays to its maximum strength
Yet overshadowed by darkness

Have you ever felt
Like a song on the radio
Played endlessly
Is someone listening, no one knows.

Have you ever felt
Like a piece in a puzzle
Without your tiny self
The picture just doesn't seem to gel.

Maybe it is okay to feel lost once in awhile. It is in being lost that we are able to find ways to go back to the path that we have started on. I think it is okay to get sidetracked because we pick up pieces along the way that will help us in our journey. Maybe being lost is part of the journey. Being lost seems scary and daunting and yet maybe it is a good thing because we learn our way back.

This and that

My weekend was a slew of family activities once again. It has been for the past couple of weeks. Not that I am complaining but I hardly remember a weekend wherein I have nothing planned. So far, as soon as it became 2005, my weekends have been an endless schedule of activities. Maybe this coming weekend will be my opportunity to look back at the past weeks and ponder on them.

Socio-civic

I have not been one who was into joining religious organizations. Nothing against people who do but I just don't feel it is something for me. I was more into socio-civic organizations like my father. So, I welcomed with great anticipation that news I got last Saturday that the An Taclobanon Association of Southern California is planning to establish a charter group of the younger members of the organization. This idea has crossed my mind countless times before when I was not totally solved in the direction that the association was going to. At one point, I was even ready to organize my own but for some reasons I didn't do it. I had a lot of ideas but I dare not say them since I was not a member, my relatives are. I did not bother joining either. Why would I join if I do not echo it's sentiments. My aunts and uncles were the founding members but through the years their participation has waned for some reasons. My uncle and I did have a pact that we will be active once again if we believe in the projects that they are going to be initiating.

So I was really elated that there is a move to make the youth more involved after all they are or I mean we are the ones who will carry the legacy of the association as well as we can inject new ideas into the organization. Having a separate group means that the parent association will be more than willing to listen to suggestions from the younger set and see its fruition. I still have to attend a meeting but I am excited. Right now I have not made any attempt to contact the people from Tacloban that I know (who may be more than the current number of members at this point) pending more information that I need to make that announcement. I just hope and pray that this isn't a "start 'em, leave 'em" thing" or else I may really be inclined to start my own and rival them. LOL

"Young Love, Sweet Love"

That was a show popular back when I was in high school I believe. I feel as if I am watching it again but this time I don't need a TV, all I need is just to listen to my cousin's stories. She just turned 18, technically, per her mom's order or request, whichever angle you want to view it, she is not allowed to have a boyfriend YET. She can hang out with her guy friends as long as its a group thing. So anyway, I don't know if I am being a nice and supportive cousin. I shouldn't be encouraging her at all because if my aunt finds out my head will be on the chopping block. But I cannot discourage her either. I am the only one close to a sibling she has. So there I was listening to her stories. She has grown up to be a pretty, young lady so of course there a few guys interested in her. But like the song of the group Smokey Mountain, "Kung sinong mahal mo, siyang ayaw sa iyo!" It is somewhat her life. She likes this guy who seems to like her back but does not seem like he is making any effort to get to know her more. There is always dead silence and awkward moments. My cousin is always the making an effort to start the conversation. According to her, he does sometimes but apparently it isn't enough since I can sense the frustration in my cousin's voice. He is not giving her enough to work on. As if she is walking on eggshells all the time because she does not who what topics are okay and what are off-limits. Most of the time my cousin is putting in 3/4 while the remaining 1/4 is his contribution or sometimes less. That is frustrating and irritating and that is the feeling that I get from my cousin. But being the nice cousin that I am, I just listen but this guy is not at all getting my vote as each day passes. Too bad for him. LOL

I tried to at least play "devil's advocate" so that maybe she will realize that she should not close her doors into getting to know other guys who are making an effort to get to know her. She is a nice kid and worth knowing. If this guy that she likes does not realize that then someone else will, only if she gives them a chance. ::sigh:: kids of today nga naman!

Life in a Fish Bowl

I spent a good amount of time staring at the fish tank that my aunt has at their house. It is well made with live corals, 2 clownfish (reminiscent of Nemo) and 3 of those blue fish that are not Dori. Those who watched "Finding Nemo" knows what I am talking about. It was a surprise to me that I was so enthralled as I watched these fishes live in this place that is not exactly home but it is near to home that they can ever be. They clamored along with the other habitats of the tank for food. I even saw once when one of the clownfish and one of those blue fish were butting heads, fighting for food. I was particularly protective of the clownfish, I don't know why! Maybe it was all because of the movie or maybe because the clownfish was minding its own business and the blue one just attacked him. I cheer for the underdog.

As I was gazing at the marvel before me, it got me thinking.. so this is how it is to live life in a fish bowl. I wondered what the clownfish was feeling fully aware that I was watching its every move. Hurt? Scared? Puzzled? Wondering why? Happy? Sad? Oblivious? I think, maybe the reason why I was protective of the clownfish was because it reminded me of me. I didn't have to ask the clownfish what it felt like, I just had to look at myself to know what it felt like because I know that there have been times that I felt like I live in a fish bowl myself. People are gawking on who I am, what I do, where I am...pretty much like myself as I was looking at the clownfish.

Living in a small city with a family name that a lot of people know is much like living in a fish bowl. People are quick to judge on who they think I am. Quick to misinterpret my every actions when all I am doing is living my life. Sometimes, on alert to see when I will commit a mistake in order for them to talk about it. I have not been one to be so concerned about what other people think of me. I have been misjudged as "suplada" and "mataray" just because I am not quick to say hello to every person I cross my paths with. Why should I when I do not know them! I never let it bother me then and definitely not now. Funny thing is, as people get to know me now, they realize that I am not as half as bad as they thought I was. I am frank to some degree yes and that bothers some people. I have opinions and I do not hesitate to express them. I do not see anything wrong with that. I will be who I want to be. Besides, the only opinions that matter to me are those of my family and friends who need not gawk to know me. Those who see way beyond what their eyes allow them to see. They are the ones that matter to me and no one else.

But it cannot be denied that there are still people who find my life so fascinating no matter how mundane or boring I think it is. There are some who look at my life as a source of their entertainment. I can just imagine how uneventful their life may be to find mine so entertaining. But it has been part of my reality that I have learned to accept and live with. I cannot allow myself to be consumed by it because it does not seem like it is going to change any time soon. Why fight it when I can just live with it no matter how much I disagree or how much it makes me uncomfortable, just like the clownfish in that small tank of psuedo-saltwater.

Going back to the clownfish, I don't stare that much anymore. I just let the fish live its life the best way it can considering the limitations that has been presented to it. The fish seem to adjust to its new found way of life, I might as well with mine. Not much to do but adapt. In time, people will get tired and eventually stop gawking. Until then, live life to the fullest because we never know until when we will have it.

Don't Need To But Want To

First Born

I am the eldest of four (3 girls, 1 boy). I have been told that I take my birth order seriously. I agree to some degree I do. My friends have told me that I am the "perfect 'Ate' ". Whatever that means. I will admit, I was never one to give my parents a headache. In fact, I tried to hide whatever sadness or heartaches I may have felt because I figured my parents need not be bothered by it. They already have enough worries to think about I don't need to add to it. It wasn't anything big anyway, just trivial things especially during the teen years. I've never been one to rebel because nothing good is going to come out of it. There were times though that I felt like it especially when I get reprimanded for something they did and yet when I did something against my parents wishes, I get reprimanded alone. Being the eldest, I carried the burden of making sure that I lead by example. I made sure that I did well in school, I followed house rules and as much as possible give them as little a problem as possible. There were times that I wanted to give up but I couldn't... wouldn't. It was tough but I endured it all because not only I had to but I wanted to.

Some of my actions and decisions have not been favorable to some of my siblings, especially my sister who came after me. In birth order, the 2nd eldest does carry the burden as well of either shadowing the older sibling or competing and going the other way. I think my sister is doing latter. I feel sometimes that I am partly to blame why she is acting out. I feel that she resents me so much, although I don't know why or if she even should. When she would have her way, no way did I feel that I should be given the same privilege but it does not seem that way with me. I don't like competing with her. I have never been good with competing with other people which has been an issue with my dad before. I competed with myself because I want to be better than what I am during that particular time. For me competing with others means that I want to be better than others. I did not want that. I have always tried to be fair to her no matter how much she makes it difficult for me. Apparently it seems that no matter how much I try, it is not enough.

I have made some life decisions that in some ways were kind of unfair to me but I didn't wallow in it. When I was in college, I made a conscious decision not to be in a relationship because I felt that it was just going to be a distraction from my studies. In my mind I thought, 'there was no way I was going to fail or be sidetracked". I realized that I was going to be the first one to "swim in this vast ocean called life" and I felt that if I drown, my siblings will drown with me. It was a tough road but I persisted because I felt this was expected of me. My parents never forced me to make that decision, I made that decision myself and I don't resent it one bit. I am not going to penalize my siblings just because I made a decision then which may have changed the course of my life. I made the decision and I am taking responsibility for it. If along the way, it turned out to be a not so favorable decision then it is one lesson learned but I am not going to put the blame on my siblings.

Being the eldest, I feel that we are put in a position wherein we want to be dutiful children to our parents at the same time allowing our siblings to be their own persons. But the conflict lies when what the siblings perceive as "coming of their own" is hurtful and disrespectful to our parents. Where then do I put myself? I did not want to tattle on my siblings and yet I did not want to lie to my parents either. I was caught between a rock and a wall. I don't think the younger siblings know and realize how much of a burden we carry with being an eldest. I do not resent being one but there were times that I wished I wasn't one.

I hope my siblings would cut me some slack on why I am the way I am. I do not expect them to build a statue in my honor or shower me with accolades. All I want is a little consideration, respect and maybe empathy. I did not ask to be born first, but I am dealing with it the best that I can. I am taking on my role the best that I can based on what I know. There is no handbook out there to guide me and I am learning as I go along. If I made mistakes call my attention but do not turn cold on me and treat me like I am the biggest villain in their lives. I wish that they can have a day in my shoes and see how it feels like. Then they can tell me if I have the best of everything.

A good laugh

It has been my daily routine when I get to work to go online and read the Philippine newspapers. Three news dailies in the Philippines have a space in My Favorites - Philippine Star, Philippine Daily Inquirer and Malaya. I used to also read The Manila Times but since Mark Macapagal stopped writing his column, I have stopped reading that newspaper all together. Anyway, the headline in Philippine Star made me laugh. It said: Congressmen: Abolish Senate Senators: Abolish House! Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago made an even better suggestion - abolish both all together!

It seems that Congressmen/women were a bit disgruntled with the Senate approval of the 2005 national budget without going through a bicameral conference committee. Actually, in my opinion it was just a glorified term for the congressmen not happy that their pork barrel will remain the same. When GMA announced that the country was in fiscal crisis, some Senators were quick to give up part of their "pork barrel" but the congressmen were not so quick.

It's so laughable that the congressmen are acting like spoiled kids who were not given the correct amount of allowance supposedly due them. I actually have no problem with them having their pork barrels but I just wish that it is being used to those who need it the most...their constituents. These congressmen or maybe politicians in general should take into consideration the state of the country and see if an increase or the same amount of pork barrel is even feasible. I mean the entire country is languishing in poverty and the people are trying to make the most of their situation and here are our congressmen who should be looking out for us are complaining that they will not be getting enough. They already take up a big chunk of the national budget when most of them are just sleeping, what more do they want. I really do not know how we can expect our country to progress when the very same people who should be helping are the same ones making our country sink even more. Go Figure!

Post Valentines Rant

Been In Love?

Have I been in love? I have been asked this question countless times and most often than not I have no definitive answer to give. At first it was because I was avoiding the follow-up question of "who is it?" The other times, I just chose not to say anything because I don't know myself if I have been in love.

What is being in love mean? What are the signs and symptoms of being in love? Sure, I have been told before that I am but when I ask if how they can tell, answers have never been more vague. Looking back, I think and feel that I have been in love. Maybe during those times I didn't say anything because of the dreaded follow up question or just plain and simple it is not something that I have to announce to the entire world. Its something that I would rather keep to myself I guess.

The guy is someone I have known for a long time. At times, maybe too long, but I didn't look at it as a problem. I don't think we were even in an exclusive relationship. I guess it was one of those "mutual understanding" kinds, juvenile as it may sound. Still, he served as an inspiration when I needed one. At times, he was a convenient excuse to drive away suitors who I didn't want to give a time of day to, always worked like a charm. However, maybe it wasn't much of a good thing too because it some cases, it may have driven away prospective suitors who may have what it takes to grab my attention. I guess during those times, my whole consciousness was filled by the thoughts of one guy in particular so I didn't bother with the other when I should have. Now I wonder if he was even worth it all these times.

Don't get me wrong he is a nice guy. We still talk once in awhile. From time to time, I get an email or a text or if I am lucky a phone call. But it has never been consistent. He lives in the opposite end to where I am so in some ways, it is a long distance thing. He does have plans of moving to California in the near future but I am not sure if I fit anywhere in those plans. He does ask how far I am from I guess places that he is considering. One of them is really close but I do not know how convinced he is to move to that place. That is if it means anything. I do not know. Actually at this point, I couldn't care anymore but it sure would be nice if it turns out for the best for us but I am not holding my breath.

Intertwined Lives

How is it possible that you have your own life and so do I and yet our lives are still intertwined? We have been in this game for so long when is this going to end? I know in my heart that waiting for nothing is insane. But I am not waiting for nothing but then again I may be waiting for something as well. I guess I had resigned to the fact that our paths may cross frequently yet will not meet at one point at the same time. I have no illusions or delusions of having a romantic relationship with you. Our friends may not understand or believe it but I do feel that way. How long I am going to feel like this? I have no idea. All I know right now is that I have confined myself into being your friend. I just hope you have as well. Our friends have trouble believing whatever I say. I think they are looking for concrete proof that I have indeed moved on with my life. The only concrete proof that they can think of is for me to be with someone. I think that is a rather dumb move to make. I have no plans of being with somebody just to prove that I am over you…that I have better things to do. That is not fair to the other person and it is not fair for me either. Who knows in time I will meet that person and you will be resigned to a place of oblivion. Though I doubt that! You have been an integral part of my life I don’t think being involved with other people is going to change that. Well at least I can hope it won’t. But who knows what the future will bring. I think a pretty secure individual would be needed to be able to fully understand, grasp and accept the whole situation that we may have separate paths but we will still find a way to cross each other at some points in our lives.

A "Dear John" letter - my version

I miss writing! I write when I am happy. When I am sad. When I am inspired. Not being able to write or not having the will do so makes me feel like I am devoid of feelings that a normal human being should feel. Believe me it isn't the best feeling in the world. I used to be able to finish a poem in less than 10 minutes and now I cannot even think of anything to write. What is up with me? So, I decided to go through my collection of poems and I found this poem that I wrote some 4 years ago when I was pretty much going through the same feelings that I am feeling right now.... confusion. I consider this the best poem that I have ever written. Maybe because it is raw. I didnt hold back emotions. I poured out all those pent up emotions that have been bottled up inside. It was liberating! It was freeing. I just wish that I felt free after writing that poem. I was but only for some time because without me knowing it, the supposed recipient of that poem is kind of making his presence felt once again. Unless he is indeed entering again or I am just hallucinating or wishful thinking that he is. I do not know! Maybe it was the effect of the past Valentine's Day that is why I am feeling like this. Who knows. Anyway, this is my version of what was supposed to be a "Dear John" letter, when I was supposedly letting go.

So many I need to say
before I go on my way
too much emotion, effort and time
most of all, putting my sanity on the line.

Words left unsaid,
matters left undone,
just leave things hanging,
than to be forever waiting.

Shouldn’t have trusted,
shouldn’t have believed
no one else to blame but myself
getting involved in this whole charade.

Too scared?
or totally unprepared?
whatever it is...
the truth, I only seek.

But truth proved too elusive,
too out of grasp,
shielded so much by facade,
buried underneath all that crap.

Day by day, I grow number
amazed how I even bother
urging myself to stay
until it becomes difficult to get away

Couldn’t shed a tear,
yet, couldn’t stop to care
staring at a blank wall,
no one there to catch my fall.

Trust you, I did
was met however by a cold wind
left behind to pick up the pieces
remnants of broken promises.

I need to rise above
before I cannot anymore love
or care or even feel
for I sure deserve something real.

Move on I must do
face the music without you
hard as it may, but I need
turn the other way and leave.

Through all things here and gone,
after all that’s been said and done,
still one thing left to say,
Goodbye and maybe we’ll see again someday.

Thoughts & Rants

I LOVE MY PARENTS!

On the eve of Valentine's Day, I got a text message from my father and it said:

It's a beautiful day today made more beautiful with the thought of having wonderful children we cherish and love so much. Happy Valentine's - - Papa & Mama

That truly warmed my heart! My parents usually do not send text messages like these. But I truly appreciated it. So much that I sent my siblings a text message that who needs a date when you have your parents around who cares for you unconditionally. I told them not to be depressed if they do not have dates because by the next day, February 14 is just another day. My brother said I am being bitter which I am not! That I also need someone aside from my family. Fine. My sister said that everyday should be Valentines Day. Obviously, she is in a new relationsip right now and she is still walking on cloud 9. Let her be. On some level, she is right because I think Valentine's day is just a reason that people use in order to be extra sweet and extra attentive to their significant other and then the next day they switch back to their old self, whatever that is. It is just an excuse for candy shops, flower shops and restaurants to hike up their prices since the demand is so high. What if for one Valentine's day, people just treat it as an ordinary day, wonder what will happen. I am still glad though that I got a greeting from my parents. I love my Papa & Mama. That text message will have a permanent space in my inbox.
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ANO KA BA???

I really want to ask him that!

In one of those rare instances that we find ourselves online at the same time, he IMs me to say hello yesterday! We talked about random stuff, him telling me that he saw the pictures from the wedding that I was in 2 weeks ago. But no greeting! Not that I was expecting any but is he that dense that even as a friend he could not greet me. Crazy that I am even bothered by it. Sure, he forgot the greeting but he all of a sudden he asked me how far is this place Atascadero from me. Okay, when did I become a point of reference for distance? I do not even know where Atascadero is. First, it was Huntington Beach now its Atascadero. I know that he is planning to move to a warmer place (he lives in the East Coast). Moving to California is one of his options that he is seriously considering after all according to him, I am here, my 2 friends who happen to be his cousins are here plus he has friends who are here as well. So, given that, why ask me how far I am to these places. Why couldn't he asked the distance of where our 2 friends live to those places. Obviously, I am reading too much into this. Arrgghhhh! Ano ka ba? Ang labo mo!

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ISA PANG MALABO!

For the very first time, my brother is in his longest relationship so far. In my opinion, too long that they are confusing "being happy" with "being comfortable". According to my youngest sister, he and his gf have broken up more times that the years that they are together. My brother told me the last time that I thought they were breaking up for good was that people could already notice that he was not happy anymore. He was so confused about his situation that he had to go home to our province immediately to escape. I counseled him, telling him to break it off when they can still be friends after. But according to him, she has so many things going on in her life, he does not want to add to it. That he will bear the brunt of it, which prompted me to tell him "How can you be an anchor to someone, when you yourself is drowning!" He was not able to comprehend it at first but eventually he got what I was trying to say. Thinking that I had driven a point, so it caught me by surprise to know that they got back together. My brother's reasoning now is that she does not need any additional emotional baggage! That she has law school to worry about as if my brother does not face the same thing. My brother has law school to deal with as well! Whatever! She does not need additional emotional baggage but she will let my brother carry the load. What a load of crap! On top of that, I am told that she was once again thinking of breaking up with my brother last Valentine's day. Which by the way records have shown that the pressure of Valentines day have prompted people to break up with their significant others on that day. She refuses to accept if it is my brother initiating the break-up but she threatens him with the same thing when she does not get what she wants. What a brat! To think I thought she was the nice one after a string of girlfriends!
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Nakakasuka!

I consider myself a modern, independent woman. I have a pretty liberal view on human relationships. Whatever makes them happy. But it bothers me a lot when I see Lance @rm$trong and $heryl Crow cavorting on tv. They were on Oprah last February 11. I am not sure what the whole show was about - if it was about Lance's amazing comeback to win 6 consecutive Tour de France after battling Testicular Cancer or was it about their relationship which pretty much ate most of the airtime. I mean, I think Lance Armstrong is such a remarkable person to be able to survive and win his battle. I also think that Sheryl Crow is such a talent but like one showbiz show has stated that it seems she has now become known as Lance Armstrong's girlffriend. That isjust the same as saying that all her sacrifices to get where she is now were pointless and down the drain. On top of that, I think it is insulting to his ex-wife and the mother of his 3 children when each time she goes to the supermarket she sees pictures of her ex-husband with his new girlfriend posted in all the tabloids being all lovey-dovey. I am not privy to the circumstances around the break-up of their marriage, that is their business but I guess I was hoping that they (Lance & Sheryl) could be more discrete and respectful. She was the one who was there when he was starting to bike again. Oprah, much as I admire her, she had the audacity to say that contrary to reports, his former wife was not the one with him when he was first diagnosed but it was his mother. I do not see the point of that clarification. The wife may not have been there when he was first diagnosed but she was there when he was recovering and training again for a chance at winning another Tour de France and to four more. Sheryl Crow did not step in until the 6th. Simply put, his wife was there during the trying times but it is Sheryl Crow who is benefiting from it. And can someone please tell me what Lance Armstrong was doing being a presenter at the Grammy's with his girlfriend. Come as a date, yeah but why present an award. And what was up with her comment on stage that her gown was made from his jerseys. Hay the complexities of human relationships nga naman talaga!
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"Kung sinong mahal mo siyang ayaw sa iyo!"

That was a line from a song by Smokey Mountain. I do not remember the title of the song or the rest of lyrics but for some reasons that line keeps resonating in my brain. It is so true indeed. Why is it that the person we like do not like us back? Why is it that those who like us, we do not like them? If you find yourself in a relationship when it was instaneously a mutual liking, good for you. My cousin is guilty of this right now. She likes this guy who really does not make a conscious effort to get to know her or at least meet her halfway. She is going crazy thinking so much into it and her friends are not a big help since she is constantly asked if she likes him back because supposedly they see "sparks" in his eyes. Me, being my cynical self made a comment "baka naman its not sparks for her but he sees stars kasi naumpog pala!" I told her that sure its a nice feeling but not to let herself be consumed by it especially if there is no proof or any inkling that he sees her other than being a gentleman and a friend. It is not her friends who will be hurt if it does not turn out the way she wants it to. It will be her! And I will be at the receiving end of her tears! Geez, he could not even return a text message discussing their plans for the dance. Or supposedly they planned to hang out one weekend only to end up that my cousin and her friend were the ones invited into his planned day out with his friends. The last thing I want is for my cousin to have a broken heart! She can think of him, hope she is right but not close herself into getting to know other people. There are other guys who like her but she might be so focused on this one guy that she might pass on the chance to find her happiness which might be found in another. It is pretty hypocritical of me since I do not follow the same advice for myself but maybe because I have been there that is why I can speak from experience.
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"To assume is to risk a broken heart!"

Has been my mantra all these years.

"To not risk is to pass up a chance on love!"

My sister, Camille's comeback to my line.

Both are valid! Both have merits! Which one do we follow? ::sigh::