Calls of the Wind

http://soulssonnet.blogspot.com

Finally...

After a long time of hoping and wishing for an event-free weekend, I finally had one last weekend. It was the first weekend with no planned family activities. I do not mind family things but it can really get tiring after some time. After my cousin's 18th birthday and celebration of my late Lolo's birthday, I just hoped for a weekend wherein I can do whatever I feel like doing or not do anything at all.

Small world

I met up with new-found friends (Isy & Raye) on Saturday. Just a day of eating, talking about movies we have watched (usually Filipino and Korean ones), series that we are obssessed with, and life. I met them through a fan community online and they are such a nice group of people. They made me feel welcomed right away. If my long-time friends will be asked, I was not the type who was very open or who befriends just about anyone. I have had the same friends since grade school and high school. But, lately I have met quite a few and found myself having a lot of things in common with them. Through blogging, I also have reconnected with a few people who were probably mere acquiantances in the past or faces in the crowd. It makes me wonder sometimes why didn't this happen when we could have talked face to face. Then I realized, I was a different person then than I am now. Or we just didn't seize the opportunity then or there was no opportunity at all. It's great to be able to have that opportunity now and grabbing it for we wouldn't know what we might be missing in our lives. There are also the people who I have not been properly introduced but I can relate to them and them to me. People come to our lives for a reason. The people that we meet along our journey introduces us to a new world. It is now a small world and its getting smaller by a second. We are interconnected with one another more than we know. I am just happy that I have gone out of my "comfort zone" had I not, I do not think I will evolve more as a person.

The Power Of Now

I bought a book last Saturday titled "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. (I wish I can put the link but Blogger won't let me for some reasons) I will admit that reading about the author from People Magazine was what made me get the book. I think it is so profound that one was able to find enlightenment from a rather sad point in his life and he is sharing it with whoever is willing to listen. I have not finished the book. But so far it has been quite interesting. I have not made notes from the book but there was one poignant message that he is trying to convey: that we think too much that we become a slave of our mind. That got me thinking but haven't had the change to really absorb the entire book or the pages that I have read so far. I may need to find my quiet place first before I can truly enjoy the book. I will discuss the book more in the future once I have grasp it fully.

Lost

I was going through a collection of poems that I have written over the years. I already have a pretty big collection not including the ones I wrote in high school. Which reminds me, I have to ask my mom to look around our house for that blue folder that holds them. as I was reading these poems, this one poem I came across and it made me think of what I was going through when I wrote it. It even looks unfinished. Maybe the reason why it is unfinished is because I feel I still have a lot to do in this lifetime. Maybe I need to live more in order to finish it.

From time to time I still feel like I am headed to destination nowhere. There are days that I question where I am, what am I doing in this life. I left my family in the Philippines because I was searching. It may sound cliche' but I feel I need to find myself..my purpose in this life..my own place under the sun. I have not found it yet and I am still searching. I feel lost from time to time.

Have you ever felt
Like a bubble in the wind
Floating aimlessly
As the world changes beneath

Have you ever felt
Like an apple amidst the oranges
Not a whole lot different
Yet still out of place

Have you ever felt
Like a shell on a stranded beach
Watching the tides' highs and lows
Yet somehow stuck to the sand

Have you ever felt
Like a rainbow after the rain
An array of vibrant colors
Yet at times an arc half full

Have you ever felt
Like the sun during a solar eclipse
The rays to its maximum strength
Yet overshadowed by darkness

Have you ever felt
Like a song on the radio
Played endlessly
Is someone listening, no one knows.

Have you ever felt
Like a piece in a puzzle
Without your tiny self
The picture just doesn't seem to gel.

Maybe it is okay to feel lost once in awhile. It is in being lost that we are able to find ways to go back to the path that we have started on. I think it is okay to get sidetracked because we pick up pieces along the way that will help us in our journey. Maybe being lost is part of the journey. Being lost seems scary and daunting and yet maybe it is a good thing because we learn our way back.

This and that

My weekend was a slew of family activities once again. It has been for the past couple of weeks. Not that I am complaining but I hardly remember a weekend wherein I have nothing planned. So far, as soon as it became 2005, my weekends have been an endless schedule of activities. Maybe this coming weekend will be my opportunity to look back at the past weeks and ponder on them.

Socio-civic

I have not been one who was into joining religious organizations. Nothing against people who do but I just don't feel it is something for me. I was more into socio-civic organizations like my father. So, I welcomed with great anticipation that news I got last Saturday that the An Taclobanon Association of Southern California is planning to establish a charter group of the younger members of the organization. This idea has crossed my mind countless times before when I was not totally solved in the direction that the association was going to. At one point, I was even ready to organize my own but for some reasons I didn't do it. I had a lot of ideas but I dare not say them since I was not a member, my relatives are. I did not bother joining either. Why would I join if I do not echo it's sentiments. My aunts and uncles were the founding members but through the years their participation has waned for some reasons. My uncle and I did have a pact that we will be active once again if we believe in the projects that they are going to be initiating.

So I was really elated that there is a move to make the youth more involved after all they are or I mean we are the ones who will carry the legacy of the association as well as we can inject new ideas into the organization. Having a separate group means that the parent association will be more than willing to listen to suggestions from the younger set and see its fruition. I still have to attend a meeting but I am excited. Right now I have not made any attempt to contact the people from Tacloban that I know (who may be more than the current number of members at this point) pending more information that I need to make that announcement. I just hope and pray that this isn't a "start 'em, leave 'em" thing" or else I may really be inclined to start my own and rival them. LOL

"Young Love, Sweet Love"

That was a show popular back when I was in high school I believe. I feel as if I am watching it again but this time I don't need a TV, all I need is just to listen to my cousin's stories. She just turned 18, technically, per her mom's order or request, whichever angle you want to view it, she is not allowed to have a boyfriend YET. She can hang out with her guy friends as long as its a group thing. So anyway, I don't know if I am being a nice and supportive cousin. I shouldn't be encouraging her at all because if my aunt finds out my head will be on the chopping block. But I cannot discourage her either. I am the only one close to a sibling she has. So there I was listening to her stories. She has grown up to be a pretty, young lady so of course there a few guys interested in her. But like the song of the group Smokey Mountain, "Kung sinong mahal mo, siyang ayaw sa iyo!" It is somewhat her life. She likes this guy who seems to like her back but does not seem like he is making any effort to get to know her more. There is always dead silence and awkward moments. My cousin is always the making an effort to start the conversation. According to her, he does sometimes but apparently it isn't enough since I can sense the frustration in my cousin's voice. He is not giving her enough to work on. As if she is walking on eggshells all the time because she does not who what topics are okay and what are off-limits. Most of the time my cousin is putting in 3/4 while the remaining 1/4 is his contribution or sometimes less. That is frustrating and irritating and that is the feeling that I get from my cousin. But being the nice cousin that I am, I just listen but this guy is not at all getting my vote as each day passes. Too bad for him. LOL

I tried to at least play "devil's advocate" so that maybe she will realize that she should not close her doors into getting to know other guys who are making an effort to get to know her. She is a nice kid and worth knowing. If this guy that she likes does not realize that then someone else will, only if she gives them a chance. ::sigh:: kids of today nga naman!

Life in a Fish Bowl

I spent a good amount of time staring at the fish tank that my aunt has at their house. It is well made with live corals, 2 clownfish (reminiscent of Nemo) and 3 of those blue fish that are not Dori. Those who watched "Finding Nemo" knows what I am talking about. It was a surprise to me that I was so enthralled as I watched these fishes live in this place that is not exactly home but it is near to home that they can ever be. They clamored along with the other habitats of the tank for food. I even saw once when one of the clownfish and one of those blue fish were butting heads, fighting for food. I was particularly protective of the clownfish, I don't know why! Maybe it was all because of the movie or maybe because the clownfish was minding its own business and the blue one just attacked him. I cheer for the underdog.

As I was gazing at the marvel before me, it got me thinking.. so this is how it is to live life in a fish bowl. I wondered what the clownfish was feeling fully aware that I was watching its every move. Hurt? Scared? Puzzled? Wondering why? Happy? Sad? Oblivious? I think, maybe the reason why I was protective of the clownfish was because it reminded me of me. I didn't have to ask the clownfish what it felt like, I just had to look at myself to know what it felt like because I know that there have been times that I felt like I live in a fish bowl myself. People are gawking on who I am, what I do, where I am...pretty much like myself as I was looking at the clownfish.

Living in a small city with a family name that a lot of people know is much like living in a fish bowl. People are quick to judge on who they think I am. Quick to misinterpret my every actions when all I am doing is living my life. Sometimes, on alert to see when I will commit a mistake in order for them to talk about it. I have not been one to be so concerned about what other people think of me. I have been misjudged as "suplada" and "mataray" just because I am not quick to say hello to every person I cross my paths with. Why should I when I do not know them! I never let it bother me then and definitely not now. Funny thing is, as people get to know me now, they realize that I am not as half as bad as they thought I was. I am frank to some degree yes and that bothers some people. I have opinions and I do not hesitate to express them. I do not see anything wrong with that. I will be who I want to be. Besides, the only opinions that matter to me are those of my family and friends who need not gawk to know me. Those who see way beyond what their eyes allow them to see. They are the ones that matter to me and no one else.

But it cannot be denied that there are still people who find my life so fascinating no matter how mundane or boring I think it is. There are some who look at my life as a source of their entertainment. I can just imagine how uneventful their life may be to find mine so entertaining. But it has been part of my reality that I have learned to accept and live with. I cannot allow myself to be consumed by it because it does not seem like it is going to change any time soon. Why fight it when I can just live with it no matter how much I disagree or how much it makes me uncomfortable, just like the clownfish in that small tank of psuedo-saltwater.

Going back to the clownfish, I don't stare that much anymore. I just let the fish live its life the best way it can considering the limitations that has been presented to it. The fish seem to adjust to its new found way of life, I might as well with mine. Not much to do but adapt. In time, people will get tired and eventually stop gawking. Until then, live life to the fullest because we never know until when we will have it.

Don't Need To But Want To

First Born

I am the eldest of four (3 girls, 1 boy). I have been told that I take my birth order seriously. I agree to some degree I do. My friends have told me that I am the "perfect 'Ate' ". Whatever that means. I will admit, I was never one to give my parents a headache. In fact, I tried to hide whatever sadness or heartaches I may have felt because I figured my parents need not be bothered by it. They already have enough worries to think about I don't need to add to it. It wasn't anything big anyway, just trivial things especially during the teen years. I've never been one to rebel because nothing good is going to come out of it. There were times though that I felt like it especially when I get reprimanded for something they did and yet when I did something against my parents wishes, I get reprimanded alone. Being the eldest, I carried the burden of making sure that I lead by example. I made sure that I did well in school, I followed house rules and as much as possible give them as little a problem as possible. There were times that I wanted to give up but I couldn't... wouldn't. It was tough but I endured it all because not only I had to but I wanted to.

Some of my actions and decisions have not been favorable to some of my siblings, especially my sister who came after me. In birth order, the 2nd eldest does carry the burden as well of either shadowing the older sibling or competing and going the other way. I think my sister is doing latter. I feel sometimes that I am partly to blame why she is acting out. I feel that she resents me so much, although I don't know why or if she even should. When she would have her way, no way did I feel that I should be given the same privilege but it does not seem that way with me. I don't like competing with her. I have never been good with competing with other people which has been an issue with my dad before. I competed with myself because I want to be better than what I am during that particular time. For me competing with others means that I want to be better than others. I did not want that. I have always tried to be fair to her no matter how much she makes it difficult for me. Apparently it seems that no matter how much I try, it is not enough.

I have made some life decisions that in some ways were kind of unfair to me but I didn't wallow in it. When I was in college, I made a conscious decision not to be in a relationship because I felt that it was just going to be a distraction from my studies. In my mind I thought, 'there was no way I was going to fail or be sidetracked". I realized that I was going to be the first one to "swim in this vast ocean called life" and I felt that if I drown, my siblings will drown with me. It was a tough road but I persisted because I felt this was expected of me. My parents never forced me to make that decision, I made that decision myself and I don't resent it one bit. I am not going to penalize my siblings just because I made a decision then which may have changed the course of my life. I made the decision and I am taking responsibility for it. If along the way, it turned out to be a not so favorable decision then it is one lesson learned but I am not going to put the blame on my siblings.

Being the eldest, I feel that we are put in a position wherein we want to be dutiful children to our parents at the same time allowing our siblings to be their own persons. But the conflict lies when what the siblings perceive as "coming of their own" is hurtful and disrespectful to our parents. Where then do I put myself? I did not want to tattle on my siblings and yet I did not want to lie to my parents either. I was caught between a rock and a wall. I don't think the younger siblings know and realize how much of a burden we carry with being an eldest. I do not resent being one but there were times that I wished I wasn't one.

I hope my siblings would cut me some slack on why I am the way I am. I do not expect them to build a statue in my honor or shower me with accolades. All I want is a little consideration, respect and maybe empathy. I did not ask to be born first, but I am dealing with it the best that I can. I am taking on my role the best that I can based on what I know. There is no handbook out there to guide me and I am learning as I go along. If I made mistakes call my attention but do not turn cold on me and treat me like I am the biggest villain in their lives. I wish that they can have a day in my shoes and see how it feels like. Then they can tell me if I have the best of everything.

A good laugh

It has been my daily routine when I get to work to go online and read the Philippine newspapers. Three news dailies in the Philippines have a space in My Favorites - Philippine Star, Philippine Daily Inquirer and Malaya. I used to also read The Manila Times but since Mark Macapagal stopped writing his column, I have stopped reading that newspaper all together. Anyway, the headline in Philippine Star made me laugh. It said: Congressmen: Abolish Senate Senators: Abolish House! Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago made an even better suggestion - abolish both all together!

It seems that Congressmen/women were a bit disgruntled with the Senate approval of the 2005 national budget without going through a bicameral conference committee. Actually, in my opinion it was just a glorified term for the congressmen not happy that their pork barrel will remain the same. When GMA announced that the country was in fiscal crisis, some Senators were quick to give up part of their "pork barrel" but the congressmen were not so quick.

It's so laughable that the congressmen are acting like spoiled kids who were not given the correct amount of allowance supposedly due them. I actually have no problem with them having their pork barrels but I just wish that it is being used to those who need it the most...their constituents. These congressmen or maybe politicians in general should take into consideration the state of the country and see if an increase or the same amount of pork barrel is even feasible. I mean the entire country is languishing in poverty and the people are trying to make the most of their situation and here are our congressmen who should be looking out for us are complaining that they will not be getting enough. They already take up a big chunk of the national budget when most of them are just sleeping, what more do they want. I really do not know how we can expect our country to progress when the very same people who should be helping are the same ones making our country sink even more. Go Figure!

Post Valentines Rant

Been In Love?

Have I been in love? I have been asked this question countless times and most often than not I have no definitive answer to give. At first it was because I was avoiding the follow-up question of "who is it?" The other times, I just chose not to say anything because I don't know myself if I have been in love.

What is being in love mean? What are the signs and symptoms of being in love? Sure, I have been told before that I am but when I ask if how they can tell, answers have never been more vague. Looking back, I think and feel that I have been in love. Maybe during those times I didn't say anything because of the dreaded follow up question or just plain and simple it is not something that I have to announce to the entire world. Its something that I would rather keep to myself I guess.

The guy is someone I have known for a long time. At times, maybe too long, but I didn't look at it as a problem. I don't think we were even in an exclusive relationship. I guess it was one of those "mutual understanding" kinds, juvenile as it may sound. Still, he served as an inspiration when I needed one. At times, he was a convenient excuse to drive away suitors who I didn't want to give a time of day to, always worked like a charm. However, maybe it wasn't much of a good thing too because it some cases, it may have driven away prospective suitors who may have what it takes to grab my attention. I guess during those times, my whole consciousness was filled by the thoughts of one guy in particular so I didn't bother with the other when I should have. Now I wonder if he was even worth it all these times.

Don't get me wrong he is a nice guy. We still talk once in awhile. From time to time, I get an email or a text or if I am lucky a phone call. But it has never been consistent. He lives in the opposite end to where I am so in some ways, it is a long distance thing. He does have plans of moving to California in the near future but I am not sure if I fit anywhere in those plans. He does ask how far I am from I guess places that he is considering. One of them is really close but I do not know how convinced he is to move to that place. That is if it means anything. I do not know. Actually at this point, I couldn't care anymore but it sure would be nice if it turns out for the best for us but I am not holding my breath.

Intertwined Lives

How is it possible that you have your own life and so do I and yet our lives are still intertwined? We have been in this game for so long when is this going to end? I know in my heart that waiting for nothing is insane. But I am not waiting for nothing but then again I may be waiting for something as well. I guess I had resigned to the fact that our paths may cross frequently yet will not meet at one point at the same time. I have no illusions or delusions of having a romantic relationship with you. Our friends may not understand or believe it but I do feel that way. How long I am going to feel like this? I have no idea. All I know right now is that I have confined myself into being your friend. I just hope you have as well. Our friends have trouble believing whatever I say. I think they are looking for concrete proof that I have indeed moved on with my life. The only concrete proof that they can think of is for me to be with someone. I think that is a rather dumb move to make. I have no plans of being with somebody just to prove that I am over you…that I have better things to do. That is not fair to the other person and it is not fair for me either. Who knows in time I will meet that person and you will be resigned to a place of oblivion. Though I doubt that! You have been an integral part of my life I don’t think being involved with other people is going to change that. Well at least I can hope it won’t. But who knows what the future will bring. I think a pretty secure individual would be needed to be able to fully understand, grasp and accept the whole situation that we may have separate paths but we will still find a way to cross each other at some points in our lives.

A "Dear John" letter - my version

I miss writing! I write when I am happy. When I am sad. When I am inspired. Not being able to write or not having the will do so makes me feel like I am devoid of feelings that a normal human being should feel. Believe me it isn't the best feeling in the world. I used to be able to finish a poem in less than 10 minutes and now I cannot even think of anything to write. What is up with me? So, I decided to go through my collection of poems and I found this poem that I wrote some 4 years ago when I was pretty much going through the same feelings that I am feeling right now.... confusion. I consider this the best poem that I have ever written. Maybe because it is raw. I didnt hold back emotions. I poured out all those pent up emotions that have been bottled up inside. It was liberating! It was freeing. I just wish that I felt free after writing that poem. I was but only for some time because without me knowing it, the supposed recipient of that poem is kind of making his presence felt once again. Unless he is indeed entering again or I am just hallucinating or wishful thinking that he is. I do not know! Maybe it was the effect of the past Valentine's Day that is why I am feeling like this. Who knows. Anyway, this is my version of what was supposed to be a "Dear John" letter, when I was supposedly letting go.

So many I need to say
before I go on my way
too much emotion, effort and time
most of all, putting my sanity on the line.

Words left unsaid,
matters left undone,
just leave things hanging,
than to be forever waiting.

Shouldn’t have trusted,
shouldn’t have believed
no one else to blame but myself
getting involved in this whole charade.

Too scared?
or totally unprepared?
whatever it is...
the truth, I only seek.

But truth proved too elusive,
too out of grasp,
shielded so much by facade,
buried underneath all that crap.

Day by day, I grow number
amazed how I even bother
urging myself to stay
until it becomes difficult to get away

Couldn’t shed a tear,
yet, couldn’t stop to care
staring at a blank wall,
no one there to catch my fall.

Trust you, I did
was met however by a cold wind
left behind to pick up the pieces
remnants of broken promises.

I need to rise above
before I cannot anymore love
or care or even feel
for I sure deserve something real.

Move on I must do
face the music without you
hard as it may, but I need
turn the other way and leave.

Through all things here and gone,
after all that’s been said and done,
still one thing left to say,
Goodbye and maybe we’ll see again someday.

Thoughts & Rants

I LOVE MY PARENTS!

On the eve of Valentine's Day, I got a text message from my father and it said:

It's a beautiful day today made more beautiful with the thought of having wonderful children we cherish and love so much. Happy Valentine's - - Papa & Mama

That truly warmed my heart! My parents usually do not send text messages like these. But I truly appreciated it. So much that I sent my siblings a text message that who needs a date when you have your parents around who cares for you unconditionally. I told them not to be depressed if they do not have dates because by the next day, February 14 is just another day. My brother said I am being bitter which I am not! That I also need someone aside from my family. Fine. My sister said that everyday should be Valentines Day. Obviously, she is in a new relationsip right now and she is still walking on cloud 9. Let her be. On some level, she is right because I think Valentine's day is just a reason that people use in order to be extra sweet and extra attentive to their significant other and then the next day they switch back to their old self, whatever that is. It is just an excuse for candy shops, flower shops and restaurants to hike up their prices since the demand is so high. What if for one Valentine's day, people just treat it as an ordinary day, wonder what will happen. I am still glad though that I got a greeting from my parents. I love my Papa & Mama. That text message will have a permanent space in my inbox.
****************************************
ANO KA BA???

I really want to ask him that!

In one of those rare instances that we find ourselves online at the same time, he IMs me to say hello yesterday! We talked about random stuff, him telling me that he saw the pictures from the wedding that I was in 2 weeks ago. But no greeting! Not that I was expecting any but is he that dense that even as a friend he could not greet me. Crazy that I am even bothered by it. Sure, he forgot the greeting but he all of a sudden he asked me how far is this place Atascadero from me. Okay, when did I become a point of reference for distance? I do not even know where Atascadero is. First, it was Huntington Beach now its Atascadero. I know that he is planning to move to a warmer place (he lives in the East Coast). Moving to California is one of his options that he is seriously considering after all according to him, I am here, my 2 friends who happen to be his cousins are here plus he has friends who are here as well. So, given that, why ask me how far I am to these places. Why couldn't he asked the distance of where our 2 friends live to those places. Obviously, I am reading too much into this. Arrgghhhh! Ano ka ba? Ang labo mo!

****************************************
ISA PANG MALABO!

For the very first time, my brother is in his longest relationship so far. In my opinion, too long that they are confusing "being happy" with "being comfortable". According to my youngest sister, he and his gf have broken up more times that the years that they are together. My brother told me the last time that I thought they were breaking up for good was that people could already notice that he was not happy anymore. He was so confused about his situation that he had to go home to our province immediately to escape. I counseled him, telling him to break it off when they can still be friends after. But according to him, she has so many things going on in her life, he does not want to add to it. That he will bear the brunt of it, which prompted me to tell him "How can you be an anchor to someone, when you yourself is drowning!" He was not able to comprehend it at first but eventually he got what I was trying to say. Thinking that I had driven a point, so it caught me by surprise to know that they got back together. My brother's reasoning now is that she does not need any additional emotional baggage! That she has law school to worry about as if my brother does not face the same thing. My brother has law school to deal with as well! Whatever! She does not need additional emotional baggage but she will let my brother carry the load. What a load of crap! On top of that, I am told that she was once again thinking of breaking up with my brother last Valentine's day. Which by the way records have shown that the pressure of Valentines day have prompted people to break up with their significant others on that day. She refuses to accept if it is my brother initiating the break-up but she threatens him with the same thing when she does not get what she wants. What a brat! To think I thought she was the nice one after a string of girlfriends!
****************************************
Nakakasuka!

I consider myself a modern, independent woman. I have a pretty liberal view on human relationships. Whatever makes them happy. But it bothers me a lot when I see Lance @rm$trong and $heryl Crow cavorting on tv. They were on Oprah last February 11. I am not sure what the whole show was about - if it was about Lance's amazing comeback to win 6 consecutive Tour de France after battling Testicular Cancer or was it about their relationship which pretty much ate most of the airtime. I mean, I think Lance Armstrong is such a remarkable person to be able to survive and win his battle. I also think that Sheryl Crow is such a talent but like one showbiz show has stated that it seems she has now become known as Lance Armstrong's girlffriend. That isjust the same as saying that all her sacrifices to get where she is now were pointless and down the drain. On top of that, I think it is insulting to his ex-wife and the mother of his 3 children when each time she goes to the supermarket she sees pictures of her ex-husband with his new girlfriend posted in all the tabloids being all lovey-dovey. I am not privy to the circumstances around the break-up of their marriage, that is their business but I guess I was hoping that they (Lance & Sheryl) could be more discrete and respectful. She was the one who was there when he was starting to bike again. Oprah, much as I admire her, she had the audacity to say that contrary to reports, his former wife was not the one with him when he was first diagnosed but it was his mother. I do not see the point of that clarification. The wife may not have been there when he was first diagnosed but she was there when he was recovering and training again for a chance at winning another Tour de France and to four more. Sheryl Crow did not step in until the 6th. Simply put, his wife was there during the trying times but it is Sheryl Crow who is benefiting from it. And can someone please tell me what Lance Armstrong was doing being a presenter at the Grammy's with his girlfriend. Come as a date, yeah but why present an award. And what was up with her comment on stage that her gown was made from his jerseys. Hay the complexities of human relationships nga naman talaga!
****************************************
"Kung sinong mahal mo siyang ayaw sa iyo!"

That was a line from a song by Smokey Mountain. I do not remember the title of the song or the rest of lyrics but for some reasons that line keeps resonating in my brain. It is so true indeed. Why is it that the person we like do not like us back? Why is it that those who like us, we do not like them? If you find yourself in a relationship when it was instaneously a mutual liking, good for you. My cousin is guilty of this right now. She likes this guy who really does not make a conscious effort to get to know her or at least meet her halfway. She is going crazy thinking so much into it and her friends are not a big help since she is constantly asked if she likes him back because supposedly they see "sparks" in his eyes. Me, being my cynical self made a comment "baka naman its not sparks for her but he sees stars kasi naumpog pala!" I told her that sure its a nice feeling but not to let herself be consumed by it especially if there is no proof or any inkling that he sees her other than being a gentleman and a friend. It is not her friends who will be hurt if it does not turn out the way she wants it to. It will be her! And I will be at the receiving end of her tears! Geez, he could not even return a text message discussing their plans for the dance. Or supposedly they planned to hang out one weekend only to end up that my cousin and her friend were the ones invited into his planned day out with his friends. The last thing I want is for my cousin to have a broken heart! She can think of him, hope she is right but not close herself into getting to know other people. There are other guys who like her but she might be so focused on this one guy that she might pass on the chance to find her happiness which might be found in another. It is pretty hypocritical of me since I do not follow the same advice for myself but maybe because I have been there that is why I can speak from experience.
****************************************
"To assume is to risk a broken heart!"

Has been my mantra all these years.

"To not risk is to pass up a chance on love!"

My sister, Camille's comeback to my line.

Both are valid! Both have merits! Which one do we follow? ::sigh::

Single Blessedness

I am not the only one among my group of friends who is single but I am the only who has not had a boyfriend EVER! Does that make me feel like an outsider? Sometimes, but at times it also makes me feel great because I don’t have to deal with all the dramas that goes with being in a relationship. Sure it would be nice to have someone who will care for me, put my well being above his but then again finding that person is a task in itself. I have never really put myself out there I guess. I am pretty much cautious when it comes to affairs of the heart. Maybe I expect too much from the other person but that’s just how I grew up that I will never settle for second best and I must feel that that the relationship is beneficial to me as well as to the other person. I don’t see the point of dwelling in such an unhappy situation. I guess instead of finding myself in such an unhappy situation I have chosen to avoid it so as to prevent myself from being in that situation.

Another major thing I guess why I have pretty much shined away from most relationships is that I have this fear of changing. I have this fear of becoming the kind of person that I abhor. Based on experience, it seems that most of the women that I have encountered in my life changed once they are with someone. Some of them for the better, some of them not! I have no problem if being with another person will make me a better person, but I do have a problem if being with another person will turn me into this “monster” that I have seen my sisters become and I have hated with all my heart. I was one of those people that called their attention when they were acting like brats while in these relationships; I guess I just didn’t want the same thing thrown at my face. Although, my friends say that it is not in my personality but you never know. Even the smartest people can be dumb when it comes to matters of the heart.

More than anything, I think I haven’t met that person who will appreciate and treasure my independence. Not a lot of Filipino males have this in them. I guess because they are quite used to the notion that women needs to be taken cared of. It seems that it’s a blow to their masculinity when they encounter a woman who doesn’t depend too much on them and isn’t demanding so much of their attention. Some say that if I will limit myself to just Filipinos, sometimes I limit it to people from the same province, I am limiting my choices. But then again I don’t see myself being with anyone other than a Filipino and I guess I don’t want to adjust much. At this point in my life, I just don’t see myself adjusting to anything but who knows when I meet that person that will make me change my mind and give me a good of a reason enough to throw my preconceived notions away. Until then, I am sticking to what I believe is right for me.

It’s a weird concept to fathom that at 27 I haven’t had a boyfriend, ever. Sure I have met a couple of guys but so far no one has made me feel that he is worth anything. No one has really stuck long enough to see beyond what they see. They say I can be intimidating but then again I am just being myself. I have no plans of changing when I am with someone and I have no plans of changing in order to be with someone. I say “take it or leave it”. What can I do if I have opinions and I have no qualms of voicing them? What can I do if I am a voracious reader and that I may know more than any guy does? What can I do if I have strong convictions? What can I do it I am not the typical Filipina? What can I do if I expect more from guys than maybe the usual women that they have encountered? What can I do if I expect respect from the other person since that is the fact that I have grown up to? My dad respects my mom, treats her like an equal, treats her like an individual, he makes her feel that she matters and what she says matters. That is all I ask that a guy treats me in the same way or maybe more. Maybe one will argue that I am being a feminist. I am not a feminist because in my opinion being one entails you to desire to be better than men. I have no such desires or illusions that women are better than men. I guess the point that I am trying to address is that I just hope that women being treated the same way as the men. It is more of being an “equalist” rather than being a feminist.

Relationships should be 50-50 and not 60-40 or sometimes 80-20. It should be a coming together of two hearts and minds and not one mind or heart controlling the other. It shouldn’t be about two halves trying to become one but two wholes wanting to be one. It may seem that I have idealistic views about relationship well I have to think this way after all I view relationships as for keeps which is what it is supposed to be. If I am in my teens maybe I will not think this way but I am in my late twenties much as I don’t want it to happen. It is not anymore a play or a game that two people can play but more of something that will stand through the ups and downs, through the good and the bad of life.

Some may say that I have unrealistic expectations about relationship, maybe I do. I just thought that it’s good to set some expectations. I used to have a list but now I realized the list is really irrelevant. I guess it was just my way to set some ground rules for myself but a guy doesn’t necessarily need to fit into that specific list. I realized that the person that I will decide to love will eventually find himself fitting into that list without trying to. Instead of fitting the list to the person, the person will somehow find himself fitting into that list.
I believe that it is very important that two people complement each other. When one is “go, go” kind of person, one should be the calm one and vice versa. I used to think that for a relationship to work, two people must be similar. However now I think differently, if both are too much of the same type I think there will come a point that it becomes too much. I think it is essential to find some balance in the relationship. It is also important that both people involved should bring out the best in each other and not the worst. Mutual respect and acceptance of the other is also the key. It is also important that the role, views and opinions of one another is validated by the other person. It is also important that before jumping into a relationship both parties are also already secure enough in their own skins to allow another human being in. I believe that insecurity is the root of all problems. If a person has internal issues and he or she hasn’t been able to face it, some actually expect the other person to fulfill it is just asking themselves to head into unchartered territory. We should not expect the other person to fulfill the void that we feel because no matter what they do it wouldn’t be able to measure up as long as we are not even fully aware of what we heading into. The other person’s happiness should be essential to the other and that can only be done if one is already aware of what makes him or her happy and is actually happy by himself or herself.

PMS

I absolutely hate this time of the month when my hormones are going haywire! ARRRGGHHH!!! I know that PMS is an overused excuse to explain women's erratic behavior but try living a day in our shoes when its that time of the month. The irritating thing is, PMS varies sometimes each month and as I age. What used to be just pimples, abdominal pains, back pains and bad mood has now escalated to gastritis and worse migraines. Oh but the bad mood is still there and also add the mood swings. However, somehow, sometimes I think that the bad mood is not due to the hormones but it is related to the fact that we are not feeling so well that we tend to act cranky to mask the pain and the discomfort brought about by the sudden changes in our physical make-up.

Right now I have a massive headache that wont go away. Its like someone is pounding in my head. It makes me think of this drama I saw last night which pretty much sums up what I am feeling today although the meaning is totally different. The female character said that her head hurts like as if someone was building a house in her head. Like someone was pounding. It seem that that someone is going to stay for awhile in her head. Of course she was trying to be poetic about it when she actually meant was someone was occupying her mind, someone she cant stop thinking about. In my case, I hope whoever is making a house inside my head will run out of money and just leave! Or better I will just evict that person. Anything just for this headache to go away! Its annoying!!

Marriage

I just saw a clip of the new movie "Shall we dance?". Susan Sarandon's character asked why do people marry? Her companion answered it with the usual answers....Because of love, they want to spend the rest of their life with that someone etc..etc... Susan Sarandon said that "People get married to have a witness!" Her whole dialogue was longer that than but that line caught my attention. She continues to say that we want to let our significant other know that his or her life will not go unnoticed because the other will notice...Life will not go unwitnessed because the other will witness this.

I have no experience in such! As in zero, zip, a big fat 0! I have been a bridesmaid in a lot of weddings and I will be a one again in 2 weddings next year...A family friend is getting married January and a very dear, best friend is getting around April or May! (when nga ba?). On top of that I may attend another wedding come September for one of my cousins. Do I see myself getting married? Yes, actually! Is it going to happen for me? Only time will tell. I first have to have a boyfriend first before I start picking out a motif, the design of my dress, to what kind of a wedding I want to have down to the silverware and place settings!

Going back to that line! I found myself nodding in agreement. Although she did make it clear that marriage is not the only way to have a witness but we should all be witnesses to everyone's existence. It is not the same as living for other people! I guess what it is trying to say is that we, as human beings may admit it or not but we feel good when our very existence is validated by people that are close to us. We need some assurance that we are doing a great job living and breathing! We need some pat on the back that we are going in the right path and our life has some purpose. We need someone to share our sorrows and joys with!

Some people may overly romanticize marriage. But it is a known fact that it is not at all a bed of roses. To be sarcastic about it, it may be a bed of roses but the thorns have not been taken out! It is not all happiness and good times. It faces challenges, trials and obstacles. The thing is with marriage at least a person wont be going through it alone. It is a combined effort to weather through life with its ups and downs, highs and lows, through thick or thin! Those vows are not there for romance purposes but marriage does entail all that and if one is not amenable to any of it then maybe one has to think twice about getting married.

My parents have been married for 29 years now going 30! I know for a fact that it was not all good times. There have been bad times too and I guess either may have come to a point of giving up but they never did. I don't think it was a case of being together because of the children. I see the genuine love, care and affection that my parents have for each other. I think the best thing is my father sees my mother as an individual and not as an appendage. He sees her as Oyette, her own person, other than being his wife and the mother of his children. Mama sees Papa in the same way as well. Papa and Mama draw strength from each other. They find comfort in each other especially now that most of us children are out of the house. I know that my parents would wake up early, stay in bed and talk endlessly. Papa has to bring Mama to his business trips because he finds comfort in that. Plus, that he cant sleep alone. They have a mutual respect for each other's individuality, something that I count myself as lucky to having been able to witness that! Without knowing I have just totally related my parents marriage to Susan Sarandon's line. My parents marriage is not perfect nor is it ideal but it is something that I wish couples that I know would be blessed with including myself and my siblings when the time comes!

I Realized

Just my ramblings! This is what being stressed out does to me. Writing my thoughts is my release, my break from the monotony that plague my life!

- That I have a great sense of self-pride that I haven't seen myself depressed over something in my life that didn't go as I have hoped it would. I have never been one who puts herself down when things didn't go as planned. I take things in stride that things happen for a reason. I may not know the reason at that certain time but at some point in my life, it will all become clear to me and put things into perspective.

- That I have a very active imagination which helps a great deal in dealing with so many things good and bad that happen in my life.

- That my life is not perfect no matter how much I would want it to be. All I can do is to make it the best for me. Perfection, in my opinion, is just an illusion that people try to reach and chase and sometimes in the process they forget about the things that they encounter that turns out to be the most important things in life and the ones that they needed the most. They were just too busy running after things that are far from their reach.

- Wisdom definitely comes with age. As another year is added to my age, things become clear to me and I have a different perspective and outlook about life and I am a lot more mellow and tolerant of the things in my life that I have no control over.

- That I can only change the one I can and it's pointless striving to change the things that will never change no matter how much I try to do so. I just take things as they come and not seek for more than what is given to me.

- That a good fashion sense is not wearing the latest styles or the most expensive brands but its being comfortable in my own skin. I choose the ones that I feel comfortable wearing and carrying. I carry the clothes and not the other way around because if people let that happen, instead of being a fashion do, they become a fashion don't.

- That being thankful of the things that I have makes me see life differently.

- That I have so much when I focus on the things that I have and not on the things that I don't. It is the whole case of the "half-full, half-empty glass" theory, which I thought was crazy before.

- That I shouldn't fit a "list" to someone because that is the same as hoping for the impossible. Eventually that someone who I will care a lot for will find himself fitting to my "list" without me or him knowing it.

- That I don't want men to respect me because I am a woman. I want them to respect me because I am a fellow human being, my own person just like they are.

- That it was a good thing that I didn't have an escort when I had my debut, imagine having to see a picture of a person that I may not want to see in 5, 10 or more years from now.

- That it is indeed true that we would pattern ourselves from the people before us like our parents.

- That children reflect the kind of parents they have in the same way that parents reflect the kind of children that they have.

- That being a good parent is not only measured by how well you raised your children but how well they have grown up to be.

- The world is already crazy and full of negativity in itself, it is time to overlook the "bad" in people and magnify the "good" and this will be a better world to live in.

- That there is a big difference in "being confident" and "being cocky". Confidence includes knowledge and substance while cockiness is just plain talk and no substance at all and usually just a way to compensate for something lacking in one's life.

- That I don't want to change for anyone especially not for a guy, not in order to squire myself one or even to keep one.

A Sad Dose of Reality

OUCH!!!

That was my initial reaction when I watched The Oprah show today! They were discussing this new book on relationships called "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!" which was written by two people who used to write for the series "Sex in the City". I am definitely getting that book. Its on the top of my list of books to check out this weekend.

Basically what was discussed in the show? Well, Greg Behrendt, one of the authors. Yup, the book is co-authored by a guy which makes it an even bitter pill to swallow says that if a guy makes excuses of not being with you, it only means one thing..."He's just not that into you!". A couple of guys on the show actually collaborated this when they explained that they come up with excuses like..."I lost my phone!", "I am busy with work!", "I am not ready to be in a relationship!", "I think we should just be friends!" and others all mean one thing... That these guys are just not feeling what we women expect them to feel. Guys refuse to tell us the truth and would rather sugar-coat reality because they do not want to hurt the women's feelings. Considerate? Yes! Nice of him? Sure! But they are just feeding us lie after lie and here we are women we tend to make excuses for these guys and rational the whole behavior when it only means one thing...They are not into us the way that we want them to.

It was like a dagger and a sad dose of reality because I find myself in some of these women's stories. I found myself empathizing because God knows I have been in that situation or I might still be in that situation. There are the no communication for long periods of time and all of a sudden he makes his presence felt and its not even in the most personal way. I think the sad thing was and it was never emphasized enough in that show was we allow men to do these to us. As I was watching the show, I could only mutter expletives to myself because of the truth that it has let me see. It has opened my eyes to the sad reality that all these time I was just fooling myself. Damn!!! Its a tad too hard to fathom but its the truth, that from now on I have vowed not to do anymore. Screw it! Isn't it ironic though that my thoughts earlier were all about the possibilities and then BAM! I watch the show and it totally changed my perspective about the whole thing. I am not going to think about it anymore! I am not going to continue making excuses! I am going to stop coming up with explanations for his behavior! I am going to stop rationalizing the situation until my head hurts. My friends will probably tell me when they read this blog is..."We have been telling you that!" But crazy me, I didn't listen. I didn't heed their advice. I guess because I felt that as friends they will still love and care for me regardless of my decision but here hearing it from a total stranger just makes the situation so much different.

Okay....Got to get that book and start reading it!! I may even buy some more and give them to friends. Guys probably are thinking that their covers have been blown! Oh well...That's life!

Middle Child

There is no better definition of a middle child than my mom. She is the 8th child in the family of 15. Basically that means that there are 7 before her and 7 after her. I don't know much how my mom's childhood was like! I only have snippets of it! I guess it was a rather happy one but I am guessing that there are not so happy ones as well considering having to deal with all these personalities. My siblings and I always tease Mama that she is so "deadma", so NR (no reaction). Actually, I think its just her being level-headed and neutral about it being in the middle! When my siblings and I would have any disagreements, she will not vocally take sides. If there is any side she will take, its the right side. She listens to both sides of the story, or may be at times she tries to be. There are times that her judgment may be clouded by her parental concerns which is understandable but it doesn't take away the fact that she is not one who makes quick conclusions without knowing the facts.

With the turmoil going with her own siblings, I constantly find her in the middle of it all. Some may have attempted to bring her to their side but Mama will never do that. She has not done that before, I don't think she has plans of starting now. She listens to both sides of the story and draws her own conclusion from there. She will share her opinions and views but she is not to impose what needs to be done. She is not only fair but diplomatic as well. That is one trait among others of hers that I truly appreciate and regard highly. She stands in her ground. She will only do what is right and what is fair. People may see it differently but she has not been one to care. In some sense, maybe its her way to keep herself out of a situation that doesn't involve her in the first place. I think it is also a way that she has kept her sanity all these times. As her other siblings worry away about so many things that may or may not even affect them, she only deals with the one that will have a direct impact on her life. She has been taken advantage of a couple of times because of these but she never relented to change who she is in order to get her way. In essence, Mama was never a brat! I don't think she was one when she was a child, not even now with Papa, not even with is when she has all the reasons to be after all the great lengths she has done to make my our lives manageable.

There are so many things commendable and worth mentioning about Mama but as usual, my brain is working on a rapid speed that my hands are lagging behind. I will save some of those for later when my brain and dexterity will be in synch. I will leave one thing though which I think I have told Mama before that I will be happy if I can be half the woman she is!

Being set up on a date

I don’t like being set up on a date. I don’t know why. I haven’t even given it a try but I already don’t like it. I guess because there are just too many expectations and pressures for me to handle. Not only do I have to think about my date’s feelings but also that of who set it up. There are far too many people involved when the only ones who matters are the ones on the date. But in this situation, that is not the case because even before the date could even start, there are already the “good shots” as what I would call it. The spreading of the “good” points of the person before the ones involved can make that decision themselves. I prefer that if I do go on a date that my date and I start off on a clean slate. No preconceived notions about each other, no prior judgment and thus no prior expectations that may not be met leading to so much aggravation and frustration. Not only that, there is also the obligatory “after the date” story telling and in an effort not to sound like an ingrate, people tend to say what he or she thinks the other person would want to hear even though it is farther than the truth. And you hope it ends there but no, there is the question of whether I would want to see the person again. In some cases, I may not be back yet from that date and the second one is already being planned. And before you know it, by the end of the 2nd date, the engagement, wedding and everything else after that is being discussed.

I think it all boils down to control. I don’t like giving up control of my life. It is the only one I have somehow of a control over and relinquishing that control over to some people is just not my thing. I know that they have my best interests in mind but sometimes I think that there’s an ulterior motive because they can gloat as to being the responsible one when two people do get together and are happy. They will be saddened if things didn’t work out. Then again, he or she will also get the brunt when 2 people do come together and discovered later that they were just wrong for each other. I don’t like it when people make my business their business too. I feel like saying sometimes, “Get a grip people! Last time I checked, this is my life not yours!” I appreciate that they look after my well-being but there is a big difference in being helpful and being intrusive especially in situations that they are not needed. I am so glad that my parents have been pretty much hands off on these things. Even when they see that some of my siblings’ previous and current relationships are not exactly helpful, they still keep a distance because that how it’s supposed to be.

I guess what I want is that of a more “romantic” or idealistic” setting. One, of me finding him and him finding me. That the two of us decide on what we are going to do with our lives and not other people. One of which the two of us are responsible in finding that happiness in each other and not other people finding it for us. One of which we will be the only one responsible in the flourishing or the demise of the relationship. One, where the only thing that matters is what we feel towards each other and not other people to consider or to think about. I just think that down the road it is a better story to tell than anything else.

Remembering

My maternal grandfather died 3 years ago today! He was already in and out of the hospital pretty much the entire year of 2001. But on his last hospitalization, I was not able to visit him, not even once. It was hard but I think it some ways, it was good for me because my last image of him was not one of him attached to all these tubes.

On the day that he died, I still went to work. With all the confusion, none of my relatives was able to tell me to stay home. I went about my usual day but looking back there were already signs. For one, the bus that I was riding all of a sudden broke down at the same time that my cellphone rang but I wasn't able to answer it on time. Checking my missed calls, the caller's phone number didn't register. When I got to work, a message from my brother all the way in the Philippines was waiting for me. Fearing that things were not well at home, I was lucky enough to be able to have a fonecard handy so I was able to call almost immediately. My brother gave me the sad news then he put Papa on the line. Since I had no idea what was going on, Papa instructed me to confirm first. So I called an uncle and it was confirmed.

I went home almost immediately. My uncle brought me to the hospital so I can say my final goodbye but he was already gone when I got there. All my relatives were on their way out. I was still numb then, I didn't know what or how to feel. We all went to my aunt's house where arrangements were going to be discussed among my aunts and uncles while us the cousins dealt with it the best way that we can.

Papa and Mama decided to come for Lolo's funeral. It was a few days after 9/11 and there was tension in the whole world. If the loss of Lolo wasn't enough stress to deal with, I had to face with the fact that my parents will be traveling from the other side of Earth during this uncertain times. They were supposed to arrive Thursday just in time for the Saturday services. Thursday came but my parents didn't. They were redirected to Hawaii without knowing how or when they will be able to get to California. Friday, we took our chance again and went to the airport but nothing. I slept holding my phone close to me since Papa was going to call me there. 5 am, Saturday, I got the much awaited call from Papa, they were at LAX and will be taking a taxi to our designated place since private cars were not allowed to enter LAX. I breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing my parents. The whole day was in a frenzy. Until now I still do not know how we were able to survive those times but we did. Maybe in some strange way Lolo was looking out for my parents to be able to get here on time. Maybe he was giving us the strength that we needed to be able to go on without him.

It has been 3 years and I still do not feel that he is gone. For me he is just on a long vacation. Lolo was such a character with his dry sense of humor and culinary gift. I remember him with fond memories rather than sad ones. In my heart and mind I feel that it was time for him to go since he was growing tired with being in and out of the hospital. He is in a much better place now...looking down at us. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is.

With the recent turmoil going on in the family, I have never been more glad that he is not here to see what is going on but I do hope that the strength that he had exuded when he was still around, he will be able to pass on to Lola who needs it now more than ever.

Lolo, wherever you are...Happy Anniversary!

Gibbers

Since the name of my blog is "from the top of my head", I might as well post these thoughts that at one point in time crossed my mind in the most peculiar time and place. I have moments like these and happens a lot of times that is why it is imperative that I always carry along with me a pen and a paper. I have to be prepared when inspiration strikes! It is quite a list already and it is still a work in progress. So here goes:

• A slap is the biggest insult a human being can give another.
• I cannot expect someone to make me happy if I don’t know what will make me happy.
• I should be happy first before I can expect people to make me happy.
• My sense of self-worth will not and should not come from other people. It should come from within me.
• The only person who can give me validation is ME.
• If I want people to like me, I MUST like me first.
• If you want people to open up to you, do the same thing.
• I believe that we start to live LIFE once we become comfortable in our own skin.
• I am more scared of people whose one big positive trait is that they are “very nice”. I believe that it’s scarier when “nice” people become bad than those that have been labeled as “bad”.
• A relationship is about two individuals becoming one rather than two halves trying to become ONE.
• My Social Psychology teacher was right, in any attraction it is in the “ATTRACTED” and not the “ATTRACTEE”. We are drawn to another human being not because of who or what they are but rather what emotion they evoke in us.
• Value one’s independence and expect the people around you to do the same.
• Never look down when talking to a child. Go down to his or her eye level or bring the child up to yours. It may not make a difference now but it will in the future.
• Insecurity is the cause of the doom and demise of any relationship.
• The choices that we make may not make sense to other people, but if it makes sense to us then it is the RIGHT CHOICE.
• A person is defined by what he or she holds important in his or her life.
• Humor is not about laughing at the expense of other people, but being able to laugh at our own expense.
• People have different definitions of love, peace, happiness and success, who are we to question and judge that.
• Sometimes in our search of that one BIG thing, we forget the little things we encounter along the way which turns out to be the MOST IMPORTANT things.
• In life, the journey towards a destination is of equal importance as to the destination itself.
• Life isn’t about how we lived it but how we made use of it.
• Life is not a sprint but a marathon.· People do not fall in or out of love. People decide to love.
• Relationships are partnerships not corporations.
• Leashes are for pets not for people. No matter how thick of a leash we put on someone, if they are going to stray, they are going to stray.
• People should not be in relationships out of obligation, need or pity.
• Lack of communication is the start of the death of a relationship.
• Death of relationships do not just happen, we allowed it to happen.
• Neglecting one’s self is neglecting others too.
• You hear with your ear but you listen with your heart.
• Nothing is sexier than a good pair of great fitting jeans.
• Regrets are not likely when one makes a decision wisely.
• Sometimes the love of our life is not in our life.
• I have no idea where I am headed but I know what I am running away from.
• Focus on the things in our life that we have and not on those that we lack and we realize that we have so much to be thankful for.
• The greatest gifts parents can give their children are roots and wings.
• The brain is above the heart not only because it is anatomically pretty but because it makes sense out of what the heart dictates.
• I will worry about the things I can control and change rather than waste my time and effort on the things that I cannot.
  

Prologue

Finally an avenue for me to share my thoughts! Why "from the top of head?" Well, I have felt sometimes that my thought process is faster than my body can comprehend! LOL! Sometimes I feel that I need some machine attached to my brain so that it can encapsulate all the thoughts that are running through my head. Its usually random thoughts about so many things around me...some of them are pretty out there and I know that when I tell people about it - they will cast me a weird look and a shake of their head like saying..."what is she talking about?". Hopefully I wont get the same reaction as I post my thoughts away! LOL!

I am a new aunt and a new godmother!!! My cousin gave birth to her second child, a girl - 5lbs, 19 inches, today at 7:45AM! Welcome to the world, Jasmine Skye Jaojoco Navarro!!! Being an aunt I can handle but being a godmother is a daunting task! It is an honor to be asked to be a godmother because that means that the parents feel and believe that I am responsible enough to be able to be there for their daughter when the need arises. She is not my first god-daughter but I think it is only now that I have come to grasp the real meaning of it. Back in high school, studying about sacraments, it was discussed what the role of godparents are. Well, back then the thought of being one did not cross my mind so whatever I was studying did not really make sense to me. Nowadays, I am coming to terms with it and slowly trying to understand what it entails. I am excited! On the downside though, my Christmas list is growing longer and longer!