It's all relative

I once joked to my cousin that why is it that I am related to some of the nicest and good-looking guys. Here are guys who I think have a lot of potentials but downside is I am related to them in a big way that its out of the question.

One is a son of my second cousin. I just newly discovered that he is a relative. I just met him when I came to the States and he was at one of our family parties. I noticed him right away, he was a new face after all. Plus, who wouldn't? He is tall, good-looking, nicely built, nice skin color, soft-spoken and quite intelligent. He is the same age as I am. He was also interested in getting to know some of his relatives most of whom he has only recently found out of their existence. In the few times that he would be at family parties, we have always talked and he is just interesting. He lives quite far and not always able to come to our parties but when there is an opportunity to invite him and me, being the family event planner and all, I include him in the list. If one thinks about it, our connection is already pretty far but in F.ilipino culture, once tagged as a relative is a relative and therefore hands-off. Besides, his last name is my middle name so that is just too weird.

Not that my other guy cousins do not belong in the list of nice and good-looking guys but there are just too many of them to mention so I have to pick one. I think one of the nicest and good looking guys is Mikey. He is the son who at 17 took over being the "head of the family" when his father died. Even while his dad was still alive, Mikey was already a sensitive, mature, responsible guy so it wasn't a surprise that he has taken his new role quite well and has adapted to it easily. Being the only boy in a brood of 5, he is used to female company add to that his female cousins. Even he is the only guy in the group, he doesn't mind. One time, we were at an accessories store, the girls going all crazy, where was Mikey? Right in the middle of the store, just waiting for us to finish, not once did he tell us to hurry up or scowled at us or anything. He just waited until we were done. He also waited for me and Cassey when we went to watch a movie once after he and Chantal already brought the younger kids into the theater. When I asked what he was doing there, he said so we would know where we were sitting. Some girl will be very lucky to be loved by this guy and I hope she knows how lucky she is.

And there is my brother, Niccolo. I didn't use to think he was nice or good-looking. I could never look at him that way. In high school a teacher told me "kabuotan nala nimo brother" (your brother is kind). I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't want to badmouth my brother but in my mind I was asking myself if we were talking about the same guy. My brother was a pain growing up like all younger brothers. But as he grew older, his kindness came to the surface. Maybe he has been nice all these times but we, his sisters just didn't realize it. He is really sweet and caring, a good listener too. Maybe he overdoes it a bit sometimes when he makes "lambing" to our mom. He is nauseatingly sweet sometimes. But that is just his nature. At 27, he still follows with no questions when our parents tell him to do something - wash the dishes, drive people around, do errands, etc. He doesn't complain, well not in front of our parents but he does to us but he will still do it anyway. He is a gentleman, mature, responsible, sensitive so its no wonder we, his sisters tend to turn overprotective when it comes to girls for him. My friends and some people have told me that he is good looking. At first I was like "eww". He is my brother for goodness sakes, I am not supposed to think that he is. Well, now I do and I have to after all he is my brother. A lot of girls have taken advantage of his kindness and have broken his heart. They have no idea what they have let go of. Well its their loss anyway. Someone worthy will eventually come along.

Well, its pretty unfair to compare other guys to them but it cannot be helped. When one is surrounded with such good quality of guys, its pretty much expected that we would want if not the same at least comparable for ourselves. Not much in terms of physicality but its a plus but more on character. When you have guys like these who think the world of you, you would want someone like that as well.

40 days

It has been 40 days since Tito Augie passed away. Our tears have all dried out but it still doesn't ease the fact that we still have this emptiness in our hearts. Forty days have passed and yet we all are still in disbelief that he has left us forever. Somehow at the back of our minds, we are waiting for a moment that he would appear and tell us "gotcha, joke's on you!" But we know that wouldn't happen so we just need to do what we need to do.. move on with our lives. I admit it was pretty hard. A friend validated that but also said that we still have to move on. Our lives have to go on. We just put in our minds that he has left us because he has already served his purpose and we have memories of him to remember him by. We talk about him because in that way we heal ourselves and also our way of not forgetting him. Looking back, some of our interactions with him were pretty simple, ordinary even but now we realize lessons and wisdom were embedded in those. Those are the ones that allow us to finally come to an acceptance that he is no longer around but his spirit remains with us.

Probably because we were close in age so he treats me more of a friend than a niece. He was our "taga-tagay" when we would have drinking sessions, peppered with his jokes and comments. There were times that I felt he was too cocky and wanted attention so much but I realize now that he was just being himself and he just wanted to enjoy each moment that he had with us. I had a tiff with him once because I didn't like one comment he made. It was a comment that I felt was disparaging to people from Leyte and one that he didn't have a right making since he hasn't been there. It wasn't the first time but at that particular day, I didn't get much sleep and was cranky and then I heard his comment so I gave a snide comeback. But after that all was well with us. In think it even made him know and respect me more so he has ceased making such comments at least within my hearing shot.

Tito Augie was the type of uncle that I would both love and dread to introduce a guy friend to. I would have loved to introduce a guy friend to him because he has a way of making people feel comfortable and welcomed. I have seen how he is when we introduce new people to him, he would go out of his way to make them feel welcomed, talked to them, gave them his attention. But it also depends on the person. My cousin said it well when he said that people either love of hate Tito Augie. But the difference is even if one hates him you will still like him a little, if that even makes any sense. I would dread it though because he would definitely put someone or me on the spot with his teasing. He did that a lot so if a person is "pikon" or lacks sense of humor, he/she wouldn't like Tito Augie that much. But that will be the true test though because if one will be able to come out of a meeting with him alive, the rest of the family would be easy.

He puts so much importance on family. He doesn't fail to remind us, cousins that we have to stick together because we are family. He always told me that he will be there for me when I would need him. Their house is open for me and if I need anything to just call. He was that accommodating and available. I remember one time that the bus I was riding in broke down and it was getting dark, I called him and he came to pick me up even if I was out of his way. He particularly enjoyed it when all of us cousins are all together and I am glad that on one of few times before he died we were all together. He spoke to us on a level that we will all understand. He never exerted this status of "I am your uncle, you do as I say" thing. If we spoke, he listened intently and gave advice when he had to. He also would word his advice in a manner that even my youngest of cousin would understand. He dealt with us on our own levels from my 3 year old cousin to my 40 something cousin.

His jokes, stories, comments, wisdom and company are what we all miss the most but these are also the ones that are carrying us through. When we talk and we do our own remembrance of him, we still take lessons from them. It is only now that we are starting to realize that what we thought he said before was a given seemed to be now our saving grace and that is each other. We are all dealing with the loss as best as we can but the important thing is we are dealing with it together as a family. He must be smiling down on us right now.

It all came down to this...

Four years of school. Five months of review. Four Sundays of whole day exams, my brother Nicco wearing his red San.Beda Law jacket emerged from the Engineering gate of DLSU along with his fellow Bedan barristers. Nicco told me that it has been a tradition with the Bedan barristers to come out of DLSU all at the same time wearing their jackets amid the beer splashing and loud cheers.

Mama said that weariness was written all over his face. But I also saw relief. That was what he told me to when I finally spoke with him. What is commendable is that Nicco has maintained a positive attitude throughout. Apryll, a family friend and one of my closest friends saw him and mentioned how relaxed Nicco was compared to how she was when she took it last year. Even through a bout with cough, Nicco still maintained his laid-back attitude which we all envy. He said he has done all that he could. His fate now lies on the hands of the people checking their exams.

Up until the Saturday before the last exam, my parents haven't seen Nicco for the entire month of September. Though they spoke to him regularly, my brother asked that they didn't come to Manila for the first day and just on the last day instead. It did my parents good because knowing them they wouldn't be able to mask the concern and the helplessness that they felt as Nicco goes into the biggest "pressure cooker" of all. In fact, my dad was an emotional wreck the first two Sundays. They even had relatives around on the first day. He knows how big this is for Nicco and like any parent if he could deal with the pressure instead of my brother, he would do it in a heartbeat. My sisters and I just told Papa that he has to keep it together because this is the last thing that Nicco has to be concerned with. I was emotional too but I tried to keep it in check. I have faith in my brother that he will be able to pull through. The less stress and worry the better. This is also why we made sure that he didn't know about our uncle's passing until the 3rd week of his exams. He died just before his first day.

My parents along with my sister and cousin were early and they were pretty anxious while waiting. Mama likened it to waiting for someone who has been incarcerated for a long time. Well, it did almost feel like that since as soon as he was done with school, his life has all been about review with an occasional breaks here and there. So it was such a relief for my parents to finally see him after such a long time. Camille said that it was such an emotional moment. Mama cried. I was expecting Papa would but he didn't but Mama said that he was already about to. I even cry just by looking at these pictures.

I kind of had an idea how a barops look like but I didn't realize how huge it was until my sister would constantly text us for updates as they were waiting near Mc.Donalds. The exam wasn't going to end until 5 PM but they were already in the vicinity by 330 so they could find a good spot to meet him. Papa said as early as noon, roads leading to DLSU were already closed and different schools were already setting up. Mama had chills seeing such a sea of people all anticipating the emergence of some 6, 344 barristers, the highest in history who took the chance of becoming full-fledged lawyers. It seemed like one big block party with bands, cheers, beers and even food.

I only have one brother but in the course of this journey that Nicco took, my sisters and I have gained 3 more. They have become more than my brother's classmates and friends. During trying times and Camille's hospitalizations they have been there not only for Nicco but for Camille as well. So it was such a nice gesture that they all went to meet up with my parents after.

Al, Anton, JP & Nicco - the worst is over. Have fun for the time being. Worry about the results when its near. =)

High octane

I am both tired and refreshed if that even makes any sense. I am tired and sleepy because I had an insane idea to clean my room at 11PM. Refreshed because I have finally got rid of some of the junk that has been accumulating in my room. Its liberating to not see a lot of clutter.

It all started when I was folding my clothes after doing laundry and before I know it I was arranging them according to color and turned my attention to my books and fixed them, threw out some of the useless papers that I just shove into my desk without even looking at it. All these while listening to some good music. Usually when I am cleaning I put in some rock music or dance music but since it was almost midnight and lest I want to be the source of my aunt's grouchiness the next morning, I settled for jazz - Mishka.Adams and world - Cynthia.Alexander. Not really the type of music I would listen to when I am cleaning but I compensated by popping some Sour.Patch.Kids gummies. So I was running on high octane fuel so late at night.

As I was sifting through the tons of papers, mails, cards on my desk, I came across letters that I haven't read in a long time. One was a letter from a very good friend of mine given to me before I left. She spoke of our friendship being able to stand the distance that will be separating us and she was right because it has been 8 years and I can safely say that our friendship has endured if not improved through time and distance. Sure, we may not talk to each other as often as we would want to given our busy lives but the fact remains that we both know that we will have each other's undivided attention when we find ourselves online the same time or when I get the chance to call her up. We can pretty much pick up where we left off. Its like we have never been apart.

Another one that I was surprised to read was a birthday card sent to me by another good friend back in 2001. It was written in her usual sarcastic, funny way but she wrote something that perplexed me. She said that though people say that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the truth is..

"The best way to a man's heart is to give him your heart."

She then told me to think about it. I don't remember what my reaction was when I first read it. And now? I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. I admit I am a bit lost but maybe I should ask her about this. That is if she still remembers ever writing this to me.

There were two cards/letters there that upon looking at the postmark, its going to be 10 years next year since I got them. First class stamp was just 32 cents then, its now 39 cents. The adhesive on the envelope has dried out. The flap is easy to open. The little note in one of the envelopes is faded but still readable. The card is torn in two. I was almost tempted to read it but I decided against it. I just looked at it. I don't think things will change if I read them anyway. I actually believed every word that was written in those letters but now I wonder if it was even real to begin with or was just a figment of my imagination that I made myself believe it to be true. I don't know if it was coincidence that I was just conversing with the sender of those letters hours before I chanced upon them. The message was actually a surprise since prior to last night, the last time I heard anything was a week ago. Maybe one day I will read the letters again. For now, I placed them along with the other letters in this envelope and found a place for it on my desk.

With the letters safely tucked in, I continued cleaning and prepared my weekend bag. I usually go to my aunt's house on weekends so I pretty much just refills my bag. It really shouldn't be called a weekend bag since I usually bring almost a week's worth of change of clothes but I want to be ready for anything and it amuses my cousins so why change it. At 2 AM, tiredness came over me. Despite that it was late, I actually felt energized but I knew that I still had one more work day left on my week, I had to give in. Looking at my clean, organized room was enough to send me into deep slumber.

Cousins

Phew! what a week!

If I survive this week, I don't think I have any right to complain that I am stressed. I think this week takes the cake, blue ribbon and trophy in one for being the most stressful week any person can ever live. Actually, my stress didn't just start this week, its started some months back when we were preparing for Lola's party and it escalated as the even got nearer. After the party, we still had relatives around so we really haven't been able to take a rest but it was a good kind of stress. However, starting the past weekend, it has been a bad kind of stress with my uncle being rushed to the hospital on Friday and passing away on Saturday. Saturday, we started the 9-day novena along with consoling my aunt and cousins and helping put things in order: food for the 9 days, arrangements for viewing, funeral etc on top of that still trying to wrap our fingers around the reality that he is not coming back. This weekend is also my cousin's wedding. He and my uncle are not blood related so none of those "pamahiins". So basically I have a funeral and a wedding to go to this weekend.

Looking at my schedule alone is already making me stressed.

Friday is the viewing from 10-3 and again at 3-9. Then at 630 we have wedding rehearsals to go to and a dinner following after that.

Saturday at 9AM is the funeral and the wedding is at 3PM. Good thing I am not part of the bridal party so I don't have to be early but I am reading during the mass at the wedding. I still don't have the reading materials with me and I have a small stage fright. So its really important that I have the materials beforehand lest I want to embarrass myself. We were hoping that the funeral wont be the same day but there was no other available schedule. So here we are with a funeral and a wedding all in the same day.

Before that I have to make the ribbons for the chair covers that is going to be used at the wedding on Thursday which happens to be today. I might even have to still iron the ribbons. I ironed some last Monday which prevented me from starting on the ribbons. So I guess we will be pulling an all nighter today making 250 ribbons. On Saturday at 430 we still have to put the chair covers and ribbons before the 530 reception. How are we going to do this?? Help!! Oh I am also one of the "to-go to" people at the wedding to relieve the bride and groom some of the little things.

I don't have a silver bag to wear to the wedding so I may have to squeeze some mall time between all these flurry of activities.

I brought enough change of clothes to last me a week when its only for a weekend. I think we may have to change clothes before going home from the funeral only to change again into our clothes for the wedding. Something about not bringing bad luck to the house when coming from a funeral. Moving in and out of clothes already takes time.

With the heat that we have been having, a shower is needed as well. That's another time to be spent.

Mr. Time where are you???

Life is beautiful.
Life is good.
but it can be hard and sad.
Life is unpredictable
Life is unfair
But we still have to live it
we still have to learn from it
because at the end of the day
it is all that we've got and
we dont know when it will be taken away

We had a lesson in this today when my uncle all of 39 years of him had a brain aneurysm and its been massive and irreversible. We are just waiting for the inevitable which is the sucky part. We know that his life would come to an end but we just dont know when it would be, All that we can do is wait. What saddens me aside from the part that he is so young is that my aunt would be a young widow and my cousins would be orphaned so young. He has 5 kids with ages ranging from 17 to 8. The eldest, Mikey is probably the most responsible 17 year old I know. How he takes care of his mom and his 4 sisters is beyond commendable even when his father was still active. Now with the end looming, a big responsibility will be resting on his small shoulders to carry on the family. It seems that he has been prepared all his life for this day that he would have to carry on the responsibilities. They wont be short in support system because they have us, their family around them. My uncle has been given the next 48 hours to show improvement. Though there is no more brain activity and therefore is now considered clinically dead, we are still holding out hope for some miracle to happen. If not the miracle of life restored, maybe the miracle is not in that but in reconciliation and unity among the family members and I saw that earlier today. Its sad that a tragedy like this had to happen but maybe some people are just bound to sacrifice their own life to save others not only from ourselves but also from each other.

Pictures

We did it!

The party was a big success! Everyone had fun and it was organized. It wasn't perfect which I didn't mind but the point is, everyone had a blast. My lola was grateful and she really enjoyed her party. There were no major glitches, no dramas, we were on schedule and we were within budget. People it seems didn't want to leave. I even had to tell the staff at the venue to turn on the lights because people were still dancing long after the end of our time. Guests liked the venue, the food, the music, the flowers. We had some technical difficulties but we timed dinner in such a way that even if we had gaps in the program no one would be bored because they will be busy eating.

My cousins prepared 4 dance numbers: modern, maglalatik, pandanggo sa ilaw and tinikling which brought the house down. Bear in mind that no professional teacher was hired to teach my cousins. My aunt had a dvd of Philippine.Dances and they just watched it and taught themselves. The tinikling was such a hit that it warranted an encore which my cousins did. The modern dance was first danced back in 1999 thus its music is still in a tape. It has been a tradition to dance it at every family party and it never gets old. K.Miles and I were the ones who taught them the dance back then and now the older cousins are the ones teaching the younger ones.

I am tired and I am still recovering but it brings smile to my face when my relatives and the guests would tell me how much they enjoyed the party and commended me for a job well done. I couldn't have done it by myself. All of my cousins pitched in and stepped up and they share the accolades too. It has been 4 days since the party and people are still talking about it and that makes me glad.

My full account of the party is to follow when my brain is already back to its fully functioning mode. Right now, its still on a sleepy mode.

I am stressed coz I am not stressing

HUH?? Yup, I am weird that way.

Its 3 days before my Lola's birthday. Its 3 days to the event that my cousins and I planned, prepared for the past few months. Its 3 days to the event that will or will not prove that we, the younger generation is capable to coming up with something with as little help as possible from the older generation. We still have things to do. I have not crossed out much from the list in my previous post especially the script part. I don't even have as much as an intro written. I have all the reasons to panic and to be stressed. But the thing is... I AM NOT! Which is scaring me a whole lot.

I really should be raking my brains out right now to write something sensible. I really should have given the script already to the hosts so they can practice. I really should have the seating arrangement done by now (its just halfway done.) I should have already started with the gift box but until now its still a folded piece of carton waiting to be assembled, shaped into a treasure chest and put the trimmings. We should have the guestbook done by now but its only now that we have decided on what we are going to have. Its not really a hard task to do but still a task added to the already enormous one we have.

We can do this! We did not come this far to fail. I don't think that we will. I have faith in myself and in my cousins that we will be able to pull this through. I guess the reason why I am not stressing is because I am not doing everything as some people think. I have disseminated the tasks to my other cousins and the mere fact that they are all stepping up is the reason why I am not at all stressing that much. Besides, nothing will be accomplished if I am going to allow myself be overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility and task on hand. I already know that there is a lot of pressure and expectations, I don't need to constantly remind myself of it because if I will it will just take all the sanity out of me.

Ask me again on Friday if I am still not stressing. Who knows if my story would have changed by then.

To-do list

• Finalize guests count and give to caterer (guests are still giving their RSVP, one week after the date I set) Geez!
• Make seating arrangement (its tough coz we have to be sensitive to those who cant stand to be near each other)
• Make and decorate box for the gifts for Saturday
• Buy 5 lighters (it will take 5 people to light all 85 candles in my Lola's cake or cupcakes)
• Coordinate with the 4 hosts on what they need to do on Saturday (they better not be lame)
• Buy flowers at 5 AM Saturday (rolling out of bed *sigh*)
• Make centerpieces (25 vases) Kaya namin ito!
• Set up venue for party (2 hours prior - 430PM)
• Coordinate with cousins pertaining to their parts in the program
• Write the script for the program, give it to the hosts and oversee their practice AAHHHHHHHHHHHH
• Make sure finances are in order and enough to cover all expenses
• Do Lola's make-up (maybe, just be prepared)
• Have the strength to face problems on the day itself, especially comments from people and have the sensibility to make quick decisions when needed.
• Have the strength for the after-party
• Have fun regardless!!

*SIGH*

Dark polish

I must really be stressed because I have been blogging daily this whole week. That and I have so many things in my mind that I need to release from my system. At least my blog wont take offense to whatever it is that I have to say. *sigh*

I think my nail polish is reflective of what my emotions have been for the past few weeks. When I would venture into the nail polish section of the drugstore, I find myself focused on the dark tint ones. In fact my last 3 purchases have been really dark ones. I had my nails done and I picked the darkest one of all. I went to the salon today not only because it was the only free time I have until the party but also to perk myself up and it did. I so needed that time alone when negativity was so far away from me. For that brief moment no one else mattered but myself. It was nice. It may have not erased "the _____ state" that I mentioned in my previous post but at least it gave me time to reflect a bit. I used to associate dark polish with melancholy but weird thing is right at this point I am associating my dark polish with freedom. For once, I picked a color not because it was cute or what people would expect but I picked one that I wanted regardless of what people will say. I think I will keep it for as long as I feel like it. It's making me feel good, maybe not happy but at least good.

A __________ state

A cousin told me something yesterday that made me think. She said that when she looks at me she feels that I have this sense of sadness within me. She cant explain to me how or why she feels that way but she does. I do feel sometimes that I am not happy but I also feel that I am not unhappy. I am in that state of something I cannot find the words to describe or explain. Its like feeling alone in the midst of a crowd. I believe that this is just a phase that I am going through. For how long? I wish I have the answers but I don't. But one thing is clear to me, I know I will come out of this state, I just have to search for the answer. I just have to find it within me.

Just enough

I apologize for the downer that my past posts have been. Just needed to vent. So after venting, I felt I need a bit of a sugar rush. So it was such a relief that I found myself in B.everly H.ills yesterday to oversee the installation of the new system in the store. My boss owns a small pizza place in B.everly H.ills called F*rankie & J*ohnnies. Being that it is situated in the main street going towards R.odeo drive, the store has its share of VIP customers. Yesterday was no exception. It was this Scott guy who is P.aris H.ilton's music producer who came with two big bodyguards one of whom was responsible in carrying his LV attache case. They are regulars at the store.

But that wasn't the highlight of my almost 7 hour stay at the store but this...

S.prinkles Cupcakes!

I have always wanted to try it after hearing so many good words about it. But since I don't usually venture into that part of town, I haven't had a chance to until yesterday. The store is just half a block away from the pizza place. So I went there before they closed at 7, fell in line. I was told lines are a usual sight in front of the store. But today I guess it wasn't so bad since though I was in line at least inside the store and not in the sidewalk. The actress who played Claudia, L.acey C.habert in the tv show P.arty of F.ive was also in line in front of me. She is pretty but I didn't recognize her right away. She was practically a kid when she was in that show. She was nice. She smiled at me. No air at all. After some time I finally got hold of this...

with my 4 cupcakes: vanilla, red velvet, black and white and lemon coconut. It was pretty pricey for a cupcake but for a full experience at least just not get one cupcake. I went back to the store happy as I passed by M.onique L.huillier's shop along the way. It was also in the same block but it was closed. Save that for another day.

I didn't eat all 4 cupcakes by myself. I gave two to my nieces and brought the rest with me to work. I ate the vanilla one and I like it. But I would have liked it more had the frosting wasn't too thick but the sprinkles on top was a nice touch. I am saving the red velvet one for later. I think the cupcakes are good enough size to have one's fill of sugar for the day. It was just enough to fill my craving for now at least. I will save tasting of the other flavors for next time.

Another highlight was the last minute meet-up with C.hrissie. Its been awhile since we had a get together so this impromptu one was such a treat. Maybe next time she and I can explore the other restaurants in the area because there's a lot.

Ignorance is NOT bliss

We worked on the favors last night and once again, an aunt said that an explanation must be given/read why these are treasure boxes. This isn't the first time I heard about it but maybe my aunt was thinking more on the basis that guests may not get why the favors are such. But as she is repeatedly asking, it seems she herself and who knows who else DON'T get it either.

Okay, what is it about the treasure box as a theme for a person's 85th birthday they don't get. Sometimes, I wonder if they even know their mother at all. A treasure chest is typically made of wood, the sturdy kind. It has a simple exterior to mask the gems inside. It is made to survive good and bad weather. My Lola is just like that. To anyone who has seen her, it would be such a shock to know that she had 15 kids, all natural birth. She is a small lady and yet underneath all that is a wealth of memories, experiences and history. We put anything that we hold dear, what we hold important, things that we have accumulated over the years in a treasure box and once we open it, stories come surging. That is Lola.

I guess they got so used to just having colors as theme like last year for Lola's 84th, we all wore red. All the decorations were red and that's it. But this time, we, the cousins decided to go with a different approach. We decided on a theme that will best capture who Lola is, what she is, what means to us, her travels and travails. It was not easy coming up with a theme because we wanted to encapsulate anything and everything about her, thus a treasure box. Our centerpieces are more towards the rustic side, which is being met with apprehension right now. And what have they seen so far? Oh just empty frosted flower vases and matte gold candle holders with star cut-outs. By the day of the event, we plan to fill the vase with fresh flowers, put tealight candles inside the candle holders and put them on top of the table.

If they don't get it, ask me. Not that I am hearing snide comments when I don't need to. If they have questions, direct them to me and not me hearing it from people. I swear its such a coward thing to do. I don't like it at all. Here we are cousins doing the best that we can given the limited resources and money that we have, is it too much to ask if they could be more considerate and positive? They are bringing my younger cousins' morale down and I am trying to rally them up. I need a long vacation after this.

Rollercoaster

I am an adrenaline junkie. I love rollercoasters. The bigger, the better. The faster it is, the more I love it. However, when it comes to emotions I hate it. These past few days have been a rollercoaster of sorts for me. A whole myriad of emotions has filled me. From upset to disappointed to frustrated to happy to excited. Just about every possible emotion in the spectrum I think I have been through.

I was upset a few days ago with that relative who is pushing it that she was asked by my Lola to be the host. Knowing Lola it could be true or it could not be. I have to double check that. But most definitely, I will make sure that this relative will never go near any microphone on my Lola's birthday especially after finding out that she may have volunteered herself to say something during the party of her brother-in-law's father in-law. Magulo ba? A person she barely even know. Well ganun siya ka-atribida! I have heard her talk and not that shes a bad speaker but she has the tendency to say comments that she's not supposed to and I find it inappropriate. I leave the room when she starts talking because I know I wont like whatever she is going to say. Good if she wants to help but her interference no one really appreciates and taking potshots at people in a public place and what is supposed to be a happy event is not only rude but tacky and in poor taste.

I was disheartened with some of my family members because instead of helping are bringing everyone's morale down. I don't think they believe that the 3rd generation will be able to pull something as being at the helm of the planning for Lola's birthday. Like the favors for instance, we still have 2 weeks to finish them. This is the only thing left for us to do that is large in scale. They haven't even seen the finished product, me comment na na di kanais-nais! Rather than saying negative things, they should at least offer suggestions. Reklamo na nga walang pang suggestions! Labo! But I have came up with something as a counter-attack. I am psyching my cousins, challenging them that this is what the 2nd generation feels and they don't like it one bit which is making them step up. I think some family members think like this because it looks like we are not doing much but just because they don't see it, it doesn't mean its not happening. So we are going to show them and make them eat their words.

I am so happy and proud of my cousins for stepping up when I ask them to. Just this morning I didn't have anyone to host, now I have three and willing ones at that. Not coerced by their parents nor bribed by me. I am happy that my parents taught me to take the high road when faced with such things. I am happy that I got a call this morning from the Philippines at that. Thanks Kuya Miles and Ate Joelle for the suggestions, ideas and encouragement. I am happy that things are falling into place and its us cousins who are doing it and that we can do anything as long as we put our minds together. I love my parents! I love my siblings and I love my cousins.

I am excited for the party. I know and I believe we can pull this off. There's still 12 days before the party and I am sure I will be on many more rollercoaster rides prior to it and who knows after. Its fine as long as I am not riding it alone. I think I am in pretty good company.

Control

When I started writing this blog, this became my avenue where I can pour out all of my thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to say what I wanted to say. However, recently I have noticed that I have been holding back a little bit. I have filtered my own self. I guess it was my way to shield myself, to keep a part of me hidden. At first it was fine but as time passes, it has started to feel like a noose tightening around my neck. I am unable to breathe. I may have wanted to have some control over what certain people will know but I know that when I put myself out there, it meant letting go of that control. Its not saying I will be over the place but I will only concentrate on things I can control and not anymore on the things that I know try as I may I cannot ever control. Its actually freeing to have been able to just throw caution to the wind and not worry about other things.

****

I know its tough for some of my relatives to not have anything to do with preparations for my Lola's birthday. I know its tough to just take a backseat to us cousins who in their mind are just a bunch of kids. Its hard letting go of that control over the details that they have always had until now. To a stranger looking in, it may seem like my cousins and I are not on the same page. But we are. We have been for a long time. We have our own little group going on where things are discussed and decided upon pretty much openly and democratically. This is how we get things done. Its our own little world. I think this is why now that we are pretty much in homestretch to the party, everyone it seems are coming out of whatever cave or rock they came from and are making their presence felt. I am fine with some because I know "ayaw nila mapahiya" like as if my cousins and I are going to allow that. But with some, I am very adamant in controlling some things because I know, I can already see the repercussions and frankly its not a pretty picture. In these instances that I still have full control I will use it. This is not something that is out of my hands, this is something that I know if I stick with it would be more beneficial for everyone involved. I also do not like the fact that my cousins and I will be stripped off of the credit that is due us. This is not about being recognized. We don't need to be. We are not doing this because we are going to gain something but we are doing so out of our love and respect for her. I don't know if I can say the same for some other people out there. There is one person who is the LAST person I want to be visible and for her to call me that supposedly she is being asked to be the host is just upsetting. Ano yun kami ang nagtanim at naghirap tapos siya ang aani? She is in the dark because not only is it the way I want it to be but because it is what it is supposed to be. This is must be a happy event even if some needs to check their egos at the door and for her to be front and center is just going to upset the majority and make my cousins and I look bad. NO WAY!! Even if supposedly she was asked by Lola to be the host, (which I doubt is what really happened) I think since I was at the helm from the beginning, it should be my call on who I will put as host. I have to sit down with Lola about this. The initial plan was for the cousins to be the one who will plan everything with the assistance of the aunts and uncles. On the day itself, they will just come as guests. I don't know what part of "guests" that some people don't get that they are trying to interfere now. If I sound like I am bit harsh, I have to be, I need to be. This party is for Lola and no one else and if making sure that it will be a happy event entails hurting some egos along the way so be it. I am sure my cousins share the same sentiments.

Hope floats

HOPE
Author Unknown

If you can look at the sunset and smile,
then you still have hope.

If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower,
then you still have hope.

If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly,
then you still have hope.

If the smile of a child can still warm your heart,
then you still have hope.

If you can see the good in other people,
then you still have hope.

If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep,
then you still have hope.

If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder,
then you still have hope.

If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips,
then you still have hope.

If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism,
then you still have hope.

If you give people the benefit of a doubt,
then you still have hope.

If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life,
then you still have hope.

If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise,
then you still have hope.

If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration,
then you still have hope.

If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end,
then you still have hope.

If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection,
then you still have hope.

If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey,
then you still have hope.

If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy,
then you still have hope.

If you can look to the past and smile,
then you still have hope.

If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up
and end the conversation with the phrase..."yeah....BUT.."
then you still have hope.

Hope is such a marvelous thing. It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides,
but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can.

It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead,
when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.

Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.

Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.

Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.

Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured,
and something that will refresh us in return.

And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.

Never lose hope.

PRAYER
"Lord, fill me with your Holy Spirit and give me joy in seeking you
more closely. Increase my faith in all your promises, my hope in the
joys of heaven, and my love for You as my All."

**********
My cousin has been sharing with us inspirational passages like these, just wanted to share.

Pictures in my mind

I was introduced to Creative.Visualization back in college by a professor of mine, Ms. Lane.Chua. I think I asked her about what had happened to me. I wasn't sure if I dreamt what happened or I just thought about it but the point was, whatever I was thinking actually came true. She said that most likely I must have visualized it and told me to check out this book by Shakti.Gawain. We didn't have time to discuss what it is about but she gave me the name and the author of the book. I have the book and have read it many times. The concept behind Creative.Visualization is that "it is an art of using mental imagery and affirmation to produce positive changes in your life." It sounds really simple but when what you have visualized actually happens to you, you start to question whether its true or not and if its coincidence or fate.

I have had two instances wherein what I thought of actually happened. Maybe there was more but so far these two are the most poignant ones. The first one was almost ten years ago. I think I was thinking about it just a week prior it actually happened. It was eerily right on the dot too: from start to finish from what the other person was going to say to what my reply would be. It was like I wrote my own script and directed my own self when it happened. It was a weird feeling. It was more than deja vu. Though I found it odd I was actually thankful because it gave me the courage and put me in the right frame of mind when it actually happened. I also believe that I can credit my visualization as to why after all that happened, that person and I are still friends and closer than ever. I may have said the wrong things had I not visualize it and could have cost me a good friend.

The second one happened early this year in this blog of all places. To say that this time was shocking is an understatement. Unlike the first one where it was to the letter, this time around there was a slight difference but the fact remains that I have thought of it before and its actually happening. I was just toying with the possibility of it but I didn't realize that it would come true. I was in a panic because there was a continuation of it. In other words a part two. Though, so far, part two hasn't happened yet but theres a possibility that it will in the near future and I don't know how prepared I am going to be when that happens. Or maybe part two is already happening but I just don't know yet.

The weird thing is I usually visualize to put myself to sleep. I have been warned by my mom so many times not to read in bed but in instances that I am not yet sleepy but have to, I turn to visualization. Its like "reading" myself a bedtime story. I don't tell people much about this. I have been told that I am weird one too many times and I thought this only happened to me. These are the roots of my hesitation. But after Kaytee blogged about it, I realized I wasn't alone. She asked some really good points, is it just the power of wishful thinking? Is it coincidence? Or is it fate?

I haven't stopped visualizing. Like I said it puts me to sleep but after two of my visualizations came true, I am hesitant to do it anymore. What if it comes true again? How ready am I to face it? But if this is really what I want to happen in my life, why am I afraid of it coming true? Maybe because I am afraid to discover that its just a coincidence and these were nothing more than just pictures in my mind that I came up with. Or maybe because I am afraid to discover that it is fate's way of telling me and I don't know how to go about it. Or maybe it can be coincidence or fate and believing and following it might just put me face to face with pain.

Or maybe I really should just stop thinking too much about it.

Awaken your passion

My cousin shared this with us through email. I don't know who wrote it and I don't think he knows either so I give credit to whoever that was so brilliant to write this.

~ * ~ *

What desires have you left behind that you would like to have back?

What dreams have you avoided that were meant to show you who you are?

It is never too late to recapture the passion that, after all, gives life to your life.

Every moment holds the possibility of real meaning and fulfillment.
Remember what it felt like when you felt you could not live without your heart's desire?
Listen to what that feeling has to say to you now.
There is a living spirit within you that knows no boundaries or limits.
Experience again how great it feels to let that spirit soar.

Life can beat you down, close your mind and imprison your spirit, but only if you let it.
Choose not to let it.

Reach into yourself and awaken your passion with a gentle and loving caress.

Live the fulfillment that you know you must have.

School Spirit

When I first read about this in Ate Joelle's blog, I didnt think much of it but credit a boring afternoon at work and I just discovered a new source of entertainment. This is a must see for any La Sallian.

Disclaimer: If you are a non La Sallian, sense of humor required. =)

I'd rather be GREEN

MYMP Meets South Border

Katz Entertainment is producing the Los Angeles leg of MYMP's First US Tour with South Border on:

September 15, 2006, Friday at 9PM
The Grove in Anaheim
2200 East Katella Avenue
Anaheim CA 92806
(714) 712 - 2700

For tickets call: Katz Entertainment (562) 787-9030.

Clutter in the storage

"These things...little things...stupid things were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid, piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. There were too much left unsaid, we barely said anything at all."

- Gabe's Dad, Little Manhattan

This line in the movie Little*Manhattan caught my attention. It is very true. In our life, in our relationship with the people around us we sometimes have so many things that are left unsaid, almost like the clutter in the storage room. We keep on piling things up in the storage room and not cleaning it once in awhile and before we know it, it has become so full that we have no room to move around. Its the same with feelings. The more we keep things in, our hearts become so heavy and before we know it our pent up emotions has eaten us up and has reached heights beyond repair. This has happened to a lot of us and most of the time it signals the demise of a lot of relationships. I think and I believe that no relationship ends, its just that we allowed it to die by not talking, by not communicating. Its sad.

"Why didn't you just say 'em then?"

Gabe asked his dad this to which his dad could not reply or probably didn't know how to respond to. As I was watching it, I thought wow, I am getting a lesson from an 11 year old character in this movie. But his question was valid, why didn't we just say what we have to say rather than allowing them to be left unsaid?

"I don't know. I kind of wish I had!" - Gabe's dad

When I was younger, I had some resentment with Papa. It was because I am the eldest and I felt that he expected too much from me. He had so high expectations that in my effort to reach them was stressing me out and keeping me away from him. But instead of talking to him, I kept things in and I was distancing myself from him. For some time there was an invisible wall between the two of us. We still talked but our relationship has changed. It wasn't what it used to be. I didn't think I would be able to talk to him about him. Until Papa missed his early morning flight home to T.acloban after visiting my sister and me in M.anila. This happened probably almost 10 years ago but I still remember it vividly and will forever be thankful to it. I feel that he overslept and missed his flight for a reason.

It was 5 AM and my class wasn't until noon and his next flight wasn't until that afternoon. We sat across each other in the dining table and for reasons I still don't know until now, we just started talking. I told him what I felt and my difficulties and he listened and explained. For that moment, we were not only father-daughter but we were two adults talking. I think I cried and he consoled me. It felt good. I felt light and I felt free. I think we both learned a viable lesson and that's anything can be resolved if we talk about it and listen to each other. Since then, my relationship with Papa and everyone in my family has improved tremendously. Sure we still have our moments but as soon as things calm down we let the other person know so it can be resolved. I wrote Papa a letter after that. To thank him for listening and understanding. I don't remember what else I wrote but I bet that letter is kept somewhere safe in my parents room.

After that point in my life, I realized that I don't want it to happen again nor would I want any of my siblings to feel that they cant go to our parents or to each other if they have something important to say. I didn't want us to be like maybe some families wherein as the children get older and having their own way of thinking that its the start of discourse and disagreement. Sure we have disagreements but most often is that we all agree to disagree. We respect each other's views and opinions. We may not always like what we hear and not always agree with whatever it is but we take it. Not necessarily follow it but we just take it. We can disagree with it all we want but it wouldn't stop us from saying what needs to be said and maybe that's what makes a big difference. We don't hide things in. If I disagree with what one of my siblings said or did, I am going to let them know and vice versa. We may not always like what we hear but at least its already being brought out into the open rather than keeping it in and waiting for that time that things will be so hard to keep in any longer and resentment comes in place. I don't know if my siblings will agree with me or not but I don't say my opinions to them because I am the eldest and I feel I am entitled to that. I will give it as a fellow human being, a fellow adult. I think there comes a point in each family that children are no longer ruled by birth order and all just become individuals walking in this world.

We are pretty lucky that our parents allow us to say when we have something to say. We can tell them what we think AS LONG AS we still keep that level of respect that them being as our parents are entitled to. Since they are treating us as adults, we must give the same courtesy. We have never and will never ever raise our voice at our parents no matter how frustrating it is. I don't think any of us has talkback to our parents. Reason out, yes we have but not talk back. When we reason out to our parents, they know that we mean no disrespect. There are times that it can be frustrating when the stubbornness comes in place. During these times, we just drop it and rant amongst us siblings or to Mama when its about Papa or to Papa when its about Mama. LOL Does this negate the whole "letting it out thing"? Not all because by ranting to other members of the family, there is a big probability that it will still get to the person involved. My siblings keep me sane during times like these and I think I do the same to them. The difference between reason out and talk back is in the delivery and the tone. We also do not involve ourselves in things we shouldn't be involved in. We intervene but not get involved. This is the reason why I told my parents that if they need to talk to anyone of us, its should just be them and whoever it is. The last thing we want the person involved to feel is that we are all ganging up on him/her. We also make an effort not to cut in when someone is talking. Not only is it rude but I think it "fuels the fire" even more. We wait for our turn to speak. We listen so that we will be listened to.

We don't live perfect lives. There are also times that we get irritated with each other. When the discussion is starting to get intense, we step back rather than say things that we may not mean and may be hurtful. That or we just log off on IM all of a sudden or stop texting back or say a quick bye and turn off the phone. We also go on days when we prefer not to talk to each other. Just some space, some time apart, allowing things to calm down. In time, as things settle down, we can go back again and talk things through. When we are all highly emotional, we are not able to think straight and sometimes what we need to convey are not conveyed in the right way. Plus, people tend to be defensive when we approach them in an "attacking" stance and its not going to resolve anything.

"I just cleared some old stuff out of the storage room."

I don't know whether what we are doing as a family is right or wrong but its working for us. By letting our thoughts, feelings and opinions out in the open, we are not keeping things in that might just tear all of us apart. We may hurt each other from time to time during the process but we also heal along the way. The best part is we heal together.

Eating goo

Okay I am not really eating goo but oatmeal. Much as I would want to put a picture, I prefer not to. I am not a big fan of oatmeal. No offense to those who love it but as my co-worker pointed out it feels like I am eating glue. It does at least the sweet kind. Okay that sounds like I know what glue tastes like, I don't. The maple and brownsugar makes it sweeter and much stickier. But I prefer this rather than the plain ones. This, I can tolerate. Put in some bananas, they don't taste bad at all.

If I dislike it so much why am I eating it? Well I have to. Today marks the day that I need to make some changes health wise. I had a scare two weeks ago when I felt some discomfort in my chest. Then my lab works confirmed it. My cholesterol is high for my age and weight. All those eating at family parties are catching up on me. Its not like I over indulge at parties or eat bad food. I don't, but my family history as I have said is also working against me. That should have been my warning from the very beginning but did I listen to it? No. I was banking on my age and fast metabolism rate to carry me through only for it to turn its back on me. Geez, I am being melodramatic about it. In any case, I really have to make some changes. Eat healthy, live an active lifestyle because I definitely don't want to start taking medications this early. NO WAY!! Maybe this is my chance to finally follow through what I have long been planning to do. All I needed was a figure on my lab report to knock some sense into me.

This is going to be tough doing by myself so I have commissioned my sister, cousins and other family members to be my police plus either they already have high cholesterol or have no plans of having one so we would be helping each other. We all actually have been doing something little by little but we slip once in awhile, I know I do. But this time, no slipping. No more!

Camille - please not a word to Papa and Mama. They already have so many to think about, I don't want to add. =)

$@*%^

My PC was hit by a trojan and some virus. Grrrr! I don't know how it happened. I cannot believe this happened to me when I am very careful in opening files or sites or links that are not familiar to me. Most of the time, I don't even open them at all. Good thing it was repaired but our pc guy said that once a trojan entered my system it would still be there. If I want it gone I would have to reformat my whole harddrive. Leche! I really have to backup my files and have this reformatted so I wont be bothered with all these useless crap called popups. Nakakainis! Why do people create such things? Why do such people exist? Its such a nuisance. I know its the whole supply-demand thing. If there are no people who will make viruses how would antivirus companies make a profit. Whatever! The computer is supposed to make things easier not a whole lot complicated, dangerous and worse it feeds on people's paranoia, I know it does with mine. Now, how am I supposed to do transactions online when I am scared that some jerk out there is lurking and waiting to get my personal information. Buwisit! The pc guy installed an antivirus program in my computer but then those stupid virusmakers are usually onestepahead. Before I know it, a new one is out there that isn't recognized by my @ntivirus software. What will happen now? Like now, links are appearing in this post when I didn't put them there. Its not there anymore because I fused the words or letters together so they won't go to a link to some searchEngine that I have no idea where it came from. In these times, I wish that the whole world will be back to the basics so I don't have to deal with such things.

Falling into place

I was thisclose to abandoning ship for my Lola's birthday come August. We were not going anywhere. Everyone was asking me for a theme and I couldn't think of one. I have opened it to my cousins but it seems none of us could come up with something. All we have is a description of what we want the party to speak of and that is to celebrate her life, her travails, her journeys, what she means to us after all not a lot of people are able to reach their 85th birthday with such fervor and strength. With everything that Lola has gone through with 15 children and all, its a reason to celebrate. It was really frustrating that not having a theme was slowing all of us down because pretty much everything depends on it. I have been having panicAttacks, sleepless nights and abdominal pains just thinking about it which wasn't helping me at all. I knew we had to come up with something pronto.

I woke up early on Sunday despite not sleeping well. I decided to write Ate Joelle an email to share some of my sorrows and also to ask for her help since she has been such a big help from the beginning. Plus, she planned her wedding to my cousin just the two of them and all of her son's parties so she has some experience. In the middle of my rant, an idea actually came to me - a theme. I ran it by Kuya Gerry and he liked it. I ran it by my sister and other cousins and they liked it as well. So now we have a theme and it all started with an idea for the giveaways. We were going nowhere before that because we were all pretty much walking through it blindly. As if having a theme wasn't a blessing already, when I got back from church and checked out the ads that come with the Sunday paper, I found out that M*ichaels, the local arts and craft store have our idea for the giveaways on sale which saves us a trip and time searching for it and at a good price at that. So double YAY for us that day. Before we know it, things are falling into place. We not only have a theme but we have ideas for the centerpieces and the giveaways and I could not be more glad. Along with all of these all my ailments have disappeared. At least I just have to deal with stress as the day draws near and not much anymore with panic. Phew! I hope.

If I sound a bit cryptic with what it really is, pardon me. I will talk about it in length when things are confirmed. At this point, all we have are ideas and they are all flying from everywhere.

If only the budget is that easy to collect and get. Well, that's another story.

I bought it!

Yup, I got the shoes. The same red shoes that I mentioned in my previous post. The next day, I went back to the mall after a whole night of receiving text messages from my sisters fully convincing me to get the shoes. The three of us have the same shoe size anyway. So I went there, hoping beyond hope that its still available. IT WAS! Good thing I went back because it was the LAST pair in my size. Had I let another day pass by, there was a good chance that it wont be there anymore and I know I would be kicking myself for not getting it. My youngest sister Camille said to learn from her mistakes. She loved a pair of shoes but didn't buy it and then she went back a a few weeks after and it was gone and she still regrets letting go of it until now.

I tried it on one more time. I don't know why. The guy helping me asked what the occasion was. I told him, no occasion, I just want red shoes. LOL I had just slipped one shoe on when two women passing by gasped. I didn't realize that they were looking at me or at the shoe and gave their comments. That it looked really nice, elegant and all. That it looked really pretty since I have narrow feet. I really didn't need to consider their reaction anymore since I was more than convinced to buy it anyway. So I did and now, I just need a place to wear them to.

Almost perfect

I don't know what it is but women and maybe some men are in constant search for that "perfect" thing. For example: LBD (little black dress), white tee, jeans, shoes, etc. It is such an enigma why we are constantly looking for it when the reality may be that it doesn't even exist. But I guess, the search is part of the fun of it. I, myself am is in an endless search of everything mentioned above. One of my search is to find that "perfect" red shoes. A lot of people I know (Tet, Clare kayo yun LOL) are also insearchof that "perfect" red shoes. Not one of us has so far been lucky until I went to the mall today with my aunt. I was just going around when I saw IT - the "almost perfect" red shoes by Anne Klein. I will explain the "almost" part later. Maybe its a bit melodramatic but it took my breath away. I went near it and check if it was available in my size and the one on display was MY size. I tried it on and it fit perfectly. It was the right height. It was comfortable. I am sure since I tried it on when I have been walking and on my toes pretty much the entire day. I liked the design. I can already picture the outfits that I can wear it with. The only drawback is it costs more than what I usually pay for my shoes. It may really not be much compared if it had been a Choo or a Blahnik or a Weitzman but still its a lot of money for a pair of shoes that I really am not going to wear everyday and who knows how often I would wear it. I decided to let the logical side of my brain rule..I placed the shoe back on the display rack and told myself to sleep on it. If I still LOVE it by tomorrow and its still available, I am definitely getting it. My sister was on the dot because she said most likely I would go back and buy it. We are the same size too so she benefits if I buy it. My aunt said I would probably not get any sleep tonight because I would be thinking about those shoes. She is right as well because otherwise I wouldn't be posting about it when its already past midnight. My logical side is already prepared with justifications why I should get it: I don't own a pair of red shoes yet, I have been looking for one and now I have found one that pretty much fits the bill. The reason why I say its the "almost perfect" pair of red shoes because I don't think perfection exists and its definition is pretty much subjective. And besides if I say that I have found the "perfect" red shoes, it means my search has ended. What if I find another one that will still fit my definition? Do I ignore it? I highly doubt it. I will still find reasons as to why I want it. I don't think anyone's search truly ends. I know! I know its just shoes. Its not life, love or happiness. Its not going to solve the world's problems, or cure a disease or feed the hungry. But its something I have control over. Shallow as it may be but I felt giddy when I saw it but for now I shall think about it and see if its something worth buying.

When words fail...

post with bullets

• I thought today was going to be a breeze. After all its my last work day for the week. But no! I got a call earlier from some office who came barging in about an outstanding balance which I knew nothing about. So I asked her questions so I can have a sense of what she's talking about, only to be answered with an attitude - that she already left an information which I didn't get. I just sighed but that didn't stop me from asking her questions. Heck if she is going to give me attitude, I will give her some as well. My family and friends are going to laugh at this. I have been told that I have a sweet voice on the phone. That I sound like a little kid which isn't always a good thing. With the kind of environment that I work in, I think some people underestimate me when they talk to me on the phone and think that they can push me around. In the same way, I think some people think that they are talking to this really "big" person because supposedly I speak with such authority and get the surprise of their life when they see me in person - I am nowhere in the vicinity of "big". I like it though. I like it when I leave people guessing. But I really hate it when people misplace their "bad day" on innocent people. Its not my fault if she is having one so she shouldn't have lashed at me. I was merely asking for more information so I can help her. It turned out, the service was given long before I even took over. So I really need all the information to be able to get to the bottom of this. And if its due to my staff's inefficiency then at least I know who to reprimand. But if we are totally not responsible then she will hear it from me. I just cannot go on blindly. I need all the information I need before I chew her head off. LOL


• Maybe its due to the above incident or maybe not but I felt two sharp pains in my chest which made the hypochondriac part of me go crazy. It felt like I was stabbed, not that I have been. I actually almost keeled. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain so for me to react the way I did speaks volumes. Its more physical than emotional so its not a "broken heart". One of the perks of working at a clinic is I can just go down and have myself checked. I am procrastinating until after lunch. Give me a break, I am scared. Now that is the downside of working in the clinic.


• My EKG came out normal. They say maybe it may be due to anxiety or maybe because I am stressed out. Our physician assistant said it may also be a condition called angin@ pectoris - "a pain in the center of the chest which is induced by exercise (huh? maybe lack of) and relieved by rest and may spread to jaws and arms (yup!). Angina pectoris occurs when the demand for blood by the heart exceeds the supply of the coronary arteries." It could also be the lack of oxygen in my heart. Geez, maybe I shouldn't chew that girl's head off then when I call her back. She's not worth getting sick over.


• After the events of this morning, I decided maybe its about time that I have a thorough general examination. I am the biggest chicken when it comes to doctors which is such an irony since I work at a clinic but I have to, need to have one the soonest possible time. My family's medical history isn't the world's best and its working against me. *sigh* And maybe its about time I take exercising and eating right more seriously now.


• One week from today, my dear, dear friend Xsty is going to walk down the aisle. I am sad I wont be able to make it to her wedding but she knows I am happy for her and Tana. Xsty, we will celebrate when you get back. I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine, Doodz over at YM that it seems all of our friends are marrying off. There's only a few of us left, he said. When I asked him who else, his response made me laugh.."ikaw, ako, ikaw, ako, ikaw, ako at si ikaw at si ako" It's not entirely true but almost.


• My single status has turned from sad to pathetic when my very own Lola starts looking at every single, straight guy from 30 to 40 years old as prospects for me. Good thing I wasn't around when she supposedly said "kay Raissa muna" when a friend of my uncle went to their house for dinner and one of the members in the group was a guy close to my age and single. Had I been there, I would have wished for the ground to open up and swallow me alive. But at least my Lola has good taste, he has potential but I don't know how much since I didn't get to talk to him more than the "hi and hello". I believe there is more to a guy than good looks and a profile sheet. Yeah, "mapili daw ako"! Oh well!


• Our house which is undergoing renovations right now is starting to take some shape. Mama, my siblings and I are still not able to picture its final outcome but Papa has and he assures us its going to be nice. We trust him. For some reasons I cannot post the picture here but we are really elevated from the street. Our flooring is so high that if we still get flooded it means our entire neighborhood is already underwater.


• I went to the fiesta celebration of An Taclobanon Association of Southern California last weekend of our city's fiesta. I was looking forward to meeting friends, eating good food and some dancing. But I wasn't expecting that I would be nominated as one of the candidates to be an officer of the association. Some current officers have approached me about becoming an officer. They felt that with me being an officer it will pave the way for younger Taclobanons in the US to join and be more active in the association but I didn't take it that seriously until I saw my name in the list and needless to say I won a seat. So I am encouraging fellow Taclobanons out there to join. We need the young Taclobanons to join so that we will be the ones to usher the association into the future.


• Tomorrow is already July 1st. How time flies. Before I know it, its already August and its already Lola's birthday. Maybe I shouldn't think of it at this point yet lest I suffer another attack. I like to plan events because in that way, my being bossy is expected and forgiven. But, what makes planning for Lola's party quite a challenge is due to the fact that I am allowing as little interference as possible of some of my relatives. I know its killing some of them but nope I am not going to allow them to ruin it for everyone else. I am not going to allow the "vacuums" around to run the show and take credit when credit isn't due. As it is, we are already not getting the help that we need, require, deserve and for us to hear some snide comments from people is uncalled for. If they do not have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. We are not doing this for ourselves but for Lola who deserves this after everything she puts up with. This is the person who gave life to you, to your significant others, that shouldn't even be quantified. No wonder I am having bouts of anxiety partnered with hyperacidity and other emotion triggered ailments.


• RELAX. This is what I need to do SO badly.

Looking in

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Waste of sunshine

Today is summer solstice wherein it is the day in the year with the longest daylight. Today also marks the official start of summer. A few years ago on a summer solstice, Chary wanted to go to the beach but we both had work so that wasn't possible. We live pretty close to the beaches but its such a shame that we hardly even go there. For one, the waters can be frigid no matter how high the temperature is that day. Plus, I guess since we know its just there we tend to take it for granted and just not go. Its the case of "next time". But it would be nice to go once in awhile and just bask in the sun, watch the waves and relax. Summer it seems came early this year. A few weeks ago, it has been terribly hot and daylight has been longer but it has been wasted on me. When I get home from work, the sun is still out. Even if its almost 8 pm, its still sunny. But instead of me enjoying such a moment, I am already in my house clothes, pretty much ready to go to sleep. What a waste of sunshine indeed. I don't really know what to do or where to go. Even if I do want to do something or go somewhere, its one of those things that I really don't want to do by myself. With people busy with their own lives, our schedules just do not match up and thus once again get-togethers are reserved for "next time".

But for how long would we have a "next time"? It's so ironic that people believe that "life is short". That we have to live each day as if its our last and yet "next time" is still part of our vocabulary. I don't know whether the phrase "next time" is our own little prayer of hope. That tomorrow when another day breaks we would still be able to live it, experience it. Or is it synonymous to masking our own fears of the unknown, of the unpredictable. That we postpone what needs to happen now for tomorrow because we are not prepared of what is going to happen, of what is to happen. I think its little of both. We are hopeful for tomorrow to come so that we would have something to look forward to. That we have tomorrow as a chance to rectify our mistakes and inadequacies of today. Another chance to do what needs to be done. But then again, tomorrow also hinders us to say what we need to say today, what we need to do today. Tomorrow becomes our excuse to prolong, to extend what needs to happen because we fear of what the outcome would be. We fear of what would happen if we seize today and it doesn't happen the way we would want it to be, would we be able to face tomorrow? How would we face tomorrow?

I wish it is easy to just seize the day, "carpe diem" but as a lot of things in this world, its easier said than done. To some its an easy thing to do but its not true for everyone. We all have our own personal reasons why we have our "next time". But hopefully "next time" will still be there when we open our eyes because if not, it will not only be a waste of sunshine but a waste of life, a waste of time, a waste of chance that we may not have again.

"I'd like to buy a vowel."

My aunt called me without so much of a greeting. She just barged in with a question...

"What are the vowels?"

I was taken aback for a bit then replied "a,e,i,o u"

I may have forgotten a lot from what I learned in school, after all its been awhile but I think I still know my alphabet.

"Then how come JJ's teacher said that "y" is a vowel. She underlined the letter "y" in the words like "try" and "multiply" as being vowels. The instruction was for the students to color the vowels in each word." My cousin didn't color the letters "y" and "w".

JJ is my 7 year old cousin who is in first grade. My aunt checks his quizzes and homework all the time like she should. And after the issue with a math problem (will explain that later) and after finding out that the teachers do not even check if the students did their homework right or not, she has become more vigilant. It turns out that as long as the students submitted their homework, its fine and because they have a certain schedule to follow. It becomes the students' responsibility to catch up.

What?? "Y" is a vowel? Well, I did explain to my aunt that the letter "y" does sometimes take the place of a vowel sound when its anywhere else in the syllable and the word doesn't start with "y". It takes the vowel sound when the letter before it is a consonant but as far as "y" being a vowel letter is concerned I don't think it is. This recent thing has been an ongoing discussion within the family. We have asked almost everyone, with ages ranging from 7 year olds to 65 year olds and we all have the same answer "a,e,i,o,u". Even on the show WheelOfFortune, the contestants don't say "Y" or "W" when they ask if they could buy a vowel.

My aunt went to the teacher to verify and she indeed was told that "y" is a vowel but my aunt wasn't convinced so she asked the teacher if she (the teacher) could provide her with some writing or update that "Y" and "W" are now considered vowels. I don't know if she has gotten it. Since we haven't gotten anything from the teacher, another aunt's co-worker went to as far as online to get to the bottom of it. In the website of OxfordDictionaries, it said that "yes the letter Y is a vowel or a consonant! In terms of sound. The letter Y can be used to represent different sounds in different words, and can therefore fit either definition." The site went to explain that "whether the letter Y is a vowel or a consonant is therefore rather an arbitrary decision." and add that "the consonant sound is not consistently represented in E.nglish spelling by any other letter, and perhaps for this reason Y tends traditionally to be counted among the consonants."

I knew about this. All of us knew about this. It pertains more to the rules in spelling and grammar which there are a lot but I do not think its about the letter. How then should the instruction in my cousin's quiz been formatted for a 7 year old to understand. Or the bigger question, were the students been made aware of such a rule for them to answer it right? My cousin's quiz wasn't the only one so he wasn't some specific case.

My aunt asking for some proof was to find out if she (my aunt) is so out of touch with today's education and lessons and feared that she would be teaching her children the wrong thing. The teacher was okay in looking for a proof to give to my aunt but after she telling my aunt that "its how it is in this country." I was livid. What was the teacher trying to say? That we were not taught right in the P.hilippines? That we have a different set of alphabets, vowels and consonants? Apparently this teacher didn't know much about history because if I remember right the first teachers in the P.hilippines were from this country which explains why we follow A.merican E.nglish as the medium of instructions. Maybe she should have explained it the way Oxford explained it and kept such comments to herself. My aunt was merely asking, making a clarification and not questioning her teaching abilities even if my aunt has reason to. This is after all the same teacher who gave her students' math homework to a teacher's aide to correct without a proper answer key and who corrected the students' right answer with her wrong one. The math problem was: Four friends bought a pizza. It was divided equally among them. How much did each friend get? The choices were: one whole, 1/2, 1/4, 3/4 Correct answer: 1/4. According to the teacher's aide its one whole. Which clearly is wrong. My aunt went to tell the teacher and it was soon corrected. So in the case of the "y" and the "w", my aunt was right in asking for some explanation and clarification as well.

So what is it then? How do we then answer the question...

"What are the vowels?"

Hindsight is always 20/20

I just found out that this guy that I sort of found cute back in college got married. :( Back then I just thought he was cute but I didn't think much about it. He and my cousin moved in the same circles so that's how I met him. Their org "tambayan" was near ours in school so we would exchange "hi's and hellos" or small talk when he would come over to our "tambayan" when I was by my lonesome. A lot of my girl friends found him cute as well but I think more than cute, he was a really nice guy and smart too. As my graduation drew near I saw less and less of him since he was also busy with his own studies. I just shrugged it off since I just thought he was cute nothing more. I was way too preoccupied with my studies to even do anything or think about anything. Besides I don't think I ever felt that he was into me other than being friends so why bother. Then we lost touch when I graduated and eventually left the country. I haven't heard anything about him since until I found him on Friendster a year ago I think. I was glad but it was also through Friendster that I found out that he has just gotten married. He seems happy which I am glad to know and it has been ages ago so its already a distant memory. It makes me wonder why I was even interested in knowing anything about him. We were not even really friends just acquaintances but he did something one time though which until now I can't forget. On one of those times at our tambayan, he had a brilliant idea to use those correction pen to draw a flower on the nail of my thumb like nailart which was the trend that time. I was bewildered and I tried to pull my thumb away but he wouldn't let me until he was done drawing the flower. I think that flower stayed there for the rest of the day. Until now I still don't know nor understand why he did that for but I smile now when I remember that moment. I actually don't remember the day nor the date just the gesture. But *sigh* he is now married and to his longtime girlfriend at that so.. Congratulations to them!