This and that

When I woke up today I had all the intentions of going to the gym. Stress on the "intentions". I didn't say the execution. I got my gym bag ready and all but at the last minute I decided not to go and just do my chores instead. Plus, I really didn't feel like going alone. My sister and cousin had to go somewhere. I couldn't contact my other cousin to ask if she was going. I really should go back to the gym. I stopped going when December rolled in. Too many things to do, so little time and the first that I had to sacrifice was going to the gym. Wrong choice but had to. But that is done and over with, just have to get back to it. I have to. I need to. I am starting to feel lethargic and its not helping me at all.

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The weather has been so erratic of late that I have been feeling sick. I have been sneezing and sneezing and I am always cold. I am not a fan of heaters but we have too. In fact even with the heaters turned on, I still have 3 blankets to keep me warm. The weather has been crazy. So crazy that it snowed in Malibu of all places. Snow in Malibu?! A place known for its sunny weather and beaches. It also snowed in Westwood which is right in the city. As a friend of mine said, "Al Gore must be snickering somewhere". I don't think people really paid attention when he said that global warming is getting worse and worse. Now he doesn't even need to open his mouth because I think people already get the message but the question still remains, "what do we do about it?"

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I found myself near Sprinkles Cupcakes again this week and I couldn't be happier. I just had to buy a box of 4 cupcakes. Its costly but its good. I wasn't really that blown away by my first try but I was willing to give it another chance and good thing I did. I once again ordered 4 of different flavors: red velvet, banana, carrot and coconut. My aunt and I shared them. I tasted the red velvet before but I wasn't impressed but its the most popular flavor so I was going to give it another chance and maybe this time my experience would be a positive one. Yes, it was. The frosting wasn't too sweet and the cupcake wasn't too dry. It was just right. I liked the carrot and you can tell that they used real carrots because there were actually strips of it. The cinnamon cream cheese frosting that came with it really complimented the cupcake. We still have to try the coconut. What about the banana, you may wonder. I had to save it for last. Red velvet is the most popular but wouldn't say my favorite. But the banana..WOW! I LOVED it! Its my favorite. I almost regretted sharing it with my aunt. LOL I also regret buying just one. But at least now I know the days it is featured: Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays. I have to keep that in mind. The cupcake was just enough. Not too dry and not too moist either. I don't like moist banana cakes. This was my comment when my sister baked some banana cakes a few weeks ago. The creamy vanilla frosting was so good and went well with the cupcake. It would have been more perfect had there been walnuts in it but sigh I guess I cannot have everything.

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After numerous plans but always not pushing with it, my aunt and I are finally watching the Smuckers: StarsOnIce show today. I am really a big fan of iceskating. I don't do it but I love watching it. Its the only WinterOlympic event that I watch. Tonight I will get to see in person and perform the athletes that I have admired for a long time. Bonus is EkaterinaGordeeva and IliaKulik will be performing tonight. Though they are part of the cast, they will only be performing in select cities and Anaheim would be one of them. I really hope we have good seats. I did chose "best available seats" when I bought the tickets online. Downside is "no flash photography allowed". I am debating whether I should still bring my camera. Not to use it during the performances but who knows after. But I worry that it might delay us getting to our seats. I have seen times wherein cameras are checked in before the performance and retrieved after. I don't want to go through that hassle. But I am definitely bringing binoculars. I hope I remember where I kept it. I am so excited for tonight.

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As if my excitement couldn't get any better, tour dates for the US Tour of Bamboo and Parokya.Ni.Edgar have been released. Imagine two of the most popular and great Filipino bands in one concert. It has been dubbed as "The Ultimate Pinoy Rock Experience". Indeed it is. They will be in L.A. on March 17 at the Avalon Hollywood. If that isn't good news enough, their US tour will have two parts: March and October. I already checked my schedule. I am free that day and even if I wasn't I would make a point to make sure that I am. Good thing our monthly meeting doesn't fall on that day. Now if my cousin will be able to contact a friend of his who is one of the members of Bamboo in time it will be an even greater experience.

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There is one Korean Show that I really enjoy watching. Never mind that I am watching it without subtitles. Its called HappyTogetherFriends. (Not able to find an English website of the show.) The premise of the show is for two popular celebrities to correctly identify long-lost friends. The guests are initially behind closed doors with only pictures of them when they were younger shown to the audience. After some introductions, usually tidbits about them when they were young are revealed, they are allowed to go out to the stage. On one side of the stage is a group of people who were the guests' friends from way back. To make it more fun, random people are mixed into the group of former friends and these are people they haven't seen in ages. Most of them I think were classmates in elementary. The guests have to go up to who they think is a friend of theirs and ask the question "friends?" and and if that person is a friend he/she replies "glad to see you". Usually I think each guest has four friends each. Whoever is able to correctly identify the four friends, he or she along with the friends get to have dinner courtesy of the show to catch up on each other's lives. Keep in mind I know nil of the Korean language so I can only speculate what is going on and sometimes make up my own theories. Who knows if it is even near what is right. But I have never laughed so much in my life when I watch this show. Its funny when the guest incorrectly identifies the person as a friend and they either cant believe it or are so embarrassed. Oh if after four times that they are not able to identify a friend, the guest goes through this almost like a moving sidewalk and he/she passes through a group of people that includes the friend and random people. This group shouts out stuffs to the guests and he/she tries to identify once again which one of them is his/her friend.

I think its a good premise for a show to allow these guests to reconnect with friends they haven't seen in a long time. I don't know if I will have the same hard time as these guests experienced but we have to realize that people change whether in appearance or personality. Our friends can surprise us a whole lot especially if years has stretched between us. But since I have pretty much kept in touch with majority of my close friends, I don't need a show like this. However, I think it would still be fun to reconnect with friends that we haven't seen for a long time at all. I know I have a couple of them. But since an opportunity like this hasn't been opened to me at least I have this show to entertain me for the time being. Bonus is, one of the Korean actresses that I admire, Eugene is the new host of this show. So I really cannot wait to watch it again.

Worrying over nothing

Who was I kidding?

Vegas was cold and it was a good thing that I checked the weather before we left so I was able to make sure that I brought enough warm clothes. The drive to Vegas was surprisingly smooth. No traffic at all which allowed us to get there in 4 hours which is ideally what the whole drive is supposed to be. But since we left at 8PM, it was midnight when we got there and left with no choice but to sleep. We had an early start the next day.

My trip to Vegas this time was so much different from my previous ones. While my previous trips were more for relaxation and sans agenda, this time around its the opposite. We had a full day schedule to follow from 9AM to until we finish which was around 6PM with breaks only for lunch.

I learned a lot from the strategic planning. It is quite unique for an association of this kind to have such an activity. It makes it so professional that the officers and members are pretty much expected to be the same. I think its a good exercise so that all the officers are moving in one direction and goals are uniform. Though we didn't have a quorum since other officers had prior commitments I think we accomplished a lot as far as our plans for this year is concerned.

Part of the day's activities was a sharing of our personal motivations and organizational expectations. Even if its been a year since I was elected I still had apprehensions and anxieties whether I can do this. Don't get me wrong, I like being part of this association and I feel and believe that I have something to contribute. However, being a newbie and the youngest, I am not sure if I have a big enough voice to be heard. I expressed this during that time and I got assurance that it wont be the case. Our parliamentarian, Mano Karlo summed it well when he said that I shouldn't worry because isn't it a fact that when the "baby" cries it gets everyone's attention. That got me thinking and was a big relief to me. Oh they laughed at the fact that my emails to them have "mano" and "mana" before their names. Its a term of respect in our dialect and though it may seem like we are all equals here, my parents taught me better not to disrespect those older than I am. Its a habit that is hard to break nor do I have plans of breaking.

As secretary, I am in charge of membership and our goal now is to make use of technology to be able to reach out to more people, especially the younger ones. We have seen a surge of visits to the website and we want to use that to its full potential. In time a downloadable membership form will be available through the website.

I don't know if I am good enough representative for the younger ones but I think I was able to express our hesitations as far as having an active part in the association is concerned. I just am glad that the An Taclobanon does not only welcome this but is also appreciative of this. In fact they have been hoping for a long time now that the younger ones would take part. You seldom see this in associations that have been existing for as long as the An Taclobanon has which has been for 21 years now. There have been and still is skeptics out there. There are still negative responses and reactions out there. There are different factions out there who want to break the association apart. There have been problems here and there. It is expected especially if not everyone share the same vision and mission regardless if you come from the same place and some are only there for their self interests. It cannot be helped but the important thing is not allowing these things to break us nor succumbing to them.

At the end of the day much like me worrying over the declining temperature, my apprehensions were eased by the meeting and getting to know my fellow officers. Yes, it was cold but I came prepared so it didn't bother me.

Low of 23!!!

Weather for Las Vegas, NV

37°F Mostly Cloudy Wind: NW at 17 mph Humidity: 38%

Fri 45° | 28° Sat 41° | 23° Sun 41° | 27° Mon 45° | 29°

Oh my!

My bag is packed and I am hoping beyond hope that I packed enough warm clothes to be able to survive this weekend. I am not a big fan of cold weather having been born and raised all my life in a tropical country. Its been awhile since I have been living in SoCal and I am still not used to the cold weather that much. The temperature I think I can handle but its the wind factor that is making me a bit worried. Sure, we will be staying indoors for most of the time but still.

I am going to Vegas this weekend (leaving Friday, coming back Sunday) for the An Taclobanon Strategic Planning. Its my first time not going with relatives or with close friends. I am going with the other officers and though they are my friends as well and some are even relatives still it will be a new experience for me. I hope my brain doesn't freeze from the cold since we would be discussing and finalizing our plans for the year ahead and with almost 300 plus members whose interests we would be bringing along, its going to be a big challenge. This year is going to be challenging especially for me since this is my first time handling and being part of such a big association. My only other experience being an officer of an organization was still back in high school and that has been a long time ago. I can only do my best.

Due to my involvement with the association, my schedule for the year has been pretty much mapped out. I have meetings once a month, Sto. Nino novenas from January until June, fiesta celebration in June, camping in July, Ms. An Maglipayon event in November. On top of that we have this ongoing fundraising raffle which will end in June. These are just the major ones. We will deal with the minor ones as they come along. Phew!

I think this year would be my opportunity to venture out of my "bubble". For the past few years all my free time have been devoted to family - members, matters etc. This year, I want to go out there, go out of myself and be of actual use not only to other people but to society as a whole. Odd thing, my horoscope overview for the year actually mentioned something along these lines. Not that I let horoscope rule my life but at least its some inspiration to be hopeful for the year ahead. I realized that going outside my "box" is keeping me sane from the turmoils that plague life from time to time. It is actually giving me a sense of peace that I unknowingly have been looking for but didn't know how to achieve.

But before I could tackle on the world, I have to survive this weekend. Hopefully, Old Father Winter will be so kind and ease up a bit on the cold temperatures. Though it would be nice to see snow fall for the first time, just ease up on the wind chill and I think I will do fine. That and just come prepared to face it head on. Thick sweaters? Check. Scarves? Check. Gloves? Check. Warm jacket? Check.

2053 days

When you have gotten used to waiting, another day doesn't hurt!

I though this day would never come. I have stopped counting the days because it just made me go insane. When I have finally let go of counting, that's when this big blessing came, a few days before Thanksgiving at that.

My journey isn't over yet though. In fact its the start of a new one but my patience has been tested and I passed it with flying colors. I am sure that the next few days, weeks, months or maybe year will just be another day.

Wish list

I think I can be the easiest and hardest person to buy a present for. Well for one when people ask me what I want, my usual reply is "it doesn't matter", or "nothing in particular". I know how frustrating that can be because I feel the same way when I get the same answer. But I cannot help it. I just do not want to impose on anyone and its the truth anyway, I will take anything as long as I know it came from the heart. Besides whatever it is becomes secondary when you realize that the person really thought it through before getting me anything. Nothing makes receiving a gift sweeter when the giver says "I thought of you when I saw this, so I got it." I am particularly fond of this one gift that someone gave me. Its a hardcover journal - black with white blank pages. Nothing extraordinary but the note that came with it made it nicer - the giver saw it one random day, thought of me and got it. Same thing when I saw my cousin Chantal wearing this Asian print shirt. I liked it. I asked her where she got it and she told me that she actually bought it for me but she wore it instead because it looked nice. I could have been bummed by that but I wasn't because the point is, she was at a store, saw the shirt and thought of me, bought it with intentions of giving it to me when there was no occasion. Besides, its not like I wont be able to borrow it when her closet is an extension of mine and vice versa.

Be that I usually say "nothing in particular" when asked, it doesn't mean that I really want nothing in particular. Sure I do but its not directed to any particular person. Its usually just for me, my list for what I would get for myself eventually. But if a kind soul out there would get it for me then I would be grateful. =)

So what do I want hopefully for this Christmas or for the coming year?


Skagen watch
I saw this at the mall and fell "in love" with it. Its a bit pricey for a watch, at least with what I usually buy but I tried it on and I want it. It could be my Christmas/birthday present for myself.

lomographic action sampler camera
I like photography and would like to dabble on it. But since I don't have the same "eye" for it like my sister, Camille does, I think lomography will be a good alternative. Its more "pop art-ish". But I will give a verdict when I actually get hold of one and try it myself.


Colehaan Village Lunch tote

I have wanted this for the longest time ever since I saw it in a magazine. I think its one of those classic designs that wont go out of style. What I like about it is that sure its a brand name but its not the "screaming" kind. Plus the best part of it is its roomy enough for all of my stuff. I have this tendency to fill up my bags whether small or big.

an Ipod

I think I belong to the 1% of the population that doesnt own this thing yet. I dont care be it a shuffle, nano or how many GB is there, I just want one. It would come handy during travel when reading isnt an option unless I want to suffer motion sickness. Kuya Miles mentioned that the thing now in Manila during parties is not to get a DJ but to just have 2 Ipods and a mixer and anyone can be their own DJ. That is cool.

And of course to travel...somewhere..anywhere. Well almost anywhere...not in the war zones of course.

Aside from the material things, I also wish for world peace, a clean and honest 2007 elections, peace in the family, more self-less politicians and since my sister is an Environmental Science major - do our part in repairing the world that we live in. Basta..love, peace and happiness.

Drawing from a hat

I have so many things to blog about but I don't have much free time of late so I guess this will do for now.

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Two days ago, rashes started appearing on my face. Well, a week ago some red spots appeared on my neck. Since it wasn't itchy and I didn't have red spots in other parts of my body, I didn't concern myself much with it. Until two days ago when my face had red rashes all over it. They were not itchy too so maybe I just ate something that I may be allergic to, I took some anti-histamine which made me drowsy but the rashes are still there. Today, I had Dr. C look at it and he told me to have my CBC checked because it might be something viral, whatever that means. He advised me not to take a hot shower because it will trigger the rashes to flare up. Yeah, tell me that when its starting to feel like winter. So I have to contend myself with a warm shower. Hay! These rashes had to show up now when I have an event to go to over the weekend.

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Saturday is the Induction of new officers of the An.Taclobanon. After Saturday, I am now the secretary of the association thus assuming a ton of responsibilities but its okay. I feel I am in good company and a friend said that I could not fail this. I am just going to give it my best shot. Last weekend, I helped collate the souvenir program and was quite surprised to see my name mentioned prominently in the incoming Chairman of the Board's message. It seems I have become the unofficial "poster child" of future youth involvement in the association. That's a lot of responsibilities. I also saw something I have never been referred to as until now.. and that is to be introduced with my full name. When I mean full name its my first, middle and last name all spelled out in one breath. Had I been married and took my married name that's four names right there.

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Dr. C said a possible reason also of my rashes is stress and he is probably right. Work and family stress are just coming in droves and I don't know what needs to be done in order to address all of them before I start losing my mind. I need a vacation badly but my resources are low and I have nowhere to go. Gee, I can still rhyme even in this state. But I know I have to go somewhere and with no family members in tow. My most recent trips have been with family members and not that I don't want to be with them but from time to time, we all need a rest from family. I just want to rest and take a breather...if possible on my own or anyone as long as not a family member.

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It looks like I wont be going to the gym until Saturday. I didn't think I would be this motivated to go to the gym daily but I have been. I used to look at my friends who go daily as if they grew another head but here I am going as often as 5 times a week. Big motivators have been going there with cousins and the comments of people that I have lost weight. Gone are the teasing from family members about it and in place are praises. Not that the teasings really bothered me but I am also doing this for myself and to be validated for that, feels good. But this week, I didn't go partly because I am not feeling all too well and I have been staying at work longer than usual. But I am not going to miss yoga class on Saturday though. I don't have to be at the hotel for the induction until 4 PM so that gives me a lot of time to go to the gym and get ready.

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I am such a nice sister for forgetting to greet my brother on his birthday. Good thing my sister reminded me just in time. So I was able to greet him before the day changed in the Philippines. I know my brother understands though. Happy Birthday Niccolo!!!

Not a preview

I am hoping beyond hope that the events from this morning were not a preview of what my weekend would be.

First was the dream I had. It wasn't bad but it wasn't all good either, it was just weird. I would usually try to analyze my dreams whatever I could remember but this time I didn't even dare try because it just left be puzzled and confused why of all things would I have the kind of dream I just had. I don't even want to try to remember whatever it is because its just weirding me out.

Then on my way to work, the bus I was riding in hit the car before us. We were not only stuck there for some minutes, we were in the middle lane too and we had to fill this paper out much like an incident report. I didn't have much to say anyway since all I heard was the sound of the impact, felt a bit of the impact and nothing else. No one was hurt either. This accident made me late for work though.

Then I thought it can be redeemed when I saw that my siblings were online but my sister blasted me for stating an observation. She said that I am always criticizing when I was merely saying a comment. Apparently I not only cannot have an opinion (based on past incidents), I cannot have an observation as well. It pissed me off and didn't feel like chatting with her anymore. That pretty much ruined my morning. Geez!

I really do hope that was the last of it because I am really looking forward to the show/concert I am watching tonight, the yoga class tomorrow morning and I am doing the make-up of my two cousins for their dance on Sunday. I really need a quiet weekend for a change.

Disturbing

I don't know if I have just been out of school for far too long and these are the signs of the times or there is just something seriously wrong with the educational system that my cousin is under.

I got a call again yesterday from my aunt double checking if she got the spelling of the word "tranquilize" right. Yes, I am not only my family's resident editor of written works but the spell checker, dictionary, encyclopedia and thesaurus as well. Anyway, I spelled it for her and she got it right then she asked what the proper use of the word would be - if its present or past tense. I told her depends on the sentence. She gave me the sentence - "Next is to tranquilize the elephant". I told her it was "tranquilize". Then as it sunk in, it bothered me what my 2nd grader cousin's homework was about. It turned that they were told to write a step-by-step direction on "how to capture a wild elephant". I was shocked. Why the heck would the teacher assign such a thing? Instead of a direction on how to capture an elephant, shouldn't it be about preserving them especially now that a lot of animals are going extinct. I told my aunt to end it at "putting the elephant into a truck to be taken to the zoo" after that horrific step. It bothered me so much that I had trouble sleeping.

Granted that it has been ages ago since I was a 2nd grader myself but I certainly do not remember having such an assignment. If for anything it was about how life came about with that monggo seed that we had to plant in a tiny plastic cup and see its progress on a daily basis. We were not taught on how to"capture animals". We were taught on how to take care of animals and other living things. Sometimes, I wonder what lessons children nowadays are being exposed to. Its bad enough that the world is already chaotic and violent, why teach them almost the same thing in school? And we wonder why children nowadays are the way they are. Blame has been put on movies, tv shows and video games with the proliferation of violence among the youth and little did we know that it started in school...at such a young age.

I am just wondering what it would be like when my own kids go to school. What would teachers be teaching them by then? I used to think that maybe the educational system in the Philippines can be better but looking back now maybe I had it good than what my cousins are exposed to in what is supposed to be a rich country. If due to circumstances, my future children will be exposed to these types of lessons I think I would be the loudest one there to decry such teachings. Teachers may hate me but I don't think its right to be paying as much tuition as parents already are for our kids to be taught to be violent to animals. Animals now, who's next?

Singelringen

From the first time I saw the ad in a magazine of A.Diamond.Is.Forever's "diamond right hand ring" I wanted one. The marketing of it hit me like a wave. The right.hand.ring was a celebration of who I am and who I want to be. The ad even went to as far as saying that the one on your left hand is a celebration of the day you were married, the one on the right is a celebration of the day you were born. It symbolizes one's personality, one's independence, now who wouldn't want that. This was one of the designs that I would have wanted.

But, these rings don't come cheap so I can only dream of it for the meantime and save up for it. Then I read over at kikay exchange about this new thing from Sweden called "Singelringen" which is now available in the Philippines and the US. "Singelringen" which means "ring for singles" is for both men and women. Like the "right hand ring" this too is worn on the right hand. It celebrates one's status and conscious choice for now which is that of being single. What makes this ring very interesting is the fact that if you look closely in the inside rim of the ring is a series of numbers. This is the registration number of each ring. Once purchased, the owner registers the ring in the website (http://www.singelringen.com), and this allows the owner to communicate with other singles in the world. Browsing through the site, one can also make an "anonymous request" which is basically a query if a particular person is still single. I am curious how this would work though. Unless that other person purchased a "singelringen" as well and registered, I think it would be hard to know if he or she is still single. But its worth a try. Who knows. In these age of F.riendster and M.y S.pace and other social network sites, here is another one that could possibly bring people together. Its amazing what people come up with.

I actually just want the ring. I think its also a good gift to give to my single friends, the number of which is dwindling down fast. Though I can buy it online, its a bit tricky with the ring size. I think if I would shell out that much money I would want it to fit me perfectly. So the search is on in finding a store that carries this.

It's all relative

I once joked to my cousin that why is it that I am related to some of the nicest and good-looking guys. Here are guys who I think have a lot of potentials but downside is I am related to them in a big way that its out of the question.

One is a son of my second cousin. I just newly discovered that he is a relative. I just met him when I came to the States and he was at one of our family parties. I noticed him right away, he was a new face after all. Plus, who wouldn't? He is tall, good-looking, nicely built, nice skin color, soft-spoken and quite intelligent. He is the same age as I am. He was also interested in getting to know some of his relatives most of whom he has only recently found out of their existence. In the few times that he would be at family parties, we have always talked and he is just interesting. He lives quite far and not always able to come to our parties but when there is an opportunity to invite him and me, being the family event planner and all, I include him in the list. If one thinks about it, our connection is already pretty far but in F.ilipino culture, once tagged as a relative is a relative and therefore hands-off. Besides, his last name is my middle name so that is just too weird.

Not that my other guy cousins do not belong in the list of nice and good-looking guys but there are just too many of them to mention so I have to pick one. I think one of the nicest and good looking guys is Mikey. He is the son who at 17 took over being the "head of the family" when his father died. Even while his dad was still alive, Mikey was already a sensitive, mature, responsible guy so it wasn't a surprise that he has taken his new role quite well and has adapted to it easily. Being the only boy in a brood of 5, he is used to female company add to that his female cousins. Even he is the only guy in the group, he doesn't mind. One time, we were at an accessories store, the girls going all crazy, where was Mikey? Right in the middle of the store, just waiting for us to finish, not once did he tell us to hurry up or scowled at us or anything. He just waited until we were done. He also waited for me and Cassey when we went to watch a movie once after he and Chantal already brought the younger kids into the theater. When I asked what he was doing there, he said so we would know where we were sitting. Some girl will be very lucky to be loved by this guy and I hope she knows how lucky she is.

And there is my brother, Niccolo. I didn't use to think he was nice or good-looking. I could never look at him that way. In high school a teacher told me "kabuotan nala nimo brother" (your brother is kind). I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't want to badmouth my brother but in my mind I was asking myself if we were talking about the same guy. My brother was a pain growing up like all younger brothers. But as he grew older, his kindness came to the surface. Maybe he has been nice all these times but we, his sisters just didn't realize it. He is really sweet and caring, a good listener too. Maybe he overdoes it a bit sometimes when he makes "lambing" to our mom. He is nauseatingly sweet sometimes. But that is just his nature. At 27, he still follows with no questions when our parents tell him to do something - wash the dishes, drive people around, do errands, etc. He doesn't complain, well not in front of our parents but he does to us but he will still do it anyway. He is a gentleman, mature, responsible, sensitive so its no wonder we, his sisters tend to turn overprotective when it comes to girls for him. My friends and some people have told me that he is good looking. At first I was like "eww". He is my brother for goodness sakes, I am not supposed to think that he is. Well, now I do and I have to after all he is my brother. A lot of girls have taken advantage of his kindness and have broken his heart. They have no idea what they have let go of. Well its their loss anyway. Someone worthy will eventually come along.

Well, its pretty unfair to compare other guys to them but it cannot be helped. When one is surrounded with such good quality of guys, its pretty much expected that we would want if not the same at least comparable for ourselves. Not much in terms of physicality but its a plus but more on character. When you have guys like these who think the world of you, you would want someone like that as well.

40 days

It has been 40 days since Tito Augie passed away. Our tears have all dried out but it still doesn't ease the fact that we still have this emptiness in our hearts. Forty days have passed and yet we all are still in disbelief that he has left us forever. Somehow at the back of our minds, we are waiting for a moment that he would appear and tell us "gotcha, joke's on you!" But we know that wouldn't happen so we just need to do what we need to do.. move on with our lives. I admit it was pretty hard. A friend validated that but also said that we still have to move on. Our lives have to go on. We just put in our minds that he has left us because he has already served his purpose and we have memories of him to remember him by. We talk about him because in that way we heal ourselves and also our way of not forgetting him. Looking back, some of our interactions with him were pretty simple, ordinary even but now we realize lessons and wisdom were embedded in those. Those are the ones that allow us to finally come to an acceptance that he is no longer around but his spirit remains with us.

Probably because we were close in age so he treats me more of a friend than a niece. He was our "taga-tagay" when we would have drinking sessions, peppered with his jokes and comments. There were times that I felt he was too cocky and wanted attention so much but I realize now that he was just being himself and he just wanted to enjoy each moment that he had with us. I had a tiff with him once because I didn't like one comment he made. It was a comment that I felt was disparaging to people from Leyte and one that he didn't have a right making since he hasn't been there. It wasn't the first time but at that particular day, I didn't get much sleep and was cranky and then I heard his comment so I gave a snide comeback. But after that all was well with us. In think it even made him know and respect me more so he has ceased making such comments at least within my hearing shot.

Tito Augie was the type of uncle that I would both love and dread to introduce a guy friend to. I would have loved to introduce a guy friend to him because he has a way of making people feel comfortable and welcomed. I have seen how he is when we introduce new people to him, he would go out of his way to make them feel welcomed, talked to them, gave them his attention. But it also depends on the person. My cousin said it well when he said that people either love of hate Tito Augie. But the difference is even if one hates him you will still like him a little, if that even makes any sense. I would dread it though because he would definitely put someone or me on the spot with his teasing. He did that a lot so if a person is "pikon" or lacks sense of humor, he/she wouldn't like Tito Augie that much. But that will be the true test though because if one will be able to come out of a meeting with him alive, the rest of the family would be easy.

He puts so much importance on family. He doesn't fail to remind us, cousins that we have to stick together because we are family. He always told me that he will be there for me when I would need him. Their house is open for me and if I need anything to just call. He was that accommodating and available. I remember one time that the bus I was riding in broke down and it was getting dark, I called him and he came to pick me up even if I was out of his way. He particularly enjoyed it when all of us cousins are all together and I am glad that on one of few times before he died we were all together. He spoke to us on a level that we will all understand. He never exerted this status of "I am your uncle, you do as I say" thing. If we spoke, he listened intently and gave advice when he had to. He also would word his advice in a manner that even my youngest of cousin would understand. He dealt with us on our own levels from my 3 year old cousin to my 40 something cousin.

His jokes, stories, comments, wisdom and company are what we all miss the most but these are also the ones that are carrying us through. When we talk and we do our own remembrance of him, we still take lessons from them. It is only now that we are starting to realize that what we thought he said before was a given seemed to be now our saving grace and that is each other. We are all dealing with the loss as best as we can but the important thing is we are dealing with it together as a family. He must be smiling down on us right now.

It all came down to this...

Four years of school. Five months of review. Four Sundays of whole day exams, my brother Nicco wearing his red San.Beda Law jacket emerged from the Engineering gate of DLSU along with his fellow Bedan barristers. Nicco told me that it has been a tradition with the Bedan barristers to come out of DLSU all at the same time wearing their jackets amid the beer splashing and loud cheers.

Mama said that weariness was written all over his face. But I also saw relief. That was what he told me to when I finally spoke with him. What is commendable is that Nicco has maintained a positive attitude throughout. Apryll, a family friend and one of my closest friends saw him and mentioned how relaxed Nicco was compared to how she was when she took it last year. Even through a bout with cough, Nicco still maintained his laid-back attitude which we all envy. He said he has done all that he could. His fate now lies on the hands of the people checking their exams.

Up until the Saturday before the last exam, my parents haven't seen Nicco for the entire month of September. Though they spoke to him regularly, my brother asked that they didn't come to Manila for the first day and just on the last day instead. It did my parents good because knowing them they wouldn't be able to mask the concern and the helplessness that they felt as Nicco goes into the biggest "pressure cooker" of all. In fact, my dad was an emotional wreck the first two Sundays. They even had relatives around on the first day. He knows how big this is for Nicco and like any parent if he could deal with the pressure instead of my brother, he would do it in a heartbeat. My sisters and I just told Papa that he has to keep it together because this is the last thing that Nicco has to be concerned with. I was emotional too but I tried to keep it in check. I have faith in my brother that he will be able to pull through. The less stress and worry the better. This is also why we made sure that he didn't know about our uncle's passing until the 3rd week of his exams. He died just before his first day.

My parents along with my sister and cousin were early and they were pretty anxious while waiting. Mama likened it to waiting for someone who has been incarcerated for a long time. Well, it did almost feel like that since as soon as he was done with school, his life has all been about review with an occasional breaks here and there. So it was such a relief for my parents to finally see him after such a long time. Camille said that it was such an emotional moment. Mama cried. I was expecting Papa would but he didn't but Mama said that he was already about to. I even cry just by looking at these pictures.

I kind of had an idea how a barops look like but I didn't realize how huge it was until my sister would constantly text us for updates as they were waiting near Mc.Donalds. The exam wasn't going to end until 5 PM but they were already in the vicinity by 330 so they could find a good spot to meet him. Papa said as early as noon, roads leading to DLSU were already closed and different schools were already setting up. Mama had chills seeing such a sea of people all anticipating the emergence of some 6, 344 barristers, the highest in history who took the chance of becoming full-fledged lawyers. It seemed like one big block party with bands, cheers, beers and even food.

I only have one brother but in the course of this journey that Nicco took, my sisters and I have gained 3 more. They have become more than my brother's classmates and friends. During trying times and Camille's hospitalizations they have been there not only for Nicco but for Camille as well. So it was such a nice gesture that they all went to meet up with my parents after.

Al, Anton, JP & Nicco - the worst is over. Have fun for the time being. Worry about the results when its near. =)

High octane

I am both tired and refreshed if that even makes any sense. I am tired and sleepy because I had an insane idea to clean my room at 11PM. Refreshed because I have finally got rid of some of the junk that has been accumulating in my room. Its liberating to not see a lot of clutter.

It all started when I was folding my clothes after doing laundry and before I know it I was arranging them according to color and turned my attention to my books and fixed them, threw out some of the useless papers that I just shove into my desk without even looking at it. All these while listening to some good music. Usually when I am cleaning I put in some rock music or dance music but since it was almost midnight and lest I want to be the source of my aunt's grouchiness the next morning, I settled for jazz - Mishka.Adams and world - Cynthia.Alexander. Not really the type of music I would listen to when I am cleaning but I compensated by popping some Sour.Patch.Kids gummies. So I was running on high octane fuel so late at night.

As I was sifting through the tons of papers, mails, cards on my desk, I came across letters that I haven't read in a long time. One was a letter from a very good friend of mine given to me before I left. She spoke of our friendship being able to stand the distance that will be separating us and she was right because it has been 8 years and I can safely say that our friendship has endured if not improved through time and distance. Sure, we may not talk to each other as often as we would want to given our busy lives but the fact remains that we both know that we will have each other's undivided attention when we find ourselves online the same time or when I get the chance to call her up. We can pretty much pick up where we left off. Its like we have never been apart.

Another one that I was surprised to read was a birthday card sent to me by another good friend back in 2001. It was written in her usual sarcastic, funny way but she wrote something that perplexed me. She said that though people say that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the truth is..

"The best way to a man's heart is to give him your heart."

She then told me to think about it. I don't remember what my reaction was when I first read it. And now? I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. I admit I am a bit lost but maybe I should ask her about this. That is if she still remembers ever writing this to me.

There were two cards/letters there that upon looking at the postmark, its going to be 10 years next year since I got them. First class stamp was just 32 cents then, its now 39 cents. The adhesive on the envelope has dried out. The flap is easy to open. The little note in one of the envelopes is faded but still readable. The card is torn in two. I was almost tempted to read it but I decided against it. I just looked at it. I don't think things will change if I read them anyway. I actually believed every word that was written in those letters but now I wonder if it was even real to begin with or was just a figment of my imagination that I made myself believe it to be true. I don't know if it was coincidence that I was just conversing with the sender of those letters hours before I chanced upon them. The message was actually a surprise since prior to last night, the last time I heard anything was a week ago. Maybe one day I will read the letters again. For now, I placed them along with the other letters in this envelope and found a place for it on my desk.

With the letters safely tucked in, I continued cleaning and prepared my weekend bag. I usually go to my aunt's house on weekends so I pretty much just refills my bag. It really shouldn't be called a weekend bag since I usually bring almost a week's worth of change of clothes but I want to be ready for anything and it amuses my cousins so why change it. At 2 AM, tiredness came over me. Despite that it was late, I actually felt energized but I knew that I still had one more work day left on my week, I had to give in. Looking at my clean, organized room was enough to send me into deep slumber.

Cousins

Phew! what a week!

If I survive this week, I don't think I have any right to complain that I am stressed. I think this week takes the cake, blue ribbon and trophy in one for being the most stressful week any person can ever live. Actually, my stress didn't just start this week, its started some months back when we were preparing for Lola's party and it escalated as the even got nearer. After the party, we still had relatives around so we really haven't been able to take a rest but it was a good kind of stress. However, starting the past weekend, it has been a bad kind of stress with my uncle being rushed to the hospital on Friday and passing away on Saturday. Saturday, we started the 9-day novena along with consoling my aunt and cousins and helping put things in order: food for the 9 days, arrangements for viewing, funeral etc on top of that still trying to wrap our fingers around the reality that he is not coming back. This weekend is also my cousin's wedding. He and my uncle are not blood related so none of those "pamahiins". So basically I have a funeral and a wedding to go to this weekend.

Looking at my schedule alone is already making me stressed.

Friday is the viewing from 10-3 and again at 3-9. Then at 630 we have wedding rehearsals to go to and a dinner following after that.

Saturday at 9AM is the funeral and the wedding is at 3PM. Good thing I am not part of the bridal party so I don't have to be early but I am reading during the mass at the wedding. I still don't have the reading materials with me and I have a small stage fright. So its really important that I have the materials beforehand lest I want to embarrass myself. We were hoping that the funeral wont be the same day but there was no other available schedule. So here we are with a funeral and a wedding all in the same day.

Before that I have to make the ribbons for the chair covers that is going to be used at the wedding on Thursday which happens to be today. I might even have to still iron the ribbons. I ironed some last Monday which prevented me from starting on the ribbons. So I guess we will be pulling an all nighter today making 250 ribbons. On Saturday at 430 we still have to put the chair covers and ribbons before the 530 reception. How are we going to do this?? Help!! Oh I am also one of the "to-go to" people at the wedding to relieve the bride and groom some of the little things.

I don't have a silver bag to wear to the wedding so I may have to squeeze some mall time between all these flurry of activities.

I brought enough change of clothes to last me a week when its only for a weekend. I think we may have to change clothes before going home from the funeral only to change again into our clothes for the wedding. Something about not bringing bad luck to the house when coming from a funeral. Moving in and out of clothes already takes time.

With the heat that we have been having, a shower is needed as well. That's another time to be spent.

Mr. Time where are you???

Life is beautiful.
Life is good.
but it can be hard and sad.
Life is unpredictable
Life is unfair
But we still have to live it
we still have to learn from it
because at the end of the day
it is all that we've got and
we dont know when it will be taken away

We had a lesson in this today when my uncle all of 39 years of him had a brain aneurysm and its been massive and irreversible. We are just waiting for the inevitable which is the sucky part. We know that his life would come to an end but we just dont know when it would be, All that we can do is wait. What saddens me aside from the part that he is so young is that my aunt would be a young widow and my cousins would be orphaned so young. He has 5 kids with ages ranging from 17 to 8. The eldest, Mikey is probably the most responsible 17 year old I know. How he takes care of his mom and his 4 sisters is beyond commendable even when his father was still active. Now with the end looming, a big responsibility will be resting on his small shoulders to carry on the family. It seems that he has been prepared all his life for this day that he would have to carry on the responsibilities. They wont be short in support system because they have us, their family around them. My uncle has been given the next 48 hours to show improvement. Though there is no more brain activity and therefore is now considered clinically dead, we are still holding out hope for some miracle to happen. If not the miracle of life restored, maybe the miracle is not in that but in reconciliation and unity among the family members and I saw that earlier today. Its sad that a tragedy like this had to happen but maybe some people are just bound to sacrifice their own life to save others not only from ourselves but also from each other.

Pictures

We did it!

The party was a big success! Everyone had fun and it was organized. It wasn't perfect which I didn't mind but the point is, everyone had a blast. My lola was grateful and she really enjoyed her party. There were no major glitches, no dramas, we were on schedule and we were within budget. People it seems didn't want to leave. I even had to tell the staff at the venue to turn on the lights because people were still dancing long after the end of our time. Guests liked the venue, the food, the music, the flowers. We had some technical difficulties but we timed dinner in such a way that even if we had gaps in the program no one would be bored because they will be busy eating.

My cousins prepared 4 dance numbers: modern, maglalatik, pandanggo sa ilaw and tinikling which brought the house down. Bear in mind that no professional teacher was hired to teach my cousins. My aunt had a dvd of Philippine.Dances and they just watched it and taught themselves. The tinikling was such a hit that it warranted an encore which my cousins did. The modern dance was first danced back in 1999 thus its music is still in a tape. It has been a tradition to dance it at every family party and it never gets old. K.Miles and I were the ones who taught them the dance back then and now the older cousins are the ones teaching the younger ones.

I am tired and I am still recovering but it brings smile to my face when my relatives and the guests would tell me how much they enjoyed the party and commended me for a job well done. I couldn't have done it by myself. All of my cousins pitched in and stepped up and they share the accolades too. It has been 4 days since the party and people are still talking about it and that makes me glad.

My full account of the party is to follow when my brain is already back to its fully functioning mode. Right now, its still on a sleepy mode.

I am stressed coz I am not stressing

HUH?? Yup, I am weird that way.

Its 3 days before my Lola's birthday. Its 3 days to the event that my cousins and I planned, prepared for the past few months. Its 3 days to the event that will or will not prove that we, the younger generation is capable to coming up with something with as little help as possible from the older generation. We still have things to do. I have not crossed out much from the list in my previous post especially the script part. I don't even have as much as an intro written. I have all the reasons to panic and to be stressed. But the thing is... I AM NOT! Which is scaring me a whole lot.

I really should be raking my brains out right now to write something sensible. I really should have given the script already to the hosts so they can practice. I really should have the seating arrangement done by now (its just halfway done.) I should have already started with the gift box but until now its still a folded piece of carton waiting to be assembled, shaped into a treasure chest and put the trimmings. We should have the guestbook done by now but its only now that we have decided on what we are going to have. Its not really a hard task to do but still a task added to the already enormous one we have.

We can do this! We did not come this far to fail. I don't think that we will. I have faith in myself and in my cousins that we will be able to pull this through. I guess the reason why I am not stressing is because I am not doing everything as some people think. I have disseminated the tasks to my other cousins and the mere fact that they are all stepping up is the reason why I am not at all stressing that much. Besides, nothing will be accomplished if I am going to allow myself be overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility and task on hand. I already know that there is a lot of pressure and expectations, I don't need to constantly remind myself of it because if I will it will just take all the sanity out of me.

Ask me again on Friday if I am still not stressing. Who knows if my story would have changed by then.

To-do list

• Finalize guests count and give to caterer (guests are still giving their RSVP, one week after the date I set) Geez!
• Make seating arrangement (its tough coz we have to be sensitive to those who cant stand to be near each other)
• Make and decorate box for the gifts for Saturday
• Buy 5 lighters (it will take 5 people to light all 85 candles in my Lola's cake or cupcakes)
• Coordinate with the 4 hosts on what they need to do on Saturday (they better not be lame)
• Buy flowers at 5 AM Saturday (rolling out of bed *sigh*)
• Make centerpieces (25 vases) Kaya namin ito!
• Set up venue for party (2 hours prior - 430PM)
• Coordinate with cousins pertaining to their parts in the program
• Write the script for the program, give it to the hosts and oversee their practice AAHHHHHHHHHHHH
• Make sure finances are in order and enough to cover all expenses
• Do Lola's make-up (maybe, just be prepared)
• Have the strength to face problems on the day itself, especially comments from people and have the sensibility to make quick decisions when needed.
• Have the strength for the after-party
• Have fun regardless!!

*SIGH*

Dark polish

I must really be stressed because I have been blogging daily this whole week. That and I have so many things in my mind that I need to release from my system. At least my blog wont take offense to whatever it is that I have to say. *sigh*

I think my nail polish is reflective of what my emotions have been for the past few weeks. When I would venture into the nail polish section of the drugstore, I find myself focused on the dark tint ones. In fact my last 3 purchases have been really dark ones. I had my nails done and I picked the darkest one of all. I went to the salon today not only because it was the only free time I have until the party but also to perk myself up and it did. I so needed that time alone when negativity was so far away from me. For that brief moment no one else mattered but myself. It was nice. It may have not erased "the _____ state" that I mentioned in my previous post but at least it gave me time to reflect a bit. I used to associate dark polish with melancholy but weird thing is right at this point I am associating my dark polish with freedom. For once, I picked a color not because it was cute or what people would expect but I picked one that I wanted regardless of what people will say. I think I will keep it for as long as I feel like it. It's making me feel good, maybe not happy but at least good.

A __________ state

A cousin told me something yesterday that made me think. She said that when she looks at me she feels that I have this sense of sadness within me. She cant explain to me how or why she feels that way but she does. I do feel sometimes that I am not happy but I also feel that I am not unhappy. I am in that state of something I cannot find the words to describe or explain. Its like feeling alone in the midst of a crowd. I believe that this is just a phase that I am going through. For how long? I wish I have the answers but I don't. But one thing is clear to me, I know I will come out of this state, I just have to search for the answer. I just have to find it within me.

Just enough

I apologize for the downer that my past posts have been. Just needed to vent. So after venting, I felt I need a bit of a sugar rush. So it was such a relief that I found myself in B.everly H.ills yesterday to oversee the installation of the new system in the store. My boss owns a small pizza place in B.everly H.ills called F*rankie & J*ohnnies. Being that it is situated in the main street going towards R.odeo drive, the store has its share of VIP customers. Yesterday was no exception. It was this Scott guy who is P.aris H.ilton's music producer who came with two big bodyguards one of whom was responsible in carrying his LV attache case. They are regulars at the store.

But that wasn't the highlight of my almost 7 hour stay at the store but this...

S.prinkles Cupcakes!

I have always wanted to try it after hearing so many good words about it. But since I don't usually venture into that part of town, I haven't had a chance to until yesterday. The store is just half a block away from the pizza place. So I went there before they closed at 7, fell in line. I was told lines are a usual sight in front of the store. But today I guess it wasn't so bad since though I was in line at least inside the store and not in the sidewalk. The actress who played Claudia, L.acey C.habert in the tv show P.arty of F.ive was also in line in front of me. She is pretty but I didn't recognize her right away. She was practically a kid when she was in that show. She was nice. She smiled at me. No air at all. After some time I finally got hold of this...

with my 4 cupcakes: vanilla, red velvet, black and white and lemon coconut. It was pretty pricey for a cupcake but for a full experience at least just not get one cupcake. I went back to the store happy as I passed by M.onique L.huillier's shop along the way. It was also in the same block but it was closed. Save that for another day.

I didn't eat all 4 cupcakes by myself. I gave two to my nieces and brought the rest with me to work. I ate the vanilla one and I like it. But I would have liked it more had the frosting wasn't too thick but the sprinkles on top was a nice touch. I am saving the red velvet one for later. I think the cupcakes are good enough size to have one's fill of sugar for the day. It was just enough to fill my craving for now at least. I will save tasting of the other flavors for next time.

Another highlight was the last minute meet-up with C.hrissie. Its been awhile since we had a get together so this impromptu one was such a treat. Maybe next time she and I can explore the other restaurants in the area because there's a lot.

Ignorance is NOT bliss

We worked on the favors last night and once again, an aunt said that an explanation must be given/read why these are treasure boxes. This isn't the first time I heard about it but maybe my aunt was thinking more on the basis that guests may not get why the favors are such. But as she is repeatedly asking, it seems she herself and who knows who else DON'T get it either.

Okay, what is it about the treasure box as a theme for a person's 85th birthday they don't get. Sometimes, I wonder if they even know their mother at all. A treasure chest is typically made of wood, the sturdy kind. It has a simple exterior to mask the gems inside. It is made to survive good and bad weather. My Lola is just like that. To anyone who has seen her, it would be such a shock to know that she had 15 kids, all natural birth. She is a small lady and yet underneath all that is a wealth of memories, experiences and history. We put anything that we hold dear, what we hold important, things that we have accumulated over the years in a treasure box and once we open it, stories come surging. That is Lola.

I guess they got so used to just having colors as theme like last year for Lola's 84th, we all wore red. All the decorations were red and that's it. But this time, we, the cousins decided to go with a different approach. We decided on a theme that will best capture who Lola is, what she is, what means to us, her travels and travails. It was not easy coming up with a theme because we wanted to encapsulate anything and everything about her, thus a treasure box. Our centerpieces are more towards the rustic side, which is being met with apprehension right now. And what have they seen so far? Oh just empty frosted flower vases and matte gold candle holders with star cut-outs. By the day of the event, we plan to fill the vase with fresh flowers, put tealight candles inside the candle holders and put them on top of the table.

If they don't get it, ask me. Not that I am hearing snide comments when I don't need to. If they have questions, direct them to me and not me hearing it from people. I swear its such a coward thing to do. I don't like it at all. Here we are cousins doing the best that we can given the limited resources and money that we have, is it too much to ask if they could be more considerate and positive? They are bringing my younger cousins' morale down and I am trying to rally them up. I need a long vacation after this.

Rollercoaster

I am an adrenaline junkie. I love rollercoasters. The bigger, the better. The faster it is, the more I love it. However, when it comes to emotions I hate it. These past few days have been a rollercoaster of sorts for me. A whole myriad of emotions has filled me. From upset to disappointed to frustrated to happy to excited. Just about every possible emotion in the spectrum I think I have been through.

I was upset a few days ago with that relative who is pushing it that she was asked by my Lola to be the host. Knowing Lola it could be true or it could not be. I have to double check that. But most definitely, I will make sure that this relative will never go near any microphone on my Lola's birthday especially after finding out that she may have volunteered herself to say something during the party of her brother-in-law's father in-law. Magulo ba? A person she barely even know. Well ganun siya ka-atribida! I have heard her talk and not that shes a bad speaker but she has the tendency to say comments that she's not supposed to and I find it inappropriate. I leave the room when she starts talking because I know I wont like whatever she is going to say. Good if she wants to help but her interference no one really appreciates and taking potshots at people in a public place and what is supposed to be a happy event is not only rude but tacky and in poor taste.

I was disheartened with some of my family members because instead of helping are bringing everyone's morale down. I don't think they believe that the 3rd generation will be able to pull something as being at the helm of the planning for Lola's birthday. Like the favors for instance, we still have 2 weeks to finish them. This is the only thing left for us to do that is large in scale. They haven't even seen the finished product, me comment na na di kanais-nais! Rather than saying negative things, they should at least offer suggestions. Reklamo na nga walang pang suggestions! Labo! But I have came up with something as a counter-attack. I am psyching my cousins, challenging them that this is what the 2nd generation feels and they don't like it one bit which is making them step up. I think some family members think like this because it looks like we are not doing much but just because they don't see it, it doesn't mean its not happening. So we are going to show them and make them eat their words.

I am so happy and proud of my cousins for stepping up when I ask them to. Just this morning I didn't have anyone to host, now I have three and willing ones at that. Not coerced by their parents nor bribed by me. I am happy that my parents taught me to take the high road when faced with such things. I am happy that I got a call this morning from the Philippines at that. Thanks Kuya Miles and Ate Joelle for the suggestions, ideas and encouragement. I am happy that things are falling into place and its us cousins who are doing it and that we can do anything as long as we put our minds together. I love my parents! I love my siblings and I love my cousins.

I am excited for the party. I know and I believe we can pull this off. There's still 12 days before the party and I am sure I will be on many more rollercoaster rides prior to it and who knows after. Its fine as long as I am not riding it alone. I think I am in pretty good company.

Control

When I started writing this blog, this became my avenue where I can pour out all of my thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to say what I wanted to say. However, recently I have noticed that I have been holding back a little bit. I have filtered my own self. I guess it was my way to shield myself, to keep a part of me hidden. At first it was fine but as time passes, it has started to feel like a noose tightening around my neck. I am unable to breathe. I may have wanted to have some control over what certain people will know but I know that when I put myself out there, it meant letting go of that control. Its not saying I will be over the place but I will only concentrate on things I can control and not anymore on the things that I know try as I may I cannot ever control. Its actually freeing to have been able to just throw caution to the wind and not worry about other things.

****

I know its tough for some of my relatives to not have anything to do with preparations for my Lola's birthday. I know its tough to just take a backseat to us cousins who in their mind are just a bunch of kids. Its hard letting go of that control over the details that they have always had until now. To a stranger looking in, it may seem like my cousins and I are not on the same page. But we are. We have been for a long time. We have our own little group going on where things are discussed and decided upon pretty much openly and democratically. This is how we get things done. Its our own little world. I think this is why now that we are pretty much in homestretch to the party, everyone it seems are coming out of whatever cave or rock they came from and are making their presence felt. I am fine with some because I know "ayaw nila mapahiya" like as if my cousins and I are going to allow that. But with some, I am very adamant in controlling some things because I know, I can already see the repercussions and frankly its not a pretty picture. In these instances that I still have full control I will use it. This is not something that is out of my hands, this is something that I know if I stick with it would be more beneficial for everyone involved. I also do not like the fact that my cousins and I will be stripped off of the credit that is due us. This is not about being recognized. We don't need to be. We are not doing this because we are going to gain something but we are doing so out of our love and respect for her. I don't know if I can say the same for some other people out there. There is one person who is the LAST person I want to be visible and for her to call me that supposedly she is being asked to be the host is just upsetting. Ano yun kami ang nagtanim at naghirap tapos siya ang aani? She is in the dark because not only is it the way I want it to be but because it is what it is supposed to be. This is must be a happy event even if some needs to check their egos at the door and for her to be front and center is just going to upset the majority and make my cousins and I look bad. NO WAY!! Even if supposedly she was asked by Lola to be the host, (which I doubt is what really happened) I think since I was at the helm from the beginning, it should be my call on who I will put as host. I have to sit down with Lola about this. The initial plan was for the cousins to be the one who will plan everything with the assistance of the aunts and uncles. On the day itself, they will just come as guests. I don't know what part of "guests" that some people don't get that they are trying to interfere now. If I sound like I am bit harsh, I have to be, I need to be. This party is for Lola and no one else and if making sure that it will be a happy event entails hurting some egos along the way so be it. I am sure my cousins share the same sentiments.

Hope floats

HOPE
Author Unknown

If you can look at the sunset and smile,
then you still have hope.

If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower,
then you still have hope.

If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly,
then you still have hope.

If the smile of a child can still warm your heart,
then you still have hope.

If you can see the good in other people,
then you still have hope.

If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep,
then you still have hope.

If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder,
then you still have hope.

If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips,
then you still have hope.

If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism,
then you still have hope.

If you give people the benefit of a doubt,
then you still have hope.

If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life,
then you still have hope.

If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise,
then you still have hope.

If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration,
then you still have hope.

If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end,
then you still have hope.

If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection,
then you still have hope.

If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey,
then you still have hope.

If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy,
then you still have hope.

If you can look to the past and smile,
then you still have hope.

If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up
and end the conversation with the phrase..."yeah....BUT.."
then you still have hope.

Hope is such a marvelous thing. It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides,
but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can.

It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead,
when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.

Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.

Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.

Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.

Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured,
and something that will refresh us in return.

And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.

Never lose hope.

PRAYER
"Lord, fill me with your Holy Spirit and give me joy in seeking you
more closely. Increase my faith in all your promises, my hope in the
joys of heaven, and my love for You as my All."

**********
My cousin has been sharing with us inspirational passages like these, just wanted to share.

Pictures in my mind

I was introduced to Creative.Visualization back in college by a professor of mine, Ms. Lane.Chua. I think I asked her about what had happened to me. I wasn't sure if I dreamt what happened or I just thought about it but the point was, whatever I was thinking actually came true. She said that most likely I must have visualized it and told me to check out this book by Shakti.Gawain. We didn't have time to discuss what it is about but she gave me the name and the author of the book. I have the book and have read it many times. The concept behind Creative.Visualization is that "it is an art of using mental imagery and affirmation to produce positive changes in your life." It sounds really simple but when what you have visualized actually happens to you, you start to question whether its true or not and if its coincidence or fate.

I have had two instances wherein what I thought of actually happened. Maybe there was more but so far these two are the most poignant ones. The first one was almost ten years ago. I think I was thinking about it just a week prior it actually happened. It was eerily right on the dot too: from start to finish from what the other person was going to say to what my reply would be. It was like I wrote my own script and directed my own self when it happened. It was a weird feeling. It was more than deja vu. Though I found it odd I was actually thankful because it gave me the courage and put me in the right frame of mind when it actually happened. I also believe that I can credit my visualization as to why after all that happened, that person and I are still friends and closer than ever. I may have said the wrong things had I not visualize it and could have cost me a good friend.

The second one happened early this year in this blog of all places. To say that this time was shocking is an understatement. Unlike the first one where it was to the letter, this time around there was a slight difference but the fact remains that I have thought of it before and its actually happening. I was just toying with the possibility of it but I didn't realize that it would come true. I was in a panic because there was a continuation of it. In other words a part two. Though, so far, part two hasn't happened yet but theres a possibility that it will in the near future and I don't know how prepared I am going to be when that happens. Or maybe part two is already happening but I just don't know yet.

The weird thing is I usually visualize to put myself to sleep. I have been warned by my mom so many times not to read in bed but in instances that I am not yet sleepy but have to, I turn to visualization. Its like "reading" myself a bedtime story. I don't tell people much about this. I have been told that I am weird one too many times and I thought this only happened to me. These are the roots of my hesitation. But after Kaytee blogged about it, I realized I wasn't alone. She asked some really good points, is it just the power of wishful thinking? Is it coincidence? Or is it fate?

I haven't stopped visualizing. Like I said it puts me to sleep but after two of my visualizations came true, I am hesitant to do it anymore. What if it comes true again? How ready am I to face it? But if this is really what I want to happen in my life, why am I afraid of it coming true? Maybe because I am afraid to discover that its just a coincidence and these were nothing more than just pictures in my mind that I came up with. Or maybe because I am afraid to discover that it is fate's way of telling me and I don't know how to go about it. Or maybe it can be coincidence or fate and believing and following it might just put me face to face with pain.

Or maybe I really should just stop thinking too much about it.

Awaken your passion

My cousin shared this with us through email. I don't know who wrote it and I don't think he knows either so I give credit to whoever that was so brilliant to write this.

~ * ~ *

What desires have you left behind that you would like to have back?

What dreams have you avoided that were meant to show you who you are?

It is never too late to recapture the passion that, after all, gives life to your life.

Every moment holds the possibility of real meaning and fulfillment.
Remember what it felt like when you felt you could not live without your heart's desire?
Listen to what that feeling has to say to you now.
There is a living spirit within you that knows no boundaries or limits.
Experience again how great it feels to let that spirit soar.

Life can beat you down, close your mind and imprison your spirit, but only if you let it.
Choose not to let it.

Reach into yourself and awaken your passion with a gentle and loving caress.

Live the fulfillment that you know you must have.

School Spirit

When I first read about this in Ate Joelle's blog, I didnt think much of it but credit a boring afternoon at work and I just discovered a new source of entertainment. This is a must see for any La Sallian.

Disclaimer: If you are a non La Sallian, sense of humor required. =)

I'd rather be GREEN

MYMP Meets South Border

Katz Entertainment is producing the Los Angeles leg of MYMP's First US Tour with South Border on:

September 15, 2006, Friday at 9PM
The Grove in Anaheim
2200 East Katella Avenue
Anaheim CA 92806
(714) 712 - 2700

For tickets call: Katz Entertainment (562) 787-9030.

Clutter in the storage

"These things...little things...stupid things were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid, piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. There were too much left unsaid, we barely said anything at all."

- Gabe's Dad, Little Manhattan

This line in the movie Little*Manhattan caught my attention. It is very true. In our life, in our relationship with the people around us we sometimes have so many things that are left unsaid, almost like the clutter in the storage room. We keep on piling things up in the storage room and not cleaning it once in awhile and before we know it, it has become so full that we have no room to move around. Its the same with feelings. The more we keep things in, our hearts become so heavy and before we know it our pent up emotions has eaten us up and has reached heights beyond repair. This has happened to a lot of us and most of the time it signals the demise of a lot of relationships. I think and I believe that no relationship ends, its just that we allowed it to die by not talking, by not communicating. Its sad.

"Why didn't you just say 'em then?"

Gabe asked his dad this to which his dad could not reply or probably didn't know how to respond to. As I was watching it, I thought wow, I am getting a lesson from an 11 year old character in this movie. But his question was valid, why didn't we just say what we have to say rather than allowing them to be left unsaid?

"I don't know. I kind of wish I had!" - Gabe's dad

When I was younger, I had some resentment with Papa. It was because I am the eldest and I felt that he expected too much from me. He had so high expectations that in my effort to reach them was stressing me out and keeping me away from him. But instead of talking to him, I kept things in and I was distancing myself from him. For some time there was an invisible wall between the two of us. We still talked but our relationship has changed. It wasn't what it used to be. I didn't think I would be able to talk to him about him. Until Papa missed his early morning flight home to T.acloban after visiting my sister and me in M.anila. This happened probably almost 10 years ago but I still remember it vividly and will forever be thankful to it. I feel that he overslept and missed his flight for a reason.

It was 5 AM and my class wasn't until noon and his next flight wasn't until that afternoon. We sat across each other in the dining table and for reasons I still don't know until now, we just started talking. I told him what I felt and my difficulties and he listened and explained. For that moment, we were not only father-daughter but we were two adults talking. I think I cried and he consoled me. It felt good. I felt light and I felt free. I think we both learned a viable lesson and that's anything can be resolved if we talk about it and listen to each other. Since then, my relationship with Papa and everyone in my family has improved tremendously. Sure we still have our moments but as soon as things calm down we let the other person know so it can be resolved. I wrote Papa a letter after that. To thank him for listening and understanding. I don't remember what else I wrote but I bet that letter is kept somewhere safe in my parents room.

After that point in my life, I realized that I don't want it to happen again nor would I want any of my siblings to feel that they cant go to our parents or to each other if they have something important to say. I didn't want us to be like maybe some families wherein as the children get older and having their own way of thinking that its the start of discourse and disagreement. Sure we have disagreements but most often is that we all agree to disagree. We respect each other's views and opinions. We may not always like what we hear and not always agree with whatever it is but we take it. Not necessarily follow it but we just take it. We can disagree with it all we want but it wouldn't stop us from saying what needs to be said and maybe that's what makes a big difference. We don't hide things in. If I disagree with what one of my siblings said or did, I am going to let them know and vice versa. We may not always like what we hear but at least its already being brought out into the open rather than keeping it in and waiting for that time that things will be so hard to keep in any longer and resentment comes in place. I don't know if my siblings will agree with me or not but I don't say my opinions to them because I am the eldest and I feel I am entitled to that. I will give it as a fellow human being, a fellow adult. I think there comes a point in each family that children are no longer ruled by birth order and all just become individuals walking in this world.

We are pretty lucky that our parents allow us to say when we have something to say. We can tell them what we think AS LONG AS we still keep that level of respect that them being as our parents are entitled to. Since they are treating us as adults, we must give the same courtesy. We have never and will never ever raise our voice at our parents no matter how frustrating it is. I don't think any of us has talkback to our parents. Reason out, yes we have but not talk back. When we reason out to our parents, they know that we mean no disrespect. There are times that it can be frustrating when the stubbornness comes in place. During these times, we just drop it and rant amongst us siblings or to Mama when its about Papa or to Papa when its about Mama. LOL Does this negate the whole "letting it out thing"? Not all because by ranting to other members of the family, there is a big probability that it will still get to the person involved. My siblings keep me sane during times like these and I think I do the same to them. The difference between reason out and talk back is in the delivery and the tone. We also do not involve ourselves in things we shouldn't be involved in. We intervene but not get involved. This is the reason why I told my parents that if they need to talk to anyone of us, its should just be them and whoever it is. The last thing we want the person involved to feel is that we are all ganging up on him/her. We also make an effort not to cut in when someone is talking. Not only is it rude but I think it "fuels the fire" even more. We wait for our turn to speak. We listen so that we will be listened to.

We don't live perfect lives. There are also times that we get irritated with each other. When the discussion is starting to get intense, we step back rather than say things that we may not mean and may be hurtful. That or we just log off on IM all of a sudden or stop texting back or say a quick bye and turn off the phone. We also go on days when we prefer not to talk to each other. Just some space, some time apart, allowing things to calm down. In time, as things settle down, we can go back again and talk things through. When we are all highly emotional, we are not able to think straight and sometimes what we need to convey are not conveyed in the right way. Plus, people tend to be defensive when we approach them in an "attacking" stance and its not going to resolve anything.

"I just cleared some old stuff out of the storage room."

I don't know whether what we are doing as a family is right or wrong but its working for us. By letting our thoughts, feelings and opinions out in the open, we are not keeping things in that might just tear all of us apart. We may hurt each other from time to time during the process but we also heal along the way. The best part is we heal together.

Eating goo

Okay I am not really eating goo but oatmeal. Much as I would want to put a picture, I prefer not to. I am not a big fan of oatmeal. No offense to those who love it but as my co-worker pointed out it feels like I am eating glue. It does at least the sweet kind. Okay that sounds like I know what glue tastes like, I don't. The maple and brownsugar makes it sweeter and much stickier. But I prefer this rather than the plain ones. This, I can tolerate. Put in some bananas, they don't taste bad at all.

If I dislike it so much why am I eating it? Well I have to. Today marks the day that I need to make some changes health wise. I had a scare two weeks ago when I felt some discomfort in my chest. Then my lab works confirmed it. My cholesterol is high for my age and weight. All those eating at family parties are catching up on me. Its not like I over indulge at parties or eat bad food. I don't, but my family history as I have said is also working against me. That should have been my warning from the very beginning but did I listen to it? No. I was banking on my age and fast metabolism rate to carry me through only for it to turn its back on me. Geez, I am being melodramatic about it. In any case, I really have to make some changes. Eat healthy, live an active lifestyle because I definitely don't want to start taking medications this early. NO WAY!! Maybe this is my chance to finally follow through what I have long been planning to do. All I needed was a figure on my lab report to knock some sense into me.

This is going to be tough doing by myself so I have commissioned my sister, cousins and other family members to be my police plus either they already have high cholesterol or have no plans of having one so we would be helping each other. We all actually have been doing something little by little but we slip once in awhile, I know I do. But this time, no slipping. No more!

Camille - please not a word to Papa and Mama. They already have so many to think about, I don't want to add. =)