$@*%^

My PC was hit by a trojan and some virus. Grrrr! I don't know how it happened. I cannot believe this happened to me when I am very careful in opening files or sites or links that are not familiar to me. Most of the time, I don't even open them at all. Good thing it was repaired but our pc guy said that once a trojan entered my system it would still be there. If I want it gone I would have to reformat my whole harddrive. Leche! I really have to backup my files and have this reformatted so I wont be bothered with all these useless crap called popups. Nakakainis! Why do people create such things? Why do such people exist? Its such a nuisance. I know its the whole supply-demand thing. If there are no people who will make viruses how would antivirus companies make a profit. Whatever! The computer is supposed to make things easier not a whole lot complicated, dangerous and worse it feeds on people's paranoia, I know it does with mine. Now, how am I supposed to do transactions online when I am scared that some jerk out there is lurking and waiting to get my personal information. Buwisit! The pc guy installed an antivirus program in my computer but then those stupid virusmakers are usually onestepahead. Before I know it, a new one is out there that isn't recognized by my @ntivirus software. What will happen now? Like now, links are appearing in this post when I didn't put them there. Its not there anymore because I fused the words or letters together so they won't go to a link to some searchEngine that I have no idea where it came from. In these times, I wish that the whole world will be back to the basics so I don't have to deal with such things.

Falling into place

I was thisclose to abandoning ship for my Lola's birthday come August. We were not going anywhere. Everyone was asking me for a theme and I couldn't think of one. I have opened it to my cousins but it seems none of us could come up with something. All we have is a description of what we want the party to speak of and that is to celebrate her life, her travails, her journeys, what she means to us after all not a lot of people are able to reach their 85th birthday with such fervor and strength. With everything that Lola has gone through with 15 children and all, its a reason to celebrate. It was really frustrating that not having a theme was slowing all of us down because pretty much everything depends on it. I have been having panicAttacks, sleepless nights and abdominal pains just thinking about it which wasn't helping me at all. I knew we had to come up with something pronto.

I woke up early on Sunday despite not sleeping well. I decided to write Ate Joelle an email to share some of my sorrows and also to ask for her help since she has been such a big help from the beginning. Plus, she planned her wedding to my cousin just the two of them and all of her son's parties so she has some experience. In the middle of my rant, an idea actually came to me - a theme. I ran it by Kuya Gerry and he liked it. I ran it by my sister and other cousins and they liked it as well. So now we have a theme and it all started with an idea for the giveaways. We were going nowhere before that because we were all pretty much walking through it blindly. As if having a theme wasn't a blessing already, when I got back from church and checked out the ads that come with the Sunday paper, I found out that M*ichaels, the local arts and craft store have our idea for the giveaways on sale which saves us a trip and time searching for it and at a good price at that. So double YAY for us that day. Before we know it, things are falling into place. We not only have a theme but we have ideas for the centerpieces and the giveaways and I could not be more glad. Along with all of these all my ailments have disappeared. At least I just have to deal with stress as the day draws near and not much anymore with panic. Phew! I hope.

If I sound a bit cryptic with what it really is, pardon me. I will talk about it in length when things are confirmed. At this point, all we have are ideas and they are all flying from everywhere.

If only the budget is that easy to collect and get. Well, that's another story.

I bought it!

Yup, I got the shoes. The same red shoes that I mentioned in my previous post. The next day, I went back to the mall after a whole night of receiving text messages from my sisters fully convincing me to get the shoes. The three of us have the same shoe size anyway. So I went there, hoping beyond hope that its still available. IT WAS! Good thing I went back because it was the LAST pair in my size. Had I let another day pass by, there was a good chance that it wont be there anymore and I know I would be kicking myself for not getting it. My youngest sister Camille said to learn from her mistakes. She loved a pair of shoes but didn't buy it and then she went back a a few weeks after and it was gone and she still regrets letting go of it until now.

I tried it on one more time. I don't know why. The guy helping me asked what the occasion was. I told him, no occasion, I just want red shoes. LOL I had just slipped one shoe on when two women passing by gasped. I didn't realize that they were looking at me or at the shoe and gave their comments. That it looked really nice, elegant and all. That it looked really pretty since I have narrow feet. I really didn't need to consider their reaction anymore since I was more than convinced to buy it anyway. So I did and now, I just need a place to wear them to.

Almost perfect

I don't know what it is but women and maybe some men are in constant search for that "perfect" thing. For example: LBD (little black dress), white tee, jeans, shoes, etc. It is such an enigma why we are constantly looking for it when the reality may be that it doesn't even exist. But I guess, the search is part of the fun of it. I, myself am is in an endless search of everything mentioned above. One of my search is to find that "perfect" red shoes. A lot of people I know (Tet, Clare kayo yun LOL) are also insearchof that "perfect" red shoes. Not one of us has so far been lucky until I went to the mall today with my aunt. I was just going around when I saw IT - the "almost perfect" red shoes by Anne Klein. I will explain the "almost" part later. Maybe its a bit melodramatic but it took my breath away. I went near it and check if it was available in my size and the one on display was MY size. I tried it on and it fit perfectly. It was the right height. It was comfortable. I am sure since I tried it on when I have been walking and on my toes pretty much the entire day. I liked the design. I can already picture the outfits that I can wear it with. The only drawback is it costs more than what I usually pay for my shoes. It may really not be much compared if it had been a Choo or a Blahnik or a Weitzman but still its a lot of money for a pair of shoes that I really am not going to wear everyday and who knows how often I would wear it. I decided to let the logical side of my brain rule..I placed the shoe back on the display rack and told myself to sleep on it. If I still LOVE it by tomorrow and its still available, I am definitely getting it. My sister was on the dot because she said most likely I would go back and buy it. We are the same size too so she benefits if I buy it. My aunt said I would probably not get any sleep tonight because I would be thinking about those shoes. She is right as well because otherwise I wouldn't be posting about it when its already past midnight. My logical side is already prepared with justifications why I should get it: I don't own a pair of red shoes yet, I have been looking for one and now I have found one that pretty much fits the bill. The reason why I say its the "almost perfect" pair of red shoes because I don't think perfection exists and its definition is pretty much subjective. And besides if I say that I have found the "perfect" red shoes, it means my search has ended. What if I find another one that will still fit my definition? Do I ignore it? I highly doubt it. I will still find reasons as to why I want it. I don't think anyone's search truly ends. I know! I know its just shoes. Its not life, love or happiness. Its not going to solve the world's problems, or cure a disease or feed the hungry. But its something I have control over. Shallow as it may be but I felt giddy when I saw it but for now I shall think about it and see if its something worth buying.

When words fail...

post with bullets

• I thought today was going to be a breeze. After all its my last work day for the week. But no! I got a call earlier from some office who came barging in about an outstanding balance which I knew nothing about. So I asked her questions so I can have a sense of what she's talking about, only to be answered with an attitude - that she already left an information which I didn't get. I just sighed but that didn't stop me from asking her questions. Heck if she is going to give me attitude, I will give her some as well. My family and friends are going to laugh at this. I have been told that I have a sweet voice on the phone. That I sound like a little kid which isn't always a good thing. With the kind of environment that I work in, I think some people underestimate me when they talk to me on the phone and think that they can push me around. In the same way, I think some people think that they are talking to this really "big" person because supposedly I speak with such authority and get the surprise of their life when they see me in person - I am nowhere in the vicinity of "big". I like it though. I like it when I leave people guessing. But I really hate it when people misplace their "bad day" on innocent people. Its not my fault if she is having one so she shouldn't have lashed at me. I was merely asking for more information so I can help her. It turned out, the service was given long before I even took over. So I really need all the information to be able to get to the bottom of this. And if its due to my staff's inefficiency then at least I know who to reprimand. But if we are totally not responsible then she will hear it from me. I just cannot go on blindly. I need all the information I need before I chew her head off. LOL


• Maybe its due to the above incident or maybe not but I felt two sharp pains in my chest which made the hypochondriac part of me go crazy. It felt like I was stabbed, not that I have been. I actually almost keeled. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain so for me to react the way I did speaks volumes. Its more physical than emotional so its not a "broken heart". One of the perks of working at a clinic is I can just go down and have myself checked. I am procrastinating until after lunch. Give me a break, I am scared. Now that is the downside of working in the clinic.


• My EKG came out normal. They say maybe it may be due to anxiety or maybe because I am stressed out. Our physician assistant said it may also be a condition called angin@ pectoris - "a pain in the center of the chest which is induced by exercise (huh? maybe lack of) and relieved by rest and may spread to jaws and arms (yup!). Angina pectoris occurs when the demand for blood by the heart exceeds the supply of the coronary arteries." It could also be the lack of oxygen in my heart. Geez, maybe I shouldn't chew that girl's head off then when I call her back. She's not worth getting sick over.


• After the events of this morning, I decided maybe its about time that I have a thorough general examination. I am the biggest chicken when it comes to doctors which is such an irony since I work at a clinic but I have to, need to have one the soonest possible time. My family's medical history isn't the world's best and its working against me. *sigh* And maybe its about time I take exercising and eating right more seriously now.


• One week from today, my dear, dear friend Xsty is going to walk down the aisle. I am sad I wont be able to make it to her wedding but she knows I am happy for her and Tana. Xsty, we will celebrate when you get back. I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine, Doodz over at YM that it seems all of our friends are marrying off. There's only a few of us left, he said. When I asked him who else, his response made me laugh.."ikaw, ako, ikaw, ako, ikaw, ako at si ikaw at si ako" It's not entirely true but almost.


• My single status has turned from sad to pathetic when my very own Lola starts looking at every single, straight guy from 30 to 40 years old as prospects for me. Good thing I wasn't around when she supposedly said "kay Raissa muna" when a friend of my uncle went to their house for dinner and one of the members in the group was a guy close to my age and single. Had I been there, I would have wished for the ground to open up and swallow me alive. But at least my Lola has good taste, he has potential but I don't know how much since I didn't get to talk to him more than the "hi and hello". I believe there is more to a guy than good looks and a profile sheet. Yeah, "mapili daw ako"! Oh well!


• Our house which is undergoing renovations right now is starting to take some shape. Mama, my siblings and I are still not able to picture its final outcome but Papa has and he assures us its going to be nice. We trust him. For some reasons I cannot post the picture here but we are really elevated from the street. Our flooring is so high that if we still get flooded it means our entire neighborhood is already underwater.


• I went to the fiesta celebration of An Taclobanon Association of Southern California last weekend of our city's fiesta. I was looking forward to meeting friends, eating good food and some dancing. But I wasn't expecting that I would be nominated as one of the candidates to be an officer of the association. Some current officers have approached me about becoming an officer. They felt that with me being an officer it will pave the way for younger Taclobanons in the US to join and be more active in the association but I didn't take it that seriously until I saw my name in the list and needless to say I won a seat. So I am encouraging fellow Taclobanons out there to join. We need the young Taclobanons to join so that we will be the ones to usher the association into the future.


• Tomorrow is already July 1st. How time flies. Before I know it, its already August and its already Lola's birthday. Maybe I shouldn't think of it at this point yet lest I suffer another attack. I like to plan events because in that way, my being bossy is expected and forgiven. But, what makes planning for Lola's party quite a challenge is due to the fact that I am allowing as little interference as possible of some of my relatives. I know its killing some of them but nope I am not going to allow them to ruin it for everyone else. I am not going to allow the "vacuums" around to run the show and take credit when credit isn't due. As it is, we are already not getting the help that we need, require, deserve and for us to hear some snide comments from people is uncalled for. If they do not have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. We are not doing this for ourselves but for Lola who deserves this after everything she puts up with. This is the person who gave life to you, to your significant others, that shouldn't even be quantified. No wonder I am having bouts of anxiety partnered with hyperacidity and other emotion triggered ailments.


• RELAX. This is what I need to do SO badly.

Looking in

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Waste of sunshine

Today is summer solstice wherein it is the day in the year with the longest daylight. Today also marks the official start of summer. A few years ago on a summer solstice, Chary wanted to go to the beach but we both had work so that wasn't possible. We live pretty close to the beaches but its such a shame that we hardly even go there. For one, the waters can be frigid no matter how high the temperature is that day. Plus, I guess since we know its just there we tend to take it for granted and just not go. Its the case of "next time". But it would be nice to go once in awhile and just bask in the sun, watch the waves and relax. Summer it seems came early this year. A few weeks ago, it has been terribly hot and daylight has been longer but it has been wasted on me. When I get home from work, the sun is still out. Even if its almost 8 pm, its still sunny. But instead of me enjoying such a moment, I am already in my house clothes, pretty much ready to go to sleep. What a waste of sunshine indeed. I don't really know what to do or where to go. Even if I do want to do something or go somewhere, its one of those things that I really don't want to do by myself. With people busy with their own lives, our schedules just do not match up and thus once again get-togethers are reserved for "next time".

But for how long would we have a "next time"? It's so ironic that people believe that "life is short". That we have to live each day as if its our last and yet "next time" is still part of our vocabulary. I don't know whether the phrase "next time" is our own little prayer of hope. That tomorrow when another day breaks we would still be able to live it, experience it. Or is it synonymous to masking our own fears of the unknown, of the unpredictable. That we postpone what needs to happen now for tomorrow because we are not prepared of what is going to happen, of what is to happen. I think its little of both. We are hopeful for tomorrow to come so that we would have something to look forward to. That we have tomorrow as a chance to rectify our mistakes and inadequacies of today. Another chance to do what needs to be done. But then again, tomorrow also hinders us to say what we need to say today, what we need to do today. Tomorrow becomes our excuse to prolong, to extend what needs to happen because we fear of what the outcome would be. We fear of what would happen if we seize today and it doesn't happen the way we would want it to be, would we be able to face tomorrow? How would we face tomorrow?

I wish it is easy to just seize the day, "carpe diem" but as a lot of things in this world, its easier said than done. To some its an easy thing to do but its not true for everyone. We all have our own personal reasons why we have our "next time". But hopefully "next time" will still be there when we open our eyes because if not, it will not only be a waste of sunshine but a waste of life, a waste of time, a waste of chance that we may not have again.

"I'd like to buy a vowel."

My aunt called me without so much of a greeting. She just barged in with a question...

"What are the vowels?"

I was taken aback for a bit then replied "a,e,i,o u"

I may have forgotten a lot from what I learned in school, after all its been awhile but I think I still know my alphabet.

"Then how come JJ's teacher said that "y" is a vowel. She underlined the letter "y" in the words like "try" and "multiply" as being vowels. The instruction was for the students to color the vowels in each word." My cousin didn't color the letters "y" and "w".

JJ is my 7 year old cousin who is in first grade. My aunt checks his quizzes and homework all the time like she should. And after the issue with a math problem (will explain that later) and after finding out that the teachers do not even check if the students did their homework right or not, she has become more vigilant. It turns out that as long as the students submitted their homework, its fine and because they have a certain schedule to follow. It becomes the students' responsibility to catch up.

What?? "Y" is a vowel? Well, I did explain to my aunt that the letter "y" does sometimes take the place of a vowel sound when its anywhere else in the syllable and the word doesn't start with "y". It takes the vowel sound when the letter before it is a consonant but as far as "y" being a vowel letter is concerned I don't think it is. This recent thing has been an ongoing discussion within the family. We have asked almost everyone, with ages ranging from 7 year olds to 65 year olds and we all have the same answer "a,e,i,o,u". Even on the show WheelOfFortune, the contestants don't say "Y" or "W" when they ask if they could buy a vowel.

My aunt went to the teacher to verify and she indeed was told that "y" is a vowel but my aunt wasn't convinced so she asked the teacher if she (the teacher) could provide her with some writing or update that "Y" and "W" are now considered vowels. I don't know if she has gotten it. Since we haven't gotten anything from the teacher, another aunt's co-worker went to as far as online to get to the bottom of it. In the website of OxfordDictionaries, it said that "yes the letter Y is a vowel or a consonant! In terms of sound. The letter Y can be used to represent different sounds in different words, and can therefore fit either definition." The site went to explain that "whether the letter Y is a vowel or a consonant is therefore rather an arbitrary decision." and add that "the consonant sound is not consistently represented in E.nglish spelling by any other letter, and perhaps for this reason Y tends traditionally to be counted among the consonants."

I knew about this. All of us knew about this. It pertains more to the rules in spelling and grammar which there are a lot but I do not think its about the letter. How then should the instruction in my cousin's quiz been formatted for a 7 year old to understand. Or the bigger question, were the students been made aware of such a rule for them to answer it right? My cousin's quiz wasn't the only one so he wasn't some specific case.

My aunt asking for some proof was to find out if she (my aunt) is so out of touch with today's education and lessons and feared that she would be teaching her children the wrong thing. The teacher was okay in looking for a proof to give to my aunt but after she telling my aunt that "its how it is in this country." I was livid. What was the teacher trying to say? That we were not taught right in the P.hilippines? That we have a different set of alphabets, vowels and consonants? Apparently this teacher didn't know much about history because if I remember right the first teachers in the P.hilippines were from this country which explains why we follow A.merican E.nglish as the medium of instructions. Maybe she should have explained it the way Oxford explained it and kept such comments to herself. My aunt was merely asking, making a clarification and not questioning her teaching abilities even if my aunt has reason to. This is after all the same teacher who gave her students' math homework to a teacher's aide to correct without a proper answer key and who corrected the students' right answer with her wrong one. The math problem was: Four friends bought a pizza. It was divided equally among them. How much did each friend get? The choices were: one whole, 1/2, 1/4, 3/4 Correct answer: 1/4. According to the teacher's aide its one whole. Which clearly is wrong. My aunt went to tell the teacher and it was soon corrected. So in the case of the "y" and the "w", my aunt was right in asking for some explanation and clarification as well.

So what is it then? How do we then answer the question...

"What are the vowels?"

Hindsight is always 20/20

I just found out that this guy that I sort of found cute back in college got married. :( Back then I just thought he was cute but I didn't think much about it. He and my cousin moved in the same circles so that's how I met him. Their org "tambayan" was near ours in school so we would exchange "hi's and hellos" or small talk when he would come over to our "tambayan" when I was by my lonesome. A lot of my girl friends found him cute as well but I think more than cute, he was a really nice guy and smart too. As my graduation drew near I saw less and less of him since he was also busy with his own studies. I just shrugged it off since I just thought he was cute nothing more. I was way too preoccupied with my studies to even do anything or think about anything. Besides I don't think I ever felt that he was into me other than being friends so why bother. Then we lost touch when I graduated and eventually left the country. I haven't heard anything about him since until I found him on Friendster a year ago I think. I was glad but it was also through Friendster that I found out that he has just gotten married. He seems happy which I am glad to know and it has been ages ago so its already a distant memory. It makes me wonder why I was even interested in knowing anything about him. We were not even really friends just acquaintances but he did something one time though which until now I can't forget. On one of those times at our tambayan, he had a brilliant idea to use those correction pen to draw a flower on the nail of my thumb like nailart which was the trend that time. I was bewildered and I tried to pull my thumb away but he wouldn't let me until he was done drawing the flower. I think that flower stayed there for the rest of the day. Until now I still don't know nor understand why he did that for but I smile now when I remember that moment. I actually don't remember the day nor the date just the gesture. But *sigh* he is now married and to his longtime girlfriend at that so.. Congratulations to them!

Random thoughts on an otherwise packed weekend

My closet isn't the most organized thing in the world and it's bursting out of its hinges but I know when items are not where they are supposed to be. Just with one glance I knew that one of my dresses was missing and another top has been MIA for some time. There are only 2 other closets where these two can be: my sister's closet and my cousin's closet - both in another house. But the said 2 items are neither in both closets. So that bummed me out especially since I was saving the dress to wear to my cousin's confirmation 2 Saturdays ago only to find it missing so I had to look for another dress to wear. I have an idea who may have took it without my permission. Only one other person has access to my room aside from my sister and other cousin. Well four others but with process of elimination none of them is the likely candidate. One is too young; one is a guy and 2 are not into my style at all. The only time my sister and cousin can go is when I am there so that eliminated them as well. This other person can be there even when I am not. I feel really disappointed in her. I don't want to confront her because I don't want to cause any more embarrassment. Plus, I really don't have solid proof that she took it, just a hunch. Well a hunch and a history of her taking some of my stuff before. When we used to live in one house I would go through her bag and find my stuff but this time she lives 90 miles away and I doubt if she would even bring it back. My only other chance is to find a picture of her actually wearing these two items. *sigh* I know I should be angry but I am not. I am more saddened, hurt and disappointed because I don't understand why such is being done to me when I am not selfish at all. I let people borrow my stuff when I can and she knows this. I think I am the most unselfish person there is when it comes to material things so it was so painful that such a thing is done to me. I really don't understand. I should really just let it go since its just a dress and a top. The material things I can let go but the principle I cannot. I am even willing to forget everything as long as both are returned to me, not because I want them back but because maybe in that way its her way of redeeming herself and also for our relatives to know that she isn't totally who they all think she is. But I don't know how to do about it. I guess I would have to say bye to this turquoise wrap-around dress with the tag still attached to it last time I saw it and this olive green, racer back top that I only wore once. *sigh*

I finally did over the weekend what I have been putting off for a long time now - clean and organize my closet. I stayed home pretty much all weekend to clean my room. I will sound like a spoiled brat but I miss Mana Mila. she has been our housekeeper since my sister was 1 year old, she's turning 21 this year. She would sweep our room everyday for dust but the general cleaning is left for my sisters and I to do. Here with no Mana Mila to rely on, I put off cleaning when I have a lot of time or when things are starting to annoy me. Its not something I want nor proud of but with the lack of time to do so many things, some are just put off for next time. I tossed out some of the clothes I no longer wear. I changed all the hangers so its all the same now. I read somewhere that to prevent the hangers from getting all tangled up is to get uniform hangers so that's what I did. All white hangers. I consumed 8 packs of hangers that come 13/pack. I also arranged it according to color and same with my folded clothes. My obssessive-compulsive side was in overdrive. But I am happy with the way it looks and I feel a sense of accomplishment. But sadly, I took all my clothes out of the closet and put them back one by one still no sight of the turquoise dress and olive top. =(

I can spend an entire day at a bookstore. I will find any reason to stop by a bookstore when I am at a mall. I can get lost in a bookstore. My companions don't usually enjoy it since I spend so much time but heck there are couches now in bookstores so they can either sit and relax or they can always leave me and I will just meet them later. I am a member of both BarnesAndNoble and B0rders. With my B&N card I get 10% off but I paid a fee. With B0rders I didn't pay a fee and yet I get a lot of perks. On my birthday, they sent me an email for a 30% discount off any regular price item. I get personal shopping time each month which is 10% discount. So yesterday when I found myself at the B0rders near me I got a book and 2 cookbooks at bargain prices and the cashier asked me if I wanted to use my personal shopper discount which I already forgot about. I didn't have the coupon with me but it seems that when she swiped my card, it prompted her that I have not availed of it yet. So I did. But the biggest surprise I got was when I was at the counter and there was a flier for this. Every last Wednesday of each month, my local B0rders will have a KoreanDrama Preview Party. On May 31, its My*Name*Is*Kim*Sam*Soon which is one of my favorites. I already watched this but I am curious to see who would show up.

Papa is turning 57 years old on Thursday and I laughed when I saw in the calendar section of my sister's multiply that at this age Papa, well my parents still don't have an "apo" (grandchild) and it happening soon isn't likely either. Papa has been sending feelers but no major pressure. He said that the house back home is so quiet since its just him and Mama. That it would be nice to see and hear kids running around. I told him to just borrow Ethan, my cousin's son. He said that he and Mama would travel once they are sure that all four siblings are stable (translation: married) but I told him that it looks like it will be some time before they will be able to travel. My reply was met with laughter. I told Chary about it and it seems she too is getting the same feelers. Well she is married while I am not so it is sort of expected of her. My parents has to marry me off first which is not yet in my horizon but who knows. Chary said something that made me wonder if it really is the case. It seems parents want to marry us off because it kind of means that they are relinquishing responsibility of us to someone else. But can't I be responsible for my own self? Can't I not be stable without gettingmarried? My being single has been an ongoing joke within my family and I am sure it will reach new heights when my cousin who's the same age as I am gets married in September. My uncle has offered to be a sponsor. An aunt promised to throw me a lavish bridalshower. Every time they see a wedding, they drop hints that my wedding should be like it. I know they mean well but every time I hear these only one thing comes to mind - they are all giving me away. I used to be scared that if I introduce a guy to the family, they will "grill" him to no end but now I feel that if I do, they would almost "sell" me out. They might "trap" whoever he is and not let him go. Now that's an even scarier thought.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my parent's 31st weddinganniversary. Quite a feat, if you ask me. I don't know how else I am going to pay homage to my parents for everything that they have done for me and my siblings. I think no matter how much I try to put into words all the appreciation, it would never be enough. Three years ago, I decided to put into a really long letter pretty much everything that I want to tell my parents. I am going to post some of it to give anyone willing to know a glimpse on what kind of parents my siblings and I have been blessed with. Its quite personal but since my paternal lola has pretty much shared it with anyone, I might as well do the same. I am sure the past 31 years have not all been rosy and good times but my parents affection for each other has not wavered through the years. I think it has been strengthened now since its just the two of them most of the time at home. Papa's work entails him to go on business trips. He doesn't particularly enjoy them but it is necessary. So even if its going to be an additional expense, he brings Mama along because not only would Mama be able to travel but also because Papa would be able to sleep. We thought that Papa was just acting but he really is not able to sleep when he is by himself. We are a not a very vocal family or a touchy feely one but we show our respect and appreciation through our actions, love and care. All four children may be adults now but I know that in our parents eyes, we will always be their babies and its not going to change no matter how old we get.

June 10, 2003

I hope that we have never given you big headaches, big problems or big heartaches. If we did, I am sorry, it was never intentional. I don't think we would do anything to intentionally hurt either of you. It is the last thing that we would want to do after all the sacrifices that you have done for us. We may have not thanked you enough for everything but we do appreciate and are grateful for everything that you have gifted us with. More than the material things, you have given us something important and that is to believe in ourselves. You have supported us through everything that we have set our hearts and minds into and that makes all the difference in the world. On top of it all you have made sure that we did things as a family. Be it just having a dinner in our backyard, playing a meaningless but fungame of Word Factory, those lazy Sunday afternoons of nothing, sitting in our porch, staring at the stars, those good natured teasing or going around downtown on a whim especially the morning after a typhoon, we found ways to enjoy each other's company with fewer trappings but more on laughter and just plain good times. I look back at those when I feel homesick and my spirits are lifted right away. I am grateful that I have those moments to think about because it makes me sane living in this crazy world. I know that my being away from home was hard to accept but you nevertheless relented because it was what I have decided to do. That support makes all the difference because I know that whatever I decide to do I have your back and you have mine. You never fail to tell me and make me feel that I can always go home when the time comes that I decide to. I am truly grateful for that.

I thank you for your no-TV rule on weekdays because it fostered a great relationship among the four of us; the single telephone line growing up because it allowed us to be considerate of other people, well at times anyway, hehehhe!; the one televisionset in the house because it has allowed us to share the remotecontrol with everyone and come up with a compromise on what to watch; most of all is that you allowed us to make decisions even on the most trivial things because it taught us to take responsibilities for our actions and to know the consequences of our actions. You also never failed to reprimand us when we have gotten out of line. We didn't fully understand the rationale of it all then but looking back at it, we now understand. You just wanted us to walk in the right path.

I think more than being great parents, the important thing is that you are great people in your own ways and not once have one of you tried to be better than the other. Yours is a relationship that is balanced, there is no one wanting more power than the other. Parenting indeed is a shared responsibility and never was it ever clear when we would ask permission and we were bounced from one parent to another on who will give the final say. It was funny then and its still is. The way that you are with each other influenced our own choices more than you would ever know. It's not us being picky for no reasons but all the people who came into our lives and who will come into our lives have big shoes to fill and we have always been taught not to expect anything less. I saw how you have treated each other, with respect, understanding and love. I want the same thing for myself and for my siblings that's why I guess it's going to take awhile for us to find those individuals who will treat us the same way that you treat each other. We will be patient because we will not want anything other than what we have grown accustomed to and grown up looking up to.

We may have grown up more sheltered than others, that, we are aware of but never defined who and what we are. What define us are the love that you have never failed to shower us with, the support and love that you relentlessly and unconditionally give and the kind of example that you have shown us. We are your children, yes but you treated us with respect. You treated us as individuals and allowed us to be one. You treat us as adults when we act like one and treat us as kids when we are acting like one. I know it's hard to let go of your children when the right time comes but you did anyway because you know that it's for our own good too. The important thing is that you don't totally let go and you make us feel that we can always jerk that string and you will pull us through. We are indeed better than anyone not because of our status in life but because you have taught us to magnify and appreciate the good things in people and overlook the bad things. That defines a good person and that is what we aspire to be.

I once heard from someone that "the best gifts parents can give their children are roots and wings." You have given us both and continue to give us both. My family has always kept me grounded, kept me real having to live in this changing, superficial world. You have given us roots strong enough to weather the storms that have come our way and will continue to come our way. More than giving us wings for us to fly, you flew with us until it was time for us to soar the vast, blue sky on our own, securing us a nest where we can go to after flying around this big, blue world called LIFE.

We may not say it often enough but we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We appreciate everything that you have done for us. You have done more than you think you did and that will be our edge when we take our proper place under the sun. Thank you for giving us roots, for allowing us to earn our wings, for allowing us to dream our own dream, for letting us walk our footsteps and not follow yours, for holding our hand as we cross each road and street, for all the hugs when we hurt, for the care when we scraped our knees (yes, Mama even that, even if it was borderline barbaric at times, at least we have no visible scars!), for the scolding and the explanation afterwards because it gave us a better perspective that we were not being reprimanded for no reason and that it was for our own good, for being our friends when you need to be one and most of all for the love and support that you have always given us and continue to give eventhough it wasn't returned at times. You prepared us to face the world, by leading as good examples and by gifting us with morals, values and principles that will be our source of strength in making wise and sensible decisions in life. Trust not the world but trust yourselves that you have taught us well enough to survive in this jungle.

I love you with all my heart and protect you with my life! Strip me with all the luxuries in life, I will still be happy because I have you with me and that's what counts the most in this life. Life is not easy, no one said it will be but we all have made it better for one another and that is what is important.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PAPA & MAMA!

Queen Rania of Jordan

I don't know what it is about her that first caught my attention. But since the first time that I heard about Queen Rania of Jordan, I was in awe of her. I first came to know her I think when King Hussein died and Prince Abdullah, her husband was crowned and she became Queen of Jordan. I read about her and was in awe because not only is she pretty but she's educated and is pushing for women's rights in a country that the whole world may not think would be very accepting of women. I think in her own little way she is changing the whole structure that women are being perceived not only in her country but in the world as well. She also has this charisma that I think draws people in. I admire her a whole lot. She is not only a queen, she is a mother of 4 as well and she puts family above everything. I was so excited to learn that she would be a guest on today's Oprah show. I want to know more about her. I am just glad that I have a job that allows me to be able to watch the show while at work but I still set the timer on my recorder at home just in case. I love, love her name and if and when I do have a daughter I am going to name her Rania. There is just something in the way that name sounds when being said that I love. Maybe because its close to my name and its quite unique. I have gotten a lot of curious questions when people learn my name. My siblings and I have pretty unique names and its nice to tell people where our names came from and why our parents gave us these names. I would want my daughter to have the same experience.

Life's simple pleasures

I was tagged by Kaytee to list down 10 of life's simple pleasures. I thought that it would be relatively easy list to make but I thought wrong. I don't know why.

Instructions: Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.

1. Getting letters - snail mail, email, long, short - I take anything. Back in college I would have the biggest smile on my face when after a stressful day in school I would get home and find letters from my friends. Some even just live within Manila and yet we still wrote to each other. I have kept every single one of them. Its also fun to read them again now. I had a few unexpected letters from my parents as well where I would already be bawling with just merely reading the "Dear Raissa" part.

2. Out of the blue text messages, well of course they have to be good ones. I think text messaging is one of the world's best inventions LOL. If the Sorelli sisters in the show "Related" have what they call a "phone chain", my family and I have a "text chain" or a "text brigade". When my sister's purse was snatched on her way to the airport heading for home, in a matter of minutes all of us already knew. Nicco sent a textmessage to Mama who was at home who sent a message to Papa who sent it to my sister and I. I knew right away too when 2 of my dearest friends passed the Philippine Bar Exams. My dad and I even have a disagreement through text messaging. But lately, his texts have been trickles. After seeing his latest bill, he decided to slow it down a bit. That goes the same for me. Aside from family, those unexpected "hw r u?" and "wats up?" from friends are enough to make me smile.

3. Red Boba Milk Tea from Guppy Tea House in Cerritos. Its hard to get a table on weekends since a lot of people hang out there but those Red Boba Milk Tea are worth the hassle. If getting a table is really hard, we can always order it to go and enjoy it in the confines of home.

4. Rain...good book/good movie/good drama with a happy ending...warm blanket and my blanket since I was a kid.

5. A day of nothingness but not staying home doing nothing. No definite plans. No definite place to go. Just a leisure walk through life.

6. Packages in the mail - cds, dvds, magazines etc. I think its the whole anticipation for those to arrive is what does it for me. Especially if its my dose of KoreanDramas and other AsianDramas. I wait and wait for it and when I get home and see a box or a bulky envelope, I smile and sigh and forget that it was even a "bad" day.

7. Dates with myself. I find comfort in the hustle and bustle that is lunch hour. I actually enjoy going into a restaurant, hoping to get a table by the window, write or people watch as I wait for my order. Sure I enjoy the company of others as well but lunch dates with myself is bliss. I get to reflect and meditate.

8. Finding that ever elusive "perfect" fitting jeans, "perfect" little black dress, "perfect white tees" etc. Finding the item that I have long wanted to get is still available. I am not an impulsive shopper but if I can't erase an item from my mind and when I go back its still there then its for me. Shoes as well - flats, sandals, wedge, heels, flipflops, embellished, unique designs.

9. Randomly calling friends and them picking up or returning the call when I leave a message. In this busy world that we all live in, it is so easy to lose touch with people. My friends and I are all busy with things and there are times we don't speak to each other for long periods of time and on a day that I feel like calling them to catch up, they pick up and we talk like as if it hasn't been a long time.

10. Conversations with my parents and siblings.

Would like to know your "10"...

- Camille

- Isy

- Kat

- Kai

- Clare

- Jennie

- Jan

- Fla

- Je

- Gail

No cost therapy

You Should Be a Poet

You have a way with words... and a talent for drawing the pure emotions out of experiences. Your poetry has the potential to make people laugh and cry at the same time. You just need to write it!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Writing is my therapy, my stress reliever as well and if I am able to evoke emotions in other people when my intention was just to feel better myself or let off some steam then I guess I made a difference. When it comes to writing, I am my worst critic. I made a mistake of asking my mom to send me the poems I wrote back in high school and I cringed. If I wasn't lactose intolerant already I would be by the amount of "cheese" that were in those poems. I guess I just had to chalk it up to my being young then. I just wrote on the basis of what I knew then and what I felt at that particular point in my life. I am also very conscious that it has to be grammatically correct, the spelling is right and it makes sense. That's why the 3 most important companions that I must have when I write are: dictionary, thesaurus and spelling dictionary.

I have also written in the most peculiar places. One time in the middle of the most crucial time writing my college thesis, I stopped working on it, took out a piece of paper and wrote a poem in less than 30 minutes. I guess I just had to rest my brain. Yup, I rest my brain by doing another thing that requires me to use it. I also once wrote a poem during a debut of my sister's friend; while looking after our bakeshop then; after reading a book about Soulmates on a 4 hour road trip and other really strange instances. I guess this is the reason why I have to have paper and a pen with me at all times because I don't know when inspiration would strike.

My sister asked me why I haven't compiled or published my short stories and poems, after all there are a lot of them. I guess, I just never felt confident enough about my writing for me to share with a lot of people. My family and friends and maybe a few strangers here and there are enough for now at least. I am actually not scared of rejection. I think its a good thing so I may improve. My parents have encouraged me but there just hasn't been a chance or I don't know if its really something that I want to do. Maybe because, a lot of my short stories and poems are very personal to me, an extension of who I am, of what I feel, of what I think. Its like imparting a part of myself to a lot of people, which I may not yet be prepared to do. Plus, I am not sure if I really want to do it on a long term basis. I write when I want to, when I need to, when I feel like it. I just feel that if the pressure is there to come up with something sensible at a given time, it will take away the fun part of it from me. I really write to keep my sanity and to express myself, now if it gives comfort, hope, joy to someone else then, that is just the bonus, the icing on an already decadent cake. But I am not closing any doors. Tomorrow is after all a new day.

Letting off steam

I would like to believe that I am one of those people who have a lot of patience. I do not get affected or pissed off easily. When I do it means that I have reached the very end of my rope and I need some time alone or need to do something to release all those pent up emotions. Writing has been one of my ways to let off steam and so far the one that has worked the best.

* Some of my relatives are acting dumb again which is annoying me to no end! Really they should be the adults here but no! They are such a baggage that I, along with my clear thinking relatives really shouldn't be carrying around but we are. Then again we can choose our friends but not our relatives. When would that time be?

* I think people, in any shape, size or form are bound, born even to be judgmental. We frown at what other people do that we may thing isn't appropriate. We question people's actions just because it wouldn't be the same thing we would do if in the same situation. We are quick to judge and yet taken aback when we are called about our own hypocrisy. We question other people's value system basing it on our own when we shouldn't because each person as his or her own value system that they live by. What may be wrong based on our value system isn't wrong when based on theirs. Our value systems are shaped by so many different things - family, religion, society, morals, education etc which are not all the same and objective so its a moot point to even be pissed if some people just don't look at the same thing like we do. I am guilty of this as well but I think studying Psychology and age as well has taught me to be less judgmental and more tolerant of other people just cause they are different and do not think the same way I do. We, after all are all individuals and unique in our own way. Shouldn't we just celebrate our individuality and not base what people do on our own definitions of right and wrong? Don't get me wrong. I am no angel nor saint. I also snap one in awhile after all I am still human.

* Fourteen years of studying Religion/Theology and all those years spent studying in Catholic schools has taught me that God created people in his own image and likeness. I was also taught that service to man, is a service to God as well. Whatever we do, how ever we treat a fellow human being goes back to a Supreme Being. Why then are there people who have so much faith in God and yet so little, almost non existent faith in people? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of how we were created in the first place?

Snapshots

I am once again in that stage that so many thoughts occupy my mind but I can't seem to find the time to put them into words and can be classified as a sensible entry. So in lieu of such, I invite you to take a look at my sister Camille's photoblog. Right now, she is a frustrated photographer, saving up for a really good camera with Papa's help which he offered after seeing her photographs. On top of that, being a student on the verge of graduating. =) Just a sneek peak, here are photos of hers, posted with permission of course.

Renovation

After the recent torrential rains that poured into our province and caused massive flooding yet again, my dad made a decision to raise our flooring which was just raised back in December. Ever since we moved there in the late 70's, I don't know how many times we have had to raise our floor. It has been raised so much that a few times more we would have to slouch so we wont hit our ceiling. So now, since we would have to raise our flooring once again, it means having to raise the roof as well.

When Papa mentioned to us his plan, we were all in agreement that it was the best thing. We were saddened because we love our house but in order for us to keep it for a long time we would have to make some changes and sacrifices now. It is going to cost a lot but I think its a small sacrifice to make for us to still be able to keep our house. I thought it was nothing major - raise the floor, raise the ceiling and add more flood control things. This was the picture that Papa made me see. He said nothing is going to change much. Our house will still look the same with certain additions. My brother will have his room again after his old one was made into my parents walk-in closet. Our (the girls) room will be bigger since our current room and the adjoining room will be made into one with our very own walk-in closet. Yay, something that I have always wanted. I gave Papa ideas of what my "ideal" closet looks like and he likes it too so he wants the same for their room. Aside from those basically it will be kept the same. After all they were still able to salvage at least 50% of the tiles, wood etc. The roof had to be replaced since it was still part of the original house which makes it 28 years old. The doors as well since water damage is very evident.

So I was surprised when Mama said that our house looked like a shell after the clearing. Okay what is that exactly? Then a friend mentioned to me that it seems something major is being done to our house. I still wasn't able to grasp it. That is until my sister posted pictures of our house or whatever is left of it.

(clockwise from top left: dining room, our room, the exterior)

I was shocked! This is not minor renovation. This is major! Its almost like we are building a new house but it will just look the same as what we have before. But I trust Papa's judgment. He told us that the result would be to our liking. Knowing my father, I know it will be. After all this is the same person who designed our dining set, bar, bar stools, gate, etc when he couldn't find any to his liking. Papa has really good taste when it comes to interior decoration and so does Mama. Plus, it helps that all of us pretty much are on the same page as to what we want the house to look like. I have confidence in him along with my uncles and cousins who are all engineers as well as to the architects that he has commissioned. Some of our relatives are wondering why Papa and Mama are making sure that we will like what the outcome would be since we are all grown-ups now and no telling who among us would go back home. But that's the thing, at least we know we still have a home to go back to when we want to. A home where we grew up in and have fond memories of. Though it may look new, at least we will be able to keep the memories and make new ones as well. Plus, did I mention that I am really happy about the walk-in closet in our room.

It is such a great feeling to be included in the decision making process of it all. We are in this as a family and that is great! Its a big sacrifice not only financially but also convenience wise. My parents are currently staying with an aunt who good thing lives only a few houses away so Mama is able to check the progress regularly. I have no doubt that our house will turn out nice and will still have the same "homey" vibe that people first notice and feel as soon as they step foot into it. I am actually excited about it. I just hope it will be done by our target date, May 2006.

Is this a sign?

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning. It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Are You A Good Cook?

It's just the beginning

Nicco with his baby (??) sister

Last weekend was a proud one for our family. My only brother, Niccolo graduated from San Beda Law School. It was a culmination of four years of hardwork, sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears. I remember when my brother first told the family of his plan to enter law school, it was met with apprehension and doubt. We were not so sure how serious he was in pursuing this. This was coming from someone who was still sound asleep at 12 noon when he had a 1PM class in San Beda during his undergraduate studies. He was I guess confident because we lived just a few blocks away. Probably the harshest critic among all of us was our dad. Papa went to law school but work got in a way so he didn't finish it. He knew first hand what would entail if Nicco pursued this that was why Nicco really had to convince Papa that this is something that he would be sticking to. Papa made sure that it was not all just because of the title. Nicco had to really prove that he wanted to do this and follow it through. He took the entrance exams to law school, got accepted, graduated and now busy reviewing for the bar exams.

It must have been doubly hard for Nicco when he went into law school. He not only had to deal with his studies but at the same he had to prove something not only to himself but also to us his family. All of us are extremely proud of what he has accomplished so far but we are also probably the "reality" that he needs to make sure that things are kept in perspective. We push him to do his best and at the same time give him the biggest support that he needs. Papa may have been harsh at the start but his support was unwavering. His text messages and stories to me about the updates about Nicco speak volumes. It was only when he entered his 3rd year in law school that we were fully convinced that he was serious with this and from then on he has our utmost support.

I really believe that Nicco has what it takes to be a good lawyer. I think living with 3 sisters has prepared him in defending his case and making sure that he is heard. I admit, my sisters and I have been really harsh on him sometimes especially when it comes to life, clothes and his lovelife. I guess we manifest our love and concern that way. But the thing with Nicco is, not once did he take our ribbing seriously. To him it was just his sisters being well his sisters. If there is one thing that almost everyone, relatives and friends say about him is that he is nice. Even our high school teachers say that he is the nicest. Oh really!? But kidding aside I think he is nice but it doesn't mean that he is always like that. He has his moments too. Nicco is also probably the sweetest guy we know to a point that it can be nauseating to us his sisters. He is "malambing" to Papa, Mama, and to us as well. It is sometimes a funny sight because there is this big guy and he acts like a kid with Mama. I remember him complaining to me about this one time that he had gash on his face when he slipped on some rocks and Mama just told him "here is a tissue.". He actually wanted Mama to wipe the blood from his face. I laughed and told him that at least Mama gave him a tissue and didn't just tell him to get his own tissue. He may be nice. He may be sweet but I know he has what it takes to be a lawyer and be a good one.

The next six months are going to be tough as he reviews for the bar exams. But like when he was studying if there is one thing that he wouldn't have to worry about it's his family's support. He will have it 100% if not infinite. We would be there to cheer him on and to encourage him as he reviews. I am just glad that from the beginning he has surrounded himself with a group of friends who are also serious with this as he is. So that helps a lot too.

Congratulations dear brother! Good luck!

New version of you

Can you become

Can you become

A new version of you

New wallpaper

new shoe leather

a new way home

I don't remember

New version of you

I need a new version of me

This song is the theme from the tv show Felicity. As I was watched the teasers before this tv show premiered, I knew that this was one show I would be watching. I guess because at that time I closely identified with the character of Felicity. She was embarking on a journey of her life...college, while I was embarking on a journey of my own, well I still am. I was in that crossroad in my life to make a change, not clear whether it was for the better or not. All I knew was I needed to do something to find out what it is that I want out of life and what I want out of myself.

I cannot say that I was a loyal watcher. Maybe the first 2 seasons I was. I just watched the final 2 seasons sporadically but I can still follow the story. Felicity left the comforts of home to go to a school that was in the opposite side of the country. In part it was because of a boy but I think as time progressed it was starting to become apparent that she did it for herself as well. But the point is she took a risk and accepted whatever it was that was going to meet her along her journey. By the end of the series, Felicity was no longer the same freshman that first stepped into my tv screen. Thus, I think it was very appropriate that the theme song of the show would be "new version of you".

Like Felicity, I left the comforts of home to go to college in Manila. Being the eldest, it was tough. I was entering a world that was totally new to me. It would be a hit or miss of sorts. This was the reason why I made a conscious decision then that studies would be my top priority and every thing else was just going to be distractions. I never regretted that decision and I still feel that way. This way of thinking prompted my cousin to say that I was so serious about life. That I needed to loosen up. But at that time I did what I thought I had to do. I still take life seriously now but I think I have made adjustments as well to enjoy it while I still can because today is all we have. I cannot be hung up on the past since its behind me nor think about the future since I do not have an idea what it would be like. All I have is today and that is what I am going to focus on.

They say that the one constant thing in this world is change. But I think it is also the same thing that people are scared of. I know I am. I am scared of changing who I am, of forgetting who I am. Changing means shaking the equilibrium that I have built for myself all these years. I think when we have built a world that we are comfortable in, we would really want to keep it that way. Once we have built our very own bubble, we are scared to venture away from it. But then we are hindering ourselves from learning when we do that. But do we really change or like what the song said we just "need a new version of me"? When I turned a year older this year, I remembered this song. It has been awhile since I last saw an episode of Felicity or have heard of this song but for some reasons I thought of it, if not the day of my birthday, the days after it. I had visions of clearing away my closet for clothes that I thought I must not wear anymore, thought of changing my hair. Aside from the hair part, I haven't done it but it continues to plague my thoughts and I am thinking that maybe I should look deeply and find "a new version of me". Who or what is the "new version of me"? I am not sure yet but I am slowly discovering it. I do not mean total abandonment of the person that I have become. I am who I am today because of the people I have met, experiences - both good and bad that I have been through, trials, challenges, failures, triumphs, disappointments, happiness, sadness, heartaches that I have been through and will still be facing. But I think just do what I want to do without having to worry of what others will say or do something and worry about it later. What have I thought of so far?

• start writing again. May it be poetry, essay, short story, anything. I have equated not writing to not feeling and I don't want to be that way. Even if I am not in my best of moods, I still would want to write because at least I know that I still have feelings and not totally apathetic.
• rediscover cooking and baking, who knows enroll in culinary school finally. I have been sent a brochure and each time I see the ad on tv, my yearning grows. I don't plan to make a career out of it. Its just my passion.
• save up so I can live on my own and bring my sister along. Living with relatives has its good and bad points but at this point in my life I would want to stay away from the people that sometimes make me question who I am and what I am. I would like to be comfortable and happy rather than being sensitive and understanding of other people's feelings. Papa was right I have to start thinking of "me" first rather than other people.
• Travel by myself. Well, maybe go to place where I may know someone but discover the place on my own. I always do the "touristy" thing but I don't think I truly know the place. No specific place in mind yet.
• Learn photography. I have the perfect camera already in mind. Just need to buy it (still saving) and start learning.
• Start dressing my age. It seems shallow but I think the reason people don't believe how old I am is because of the way I dress.
• In one of my "crazy" days, I have thought of getting a tattoo LOL. A small one. A heart, a dolphin, a flower, anything small. I used to want it in my lower back but now I want it in the inside of my ankle. I think that is the ultimate rebellion for people who know me but then again this is not about rebellion but about a new version of me. So that is still questionable plus the fact that I am deathly scared of needles. That is one factor I have to consider. Maybe compromise and get a henna tattoo one instead. At least I got that out of the way.

We will see.

3-0

12:00AM 3/28/2006

Happy Birthday!!!

- Mama

How fitting is it that at the stroke of midnight the very first greeting I got was from the person I owe my life to - my Mama! Papa already sent me a text message a day early. He is functioning on Philippine time so when it was the 28th there he greeted me. His text made me tear up because he said that early that day Mama was just recalling that as if it was just yesterday that I was on a crib at the bakery and here I am now all grown up but sans a lovelife. Thanks Papa! But of course, he just had to add the one comment I should get used to this year..."lagas ka na!" (You're old!). Along with it are:

"wala ka na sa month ng February" (You cant be found in the month of February)

"malapit ka na mawala sa kalendaryo" (You will soon no longer be in the calendar)

"30 ka na?! (insert gasp) ang tanda mo na!" (You are 30?! You are old!)

Another first was my sister Jehann greeting me a few seconds after my mom did. It was a surprise since my sister is usually asleep by midnight. But she set her alarm so she can greet me before she goes back to bed. My other siblings: Nicco and Camille sent me text messages. I am really grateful for all the greetings - in Friendster, forums, emails, calls, text messages, instant messages just about any avenue there is. It is truly heartwarming.

Turning 30 is scary. Its daunting. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen. I guess I got too comfortable living in my 20's that nothing could prepare me for this stage in my life. But a friend told me that there should be nothing to be scared of because I have a lot to be thankful for. He is right. I have the greatest parents, siblings, cousins and friends. I have lived a good life as well and that is enough to celebrate and to toast the years to come.

I guess I am one of the few that actually do not mind telling people my real age when asked. I am not insulted by such questions. Not that its a joyride either but I just see no sense denying or hiding it. I think I heard it on Oprah one time that "to deny one's age is to deny a part of who you are". I have no intentions of sorts so when people ask, I tell them. Usually they do not believe anyway which is a compliment I gladly accept. Just this morning someone actually thought I was 17. Oh if that sweet old lady only knows.

Today marks the start of a new year for me. I don't have expectations nor grandiose plans. I am just going to enjoy it as much as I can.

What's in the stars?

I am not really a big believer of horoscopes but its my birthday so I indulged myself.

Aries 3/28/2006

Relying on others doesn't come easily to you, but you need a third party's advice. Right now, this person has much more detachment on a tricky topic than you do. What they can tell you is invaluable.

It's time to relax and have some fun -- not alone, but not in a crowd of thousands, either. You want to have some fun, but you probably also want to spend your time with just one quality person. Someone you've been dying to spend your time with. So instead of dragging yourself out and pretending to have a good time if you're not really in the mood, snuggle up, kick back and enjoy a quiet evening -- a party of two.

You need to make sure you are surrounded by people for most of the day. You can absorb the energy they generate, and they will probably need some direction from you at the right time.

Your understanding of others and your willingness to jump right in makes you an ideal romantic advisor at the moment, so don't be surprised if everyone's consulting you about matters of the heart. Just advise carefully!

Dragon 3/28/2006

You'll have the possibility to reach a long-coveted objective. You'll also succeed in making yourself indispensable in your professional circle and your ideas will be taken as the authority. Some risks of disorders, especially as concerns your kidneys. Perturbations in your emotional life, but you can finally work out an understanding with your mate. Influential people may offer you their help to promote your affairs. A change may prove very favorable and based on a stable and serious union.

You'll devote much of your time and energy to the task of bringing to a successful conclusion the projects that you have your heart set on, but some unexpected obstacles will slow down their progress and put your patience to the rough test. Also, you'll often be set against yourself, for you will have too much ambition and will forgive yourself no weakness or shortcoming. Try to be less tense and you'll be promptly rewarded, as this year the stars will greatly favor patience and tenacity. Casual encounters may very well end up as profound friendships. These relationships will prove most interesting to you since, apart from their sentimental aspect, a common intellectual research will give your exchanges a non-conventional character that will delight you. Remember that 'friendship doubles joys and reduces sorrows by half' (Francis Bacon).

It's nearer than I want it to be

1 week

7 days

168 hours

10080 minutes

I still have mixed feelings about it. I don't know what to expect, what to think or what to do. Or maybe I am just thinking into this way too much than I should. I can spend this week dissecting what the past year has been or I can just look back and reflect on it with a smile even with all the ups and downs. I can look back and ponder on the "what ifs" and "could have beens" or just shrug, pick myself up, move on and look ahead.

Is this year going to be just like last year that it will pass by so swiftly that I wouldn't even notice it much. Or would it be different? I don't know if this year would be better or worse than last year but I hope it would be better and happier. So far it is starting to look promising and interesting.

Dinner with Chantal and others on Tuesday

Dinner with Isy and Kat on Wednesday

Party with relatives on Sunday

Reality in TV

(Disclaimer: Some parts of this entry may be a spoiler to some readers who follow these shows. Please read with caution.)

I think people will be surprised to know that I watch a lot of law-enforcement themed shows: C$I (V3gas, Mi@mi & N3w Y0rk); Law&Order: SVU, WithoutATrace, PrisonBreak and 24. I like how C$I and L&O are able to crack cases and the process that they go through and WAT finding the missing and how I feel like I was one of the characters who are searching for that missing person. I will admit that the first thing that drew me into PrisonBreak was its star: WentworthMiller then the story got really good and I have been watching it regularly. As for 24, I would only watch it sporadically but my uncle got me hooked so now I try to watch it regularly as well. It is fast paced and adrenaline-filled.

Other than for entertainment purposes, so far its been these last 2 shows (PB & 24) that has stirred the most emotion from me specifically disdain for the two characters in these shows: the Vice-President in PB and President Logan in 24. I guess the reason why I abhor them so much is because I know of people like these. I have had encounters with people like these and it is appalling. I usually refrain from discussing politics but I think watching these shows last night just made me so mad. I don't know if there could ever be a more stupid president than President Logan. Each episode I feel like eradicating him from this world. He is more concerned of how he will be perceived than taking care of his citizens. He has limited skills in decision making and relies so much on his aides who also don't know much. He would rather listen to his aides than to his wife who has been so far right in her observations eventhough her state of mind is in question. But she actually make sense when she isn't drunk or drugged. Sometimes I wonder how did this dimwit ever become president but then I stop and remember that I don't have to look very far because all I need to do is just look outside my window and such a character is prevalent in Philippine politics. Each election year, we have "clowns" roaming our streets appealing to us to give them a chance to serve us but only for them to be unreachable when the call to serve is already there. But then again who really is to blame why we have these "clowns" in office: Is it them who are testing if we will take their bait or is it us, voters who take the bait? So is the stupid that is President Logan a reflection of our politicians or a reflection of us, voters? I guess a little of both and maybe the reason why I am so enraged by this character is because he is a manifestation of the reality in Philippine politics that try as we might to fight against continue to persist.

If the character of President Logan irritates the heck out of me, the Vice President on PB makes me so mad. I feel like she is the one that needs to be put in the electric chair. If President Logan is stupid, the VP is just pure evil and she reminds me so much of someone I know. The VP is just way prettier than this other person. The way she manipulates, uses and takes advantage of her position is so dead-on and the sad part is it seems no one is able to stop her...yet. She will do just about anything just to cling on to that power that she holds so dear. This person I know even went to as far as pressuring people in government to close down a school because its owned by someone who might run against her and topple her. A school that is giving free education to deserving students. She is going to do that to ensure her re-election even if its at the expense of her constituents' education and dream of a better life not only for themselves but for their families as well. The VP doesn't appear regularly but when she does, she just spews pure venom that I always feel like sticking my hand into my tv, holding her by the neck and shaking the life out of her.

I am not a violent person but when it comes to characters like these I cannot help it. I guess because I am not able to do it to the person and the characters on tv shows are much more accessible and without repercussions. The beauty though of watching these characters on tv is I can always change the channel but sadly such isn't the case in real life. We all have to deal with it whether we like it or not. But then again, we can always choose not to deal with it at all when we don't allow it from the very beginning. Then again that is easier said than done.

Bonding time

For the past two Saturdays my relatives and I have been having some drinking sessions and our choice of drink was this. I actually do not want to refer to it as drinking sessions. When I think of it, what comes to mind is a group of people drinking and the talking part is just secondary. Usually when everyone are pretty much drunk. Ours was more of good conversations and we just happen to have some beers on hand. I am not a beer drinker but when I tried San Mig Light I liked it. It was smooth and didn't have that bitter after taste which turned me off beer before. Even when it wasn't ice cold it was still good. I know that this is not something new to my sister and brother in the Philippines but its quite new here. Its only been lately that this was available.

It was pretty fun but I admit kind of odd to be drinking with a male cousin who is 8 years older and 2 uncles, who were really not that old. Both are 40 years old and not at all far from our ages but still they are my uncles. They knew that I drink but never WITH them. Add to that we were having shots of this all around too. So it was a bit strange at first. If that wasn't weird enough, my 2 aunts and Lola were also there but they didn't drink it was just a cousin, my sister and myself.

Topics varied from the funny to serious to teasing. Being that it was only the 3 of us girls who are single, we got a lot of ribbing but it was all in good fun. We discussed family issues, relationships, and life in general. Its nice to have that relationship with my male relatives. We are able to get a good perspective into the male specie and we also got to ask age old questions about them. Not that we really got good answers but still. One funny moment was when my uncle told me specifically that "men are like diesel fuel. They need time to warm up!" To which I said "so you are admitting that you guys are slow!" This got laughs from everyone and a "batok" from my cousin. I admit I can be sarcastic and add alcohol to that, well...

Conversations like these are not at all new to me. I used to have the same conversations with my guy friends and guy cousins but never with uncles. It has been awhile since I felt I have had great conversations with people. Most of my cousins who I am always with are just in their teens. They have a far different concern that I do. So what happened this Saturday was nice. It was the first time we did it when it was just a small group of us and it was out of the blue. We just decided to get together, get some drinks and we were not expecting that it was going to turn out the way it did. It was daunting at first to open up in front of my uncles. I can do that with my brother, my cousins and my friends well because they are closer to my age and I consider them my peers. Uncles just put them in a totally different level. After all they are my mom's youngest brother and brother-in-law. I guess I was anxious to get to know them deeper because I feared it might cloud this whole perception that I have in mind of them and vice versa. I didn't want their perception of me to be clouded. But boy was I wrong. I think it was a great opportunity to get to know one another well. Now, we cannot wait for the next one.