Ika-anim ng Disyembre

simula na ng SIMBANG GABI!

Well this year, it started on the 15th to the 23rd. Holy Family Catholic Church in Artesia decided to start early so as not to confuse Simbang gabi with the Filipino Mass that is going to be held on the 24th at 7:oo PM.

Unlike in the Philippines where simbang gabi is at 4:30, it is an hour later here. Looking at it, it really isn't a big difference but the thing is before last year simbang gabi was held at night. I was able to complete it once before but I was still back home and it was much more accessible and easier to go. I have been wanting to complete it again but the odds were against me until this year. I went to my 7th mass this morning, 2 more and I completed it. It isn't easy. For one thing, I am not a morning person. Had there not been simbang gabi I wouldn't wake up until 7 or 7:30 to go to work. But now, I wake up at 3:30 and the most is 4. It is quite too early for the 5:30 mass considering that the church is just a mere 10 minutes away. The thing is, I have to take a shower before my aunt does or else I wont be able to that is the reason behind setting my alarm clock at 3:30. I thought it would be so difficult for me to wake up. But surprisingly, the opposite happened and this is coming from someone who probably presses the snooze button more than I should. Sometimes I even wake up before my alarm clock sounds off. I wake up earlier but my sleeping time stays the same. I pretty much just get close to 4 hours of sleep each night. My eyes are tired, yes! I have lost count of how many times I yawn in the course of the day. But my energy hasn't wavered. I am as alert as if I was able to get a full nights sleep.

Every day, the church is full of people not at all bothered by the fact that its really early in the morning and it can be very cold as well. The crowd is a mix of Filipinos, both parishioners and non-parishioners and even non-Filipinos have attended and to think that the entire mass is said in Filipino. There is a mass guide that is provided with the flow of the mass in both Filipino and English but readings, gospels and homilies are said in Filipino. I guess the person beside them is helping in the translation. Aside from being able to experience simbang gabi as if all of us were back home, right after all the masses, there is a "salo-salo". Food is being prepared by the different religious groups of the parish and shared with everyone. Here, people get to know each other, discuss the theme of the day or just share jokes. Someone from Tacloban actually recognized me during one of those. Even the priests join in and make sure to meet and greet each and everyone that came. By the 6th mass, Fr. Johnny, the pastor already knew me and even asked if I was already on my way to work. I was. Should I rethink going to confession there now? =) Not at all.

It was said that the intentions of whoever is able to complete the 9 days will be granted. I knew about this and yes I have my own personal intentions but it is not the sole reason why I wake up early each morning to go to mass. According to the Archdiocese of Manila website, it is not in the quantity of masses that one attended but what matters most is the disposition of the person who receives the blessing. I believe this. Sure it would be nice if my intentions would be granted but more than that I think after the 9 masses, I hope I would have a better understanding of my faith, of my place in this world and what is being asked of me. No, I am not all of a sudden going to turn into this "super person" doing everything but do something within my own life what I feel and think I should. I think being able to experience even just one mass is what inspires people to keep coming back and complete it despite of all the hardships and challenges. I could have easily gave up with all the factors that I have to consider but I haven't. In fact, it is getting easier as the days go by. I am actually looking forward to it. It is going to be a change when all of this is done. I may stick with it, still wake up early but not as early as this or return to my "old" way and that is sleeping in. If there is one realization that I learned from going to these masses is that I can do anything that I put my mind into. I decided early on that I would want to complete the 9 masses and here I am close to fulfilling that. Maybe after simbang gabi I will check back on that list that I have made on what I want to accomplish and change for the coming new year. Find one that I would really like to do and much like with the simbang gabi, follow through it and reap the rewards later. I think there is no greater feeling than a sense of accomplishment of doing something despite of all the factors weighing in and no other motivation but the one coming from within.

Aside from feeling a sense of accomplishment from going to mass, I have all of sudden started taking pictures of the sky as we make a beeline towards the parish hall from the church for the "salo-salo". I wished I would have done it from the very first day but at that time for some reasons it didn't come to my consciousness until one of the churchgoers pointed it out to us and it was indeed a sight to see. It was already the 18th. I missed 3 days. Isn't it sad that such a magnificent thing is right before us but we refuse or fail to see it until someone brings it to our attention. I guess the reason why I didn't notice was I was concerned about my own self, trying to warm myself from the cold. But now, no matter how cold it is, I stop and focus my cameraphone towards the sky and take a snapshot of it. I don't know for what or why but seeing such a beautiful sight makes me feel good and leaves me in awe.

December 18, 2005

December 19, 2005

December 20, 2005

December 21, 2005

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!!

credit to http://www.djkatscan.net/home.html

Stressing over nothing

A few weeks back my immediate boss (Boss Roger) told me to take one day off each week especially around the time that the big boss (Dr. C) will be out of the country which is starting next week. He said for me to pick a day where I am least needed or when there will be the least disruption in the operation and that would be on a Friday. Taking a day off means I will only work 4 days a week. I was at a loss why he would want me to shorten my work week when we are already swamped as it is. Plus I really have nowhere to go if I don't go to work. Boss Roger didn't tell me why he asked me to take the day off and frankly it made me paranoid. So many things came rushing into my mind and I was growing concerned. I kept on asking myself, "Did I do something wrong?" "Is this the initial stage before I am going to get fired? Is this his way of telling me to take a rest now so I will be re-energized come the new year?" I asked him why he wanted me to but he still didn't give me a straight answer until today.

I was at our other site when a problem came up again in one of the other sites. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to address the problem and the office manager wasn't able to handle it as well as we would have wanted her to. But I understand where she is coming from because I am going crazy as well thinking why we can't seem to find a way to straighten out the people there. There are far too many problems that I don't know where to start. It is making me frustrated and stressed out. I was giving Boss Roger some of my observations since he has always told me that his role is to be the "bad guy". He will be the one to talk to the employee that made the mistake. Then he told me...

Boss Roger: The thing with you is when you are frustrated, it shows in your voice, it shows in your face. That is why I want you to take a day off each week. I didn't tell you about this earlier."

Me: huh??

I guess he probably thought that I will feel bad if he told me the reason why he wanted me to take a day off. Frankly, I agree with him. I did tell him that I get really cranky when I am stressed to which he joked

"Kelan ka ba hindi cranky!"

Me: "eh ibig sabihin nun na I am always stressed!"

Yes I am transparent that way. My emotions can be seen in my face and heard in my voice especially at that very instant when the cause of my stress and frustration becomes apparent. This is also the reason why I keep my mouth shut when I am in that situation because I might end up saying something I don't mean or don't have to. When people are very emotional, we tend to be irrational and illogical and I don't like that. When I am emotional I am not able to think straight so I opt to remove myself first from the situation, think things through and only then will I be able to come up with a way on how to attack the problem. I can remove myself from it physically but not emotionally. I am a human being after all.

Now, that I know the reason why I am being told to take a day off, I don't feel so bad anymore if I do take up the offer. Initially I didn't know where I will go to which Boss Roger was so surprised to hear. But with Christmas looming, I will use that Friday off to finish buying presents and start crossing people's names off my very long Christmas list. I don't want to wait at the last minute because it will just escalate my stress level to new heights. I don't need nor deserve the additional stress right now. Work and self-centered relatives are enough. =)

Imagine being roused from your sleep at 2 AM with a text message that says:

"Did you hear the news about your Papa? =("

This is what my sister got and being that our parents are halfway across the world, it would have sent me on a panic. Good thing I didn't get the text, good thing I was told of this after I have been exchanging text messages with Papa all afternoon and good thing that prior to this text message, my sister was already told of what really happened. It was all misinformation.

Papa was our province Vice Governor for 3 years but during the last election he didn't run the same position. But for some reasons, some people still refer to my dad as the "Vice Gov". So when news that the Vice Governor was involved in an accident broke out, a lot of people thought it was Papa. It was horrible because so many versions of the story were coming out. There was that the Vice Governor (current) was in critical condition and was in a coma. I couldn't verify these news. But last I heard was her condition was already improving. I pray for her speedy recovery.

I do not for a second would want to even think if what if it was my dad. I refuse to go there. I have been in that type of situation once and I realized I am not prepared for anything yet. My maternal grandfather died a few days after 9/11. The world was in chaos, my mom was in the Philippines and no matter what happens she was going to make the trip to bade her father goodbye one last time. Papa decided to go with her since Mama was in no condition to be able to think straight. As soon as their flight was confirmed, it was the beginning of an experience that I will always remember. The airports were closed for private vehicles so we had to come up with a plan where we were going to pick them up. They were supposed to arrive on a Thursday night which gave them time to be at the wake before the funeral on Saturday. I was at a hotel lobby waiting for their call along with my cousins but midnight came and no call. I called my brother in Manila to ask if they were able to leave and my brother said that they did. I had no idea where my parents were and no one could tell me. I called PAL. I called LAX for any information but no one could give me an answer. Finally PAL told me that they were just delayed, then that their plane was redirected to Honolulu and would be coming in on Friday night. My cellphone bill has never been this high. I was calling Philippines, Hawaii, LAX, PAL. I think I may haven even called NAIA at some point. Add to that the calls from my relatives who were growing concerned. But at least I was able to speak to my parents by this time. They were at a hotel in Honolulu and would be arranging for their own flight to LA since PAL wasn't going to be allowed to fly to LAX as originally planned. This is the part where I am so glad Papa decided to fly with Mama. My mom was far too distraught to do all these arrangements. The passengers were told that they had to land in Hawaii because supposedly of an engine malfunction. But later on per my parents accounts, it turned out it was a security precaution and that once they entered US air space, they were escorted by 2 fighter jets. The next day, my cousins and I went again near the fastfood chain where my parents would take the taxi to and where we will meet them. Still no sight of Papa and Mama. I was growing concerned because Papa and Mama went through all these and for them to miss the funeral is just plain cruel. That would have been heartbreaking for my mom. I slept beside my cellphone waiting for their call. Finally at 5 AM Saturday, the most amazing call of my life came. It was Papa, "we are already here!" My cousin and I went to the fastfood restaurant again and after a few minutes my parents emerged from the taxi. Finally I could breathe. We had little time to spare. We got home at almost 7 AM, get ready for the funeral at 10 AM. Good thing it was earlier requested that my Lolo's casket be opened so my mom can see her dad one last time and say her last goodbyes.

My thoughts all during this time was, please not both parents. I would have probably gone insane. My brother and sisters in the Philippines and me in the US. Being the eldest, I know that a big responsibility is going to be put on my shoulders. Responsibility I think I can handle but more than that, I realized I am still dependent on my parents no matter how much I have exerted my independence all these years. The recent text message/joke just reaffirmed to me...I still need Papa and Mama.

Where was I?

It is a good thing Kaytee tagged me because it gave me a reason to post something. It is not because I have nothing to post about. I actually have a lot of topics in mind but they are all jumbled up in my head that I am having a hard time figuring out which one to do first.

So for the meantime...

10 years ago,

I was on my 3rd term as an AB Psychology major at DLSU Taft. Preparing for Finals week at the same time preparing for our trip to the US for my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary.

5 years ago,

Been in the US now for 2 years. Good thing two of my best friends were already here as well so it wasn't so bad. This is the year that I had the highest high and maybe not the lowest low but a low point...malabo na nga, mas lalong lumabo.

A year ago,

I helped my aunt pack their boxes to the Philippines. I packed 5 balikbayan boxes all by myself in one weekend. It was hard but I enjoyed doing it since it would be my uncle's first trip in 40 years, my aunt's in 20 and my cousin's in 18.

Yesterday,

Being that it was a Thursday and my aunts have Charismatic Prayer Meeting, I had the house all to myself. Since our internet at home wasn't working, it gave me time to do my laundry, fix my room and rest.

Tomorrow,

Anything goes. I could be at my aunt's house painting. I could attend a friend's baby shower or I could finally do some Christmas shopping since my list is pretty long.

Today,

I actually woke up earlier than usual but it was so cold so I curled up in my bed for the next 30 minutes before I pulled myself out of bed to get ready to go to work. Got to work, checked my mails (no internet at home, remember) and reading about the Music events that happened in the Philippines: MTV AIDS Summit and NU Rock Awards.

I am tagging: Camille, Diane, Kat and who else who wants to do it.

Acting like a toddler

Thanks once again to Kat for the title.

She called me a toddler when I complained to her that I am feeling cranky today. We have all heard about the phase called "terrible twos" and I feel like one today. I do not know what contributed to this or if this was a carry-over from yesterday. Might be lack of sleep, stress or maybe PMS or worse all of the above. I have been in a foul mood for the past few days and much as I don't like it, I cannot help it. There are just a few things going on in my life that are contributing to this and it sucks but I just have to weather through it. I am better than this but for the time being I do feel like a toddler and I feel I need to be one. I am just acting out I guess because of all the pressure and frustrations. I think I should find a better alternative in dealing with this or maybe I just need a good rest.

Work has been hectic and stressful as it is, add to that this person who is acting as if he is the boss of me or he is in charge when in fact he isn't. He used to manage the group that was occupying the building which my boss now owns. When that group folded, he was left in charge of the building until someone buys it. So at first I was well aware of his role because our company was just leasing then but this time I don't get his interference when our company now owns the building. Sure he has been hired as a consultant since he is well knowledgeable with the area and the medical community as well. He would bring in new physicians that will rent some of the rooms in the building. That part I get but what irritates me is the fact that he sometimes oversteps beyond his boundaries when it doesn't and shouldn't involve him anymore. And that means my job. I think he is confused with the line that separates the company that he is part of with the one I am part of. I should have nothing to do with him. I have voiced this out to my administrator and he too isn't particularly happy but at this point we still "need" his services and that means we have to take it whether we like it or not for the time being at least.

I do not mind the assistance but I do not like it when he tries to impress us with all these plans which I admit may be beneficial to the whole company in the long run. However, it pisses me off when he acts as if his plans are a go when they only sound good on the ideal plane. But applied to the day-to-day operation is a totally different situation all together. Its as if he will be the one left with the responsibility to implement them and deal with the possible problems that come along. For as long as he is able to deliver to my boss what he is supposed to deliver, that is it. When we, who are left to deal with it daily, have to face the problems and find solutions for them when that would have been avoided from the very start. I do not like cleaning up a mess that someone created or worse when there shouldn't be a mess at all. He has so much plans it is overwhelming and we are going at a rapid speed. I just wish that things slow down a bit..Identify and deal with the existing problems before adding more that are potentially source of problems as well. I mean I haven't even had the time and the opportunity to address the problems that are plaguing this site that I moved into a month ago, there are already areas that were introduced yesterday that I can already see the potential of problems coming up. I want to deal with the imminent things at this point and get it out of the way or at least curb it a bit before accepting anymore problems. "Nagpapalapad ng papel kasi buwisit!"

As if work isn't stressful enough, my relatives have egos the size of the whole Americas that its putting a dent into the holiday spirit. I have been around them for 7 years and I should be used to it by now but still. I wish sometimes to smack all of them in the head that for once can they look at the bigger picture rather than being so microscopic about the situation. For once think of the whole picture and not focusing so much if whether it affects them or if they are going to benefit something or if they are going to get something out of it. It pains me to see my Lola being so sad and confused about the whole situation. My relatives are blinded by their own personal agendas that they all forget who is greatly affected by their actions..my Lola. Its infuriating. If not only it is her familial duty and responsibility, I want my mom to have nothing to do with the whole situation. The "fortunes" that everyone seems to be so into isn't even a lot. Its not going to contribute much into their personal incomes and yet they act as if its this massive thing. I just want my mom to have what is rightfully hers and no injustice will happen. Its not about the fortune even. They can really have it but since as an heir my mom is entitled to it, I just want her to have what is rightfully hers in the first place. I mean for crying out loud these are your siblings, your own flesh and blood and yet some of them let greed and their blown up egos to cloud their judgment on what is just right for everyone and not only for one's self. I better not hear a negative word about my mom or they will not hear the end of it. They may be older than me and my mom's siblings but I hear one negative thing said about my mom when she isn't around to defend herself and when she didn't seek to be in that situation in the first place, they will hear it from me.

There is a four day holiday ahead of me and I want to take that time to really rest and take control back of my life rather than see it spiraling down. I do not like feeling this way but I guess from time to time we are forced to, only to inform us that we have a choice whether we will allow it to consume our entire life or we find a way of going around it and learning from it. Give it to me to find a silver lining out of all these but what else do I have if I will not see it that way.

ETA: Thank goodness! My boss have noticed how work has been stressing me out that he told me to take a day off next week. He thought I was already due for a vacation but nope. I am not due until next year so I guess the next best thing is for me to take a day off. I asked if I could take Friday off instead. I made it a holiday before I asked him. So my four day holiday is still on.

Whose life is it anyway?

In the past three days, I have been told of 2 "dates" or introduction if you would want to call it that. My uncle blurted it out on Wednesday when we went to his house to visit my grandma. I was barely starting to take my first bite when he said it. Lucky enough I didn't choke on my food. He just gave me the basics: Filipino, 40, a doctor. Then just now my cousin called me that she has someone to introduce to me. Once again, Filipino but I didn't get the age, lives out of state, coming home for Thanksgiving and the dad was the one who asked my cousin if she has female relatives. Two totally different persons but one thing in common: apparently their relatives would prefer them to be with a Filipina. Oookay! On both accounts, I said okay like I always do. It is a flat "okay". I do not think I can give more reaction than that because I find no reason to be overly enthusiastic about meeting anyone I know nothing about. I prefer not to know a lot, so I wont have any preconceived perceptions about the other person. Start with a "blank slate" in other words...tabula rasa. Plus, I prefer not to have expectations so that there is no pressure, no frustrations if the "meeting" would turn out to be a bust or the guy turns out to be a dud or I just don't see anything there. I will be cliche' here and say there is always room for a new friend. However, it seems my relatives have given them an overview of who I am..based on what my relatives think or see as me. They may be right but they may also be wrong. That remains to be seen.

Is there a marquee on my forehead that I don't know about that states "introduce me to someone"? I really don't mind but I don't like it when people makes me feel that its their obligation or duty to do it for me. Or worse if they make me feel that they have to because it doesn't seem like I am capable to doing it on my own or would do it on my own. I also don't mind if the intention is for me to meet new people or new friends but the thing is, it makes me feel as if they are hoping for something more, leaning towards the romantic side. I am sure that my "single" status baffles a lot of people but it doesn't bother me the least. My status is such a big surprise to them that they are making it their life's mission to change that. WHY????

My sister got me a shirt which states: "single by choice". This is true for now at least. I don't feel its such a tragedy but some people think it is. I want to bide my time even though as some people have pointed out "malapit na akong mawawala sa kalendaryo"! It is my choice to concentrate first on myself. I felt I have not taken full advantage of all the opportunities that are out there for me. I felt I haven't had "fun" in my life, to enjoy life on my own. All my life, I felt I have put everyone else before me: my parents, my siblings, relatives. Don't get me wrong I don't regret the choices that I made. I made those conscious decisions on my own and I felt at that point in time it was the best and right thing to do. Now with my siblings all grown-up, I feel its my time to do my own "growing up", to enjoy life, to experience everything that I have to experience yet: travel, enjoy time with family and friends, have fun, enjoy my life before I let someone in. Some may argue that having someone around shouldn't stop me from doing all these and more. But the thing is, I feel that it will. For a long time, I was always considerate of other people, putting them first. For the first time, I really do not have to do that. Sure I am still considerate of other people but not to the degree that I used to. At this point in my life, my time is mine, my weekends are mine. I do not have a lot of people whose feelings I have to consider. I do not have to let someone know what my plans are or who I am going with or where I am going. I just inform my relatives where I will be but its not as if they are going to stop me. Selfish as it sounds, I want to grab this time to grow and really get to know who I am before I let another person in. I was always a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a colleague, a co-worker but does anyone of them really know who Raissa the person is? I do not even know who that is yet, how could they?

Family members and friends even acquaintances think that they have a clear picture of who would be "perfect" for me. Do they really? I do not even know who would be "perfect" for me. What makes them think that they do? They can assume all they want, conclude even but the thing is usually they don't have a slight idea either. It is like a "hit and miss" thing but whose life are they tinkering with..MINE! Since it is my life, shouldn't I be allowed to tinker with it? I understand and appreciate everyone's concern. I am grateful for all of their efforts but I would really appreciate it more if they would wait for me to approach them rather than making that decision on their own. I know I am lucky to have family members and friends who just wants to see me happy but my happiness isn't solely dependent on another person making me happy. I also prefer not to bestow on someone the credit or the blame of bringing that "happiness" to me.

I am going to keep an open mind and meet these fellows but I am not promising anything. I just hope that if it turns out to be a bust they don't put the blame on me. After this, I hope it becomes clear that maybe its high time that things are better left alone. I hope they will let me do this on my own terms. I would really be happy if they would just leave me alone, figure my life out first and then start from there.

It is MY LIFE anyway!

Not a fan..

There is a pile of clothes waiting to be folded calling my name. There is my closet waiting to be tidied up gazing at me. But here I am in front of the computer posting an entry. Well, not entirely since I have clothes in the dryer that I am waiting for that I have to hang right away so I wont have to iron them. Embarrassing as it is, I am going to admit that ironing isn't my friend. I do not enjoy ironing or folding clothes. I will avoid it as much as possible. I will rejoice when the day comes that a dryer that will iron and fold my clothes gets invented and made available on the market. Only when I need to would I do it. Not that I am totally lazy but I guess my inner OC-ness comes out when I do these chores. I remember ironing my handkerchief back then and I made every attempt to make all four corners aligned. I do not mind repeating it over and over until its done. I get peeved when after ironing one section of the shirt and making sure that its crisp and without wrinkles, the cord gets in the way and messes it all up. That is also a reason why I prefer not to iron. I want a wireless iron. Because I know myself that I wont stop until it passes quality assurance. I am not really that bad because I know of people who iron their jeans and wouldn't mind taking them off again when they see a wrinkle in it and iron it again. I am not totally OC in every way. But I do have my little quirks here and there. Like for instance, my coins are divided into 3 canisters: quarters, nickels & dimes and then pennies. If one that doesn't belong in the canister falls through, I will fish it out and put it in the right one. I am not a total neat freak but I am not a slob either. I'd like to think I am in the middle. I wont tidy up if I don't feel like it but when I do, even if its 3 AM I will do it.

Its not much about cleaning as it is about organization. For as long as I can remember, my mom has taught us to make a list before going grocery shopping. We do not go around, back and forth at the grocery. We go aisle by aisle, getting the stuff we need as we go along. When my dad leaves on business trips, he leaves my siblings and I a list of things we need to do with our names spelled out on the top of the paper. When traveling, my mom told us to make a list of the things we packed, make 2 copies, leave one at home and bring another one with us. That will be our guide in making sure we don't leave anything behind. The newly-washed clothes should be at the bottom and rotate it. This is why up until now I am still a "list" person. I make a list of the things I need to do for the day. Granted I am not able to follow it to the letter, I still make one. I make a list of what I need to buy at the grocery or mall. I still make a list of what to bring when I travel and I "double check" my double check if that even makes any sense. Though, I have not gone to as far as alphabetizing my cd collection, I do organize them according to artist. I group together those cds of the same artist. My accessories have their own little compartments: real, beads, pearls, silver, wood, brass, earrings, rings, necklaces, bracelets etc. These are all in one place. Because of the number of accessories I have, it can seem like its not even organized but I can find whatever it is I am looking for and I know when any of my stuff is missing. I call that my "organized mess". My work desk is a prime example of this. My desk has seen better days with different piles around but I know where things are even if I am out of the office. I can direct whoever it is that's looking when I need him or her to find something. But watch, the moment I start fixing all of them, I forget where I placed things when I need to find them and that makes me crazy.

This post is so random. I think blogging is my excuse to not do what I am supposed to do but alas they beckon so I am left with no choice. I do not have Mana Mila around so I have to do it. Much as I am not a fan of ironing and folding clothes, I am not a bigger fan of seeing a pile of clean clothes on top of my bed. Its not going to magically disappear so like it or not, I have to do it. Got to go, my clothes are shouting my name.

Transition

One of the reasons why I have been out of the loop is the fact that I moved offices. I was really dreading it and found numerous excuses to delay it. But I could not delay it any longer. I work for a medical group with 3 clinics and 2 out of the 3 are directly under my supervision. Not to boast but those 2 are doing fine partly because I have worked there for 7 years now and have developed a system that allows me to have 2 weeks with sporadic- phone calls vacation and no major problem waiting for my return. In other words, the staff can pretty much function without me hovering over them constantly. With the change in organization, it meant that all 3 clinics will now be directly under my sort of supervision, billing-wise. I know that is a step up for me and a good opportunity but it also entails more responsibility and problems. Two things that I wasn't so sure I was willing to take at this point but what choice do I have. I do not want to sound ungrateful but my job was already hectic as it was and adding another one with more employees meant a major headache especially in the initial stages with the transition and all. But I took it because if I really look closely, it was an opportune time for me to put in place the same system that has been working in the 2 other clinics. I guess it is working well for my boss to suggest to do the same thing with the 3rd clinic. Uniformity of all 3 facilities meant less problems and rules apply to everyone. No need to adjust as much. But its harder than I thought for one I knew there was going to be some resistance from the already existing employees but the thing is once people have been set in their ways, its going to take some time before they can unlearn their "old" ways and adapt to the new system. It has only been 3 weeks and things are progressing slowly. It is still a "wait and see" period. I had no illusion that it was going to change overnight. Though, its progressing slower than I would want it to, I just have to be patient that in the long run it will eventually improve and make everyone else's lives, including mine, easier. It has to because I am not due for another vacation until next year and I don't want to feel like I need one very soon.

Apolitical

I do not believe that a person can be truly apolitical. Much as we abhor it to our very core, the fact is our daily life is all politics and involves politics. I think its a misconception that politics is solely in the government. There is office politics and even in families there is politics. When my siblings and I were in college in Manila, every start of the school year, Papa calls for a family meeting to discuss our allowances and in some instances to negotiate it. Since Papa is pretty much aware of how much things, food, fare and others that a college student needs costs, it can be an uphill battle. We win some, we lose some. But he was never stingy as long as money that he and Mama worked hard for was being put into good use. Asking permission is all politics as well. We present our case and make some promises along the way for example, coming home at a decent hour and on time, calling if in case we wont be able to make it on the time specified, being with the people we say we will be with. Sure, some promises may be broken like how our lawmakers break them but in the family politics, there is actually a corresponding punishment when we break them. We ask for forgiveness and promise not to break them again. There is accountability for our actions and repercussions which may not necessarily stop us from making and breaking them but they sure curb it a bit. But there is one thing that I don't think has ever happened in my family politics and that is take someone's side just because. We have to be given enough proof for us to side with one or the other and in fact not siding at all is the better way to go. Or we side with what we think is the right thing to do. I may exert my role as the eldest from time to time but I hope my siblings will agree with me that I have not used my birth order to impose upon anyone what I feel needs to be done when it may not be the best way. Plus, I think no matter how old my siblings and I get, the ultimate power still lies on my parents and we abide by that but it doesn't mean that we cannot present our case and fight for it.

I just recently found out through a very good friend of mine who had a drinking session with my dad that Papa said I am "rasonable", that I always have a "rason". Its funny because I think as I got older, I do not just allow my dad to think that he is always right. I challenge his reasoning sometimes. Papa also added that we have clashing ideas about so many things and its true. Not because my intention is to be disrespectful but I just want to present to him another point of view. Looking at the same situation and yet having a different view of it might just aid him in maybe thinking differently or looking at it from a different perspective. Sometimes our emotions get the better of us that we think irrationally and impulsively which prompts us to make hasty and unwise decisions. It was a surprise to me to be told that and at first I didn't know if it was a bad thing or a good thing. So I consulted the 3 wise people around me: Jehann, Nicco and Camille and they all laughed so I guess its a good thing. I don't think Papa should have been surprised why I am the way I am. He is the same way and surprisingly enough so is the rest of my family. Interestingly enough, we may have differing opinions but there hasn't been a chance that we were truly mad at the other. Annoyed and pissed maybe but never angry. I guess because we all agree to disagree. We may not be sold on what the other person's opinion is but we do not forget that it is the person's OWN opinion. Sure, we slip from time to time but eventually we realize that its not going to take us anywhere but into a world of hurt , anger and despair that at the end of they day, we are left to wonder if insisting on what we want was all worth the disintegration of the family.

It saddens me though that such isn't the case with some of my relatives. It pisses me off that some of them are trying to steer my Lola into siding with them even if whatever they are doing is going to be of big injustice to the others. Though I am already an adult in all cultures, if I am in the company of those family members older that I am, I am not an adult anymore. I feel like a 12 year old sometimes. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I feel that I am in no authority to disagree with them no matter how stupid of an idea I think it is. I think in these times, its better to keep some safe distance rather than include myself in the situation when I shouldn't be involved in the first place. I think that attitude has kept me sane for the 6 years that I have been around some of them. I try to steer away from it because the lesser I know, the better. I actually have stood up in a middle of a discussion because I felt its not something I would want to hear and be part of. Rude as it may be but its better than way. I think my relatives get it now. They know I know a lot because unlike some of them I actually take time to look at both sides. I am not one to be swayed by choosing closer ties to what I think is right and appropriate. They also know that they can ask me all they want but if I know its not going to do anyone any good, my mouth remains shut. Unless they grossly malign my mom, then that becomes a totally different story. Its better to stay neutral. My friends have told me that it irritated them that ever since they could remember I have always been neutral with how I deal with sticky situations. Unless I need to be involved, I never involve myself. My rationale is "why should I be the gasoline to ignite the fire when I can be the water to extinguish it." Plus I think its highly childish to pressure someone to side with you just cause you need someone on your "team". If people truly want me to side with them, present to me why I should not because I have to. I think I have the right to ponder on it before I make some decisions. Otherwise, they can fight it out all they want, as long as they do not involve me, I am just going to be a spectator. Why join the fray when I have front view seating. =)

Nagging thought

This has been in my mind for some time now. I think its going to ignite some strong feelings and opinions. Its quite controversial but I just had to ask.

Can a person be PRO-Choice and yet ANTI-abortion?

Here I am!

Yes, Clare, Gail, Kat, Mina, Yam and everyone else who has been wondering what happened to me, I still exist. It just has been a pretty hectic life that I have been leading that it made me wonder, I know life is short but did it have to feel like it was ending that day? I honestly felt that my days were just a blur and it was just passing me by. Even my weekends, which should have been my chance to re-group, was full of activities. I was getting exhausted and cranky that one day I decided to take stock of my life and finally have a day of "nothingness". It turned out I wasn't the only one feeling tired. My cousins felt the same way. We all wondered when was the last time we just drove or walked aimlessly and the moment that it took us some time to answer that just means one thing...It has been awhile.

Well the one day turned into 3 weekends going to 4 now of "nothingness" and its great! My friends were very surprised because with so many relatives we always have a frenzy of activities to do, parties to organize and go to but this time there were none. So, along with my cousins, we filled our weekends with no agenda, going to the mall, having lunch and watching movies. I also filled it with having "dates with myself". It may sound pathetic to some but I actually like doing things on my own. I eat, shop, and watch movies on my own. I used to do that back in college and it gave me peace. Believe me, coming from a big family, I yearn for "alone" times, away from the chaos and these were those times. With my lola's return from the Philippines and my sister coming as well, I can already sense that my weekend of "nothingness" is coming to its end. So might as well grab it while I still can.

Jehann

I haven't seen my sister, Jehann for 6 years now. Jehann is the one who came after me. Growing up, we have had our share of rough times. I will admit that finding out she was coming gave me a mixture of dread and excitement. I was excited because after all I haven't seen any of my siblings since 1999 I think. We fill that distance with constant phone calls and now text messaging. I think the distance did us some good because we have learned to appreciate each other. At the same time I was a little bit dreading it. Much as we both deny it, we are the same. After all we both came from the same pod. We can be both stubborn which had made us butt heads a lot of times. Our youngest sister, Camille said that Jehann and I are just as different as we are alike and it can be hard. I was really stressing it because I do not want to fight with her. I want to have a really great relationship with her. I turned to friends to give me some guidance and they all said the same thing..maybe its not so bad and I am just making such a big deal about it than it really is. Much as I took their advice in, a part of me wasn't totally sold on it until one day. I was going about my usual day when it dawned into me, having Jehann here, I will finally have someone on my side. She is my ally and not my enemy. If there is anyone who will totally get me, its will be her. We may have had our differences but against other people, we only have each other to depend on. So now, as her arrival draws near, I am thinking of things of what we can do, just the 2 of us. I know it will involve some talking and what a conversation its going to be. After all, its going to be pretty much 6 years worth not including the 6 years worth of stories of Papa, Mama, Nicco and Camille as well. I am looking forward to that.

"The Bad News: Time Flies! The Good News: You are the Pilot!"

I saw this sign on our way to my aunt's house. I wasn't able to take a picture of it but I will the next time we pass by that street again. If you think about it, its true. It is pretty much the same as my weekends of nothingness. Had I allowed it to continue I think time would have just passed me by but I decided that it was time to change it, veer away from it. I took control of my life that was almost spinning out of control. I didn't have a hold on it anymore and just letting life takes its course with me just along the ride without any contribution. I didn't have a word yet at that time to call it when we started our weekend of " nothingness" but in one of those weekends I saw this sign and now I have quote that can aptly describe what we just did. It was a brief moment when I saw the sign but it stayed with me until we got to my aunt's house. I even wrote it down just in case I forgot. That wasn't possible because those words have been ingrained in my mind since then. It kept resonating in my mind and now when I sense that my life is once again spinning out of control, I have to remember that I am the pilot of my own life. I am in control of what I want to happen to it. I can crash and take a nose dive or I can cruise amidst the blue sky. I can make it into a bumpy ride or smooth-sailing as I wish. Life may just swish by me but at least I know I was the one responsible for it and not some other factor or person.

The book I am reading

I finally got hold of this novel "When Chic Hits The Fan" by Kitty Go. It is an entertaining and funny read but I got bored in some parts. Though it is fiction, I wonder how much of the book was taken from actual events, names changed of course. It basically chronicles the life of a magazine editor being an insider in the world of fashion, society and entertainment. I am not much of a reader of the Society pages in the Philippine newspapers so I have no idea who these people are and I really couldn't care less either. I admit I would read once in awhile but only for its entertainment value and usually because I have read through every page of the newspaper and I am still yearning to read some more.

It was funny but I found the tone of the writer quite spiteful or maybe the character was meant to spiteful. It felt like I was reading one long rant and no resolution was in sight. I also found the other characters very shallow, well maybe that was really who they are and what they are supposed to be. Some of the chapters left me hanging on what exactly happened to the certain individual who was the focus of the chapter. It's like the chapters were written in a hurry that the author forgot to write a chapter conclusion or ending. Towards the end of the novel, my hometown Tacloban was mentioned. But I do not know if it was a compliment or an insult. Let's face it, Tacloban is hardly mentioned anywhere outside of well... Tacloban. I had classmates in college who had a "huh" look or a "saan yan?" look in their faces when I would answer their question.."where are you from?" Sometimes I even have to refresh their Philippine geography so they would have an idea where in the map of the Philippines they can find my city. For a novel, read by a lot of people, to mention Tacloban was I guess a feat. But the thing is how it was described was kind of insulting to me, enough for me to read that certain paragraph several times. It was in the chapter of this guy who threw a party at the MET in Manila. The sentence that threw me off as said or whispered by a private banker was.."I can't believe you feel bad because this party only shows how low one can go - first Hongkong, Bangkok, Manila soon Tacloban." Wow to be in same sentence as these other cities must be nice and among all the other cities in the Philippines, the writer picked Tacloban. Why? I have no idea. But the way that it was insinuated was quite insulting. Hello, Tacloban may not be metropolitan but at least majority of the houses have phones and cable TV when most of the country still had "party lines" and local channels. Beaches are 5 minutes away and within walking distance, no detailed planning required. People can walk during the early mornings and late at night along the streets and not an ounce of fear that one's life is in danger. The moon and stars seem nearer because no bright lights are sharing in its brilliance, fresh air and clean water. Papa told me to be proud and happy I grew up in the countryside and proud and happy I am. So for my city to be mentioned in such a way hits a raw nerve. Plus the fact that I had not so nice experiences from my classmates back in college about my city that's why I am quite defensive about this. It felt like I was back in college all over again. But I guess it wasn't as insulting and disturbing when a daughter of Tacloban, Imelda Marcos announced to the whole world, the documentary about her life was screened in Cannes, that who would have thought that a girl like her who came from a third world country, Philippines and a third rate province, Leyte would get to where she is now.

If that wasn't enough, a few chapters more was a story where the character's first name is the same as mine, same spelling and all. But the character was just so shallow, petty, user-friendly, not to mention dumb and worse a social climber. I know I am nowhere near that character but I take pride in my name because people have complimented me for having such an unusual name, sharing it with some amazing people - former First Lady of USSR, Raisa Gorbachev, a philosopher and poet, Raissa Maritain, a scientist, Raissa D' Souza, and a singer from London, Raissa. Plus it means "thinker" in French. Yeah I was bored one time and I searched for my own name. Quite pathetic but at least I learned something. So imagine my reaction to find it in a book I was reading, hardly ever happens and attached to a character in such a way was just disturbing and weird.

Of course like any novel, it included a disclaimer: "This is purely a work of fiction. All names, places and situations that may be familiar to real life are coincidental. The contents do not reflect the views of the publisher, the author's former and current employers, friends and enemies, family (in heaven or hell), household staff (efficient and inefficient), pets (dead or alive), Chinese tutor, and clothing suppliers (Baclaran to Balenciaga)." But really, disclaimers are just protection from being sued for slander. Who can really prove that these are just figment from one's imagination.

I know! I know! It's just a book, a fiction at that. It really means nothing and it wasn't the author's intention if some of her readers will take offense from it. I am just being way too sensitive about this whole thing. I should really just enjoy it and not think too much about it. I am still going to continue reading the book until I finish it. I am almost done, no sense stopping now. But this is a good thing for Contemporary Philippine Literature because people are realizing that there are a bunch of talented writers in the Philippines, capable of writing intelligent, relevant and enjoyable works. This is a much needed and timely exposure. For that alone, I commend the book for bringing awareness into the surface. But now I want my Summit Books.

ETA: Finished reading it. The ending seemed hurried to me. The main character was able to get out of the not so savory situation she was in but it didn't seem like she ever learned anything from her whole experience. Oh well, I can put this behind me now.

Smiling like a loon

Credit to Kat for the title.

I have been following up the story on one blog of this guy who has been in love with the same girl all his life. Yes, Jeff, your blog. I even made a comment on what a tragedy his life has been since this girl who is the object of his affection seems to be attracted to someone else and worse of all is the girl and the other guy has asked for his (Jeff's) help. If that isn't an "ouch" moment I do not know what is. However, there has been a latest development in this story which made me smile for Jeff. His latest entry says it all. I know that to some it may sound crazy to cling on to feelings that may or may not be reciprocated in the way that we would want it to but who are we to judge. Is this the case of "good things come to those who wait?" I hope it is. I have never met this guy, I don't even know him but for some reasons I am happy for him since reading his blog has been a part of my daily routine. Jeff said there may not be a reason anymore for him to keep his blog since the whole objective of it in the first place was his therapy and outlet since he wasn't able to tell it to her upfront. But I do hope he continues with his posts, probably just change the blog name. His latest post made me smile today.

* * * * *

My sister is going to kill me for writing about this but I think this is just too cute not to tell. When my sister was in first grade, she had a guy classmate who was moving to a different city at the end of the school year. During the usual "end of school year" party for their class, this guy exclaimed to his mom that he was going to come back and look for my sister. We thought that was too cute. As years went by it was a running joke in the family but we didn't think much about it. We didn't even know what happened to him or where he was. It was just nice to tease my sister about it. Fast forward 13 years later, my sister told me that she found him on Friendster. He is now living in Illinois. We don't know what he looks like now since he didn't post a photo of himself. I asked my sister if she is going to add him as friend, she didn't want to. I don't know why. I was really surprised that she even searched for him. I mentioned it in passing a few months back because I was teasing her but I though that was it until she told me that she has found him. I guess he made a very good impact on my sister that she still thinks of him from time to time. Granted that he was just a kid then and so was my sister but his declaration to look for her in the future made a lasting impression. Or maybe my sister was just curious that is why she looked him up.

How many people from our childhood years are we curious to know what has become of their lives? I have had the same tight group of friends since high school, some of them since grade school, some since kindergarten even. But what happened to my sister made me think of this friend I had in kindergarten until she moved away after 2nd grade I believe. Melinda Villegas is her name. Since her last name was close to mine and Cleo's, during times that we were arranged alphabetically, Melinda, Cleo and myself already know to go to the back of the room since we would all be in the last anyway. Melinda was not only a classmate, she was a neighbor. Last I heard was they moved to Manila but her father still lived there until his death. After that, I do not know anymore. I remember her to be funny but quiet too. When she and Cleo would have a little "tampuhan" they always put me in the middle which I wasn't too happy about. Cleo would tell me not to talk to Melinda and vice versa. I wanted no part in it so I would just not talk to either of them until they patch things up which usually doesn't take too long. I wonder how is she now? Is she married? With children? It has been 18 years.

* * * * *

They say "jokes are half-meant" so do I believe you then or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? Or I should just look at this as your attempt to be funny but means nothing?

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks back. It wasn't our usual banter which made it interesting and frankly piqued my attention. I will admit it made me smile like a loon even days after that conversation. I know that I shouldn't even take this seriously but it sure made me laugh in that time that I needed it the most. You have a way of doing that. Somehow, you seem to be there when I need some "picking me up" or when I am in need of someone who would allow me to ramble on. You are such an enigma, hard to read and yet hard to ignore. There were so many times that I wished to just erase you from my mind, from my life just like in that Jim Carrey-Kate Winslet movie but just as I am almost there, you seem to find a way and inch yourself back into my consciousness, which I welcome time and time again. It's an ongoing cycle with no clear sight of its end. Sometimes, I do wish to finally have some certainty and I wonder when that would be or if it would even be with you. Either I find that certainty or the blows to my head courtesy of my friends finally sinks in and make me face reality, whichever comes first.

Loss & Gain

After the death of Raul Roco, another person that I look up to has also passed on. Peter Jennings, the anchor of ABC News has died of lung cancer at the age of 67.

Papa was abreast with the current events. He made sure that he knew what was going on around the world, the world of showbusiness included. He passed that on to us, his children. Every day we have up to a maximum of 5 newspapers and he reads all of them from cover to cover and he encouraged us to do the same thing. He said, it will improve our vocabulary. He told us to read it aloud so it will improve our speech. More than that, he encouraged us to read about what was going on in the world, that there is a bigger world outside of the one we know. For every big event happening wherever in the world, he made sure that we are made aware of it. There were even stories that at the age of 5, I was already skimming through the pages of Time Magazine. This is why we probably know the names of news anchors or at least know them from somewhere since there was a great possibility that we have heard of those names time and time again.

Going back to Peter Jennings, I was really saddened by his passing. He was one of those reporters that I found joy watching. Aside from his good looks, he just had a way of delivering the news in a calm way, which anchors in the Philippines lack. It was never more evident during the chaotic time of 9/11. The last thing that people want is to see more panic in the news and you didn't see it with him. I was in awe because he was calm and collected save for some time that he broke down when he talked about his children. But fear abated a little bit when one listens to him. At least for that short amount of time we felt that things were going to be alright. As people remember him, I am learning more about this anchorman that I admire a lot. I knew that he was diagnosed with lung cancer in April of this year so his passing wasn't an unexpected one but nevertheless still shocking to hear. As I listen how lung cancer took him away, he was a heavy smoker, quit but the events of 9/11 made him pick up the habit again, made me think of my own father. You see Papa was a smoker. Was and I have never been more glad. Though, he wasn't much of a heavy smoker but the fact is he was still a smoker. I think this is the reason why I abhor smoking, I have never taken a single puff in my life and I have no plans of doing so. Almost 6 years ago, he quit smoking. He was doing good until stress got the better of him, he picked up the habit once again. Luckily, it didn't last very long since a few months after he started smoking again, he had a major throat infection which hindered him from talking at the start of the campaign. This made him kick the habit once again, cold turkey. This was 4 years ago and he hasn't picked up a single cigarette since. I know that probably smoking all these years have already done damage to his lungs but quitting improves his chances of his lungs clearing up.

My brother on the other hand is a different story. I don't know how he has come to pick the habit. Maybe peer pressure, maybe stress from school, maybe he wanted to have something in common with Papa. I do not know and I never press. But I do wish he quits while he is still young. Our other cousin has quit smoking and I am glad that he did as early as now. I have even bribed my brother that I will pay for his gym membership if he quits smoking and he joins a gym. He is kicking it slowly. I guess he isn't as strong as Papa to quit the habit cold-turkey. But until he quits totally, sorry no money for gym membership. He cannot fool me since Mama and my sisters are my guards. I also hope that seeing a friend of my dad's who is battling lung cancer now would be a wake-up call for him. In fact, this family friend has threatened my brother that if he (family friend) sees my brother light up a cigarette, he will slap him so hard. I hope it doesn't have to come to that. I just hope that seeing this family friend as he lay on his hospital bed after a surgery would be enough to wake up my brother.

I hope that with Peter Jennings' death, it will bring lung cancer to greater awareness. Lung cancer is the highest cause of death more than breast, prostate and colon cancer combined. It is also the most difficult to detect. Technology for its early detection is not available yet. Usually when it is detected, it means it is already in its advantage stage. Like in Peter Jennings case, he was diagnosed back in April and now four months later, it has claimed his life. I hope more people quit while they still can so they wont suffer the consequences later. We cannot and should not put the entire blame on tobacco companies because they will exist as long as there is still one smoker left in this world. People as long as they make a conscious decision to start smoking, tobacco companies will continue to produce cigarettes. No amount of taxation will make these companies disappear but the loss of smokers will. So to those who are smoking, quit now if you want to live long and healthy lives. Sadly, Peter Jennings life wasn't one of those that could be saved. The world of broadcasting has lost a great person in him. I don't think news broadcasting would ever be the same with his passing.

* * * * *

On a much happier note... I went to a concert of Bamboo last Friday and I have gained a better admiration for Filipino bands. I have always been a fan of Original Pilipino Music (OPM) but it is more evident now that I am away from home. If one looks at my CD collection, it is comprised mostly of Filipino artists with a few US artists here and there but very limited. I also buy original cds to support the Philippine Music Industry because they need it now more than ever. This is my first time seeing them perform live. Even when they were still with different bands, I have not seem them perform, so it was really exciting when I finally did. Being in a foreign country also makes one yearn for the familiar so every chance I get to watch a Filipino artist perform, I grab that opportunity. They sang songs from their two albums and some songs during Bamboo and Nathan's Rivermaya days. They started with Mr. Clay and ended with what else Noypi. They also did 2 songs as encore much to the delight of the crowd. It was a sold-out concert that people were turned away and there were even non-Filipinos there who enjoyed their music as well. I am really glad my camera arrived just in time. Bamboo

Can't think of a title

I was so sad to read in the news that Raul Roco has died of prostate cancer. He was one man that I thought would have made a big difference in the country's state had he been given the chance. I voted for him the moment I was eligible to vote whether it was for a Senate seat or for the Presidency. I never once felt that my vote for him would be a waste, as some people have told me when they learned that I was voting for him. I believe that Raul Roco was one of the few men and women who genuinely cared about what was going in the country and had a vision to make it better. But like everyone else who actually HAVE the genuine desire to alleviate the state of the Philippines, they are not given the chance, in favor of those people who are just milking the country's resources for their own personal gains. The Philippines has a lost a great man in Raul Roco.

* * * * *

I guess my previous post pretty much summed my "emo" moment which every woman can relate to when it is the "time of the month". I don't want to use it as an excuse each time I am feeling cranky, sad, angry or what-have-you, but sometimes I don't know how to explain it myself why I am feeling that way. This is why after writing the post, I probably had "writer's remorse". I felt bad that my dad may have been depicted as an "uncaring dad" when it is farther from the truth. I felt bad that it seemed like I am not in good terms with Papa, which again is farther from the truth. My sister, Camille asked me what Papa and I disagreed upon this time. I use disagree not argue since I never argue with him or with any of my family members. Argument for me is almost like fighting. I do not fight with my dad. We just have differences in opinions. I guess I have set aside these emotions for sometime and all I needed was something to trigger this outpouring of thoughts. I feel better that it is now out of my system. Let me just make one thing straight, Papa and Mama though they may not agree with everything that my siblings and I do, their unwavering support IS and WILL always be there.

* * * * *

Now on to not so heavy stuff.....

Blow Inserts

They finally have a name! Every magazine-reading individual has encountered these postcard size things stuck between the pages of the magazine that one is reading. I just recently found out that they are called "blow inserts". They are called such because these cards are literally blown into the magazines as they are either getting printed or bounded. This is why some pages have 2 or 3 stuck between them. But whatever they are called, to me these are just nuisance stuff. I know that magazines have to earn somehow through subscriptions and this is an inexpensive way of doing so but it can be annoying when they distract you from reading whatever it is that you are reading. That is why I spend some time, right after purchasing magazines to skim through them and take out all these "blow inserts" before I actually do some reading. My cousins are well aware of it as well that when they borrow my magazines before I have read them, they already take those out.

* * * * *

Good news

I got my digital camera back yesterday from the Sony Repair Center. It was fixed and with no charge at that so I am one happy camper today. It came just in time for the Bamboo concert tonight. This is my first time watching them in a concert. So I am really excited.

My camera also arrived in time for my Lola's 84th birthday 2 weeks from now. It is a surprise party therefore my relatives and I are all lying to her. My uncles from Las Vegas and Chicago are even coming over for her big day. She thinks that no one cares enough to plan a party for her that is why she is planning one for herself and everyone else is playing along with her. She is going to be in for a big surprise. She really deserves it. She gave birth to 15 children. Yes, my mom belongs to a brood of 15. Mama is the 8th child. Lola is not only the mother to her 15 children but also to 14 in-laws, 43 grandchildren, 12 grandchildren-in-law, and 24 great-grandchildren. Yup, we are already a party on our own.

Dilemma

Growing up, it never entered my consciousness that I would one day get a degree in Psychology. I didn't even know what psychology was about. As far as I know, my choices for possible career were: law, medical field, engineering or commerce. As a kid, this is all that I was exposed to. I wasn't particularly happy but then again, I wasn't really paying much attention to it either. Back in high school, going into culinary arts did enter my mind at the same time that going into journalism did. But my dad said that these were not exactly lucrative careers. I took what he said, I was just a kid, what did I know. I was a junior in high school when Papa was already started asking me questions about college: Where am I going to study? Where am I going to live? What course am I going to pick? I felt sad because it seemed like he was already trying to get rid of me. Get rid, in the sense that there was no argument in the fact that I would go to Manila for college.. away from the safe and secured environment of Tacloban that I was accustomed to. I knew it was going to be hard but I knew too well that it was an opportunity opened for me. Being the eldest, it was upon me to set a good example for my siblings. I was going to be the first one to swim in this vast ocean that is LIFE. I had to make good at it or else I did not only fail myself but I will fail them as well. That is one heavy load to carry on my shoulders but I took it.

Going back to Psychology..once it was established where I was going to apply, Papa chose my course options. I was not so sure yet what I wanted to be so I allowed him to. Behavioral Science & Business Management was my course when I entered DLSU. But after taking a General Psychology class and getting a really good grade, I knew that I needed to shift when I was already able to. Math isn't one of my strongest points so I decided to drop Business Management and shifted to Psychology and I never once regretted making that decision. It was the FIRST major decision I ever made in my life and for once my parents had nothing to do with it. I just told them after the fact. They couldn't say anything more, what else can they say. But I am sure they, particularly Papa wasn't so thrilled about it. In his mind, I will be around "puro lurong-lurong (crazy people). I couldn't blame him since he knew nothing about the possible careers in Psychology, so I passed on to him what I was learning. He heard them but I don't think he listened to them. I let it pass since I thought this is my career, I am the one going to school so I will deal with it. Four years later, I graduated with a degree in Psychology.

The thing is, I don't think up to now Papa has fully grasped the fact that I chose a path that he may not agree with or comfortable with. It broke my heart when he told my aunt that he was disappointed that I took up Psychology. He felt that it wouldn't bring me anywhere. I was already done with it, what more can I do. Looking back now, I think Psychology was presented to me for a reason. I have a better grasp of human behavior and thinking which paves the way for me to be more understanding and accepting of all the complexities that is human being. Sometimes, I get confused especially with dealing with Papa's attitude whether I am his child or a Psych grad who happens to be his child. I try to be really understanding of him, of where he is coming from but sometimes he makes it so difficult. Among my siblings, I can say that I can pretty much tell him what I think without crossing the line of being disrespectful. I have come to the age that he at least listens to what I have to say, or at least I think he does. But, it is still difficult. For one, we grew up during different times. Then there is the fact that Papa isn't necessarily the easiest person to live with. I have thought of so many times of telling him what we all (my siblings and Mama) think but I am scared to push his buttons. Don't get me wrong, Papa is probably the best dad there is but he needs some lessons in sensitivity sometimes. There are times that he makes us feel that only his feelings mattered and to hell with ours. He will say his piece because he feels being our father that is due him. I am already on the other side of the world and yet I am not totally free from it. I don't think I will ever be when I have Mama and my siblings even Papa making me aware of it. Plus, I really would want to know anyway since I am still a part of this family even when I am not physically there.

But sometimes, it is taking a toll on me. My siblings and I share the same sentiments and yet none of us wants to bring that to his attention. We all know too well that he is not going to take it lightly. My siblings have relegated to me, being the eldest to do it, but I don't know if I can. As a child, I want to but knowing all too well about personalities, I don't think it is in his personality to understand it the way that we mean it. He feels that my mom's siblings take advantage of my mom's kindness, this is usually the root of their disagreements. As a child, I know and understand where he is coming from. But as a Psych Grad, I want him to let it go and move on because it is hurting his relationship with Mama in these times that we are all out of the house and it's just the two of them. Plus these are past issues that needs to stay there. I know that he has Mama's welfare and well-being at heart but it can get really tiring when it is rehashed constantly. I understand that there is a precedence that is why Papa can't seem to let it go but it is not as if Mama isn't aware of. She just doesn't need to hear it often. I am not blind to this situation, none of us are, but to continue living with that over our heads isn't doing us much good. Maybe, Papa, being her husband feels that he has to stay his piece. I am fine with that but once in awhile should have been enough and not every chance he's got. Besides, what he is accusing Mama of, he is guilty of the same thing. Wasn't serving and doing something for the people of Leyte and yet not even being appreciated for it the same as Mama not being appreciated by her siblings? At least with Mama's siblings, she didn't spend all that money, only to be continually criticized and unappreciated.

As a child, I want to say that I get him, that I understand him, I may not agree but I accept his thoughts and feelings. But as a Psych grad, I feel that there are more underlying issues that may or may not have something to do with us, that he needs to deal with and not lash it out on us. As a child, I just want peace and harmony but as a Psych grad, I want him to deal with those issues so that they wont be a dark cloud hovering above us. The earlier he deals with them, the better. I want to be his child, to be an anchor and a shoulder to lean on the way that he is with us and yet I want to guide and help him and the rest of the family deal with whatever it is and accept it. Can I be a child and still be someone who can guide him and all of us out of this state? Can I be a child and empathize at the same time look at the situation objectively and find a way out of this situation when our sanity and our relationships still intact? Or I have to be one or the other? This is one topic that was not discussed in any of my classes.

Fraud

felt like the biggest fraud sitting there
couldn't bear to look at them straight
kept my head down most of the time
each words ringing in my ear
each prayer felt like a knot around me, tightening
at one point I couldn't breathe

the thing is I did no wrong
the people concerned seemed fine and at peace
as each words spoken
felt like shouting "hear that?"
I bit my tongue
but my heart wanted to burst out

not being judgmental
but how can you sit there and pray
when the very reason you are praying for
you can't seem to let go
how can you pray for healing
when you refuse to heal from within?

the problem isn't with the world
but you seem to think so
truth be told you are part of the problem
that doesn't seem to wane
yet, here you are praying
when you could be doing something

you seek for peace
when there is turmoil within
you seek for others to be enlightened
when you are the one who needs it
you seek for continued guidance
when you yourself is lost

last night was just the first night
how many more nights are there?
eight more days I think or maybe more
more days that I will keep my head down
or maybe I find myself out of the house
one thing is sure I don't think I can look straight up to those eyes.

how come you can?

With time to spare

Evi wondered what I do on days, though none existent at this point in time, that I find my schedule free of anything. I am actually yearning for days like those but so far it has been elusive. :sigh: Come to think of it what would I being doing on days like those....

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out?
- watch movies. Back in college, with nothing to do and with a free schedule, I would watch movies by myself at the theaters. I have not done that lately.
- if I don't go to the theater, I watch movies or tv shows at home. Lately, I have been into watching Asian films and Korean dramas.
- go online; read blogs, check my mails, chat with who among my family and friends are online, search just about anything that I can think of
- listen to music, my current favorite is Hale. I love the entire album but my most favorite is the song "Runaway"
- read. I pretty much have a new book every week. I finished "Can You Keep A Secret" by Sophie Kinsella in one night so it is important that I have a steady supply of books. I am waiting for all my Summit books to arrive. I read a lot of self-help/psychology books as well.
- write poems
- call my family and friends

What are the things you do to lower your stress or anxiety level?
- poetry writing has been effective to me. In the middle of thesis writing, I actually wrote a poem and felt energized and focused after that. I guess I am not stressed out lately since I haven't written in awhile. Either that or I am lacking in inspiration.
- ranting into my journal -- online and on paper. Once I have let it out, I feel so much better.
- retail therapy or most of the time window shopping
- oddly enough spending time with my cousins but we haven't been able to do that lately since we all have our own thing going on
- going for a facial & hair appointment. I usually schedule them all in one day. I have to have a whole day of pampering myself
- daydream or visualize
- I find my own little, quiet corner and meditate

FILMS YOU WATCH

What are the five films that you watched a lot and meant a lot to you?

I watched Bride & Prejudice a lot the past couple of days. I can't just pick 5 films because usually it's certain scenes or certain situations in these films that I liked or that has meaning to me. But Bride & Prejudice has a lot of elements that I can relate to.

I wonder what Diwata, Abster, Gail, Patrick, Jeff, Jove, Angeni & Mina do when they find themselves with time to spare.

In your eyes

I was tagged by Diwata and I find this very interesting. I was not the most open person growing up. So it is a big surprise and a revelation to me that I am sharing my life through blogging. I am sure people who blog feel the same way. Blogging is not only a way for me to throw to the world my thoughts, feelings and what have you, but it has allowed me to stay in touch with people, reconnect with some, meet new and interesting people and strangely may have found a relative (right Primo?) LOL This is indeed one small world we live in and we are more connected to each other than we know.

Since I have not met majority of those who read my blog, I am curious to know what my blog and what my posts say about me. This does not exclude those who know me so well (Camille & Christine). Or kind of know me ( Yam, Diane, Favel, Kat, Isy, Aya & Tet). I wonder what Jennie, Evi & Kaytee thinks as well.

Casting Call

I think it's inevitable that as we read each other's journals we create mental pictures of each other. Post this on your own journal to find out who your friends see when they read about your life.

The Rule:

The person must be in the movies or on TV (but doesn't have to be an actor/actress). The person can be specific to a role (e.g. Jennifer Aniston's Rachel Green) or just the person themself.

These castings can be based on things in the person's personality or on physical traits you know they have.

Don't peak at other peoples answers!

Bad news/Good news

@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()

I accidentally dropped my Sony Cybershot digital camera (what was I thinking? The wrist strap isn't there for nothing!). The lens is stuck and wont retract. I called the Customer Service Center and someone who sounded Filipina answered my call. She was very helpful. She tried to help me by suggesting that pressing the "reset" button might solve the problem. (Nope) So she gave me the necessary things that I need to write when I send the camera for repair. I am sending this camera first thing when I get to work. She told me that since the repair center is closed being that it happened at 12:50 AM so she wont be able to give me a work order which I would need before I can send the camera to Texas. She told me to call the Customer Service again or better yet get the work order through their website. I am still within the period stipulated in the Limited Warranty but they will let me know once the repair center gets my camera if the problem is within the warranty or not. If it is within, then it is free of charge but if not, she also told me that I might be charged, which I do not mind as long this camera gets fixed. It is still pretty new. I hope it is within the warranty. But who knows! Doesn't matter to me though, just want this fixed eventhough this is another dent in my bank account in these times that I am trying to stick to a budget. I hate it when my mind is set into not spending on miscellaneous things and this happens. Argh!